Pancakes

This morning I was invited over to one of our actress's apartment to have brunch with her, her mom and our 2nd AD (assistant director). It was odd that this invite came late last night when I was just realizing as I drank my 3rd Starbuck's coffee of the day that my diet this week has been horrendous. In fact, its almost as though I've entirely forgotten to eat. Other than numerous cups of coffee a day, I haven't had much else. The occasional apple and peanut butter, avocado or assorted other vegetables, but that's it. Yikes. That can't be good. And yet, I'm not hungry. I don't go to catering during lunch anymore. I don't go over to the craft service table very much and when I do it is simply to refill my cup of coffee. I even went and bought decaf coffee so I could have some more when I came home at night without being kept up all night. I'm sure the lack of interest in food will be short lived, at least I hope so. I'm all about trying to lose weight but I don't want to be unhealthy about it either. My mom told me once that when she was younger she had decided eating was a waste of time and she decided to drink her food instead. Maybe that's what I need to do. Make smoothies and drink those and not worry about the fact that I don't want to eat lunch. I weighed myself this morning at the Y and realized I had lost 5lbs this week. While I was excited to be now within only a few pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight, I also knew losing that much weight in one week for someone as small as I am was probably not healthy. Besides, if I can take it off at a reasonable rate per week, I have a better chance of keeping it off.

Despite my lack of hunger, I showed up at Morgan's apartment to at least have some company. This would be my first weekend by myself and I wasn't overly excited about it. You would think that after an hour long class of Zumba I might would have worked up an appetite, but I sure didn't feel like it. Even when I walked in the smell of blueberry pancakes wasn't enough to peak my interest. I did gladly drink some orange juice and chat with Morgan and Kim as Maryann finished the pancakes. I managed to eat a somewhat decent breakfast, but food no longer really has much taste to me. It smells good enough but when I eat, I don't really taste anything. After brunch we went up to Kim's apartment to play with her cats. It made me miss my dogs a little but it was fun to pet her furry friends and laugh at their silliness. Not really wanting to go home and spend the rest of the afternoon by myself, I jumped at the chance to go to Costco with Kim and Maryann while Morgan went to the pool with Morena. I bought some flowers and a book at Costco in the hopes of giving myself something beautiful to look at in my apartment and something fun to read when I am bored and tired of reading of scripts.

Eventually, I had to return home where I spent the rest of the evening lounging around my apartment watching movies. I was really thankful for the company today with these wonderful ladies. They have no idea what they did for me today by keeping me preoccupied and allowing me to enjoy their company. I would gladly eat pancakes every day, taste or no taste, if I could always get this much enjoyment out of the company that comes out of it. Thankfully, Marshall also had great company today as he spent the day on the boat with my Mom and cousin Erika and then went to my Dad's for dinner. Just when I thought he was home for the night I received texts from him and our friend Stacey. Apparently, Marshall had given Susan a ride home from a party and ended up hanging out with some friends at Stacey's. They thought of me when Goyte's song Someone that I Used to Know came on because it's my favorite song right now so they took a picture of themselves with the iPad playing it and sent it to me. It was good to hear Marshall enjoying himself with our friend and I'm glad that he has them to lean on when he needs some positivity and company in his life. While I don't have anyone here that can give me the company and understanding that my friends in Wilmington can, I am at least thankful that I have some girlfriends on the show that invite me out on the weekends to give me something to at least do. Even if it's only to play with cats and eat pancakes.

Everlasting Footprints

It was one of those days where we have a scene that we shoot and shoot and shoot until I am pretty sure the entire crew can recite all the dialogue themselves. It's days like this that after a while I'm pretty sure everyone, including the actors, are just going through the motions. Usually, days like this would completely bore me for after awhile the actors have their dialogue and their actions so engrained into their minds that I have absolutely nothing left to do but time each take and write it down. But today, I'm actually thankful to be able to relax a bit. It's been a draining sort of week. Not because work is overly difficult for I think I'm finally starting to get back into the groove of work and being able to focus all day. The problem is that I put so much energy into focusing on work all day that when work is finally over I am totally exhausted mentally. This is always when my emotions get the best of me. I have found myself every day riding home from work in tears. It's the time when I allow myself to really think of Nolan and to be sad about losing him. I try to limit my tears to merely my ride home, but sometimes they linger around once I'm in my apartment alone. It's when I come back to the apartment in tears that I really miss having the dogs and Marshall around. If they were here, I know they could bring a smile to my face.

I have found that one thing that has brought me some comfort this week is the pendant I received in the mail on Monday. A month or so ago, I ordered online a sterling silver pendant with an etching of Nolan's footprint engraved in it and his initials. Last week it came in the mail so my mom sent it to me via Fedex and I received it on set on Monday. The jeweler Jak Figler found out about our situation and ended up including a 2nd pendant for us for free so Marshall could have one too. Ever since I received the footprint on Monday I have been wearing it on my necklace and have found myself subconsciously rubbing the footprint whenever I am feeling uneasy. My friend Tifni who lost her son Brody had given me the suggestion to getting the footprint pendant and I'm so glad she did. It really does give me some comfort to wear it. I sort of feel as though I have Nolan close to my heart wearing his footprint around my neck. Whenever I look at it I'm reminded of that saying, "even the smallest of feet have the power to leave everlasting footprints upon this world." Nolan certainly left his footprint on this world: from the 50 trees gifted in his name, the 2 stars named after him, the autistic child that will attend surfer's healing camp and the footprints he left upon mine and his dad's hearts.

Fly Away

Another day on the sound stages. For those of you who have never been on sound stages, they are like a time sucking vortex. You go in there and it’s daylight outside and you leave and it’s nighttime outside and you have no idea when it went dark. There are no windows to let even the smallest amount of outside daylight in. In fact, most entryways are double doored to ensure that no light gets in that way either. Today we were filming at our Brody house interior set with the Brody family characters. Consequently, they are some of my favorite actors on the show. Damian, Morena, Morgan and Claire are my favorite actors on the show to work with. Not to say that the rest aren’t lovely people and easy to work with as well, I just don’t have the comradeship with the others that I do with them. In fact, ever since Nolan’s death I have come to love Morena even more than I did last year. A lot of actors can be self-absorbed and while they might act like they care about you while at work, you would likely never hear from them out of work. The fact that Morena took the time to send us flowers when Nolan passed away to let us know she knew and was thinking about us really meant a lot to both Marshall and myself.

Marshall experienced a bit of the same thing from the actors on his show. Even though he was currently working with them when he had to leave for Nolan’s passing, he did stay out of work for 6 weeks. In that duration, he only heard from a couple of the actors – Kim Delaney and Sterling Brown. Some of the others kept up with us and sent their well wishes through Marshall’s boss Steve, but only Kim and Sterling took the time to personally send their thoughts to Marshall. They are like anyone else I guess, some took their time out of their day to personally send us a note or text even though they didn’t really know what to say, while others simply pretended it didn’t happen at all.

Some days I wish I could pretend that it didn’t happen at all either. But let’s be honest, where would that get me? I sometimes think about Jenny in Forest Gump when she prays, “Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away” and wish I could pray the same thing. If I could fly away from here, maybe I could leave all my pain and hurt behind me. In reality, I know that no matter where I go, my problems will follow me there so it’s best just to confront them head on. It’s funny because Marshall and I have a friend who has a baby by a woman he’s not married to. His biggest dilemma is not being able to see his son enough because they live in separate states. He’s been complaining a lot to Marshall about this and it makes us angry that he would even think to complain to us about NOT seeing his son. Really? At least you CAN see him from time to time. We can NEVER see our son again. Nolan’s dead. Your son is alive and well. He just happens to live some distance from you. I sometimes look at these two Dads – Marshall and our friend and I compare how they are dealing with difficult situations concerning their sons and I have to say Marshall is dealing with the death of his son much better than our friend is dealing with not seeing his. I think it’s safe to say Marshall would love to be able to have the problem of not seeing his son enough as opposed to not ever being able to see him again because he’s dead. Sometimes I want to just tell my friend, “get your ass to the airport and fly down and see him! Stop complaining and do something about it.” Ugh. Before I lost my son I tolerated this time of bitching much better than I do now. I suggested to Marshall he just distance himself from this friend for a bit until our friend could sort out his problem and get into a more positive place with his situation. The hard thing is he is a great friend and was there for us when Nolan passed away but he has to understand we are not the right people to be his sounding board for this particular problem. When I’m around him and he starts in about it, I find my mind taking flight and zoning out. I stop comprehending anything he’s saying for my own self-preservation.

It’s not just with him though. I find myself doing it whenever anyone talks about death and in particular the loss of a child. It’s happened a couple of times on set that this topic has come up and I completely zone out. I know if people realized what they were saying around me, they wouldn’t say it but people just don’t think sometimes. They say inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times and places. It’s like Tifni said she hates when people say to her things like “your kids have the perfect gap between them” or “you have one of each, that’s perfect.” What she hears is, “see it’s okay Brody died because now your kids have the perfect gap between them and you have one boy and one girl.” I get it. I will feel the same way when we have other children. I know when I get pregnant again it will be weird when people ask me if it’s my first pregnancy. I won’t be able to lie to them, I will have to say no I had a son and he died. I’m just going to have to prepare myself for that. I don’t want to ever lie about Nolan’s existence even to people I don’t know. But for now, I just use the fly away method whenever conversations around me float to inappropriate places that I can’t mentally handle right now.

Stages

I figured blogging might would be difficult when I went to work. Mostly due to the lack of time to find to actually write, but also that I wouldn't have much to write that would be of any interest to me or anyone else. After all, am I really supposed to be able to find something beautiful every day that I'm at work? I work for 13 hours a day minimum. When am I going to have time to see anything outside of work. Sure when we are filming on location it is easy to see something beautiful and thought provoking, but when we are stuck inside on a sound stage for 13 hours a day it becomes very difficult. But there were a couple of things that happened today to really make me smile.

The first was the realization that I now have my very own parking spot at the sound stages. That's right, a reserved parking spot just for me. Of course, first thing this morning when I pulled up someone was parked in it, but in all fairness the parking sign was put up after they had already parked. I was, however, able to park in it when I return from going to Target at lunch. It's amazing the little things that bring such joy these days. If people only knew what little things they could do to make us smile these days, they probably wouldn't be walking around us tiptoeing as if we are highly breakable. Believe it or not, I actually like talking about Nolan. Or I should say, I like when people ask me about him already knowing what happened. I do not like it when someone comes up to me that doesn't know what happened. I don't like pretending that everything is okay and that I didn't really do anything on the hiatus. But I do, because the alternative of telling these people that my son died is not something I want to do in the middle of work.

So today when our actress Claire set down and asked me about what happened, it felt good. It was nice to tell someone there what had happened and she seemed to want to know it all. Not very many people from work have asked me what happened. Nobody has asked his name or what he looked like. Now some of these people are indeed mine or Marshall's friends on Facebook so some of them have probably seen the pictures and know what he looked like but most have not. I have his picture on my phone and I probably look at it a hundred times a day. He was so beautiful and the picture just looks like he's sleeping. By looking at it you would never know there was anything wrong with him. You definitely wouldn't know he was dead. I know Claire probably had her own personal reasons for her curiosity at my situation, but nevertheless it was nice to tell someone about it. Plenty of people have asked me how I am and how I'm doing with work and all, but she was the first here to ask me about what happened. To ask me why he died. She was shocked to learn that we had no forewarning that anything was wrong and we had no answers to why he died.

All in all, I realized today that maybe I could find something worthwhile in the days spent doing stage work. I certainly had quite a few good laughs today, mostly during rehearsals. And it was the first day with our new director Lodge. He seems nice enough and he certainly is trying to do a good job, but physically he's a very awkward character. He reminds me of a teenage boy who just experienced a growth spurt and has yet figured out how to make his body respond the way he wants it to. You know what I'm talking about. They walk around quite awkwardly as if their feet are delayed in responding to their brains. That's how Lodge lumbers around the stages. He's quite a tall man too which adds to the physical awkwardness of his stature. Nevertheless, it was an enjoyable day on most all accounts. So I guess there is something beautiful about the stages.

Ice Cream

For the last 6 weeks I've been on this diet regimen that I have refused to break. It all started when I went for my 6 week checkup after Nolan was born. I had decided that once I was cleared medically to return to all activities, I was going to hit the gym running. Well, not exactly running... more like dancing. Since I took to Zumba so well, I was determined that I was going to dance my way fit again. I had set a goal for myself that before Marshall and I got pregnant again I wanted to be back down to my pre-pregnancy weight.

Over the weekend, Marshall and I decided to start trying to get pregnant again. Now I'm not quite back down to my target weight, but I'm certainly on the right track. I've lost 20 of the  nearly 30 pounds I gained with Nolan and I feel the best I've felt in a long time. I also plan to continue the exercise regimen whether I become pregnant or not, but the dieting will have to cease. At least by then hopefully I will be in the mindset to eat healthier since I have gotten out of the habit of sodas, processed foods and snacks. It's as though the death of my infant son really made me evaluate my own health. Now I'm not an unhealthy person by any means and I'm of normal weight for my size, but I could stand to be more fit and a little bit more conscious about what goes into my body. But after weeks of no candy, no snacks, no sodas, no anything the slightest bit unhealthy, I decided to splurge a little. After all, if you don't allow yourself to have it every once in awhile you are more likely to go off the diet and stay off it. So today when our director got an ice cream truck for the crew, I indulge. No cone though, just the one scoop of ice cream but it was enough. In fact, I couldn't even finish it all. I figured it was my treat for feeling like I'm far enough along in my healing that I'm able to consider having another baby. Who knows when we might actually become pregnant, but at least we've taken a huge leap in the right direction. We are willing and able to try it again, knowing we will be scared beyond belief for the entire 9 months. Most people expect some reprieve after the first trimester, but after having a stillborn baby late in the third trimester I think it's safe to say we will receive no reprieve from our angst the next go round. But for now I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to eat my ice cream and remind myself that with each new hurdle we face and conquer there will be other rewards ahead for us. Hopefully, one day we will receive the biggest reward imaginable - another baby that we are able to take home, love, and watch grow up.

Skyscrapers

Today was my first day filming in uptown Charlotte this season. In Wilmington we have no skyscrapers, so to stand in the middle of downtown Charlotte and look up at the enormous buildings always reminds me of just how small we really are in the grand scheme of things. It's also a reminder to the triumphs we can accomplish when we set our minds to it. I look at the skyscrapers that reach upwards towards the stars and I'm reminded of that saying, "reach for the stars." Skyscrapers are a reminder to me that we as human beings should "reach for the stars," and not let anything be beyond our grasp.

For months now I've been solely focused on just making it through that any goals I had of future desires had been put on hold. It has been mentioned to me by numerous people that I should pursue my writing career now more than ever. Even people on Facebook who only read my status blurbs have sent me messages saying how profound my blurbs have been to them and how they think my writing will affect thousands of people one day. Its endearing to hear that something you feel passionate about, something that helps you work out your pain, could actually be helping someone else through something as well.

I don't know if I will ever become a successful writer. All I know is that I love it and right now more than ever it helps me. Sometimes I sit and cry and cry as I write. Other times, it brings a smile to my face. But every time when I've typed the last word and I hit the publish button, I always feel relieved. It's as if by writing down the pains of my day the just go away for the time being. Sure sometimes new pains take their place, but for a moment I get a reprieve from them. My husband, who is one of those people that finds comfort through my blog, thinks I need to write a book; a book based on this blog. Maybe he's right. There certainly are plenty of people out there going through the same thing we are. About 1 in every 160 births in the US are still. That's 26,000 stillbirths a year, 68 a day in the US alone. Another 600,000 women a year experience miscarriages. These statistics still amaze me. I don't think I will ever get over how common stillbirths really are. I don't know if I will ever find the words to reach the masses, but if I could reach even a fraction of the parents who experience a stillbirth and help them to heal then it would be worth it. For now, I will continue to write in my blog and hope that whoever needs to get something out of it is able to come across it and read it. Who knows, maybe somewhere in the future when I've reached a good point in my healing process I will be able to successfully find the words for a book that will reach the parents out there who have experienced a loss as great as ours.

Phantom Pains

Marshall always refers to Sundays as the Sunday Blues, mostly because he was always having to travel back to Charleston on Sundays. Today, however, I was the one leaving. I delayed it for as long as I could. We even had a long lunch with friends on Sullivan's Island before I headed out. Since it would be our last weekend in Charleston for probably a really good while, I wanted to make the most of it. It was such a beautiful day and there was this cute little park near where we had lunch. If Nolan was still here, I imagine that Marshall and I would have taken him there. The park was even named Marshall Park. Maybe one day we will have other kids we can take there. Eventually, I had to say my goodbyes and pack up the car to head back to Charlotte.

I knew that leaving the dogs with Marshall so he could take them back to Wilmington with him tomorrow was the better thing for the dogs, but I didn't realize how much I would really miss them. I figured since I'm at work 13 hours a day, I don't see them that much and would be okay being by myself. This was to be my first day really by myself since Nolan passed away. No husband, no friends, no family and no dogs. Even when everyone else had gone away, I still had the dogs. If you haven't been able to tell yet, our dogs are our babies. They are part of our family. We love them dearly and treat them more like people than four legged furry animals. They have given me such a comfort in the past 3 months and have been there with me whenever I was upset and needed a good laugh. But tonight as I drove back from Charleston to Charlotte, I found myself glancing in the rear view mirror to see what the dogs were doing in the backseat. Each time I felt dumb for having forgot they weren't back there. My new apartment seemed eerily quiet and still this evening. I know I will get used to this but I am reminded now that I'm not totally okay with being by myself. I don't like it. I enjoy quiet time but I want company while I have it. I want someone to sit with me and just be there. That's what was so wonderful about the dogs. They were just there. I didn't have to talk to them, but if I wanted to they would listen and sometimes cock their heads to the side to show their interest.




You get so used to the company of others that it feels a bit like they are still there even when they aren't. It's like phantom pains in a leg that no longer exists. I used to not really understand that concept. How does one really feel the pain when there's nothing there any longer to feel it? Well, carry a baby for 34 weeks. A baby that kicks you and squirms and hiccups inside you and then that baby dies and you no longer have him inside you or in your arms. I have felt the phantom pains inside me. For weeks after Nolan's death I couldn't help but to rub my belly the way I did when Nolan was inside there. It was the way I could communicate with him and I subconsciously continued to do it long after he was gone. It's an emptiness I can't explain. I don't know if pregnant women who give birth to healthy babies feel any of that or if the emptiness of their bellies is replaced with the liveliness of their baby in their arms. Hopefully, one day I will personally be able to answer that question. For now, I have to imagine that the phantom kicks and squirms in my belly are something that only mothers of stillborn babies feel.

Closing a Chapter

At the end of every day on a film set, after the last shot is filmed wrap is called meaning the day is over. Likewise, at the end of every show when the last day of filming is done we have what we call a Wrap Party. Since yesterday was the last day of filming on Army Wives for Season 6, tonight they had the wrap party. Generally, Marshall isn't a big fan of wrap parties so we tend to go early and leave early. Primarily because wrap parties are generally associated with lots of free booze and can turn into a lush fest pretty quickly and since Marshall doesn't drink it can quickly become uninteresting to any sober participants. Nevertheless, we went to the Army Wives wrap party tonight in downtown Charleston's Harbor Club. It was actually one of the better wrap parties Army Wives has put on. The place was nice, the gag real was funny and what I had of the food was really good.

I know Marshall felt a sense of relief yesterday after filming, but probably more so today at the wrap party knowing that this season was over for him. He's been saying for weeks now that if he could just get off this show he might be able to continue his healing process. For him, he needed this season to be over in order to get some closure to Nolan's death. I get that. Marshall was down in Charleston working on Army Wives the night I called him from the hospital to tell him Nolan had died and he needed to come home. He left the show to come home for 6 weeks to be with me and to grieve. So for Marshall, this season of Army Wives was tainted with the death of our son. By going back to work, Marshall had to face a lot of the things he left when he got the tragic news. When I started back to work, my circumstances were different. I wasn't on Homeland when Nolan passed away. I was on a movie that I never went back to for they were done filming by the time I was physically able to go back to work.

So tonight, Marshall closed the chapter of Army Wives Season 6. Perhaps there will be a season 7 and perhaps Marshall will be on it but season 7 won't hold the memory of our son's death. Season 6 will always be the season that Nolan passed away. The rest of that year at work will be a blur to Marshall. In fact, I doubt Marshall could recount a single day at work since he's been back. I know for me I find that I can focus long enough to do my job for the day, but ask me today what happened yesterday and I probably won't recount much detail. It's a weird thing the way the mind works. I normally am that person that remembers everything, sometimes to a fault if you were to ask Marshall. Nowadays, if I don't write it down I absolutely don't remember it. I find myself going to Target 3 times before I remember everything I was supposed to get the first time. It's oddly frustrating. But then I remember that my brain is probably still in shock or denial or just plain out confused. It probably spends 99% of its time just trying to make me function throughout the day that when it finally has a chance to reset itself, it does just that.

 And so every day is like that day in the movie Groundhog's Day where the same day keeps repeating itself over and over again. Always my brain is expecting a different result by doing the same things - get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, go to bed. So far, I haven't had a different result. I still feel numb and discombobulated. My world has yet to seem right or even remotely back on the right track. Maybe for Marshall by finally being off Army Wives and away from Charleston his day will end with a different result. Perhaps by closing the chapter on season 6 he can find some closure with Nolan's death and can move forward in his healing process. I hope that for him and I hope that once home he can do some surfing and boating and hanging out with friends and he can find some happiness again. I know eventually we will both get there and that eventually life will get easier again but until then we will just take one chapter at a time and try to find some closure along the way.

A Heart to Hold

Today while I was at work a friend of ours dropped off a package for us with a note that instructed me not to open it until I got home. I figured it was something pertaining to Nolan, so I followed the instructions. Since I got off work at 8pm (unheard of on a Friday night), I picked up the dogs and drove down to Charleston. I decided not to open the package until Marshall and I could open it together. Today was Marshall's last day filming on Army Wives for the season and it just so happened that I made it to Charleston in time for their martini shot (the last shot of the day). It was nice to see everyone one last time and there were a few people there that I had not had the opportunity to see since Nolan's passing so I was able to receive their hugs and thoughts.

After they wrapped for the evening, some of the crew hung around to celebrate in now being gainfully unemployed. Marshall and I went and got the dogs out of the car and walked them around the stage. Marshall wanted to show them where he worked and they were very excited to see him and all the new people. That was until one of the production assistants came rushing past them on a scooter. I thought Buster was going to have a heart attack and JoJo wanted to chase him. We decided then that not only was it time to take them back to the car, but it was time for us to take ourselves to the car and go home. I had been up since 6am and it was now nearly 2am and I was feeling the weight of the day on the back of my eyelids.

I almost forgot about our package until we made it back to Marshall's parents' house and unpacked my bags and saw it. I told Marshall it was something from our friends Kat, Monica and Chrissy - all three work in the film business in Charlotte and have known Marshall for a long time. In fact, Monica is married to Marshall's boss and best friend Steve. The card attached to the gift said that they wanted to give us a "heart to hold." It wasn't until I opened the gift that I understood what exactly that meant. They had given us a blue stripped heart shaped pillow with Nolan's name and birth weight embroidered on it. But this wasn't any ordinary pillow. What was so amazing about this pillow is that it weighed exactly 5lbs 3oz - Nolan's birth weight. Since we didn't have Nolan to hold anymore they had given us a pillow to simulate the size and weight of Nolan. It was pretty surreal holding the pillow. As Marshall held it he said exactly what I was thinking - that he had forgotten how big Nolan had been. When you don't have anything tangible to see and hold it is hard to imagine how big 5lbs 3oz really is and this pillow is a great reminder of that. Nolan wasn't some little fetus. He was a full size baby with a full head of hair and was big enough to survive just fine outside me. In fact, he was bigger than some babies I know that were born healthy and at full term. I will cherish this pillow and hold it when those tough times come, as I know they will.

When I was in the hospital, my Mom gave me a necklace with a key pendant on it. She attached a note saying that it was to be a reminder to me that Nolan held the key to my heart and I his. One of the happiest moments of my life was when I saw Nolan's heartbeat for the first time and then later heard it time and time again at the doctor's office. And the saddest day of my life was that Wednesday night in March when the ultrasound showed that there was no longer a heartbeat. Nolan will always hold a piece of my heart, but now I have a heart to hold that will always remind me of my baby boy.

You've Got Mail

When working out of town, I rarely get any mail other than bills. What mail I do get is usually a package of bills sent to me by my mom from my house. It is rare that I get anything fun. So imagine my surprise today when I opened my mailbox to see a brown package awaiting me. Delight! It was almost as fun as Christmas morning. I did know that the package would be coming and I did know what was in it, but none of that took away from the excitement over receiving a package. What I didn't expect was to receive it today. I had just received a message yesterday from Karson that she had sent it that day so to receive it the very next day was surprising. Yes, it was my Zumba gear that I won the Friday I left home. Zumba jingle bracelets and Zumba socks! As I rode the elevator up to my floor I smiled thinking of which bright colors they would be in. When I finally got in and opened them I couldn't help but smile. I put the jingle bracelets on and showed the dogs. They too were fascinated by them. I don't know if it was the bright colors or the noise that intrigued them more but I'm sure JoJo was hoping I would give her one to play with. She would inevitably tear every single one of those jingles off the bracelet, not because she hated them but because she loved them so. It's the same thing with squeaky toys. She loves the squeaker so much she can't help but chew and chew and chew trying to get to it until she eventually chews a hole right through it and it no longer squeaks. Then, of course, she has no use for it anymore.

It turns out I wasn't the only one to receive mail while they were out of town this week. Just yesterday Marshall also received some mail - a Father's Day card from our friends Tina and Jaime. It was quite a lovely card and Marshall said it was some of the nicest things any of his friends had ever said to him. It's amazing what a simple card can do for your psyche when you are out of town. The only thing better than a card? - a package of Zumba fun! Now I really can't wait for the weekend so I can go to Zumba class!

Walk It Off

One of the harder things about going back to work is having to give up going to Zumba classes every day. I had thought I might be able to catch a few classes during the week if we got off in time, but so far that has not worked out. I know without the exercise the little bit of extra weight I still have to lose won't come off as easily so it's a bit depressing having to miss Zumba. But, it's more than just the inability to lose the weight as quickly. Zumba had become more to me than just a fun way to lose weight. Zumba became an integral part in my healing process. I know it might not make any sense to most people, but somehow through Zumba I found myself again and I found some peace.

Today when Meredith (our visiting writer) suggested we take a walk during lunch, I was grateful. Not only was it a beautiful day, but we were filming in a very beautiful area of Charlotte. So we spent the lunch break walking around the neighborhood admiring the beautiful houses and stopping to smell the flowers. This was the second time I had spent my lunch with Meredith on a walk and I really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, she left today to go back to LA so I will have to continue the lunchtime walks on my own. It's not every day that we are filming in a place that allows for a lunchtime walk, but hopefully I will be able to sneak one in at least a few days a week. What I realized today was that while it wasn't Zumba, a walk could at least give me the endorphin boost I needed to stay on track with my healing. Sure the walk isn't going to help that much with the weight loss, but I'm more concerned with my mental health these days than anything. In the beginning the weight loss was important because I desperately needed to not look pregnant anymore. I think it's safe to say I no longer look pregnant now and my focus has shifted to improving my mental and emotional health while also continuing to stay physically active. I knew going back to work would be a struggle, but I think the lunchtime walks are a good alternative to Zumba during the week and the weekends will be as jam packed with Zumba classes as I can get them.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

After a couple of days of work, it quickly became apparent to me that work was going to be easier than I had thought. So far it appeared that the physicality of leaving the house was harder than the actual work. Once at work and in the swing of things, my mind was able to focus on the task at hand and not wonder to the dark places that grief takes you. It wasn't until the drive home each night that I allowed myself to think about all the what ifs and the won't be. That was of course until today. I found out early today that a woman I know who should not even be having another kid is in fact having a boy. Ugh. It made me mad. Not mad at her or her situation but mad at the unfairness of life and my situation.

Throughout this whole thing anger is not really what I felt. I have felt cheated, sad, disappointed, hurt and lost but not mad. Marshall and I both agreed that to be mad at God for this would be silly. I don't believe people when they tell me God had a reason. I don't think God had anything to do with Nolan's death. Nature caused Nolan to die. God put all the right people in our path to help us deal with his death and to make the most we could out of it. As Marshall says, God was just as sad at Nolan's death as we were. I can't believe that any God would take the life of a child, especially an infant. I think God has been ever present since we learned of Nolan's death in that he has helped us to find ways of healing by introducing us to the right people at the right time.

There's that poem:

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.


When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.


Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

I've read this poem numerous times throughout my life, but today I'm reminded of it as I struggle to bite my tongue and say what I really want to say to some "friends" of mine. I'm pissed that a person who got pregnant the first go round "accidentally" so that her boyfriend would marry her and drank the whole time she was pregnant, had a perfectly healthy baby. I'm pissed that that same person who was contemplating a divorce is now pregnant again and having a boy. I'm sure she will drink the entire pregnancy again and yet again she will have a perfectly healthy baby boy. Meanwhile, I did everything text book - no caffeine, no alcohol, no food I wasn't supposed to eat and my baby died. It just doesn't seem fair. Life is very cruel today. No I don't wish any harm to this person's baby, I just want my baby to be alive and healthy. I want my son back and I don't understand why people like this person and all the other drug addicts and alcoholics out there can torture their baby for 9 months and their baby is fine! Now how does that make sense. Tifni said in the hospital to us that it just doesn't make sense that this happens to people like us and her and her husband and not to all the people out there that don't want or care for their baby.

So yes, today I'm angry at my situation. And I feel that I'm allowed to be angry. Meanwhile, I have another friend who had an early 2nd term MISCARRIAGE tell me I shouldn't be wasting my time being angry. Really? Really?! She thinks in her mind that our situations are the same. Well, I had a miscarriage before I had Nolan and I'm here to tell you they are vastly different situations. Yes, it sucks losing a baby. But she never even felt her baby move inside her and most people didn't even know she was pregnant. She didn't have her nursery all painted and the furniture all put together and the closet all full of baby clothes. Hell she didn't even know what she was having until her little 5oz baby came out. Just as my situation is different than when my cousin Sandra lost her 5 year old son. Sandra's loss was much greater than my loss. She knew here son for 5 years, I knew mine for 34 weeks. I only felt him kick and move inside me and saw him move and his heart beat on the ultrasound every month. Today I've been biting my tongue with my friend that wants to pretend she is above me in her grieving process because she chose not to be angry. I called Marshall and my Mom to talk about it with them in case I was acting irrationally. They both told me I'm totally valid in my feelings and my thinking and that my friend's miscarriage was vastly different from my situation even though my friend didn't see it that way. Maybe once my friend carries a baby to 34 weeks she will understand what a loss then would be like as opposed to losing a baby at 17 weeks. So today I decided my best bet was to stop texting my friend. I needed to focus back on work anyway. If I didn't cut off all ties with her today then I was going to lose my shit at work. That was something I was not prepared to do. Instead, I went to my car at lunch, turned up the radio and cried and cried. I told myself I would allow myself this time to get over the grief of today and that was it.

The afternoon went much better than the morning. Sometimes you just need a good cry to get it all out and get over it. I came home to find that my "friend" that was expecting a boy had defriended me from Facebook. I can only imagine that my miscarriage friend said something to her, but I'm not that concerned about it. I hadn't heard anything from my pregnant friend when Nolan died so obviously she didn't care that much about me or the pain I was going through. She is one of those friends that comes in to your life for a season and now that season has changed. I no longer need her friendship and realized today that she hasn't been a friend to me for quite some time now. It is cathartic knowing this. I've always been the type of person to hold my friends close and to do anything to keep those friendships, but I feel as though it is time to let this one go. The season has clearly ended on that friendship. Thankfully, I have lifetime friendships that are still strong and thriving and those are the friendships that I have leaned on so desperately during this time. I have also had very strong relationships that have come into my life for the reason of helping me deal with Nolan. It is yet to be seen how strong these relationships will be but I think when you bond over something as deep as the loss of a child that is a bond that is hard to break. Dealing with the loss of our child is something we will always deal with our entire lives so these friends will probably be in it for the lifetime, not just a season.

Early to Rise

Getting up at 5am was something I wasn't looking forward to when going back to work. I'm more of a night owl so early mornings do not come easy for me. I can, however, function on little amounts of sleep so I had that going for me at least. Although Friday had been a more reasonable call time (10am), it was a very busy day for me. I guess in a way it was good to hit the ground running, but I had also been worried I might have trouble focusing. My job is a very detail oriented one so being able to focus for 12 hours is essential. I found on Friday that by being so busy all day I hadn't been able to stop to think about Nolan or focus my attention on anything other than keeping up with the work at hand. The show I had been on prior to Nolan's birth had been a feature film and thus moved at a much slower pace than TV. Needless to say, Friday went off without a hitch and the work day was over before I knew it.

Monday was a different story. The morning looked to be fairly slow for me as we were only shooting one scene before moving locations so there was no chance of block shooting multiple scenes at one time. On top of the prospect of a slow morning, I also had to be at work at 6:30am. I don't think I have been up at that hour since I was in the hospital having Nolan. I had become quite used to sleeping in until 9am. My late morning wake ups were partly due to my inability to sleep well at night. It was usually well in to the wee hours of the morning before I could manage to go to sleep. I don't know why exactly I had such a hard time sleeping at normal hours for it definitely wasn't for lack of being tired. In fact, it seemed as though I was always tired these days. As I mentioned before, staying in bed all day would have been a very easy alternative for me. I could now understand why some people succumb to this option. It's the easy way out. Some days it was all I could do to force myself out of bed at any decent time. Now work was forcing me out of bed. At least sleeping all day would not be an option I could legitimately contemplate for any length of time.

So this morning when my multiple alarms went off at 5am, I jumped out of bed after only a mere 4 hours of sleep. Ugh. This day was going to be rough. Surely, I would be ready for a nap by mid morning. It did prove to not be as draining of a day as I had originally expected. I suppose after the months of emotionally draining day, work was a welcomed diversion. Now I was just mentally exhausted at the end of the day which is much easier of a time than being emotionally spent. I only had one moment early in the day when one of our actors came up to me and told me he had just heard about my news over the weekend. He gave me a big hug and told me how sorry he was to hear about my loss. Other than that, it was work as usual. Maybe I can do this after all. It seems as Marshall was right. Work was a bit cathartic. Work kept me busy throughout the day and gave me something to focus my mind on. Now if I could only get used to the early risings.

Father's Day

Today was Marshall's first Father's Day. I wasn't sure how he would feel today, but I gathered it would be something like what I felt on Mother's Day. It's hard to describe but it was an odd feeling. It was one of those days where everything just felt a little off. This isn't what your first Mother's or Father's Day was supposed to be like. We should be holding our baby boy. Instead, we are trying to hold ourselves together over the loss of our baby boy. Knowing this might be one of those off days for Marshall, I tried to make it as pleasant for him as I could. Some people might think that the best thing to do on days like this is just to ignore it, but I disagree. I know on Mother's Day all I could think of was that I'm a mother now - a mother without a child. It was the oddest feeling to me. It was a day where I just felt like the whole world was backwards from the way it should be. So this morning I gave Marshall a card - the miracle card that I had purchased a week ago. The one that I didn't know exactly why I purchased it at the time but the more I thought about it, the more I decided I wanted to give it to Marshall. I wanted him to be reminded that today when things seem so wrong and backwards that he should remember that everything is a miracle. It was a miracle Nolan was ever here at all - let alone that he lived for nearly 9 months. It was a miracle that we became parents at all and maybe we will be lucky enough to have that miracle happen to us twice. I also gave Marshall two more things to remind him of Nolan. One was some money to help pay for his tattoo he wants to get to remind him of Nolan. The other was a music journal I had found at Barnes and Nobles. Marshall keeps saying how he is looking forward to writing music and using music to help him heal so this journal is a place for him to put that music and his lyrics. Hopefully, it will be overflowing with lyrics soon.

I think now having experienced his first Father's Day, Marshall had a new appreciation for how I felt on Mother's Day. It was nice to be recognized on the day, instead of people pretending like it didn't happen - like I didn't actually become a mother. Sure maybe I'm not a mother in the sense of raising a child, but I certainly was a mother. I grew a baby inside me for 34 weeks and I went through labor and I birthed a baby. I even experienced some of the joys of motherhood - just not the part where I hold my crying newborn baby. Marshall too fathered a baby. He felt him kick inside me, he talked to him, sang to him - did all the things fathers can do before the baby actually comes out. He was there with me holding my hand when I started having contractions and he stayed while I birthed our son. So today he needed to be recognized for the amazing father and husband he is and will be to our future children. I can't wait to see him with them. One thing this whole experience has done for both of us has been to open our eyes. We will have such a different take on life and children from now on.

Before Marshall had to leave to go back to Charleston, we decided to meet some of the crew from Homeland for lunch at the Original Pancake House in Southpark for what they call Dutch Baby Sundays. They started Dutch Baby Sundays last year even though I only went to a few of them and I never ordered a Dutch Baby. The Dutch Baby just happens to be this very decadent crepe that the Original Pancake House makes. It's full of whipped butter, powdered sugar, fresh fruit, lemon juice and syrup. Only two people out of our party of eight tried it. The rest of us settled for normal brunch items - omelets, sausage, bacon, etc. It was a great meal coupled with some really great conversation. We might not have accomplished much today, but we did manage to overcome another first for us - Marshall's first Father's Day.

Do Over

Sometimes the best thing to do when you get off track is just to start over. In a way, I felt like coming to Charlotte and starting a new season of Homeland was a do over. After all, it was when I was in Charlotte for the filming of season one of Homeland that I became pregnant. Now that Marshall and I are talking about trying again to get pregnant it feels like deja vu - only hopefully with a better outcome this time. Who knows how long it might take us to get pregnant, but we are both hopeful that sooner rather than later we will be blessed with a baby to take home and raise. Even though last night was my first night in my apartment, it wasn't until today that I really unpacked and got settled in. Marshall was even here to help me. It did feel a bit like I was starting over today. There is something fun and exciting about being in a new place in a different town. It didn't hurt that this was a part of Charlotte where I've never ever stayed before. Everything about this was new for me and for Marshall. Once unpacked, we decided to wander around the southpark area and get acquainted with the surroundings. It goes without saying, but this of course included a very expensive trip to Southpark Mall. I did manage to start my day off by attending what I thought was Zumba class at the local YMCA. It turned out to in fact be Bollywood class instead. I met Meredith (the writer of the current Homeland episode) there and even though we both expected to be Zumba-ing it up, we did rather enjoy our Bollywood time.

I am sure for people that don't travel for work this is hard to understand, but there is something freeing about being in another city for an extended period of time for work. You are this weird local/tourist hybrid where you neither belong nor are you unwelcome. You get to explore all the things about the new city like a tourist, but then you end up staying so long you eventually become more local than visitor. You become the person out of towners stop to ask for directions. You are the person telling others where the good restaurants and shops are. For however brief of a period as it might be, you become an expert on that city. Okay, so maybe not expert. To be sure, I can still not navigate my way around this town without my handy GPS. Just in case, I have not one, but two of them. I have yet to become an expert on anything in southpark, but in just a week I have managed to become rather acquainted with the Harris Y. Now if you actually went to this Y, you might understand why this would be a feat. My mother-in-law referred to it as the Poor Man's Country Club. I know I've already mentioned how big the Zumba classes are, but the whole Y is quite spectacular. So for a moment today, I was actually the local tour guide as I showed Meredith around the Y - the 2 indoor pools, the gym, the indoor track and the grandiose upstairs exercise room. Even the parking lot is huge. You almost don't even need to go to the gym once you've parked at the outer spaces and walked all the way to the door of the Y. I thought this must surely be the biggest Y in Charlotte, but my husband assured me there were several more just as big, if not bigger.

 The rest of the day was spent with Marshall showing me around this side of Charlotte. A Charlotte native himself, Marshall was well versed in the southpark area. I tried to keep up with all the directions he was giving me but his side trips down memory lane kept confusing me. We drove by the house where Marshall grew up and the junior high he went to. We even drove by where the well used to be but was now covered up - the well where Marshall found his violin. It was a beautiful day and we had a lovely time just driving around. Marshall reminiscing and me listening and trying to keep my bearings. Finally, we ended up back in the neighborhood where we decided to dine at a new place - Taco Mac. The food was pretty good but Marshall was more impressed by the beer taps at our table and our personal TV. It really was a shame that neither of us drink beer but we did snap a picture to send to our beer drinking friends. This would be the perfect place to watch football games and I imagine this restaurant is packed during football season. If you ever go, I highly recommend the queso dip. Yum. So far this was my best day in Charlotte. It did feel like a new start at things. A do over, if you will.

Back to Work

I had always envisioned going back to work after the birth of my baby to be a difficult thing to do. But after the death of my baby, I guess I figured going back to work wouldn't be that difficult. I was wrong. Even though I have a great job that is fun and pays rather decently, I still would have gladly stayed home forever. There was something about losing Nolan that made me just want to stay in the cocoon of unemployment at my house. I knew it was really just the safety net that my house and my family and friends provided that kept me from wanting to return to work. Still, I knew that eventually I must return back to work and face the rest of the world and all the people that didn't know my situation. I was afraid that by leaving my safety net I would also be leaving all the people that knew I still needed to be treated with sensitivity, that this was far from over. So today I started work filming on season 2 of Homeland and boy did it start off with a bang.

I guess in a way it was good to hit the ground running, but I had also been worried I might have trouble focusing. My job is a very detail oriented one so being able to focus for 12 hours is essential. On top of that I got absolutely NO sleep last night. I tried to fall asleep, I really did but I just tossed and turned all night. I'm sure it was just the anticipation of being back in the reality of the world and all, but I also kept finding myself how different I thought this first day back would be. I had always imagined I would be showing up to this season of Homeland with my new baby in tow for everyone to meet. I would have been one of those parents. The one that has a million pictures and videos of their kid and is eager to show them to anyone that wants to see them. Hell, I showed pictures of Nolan to people and he wasn't even alive. He was beautiful though and he deserves to be shown off.

It was a strange day, but all in all it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Marshall was right. Work was a good distraction. I had to pay so much attention to what we were filming and was so busy all day, I scarcely had a moment to myself all day. It was refreshing in a way. Most days I have to work at keeping my mind occupied to keep it from going to the dark places it so easily migrates to.

After work, I was finally able to move in to my new apartment. Since Marshall was on his way up to visit me for the weekend I moved all the boxes in by myself before he arrived. It's a cute little apartment in a great location in Charlotte so hopefully we will have some good times here this season. At the very least, it is within walking distance of Starbucks and the Mac store so that should keep Marshall happy when he visits. It might not have been a really long workday (as we kept it to just 13 hours), but it was an emotionally and mentally draining day. At least I can check another firsts off my list after today.