Showers

I had been dreading today for weeks. My husband told me not to do it. My nurse friend Tifni told me to not push myself and just do what feels right. My friend Jessica said the strength of my friendship with Tina will help me through it. Today was the day of the baby shower - Tina's baby shower. Just 10 weeks ago I was at Tina's house as she, Susan and Stacey hosted my baby shower. That was one week before I found out my baby had passed away and gave birth to my stillborn baby boy. I had been dreading having to go to a baby shower and feign happiness and excitement. But, she was one of my dearest friends. Any other "just friend" and I would most certainly have not even entertained going. Tifni warned me that sometimes the anticipation was worse than the actual event. But at the first baby shower Tifni went to after her son Brody was born stillborn she had severe anxiety and only stayed long enough to drink some punch. Oh great! If Tifni, a labor and deliver nurse, can't make it through a baby shower 6 months after her son was stillborn how am I going to do it less than 3 months after Nolan was stillborn?

Yesterday after returning home from Zumba class in the morning, I stepped into a hot shower and was so completely overcome with grieve and anxiety I thought surely I will not be able to do it. I sat down in the shower and let the hot water rain overtop me as I sobbed. It wasn't the pretty sort of cry either. It's that kind you do only in the shower where nobody can see or hear you. Where your tears mix so quickly with the shower water streaming down you that you don't know which is producing more water - you or the shower head. I stayed there in the shower sobbing away my fears until the warm water ran out and I was forced to suck it up and get out. After a shower like that, I feel drained - emotionally and physically. I think I cried so much I had made myself dehydrated.

Still, I agreed to go to the shower with my mom this morning only if she was willing to leave whenever I wanted to. We pulled up to the huge brick house in Landfall early, turned around and parked out on the street plotting our easy getaway.  When we walked through the large glass door we were greeted by Tina, her mother-in-law Sherry and Jo, the hostess. They all knew what it took for me to step through that door and hugged me and said they understood if I couldn't make it through. I almost cried when Tina hugged me and told me she knew how hard it was for me to be there. Oh Tina, you have no idea and I pray you never do! Jo immediately handed me an alcohol concoction to drink and it could have been anything at that point, I would have drank it. If I had been smart I probably would have had a glass of wine at home by myself first. Instead, I would proceed to drink not one, but three glasses of Prosecco and blood orange soda. Early on I almost had to excuse myself when I saw a woman walk in with her baby boy. Really? REALLY? This was a luncheon baby shower. A fancy luncheon in Landfall. Not the kind of baby shower you bring your baby to and some woman had to bring her baby?! I about lost it. Especially when she came up to me to introduce herself and her baby boy. Seriously woman you have no idea who you are talking to right now. If you did, you would not dare come anywhere near me. I smiled politely and downed my glass right in front of her. I think she got the hint that I had no desire to make small talk with her. Anyone else sure, but not her. Not this mother happily bouncing her baby boy on her hip and showing him off to all that was there. No, this is just too much. I thought I might just vomit on her if she continued to talk to me. Fortunately for her, she walked away at the right time.

From that point on, every time the door opened and another guest arrived, I cringed at the thought of more babies showing up. If this was about to turn in to romper room, I was so out of here. Thankfully, no more babies came. I made it through the beautiful luncheon just fine. After one drink, I knew that if I wanted to continue to drink I would have to eat something or become that drunk woman at a baby shower. So I sat out on the back porch overlooking the patio and ate my little cucumber sandwiches and drank my Prosecco & orange soda. I chose not to sit at the table with Tina, but instead sat with her MIL Sherry, my mom, Susan and Stacey. I figured any talk at Tina's table was surely to be baby talk and so it was probably best to just steer clear of that.

No sooner had I finished my second drink and it was time to open up presents. Okay good. Maybe she would open my gift and I could leave. I pulled out my camera since Tina failed to bring one of her own and started to snap away. I've found that by viewing things through a camera lens we are removed from the situation a bit. The camera gives you a different perspective on things. I compare it to standing in a rain shower and looking out. The water gathers on your lashes and skews your view of the world around you. That is what a camera lens does to me. The way you view the world with your eye and the way a camera sees it are totally different. In a way the photography taking gave me something to focus on instead of focusing on Tina's baby shower and her joy and excitement. I also noticed at this point that the baby boy was missing. Apparently, the woman wised up and had someone come get him. Thank God! Maybe I would make it through this. And it was a good thing because wouldn't you know it, my present was the 2nd to last one Tina opened. It was hard to hear all the mothers in the room give Tina advice - "Oh, that thing was a lifesaver with my son" or "Harper is going to love that!" If life hadn't been so cruel to me I would have been one of those mothers telling her what I had learned since Nolan's birth.

I exhaled a big sigh of relief when the present opening was finally over. I had come, stayed and I was done. I picked up my purse, hugged Tina bye and was out the door. You would have thought I was running back to the car and probably would have if my mother could have kept up with me. I shut the door to the car and breathed normally for the first time all morning. I felt my heartbeat slowly return to normal as Mom cranked up the car. She looked over at me, patted me on the knee and said, "Well, we survived it." Just then I realized how hard it was for my mother too. I hadn't been the only one dreading the baby shower, she had too. She told me as we drove back to my house that there were a few times she started to get choked at the shower.

I sometimes forget that Marshall and I are not the only ones still grieving the loss of our little boy. Our parents are all still very much grieving him. So are our families and our close friends. We weren't the only ones that had gotten their hopes up and made plans for a future that included Nolan. Everyone's plans had been destroyed in one second that day in March.

After such an exhausted morning mentally, I probably would have spent the rest of my day sleeping and most likely crying some. However, I had to drive with my Mom to Goldsboro for my cousin Sandra's 50th birthday party. I was excited to go see some of my family, even though I hadn't seen Sandra since I was in the hospital having Nolan. I knew when she showed up at the hospital that even though it had been 19 years since her son passed away, being there for me took a lot of bravery on her part. The death of your child is something you never get over and I'm sure my whole life there will be new obstacles for me to overcome. The first time you do anything after your child passes away is an obstacle. The first time you come home without him. The first time you tell someone he's passed. The first time you look at his pictures. The first time you go to a baby shower that isn't for him. The first time you hold another baby. The first time you are there with someone else who also has lost a child. Even though our losses are so completely different, they are the same. We both lost our sons. It was great to see my cousins and my Aunt Jo and of course to see Sandra's surprised face when she realized the party was for her. As I hugged her to leave she pulled me close and whispered in my ear, "you will have another baby." I nodded. She should know. She had another son.

You know that saying, "when it rains, it pours." Usually, I use it in reference to work, but today it seemed to be the sentiment of the day. My day was full of emotions, firsts, hard hugs and fighting back tears. I felt exhausted by the time the second party was over and was completely done trying to hold back tears. If one more person hugged me I would probably break down sobbing. Before leaving Goldsboro I decided to meet some friends for coffee at Starbucks. Jeff and Tori had gone to high school with me and had been very supportive when Nolan passed away. They even drove down to Wilmington for his memorial service. Jeff, the joker, I knew would make me laugh and probably do me some good after the exhausting emotional day I'd had. Sally also turned out to meet us and we had a good time catching up and laughing. To add to our amusement in walked four people wearing hotdog and hamburger shirts and a mime! We had a good time musing in our heads the story behind it all and finally got the guts to not only ask them, but ask if we could take our picture with them. The hotdog and hamburger people all worked for the Air Force and had just found the shirts at Walmart and decided it would be funny to wear them. The mime was a girl that had just had a dance recital that day. I left my friends feeling like a weight had been lifted off me. The laughing had done me some good after such a heavy day. Hopefully after a day of showers, I will have a dry and sunny day tomorrow.

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