Today was my last day of prep as tomorrow I start filming. I had been dreading the cast table read as I had yet to see most of the cast. As I drove over to the office it felt as though a storm was brewing inside me. I could feel the anticipation mounting as I was afraid of some of the conversations I might have to have. I didn't know which actors knew and which ones didn't. Last year, I had talked with Claire and Morena numerous times about the baby. Being all the same age and newly married, babies were on all of our minds so when they found out I was pregnant (and they figured it out before anyone) it soon become the topic of many of our conversations. Claire had even made me promise to text her when we found out the sex of the baby since the show would be on hiatus when we found out. As promised I did and she was so excited to see that the string test had been correct. I knew Morena knew about Nolan's death as she had sent us flowers and a card to our house the day we got home from the hospital. I had also seen Morena on Monday and had already hugged her and talked with her. Claire, however, I had not seen and I knew if Morena knew so did Claire. As expected, it appeared that most of the guys did not seem to know what happened. Fortunately, they also seemed to have forgotten that I was pregnant at the end of the show. I was barely showing when the show ended last season, so it is understandable that they would have forgotten. At least I dodged that bullet for now. Eventually, I am sure it will come out though but I will deal with that then. For today Claire was the only one I had to briefly deal with. Since she was unable to speak to me before the table read, I thought I might sneak out before she had a chance to say anything but I wasn't. As I was exiting she excused herself from her conversation to come over and give me a hug and tell me how sorry she was. We both got a little choked up. It was good to see her and I am sure we will talk more later about it. I felt a sigh of relief as I exited the room and promptly left the building. I had weathered the storm. Monday I had shown my face to all the crew and today I saw all the actors and I managed to do it all without bursting into tears.
I figured while I was on a role overcoming obstacles, I would try to find Marshall something for Father's Day. What do you get someone for Father's Day when there is no longer a kid? Most would probably say nothing and that's probably why he didn't think to get me anything until last weekend when he bought me a CD. I didn't fault him for it. In a way it kind of seems silly to buy Mother's Day and Father's Day gifts when there is no child to be a mother and father to anymore. But the truth is we were a mother and father and so we now and forever will be. Even if we never had another child, nobody could take away the fact that we were somebody's mother and father. Just because a parent dies doesn't mean a child stops being a child and just because our child died doesn't mean we stopped being parents. It's just different than either of us had expected, that's all. So I found myself in Barnes and Nobles wondering around. I wasn't even sure why I was there or what to even look for to get Marshall. He isn't a big reader so why am I in Barnes and Nobles? Oh well, since I'm hear I might as well get a coffee and peruse the aisles. I did find some great pieces of artwork with sayings on them. The one I liked the best said, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I had been waiting for the storm to pass all this time. It was never going to. I could wait my whole life and this storm is never going to go away. The sky will always be dark. Until I learn to dance in rain, my situation won't get any better. Only we have have the power to make a crappy situation better by our outlook on it. Nobody is going to give us any closure other than the closure we give ourselves. I think Marshall and I have danced in the rain of this storm as much as we could and will continue to do so until eventually we see a rainbow peeping through. I know in my heart that eventually the sun will break through the darkness and there will be sunny days ahead. We just first have to weather this storm and do the best we can not to get sucked up in it. It would be real easy for us both to through ourselves a pity party and drown ourselves in our sorrow, but that wouldn't bring Nolan back. Nothing will bring Nolan back. Nothing will change our situation. The only thing we can do is try to make the best of the crappy hand of life we've been dealt right now and try to better ourselves and our relationship because of it. Hopefully, by doing so we will be better people and better parents in the long run. I didn't buy the artwork today but I think the saying is a good one for us to remember. Whenever I am feeling down I will look at that photo and try to dance in rain instead of waiting on the storm to pass.
I figured while I was on a role overcoming obstacles, I would try to find Marshall something for Father's Day. What do you get someone for Father's Day when there is no longer a kid? Most would probably say nothing and that's probably why he didn't think to get me anything until last weekend when he bought me a CD. I didn't fault him for it. In a way it kind of seems silly to buy Mother's Day and Father's Day gifts when there is no child to be a mother and father to anymore. But the truth is we were a mother and father and so we now and forever will be. Even if we never had another child, nobody could take away the fact that we were somebody's mother and father. Just because a parent dies doesn't mean a child stops being a child and just because our child died doesn't mean we stopped being parents. It's just different than either of us had expected, that's all. So I found myself in Barnes and Nobles wondering around. I wasn't even sure why I was there or what to even look for to get Marshall. He isn't a big reader so why am I in Barnes and Nobles? Oh well, since I'm hear I might as well get a coffee and peruse the aisles. I did find some great pieces of artwork with sayings on them. The one I liked the best said, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I had been waiting for the storm to pass all this time. It was never going to. I could wait my whole life and this storm is never going to go away. The sky will always be dark. Until I learn to dance in rain, my situation won't get any better. Only we have have the power to make a crappy situation better by our outlook on it. Nobody is going to give us any closure other than the closure we give ourselves. I think Marshall and I have danced in the rain of this storm as much as we could and will continue to do so until eventually we see a rainbow peeping through. I know in my heart that eventually the sun will break through the darkness and there will be sunny days ahead. We just first have to weather this storm and do the best we can not to get sucked up in it. It would be real easy for us both to through ourselves a pity party and drown ourselves in our sorrow, but that wouldn't bring Nolan back. Nothing will bring Nolan back. Nothing will change our situation. The only thing we can do is try to make the best of the crappy hand of life we've been dealt right now and try to better ourselves and our relationship because of it. Hopefully, by doing so we will be better people and better parents in the long run. I didn't buy the artwork today but I think the saying is a good one for us to remember. Whenever I am feeling down I will look at that photo and try to dance in rain instead of waiting on the storm to pass.
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