Music Therapy

Music has always played a huge part in my life. From the time I was able to reach the keys, I was sat at a piano and taught to play little ditties. I sometimes wish I had been more interested in music at the time and less interested in dance for my piano playing is somewhat basic but I love it. I love to listen to piano music and I love to play it. I only wish I could play it better. My husband, on the other hand, is a very talented musician. A self taught guitarist, he is the type that can hear a song and figure out how to play it within minutes. His first instrument was a violin that he had found, believe it or not. Later he inherited his older brother's guitar when it became apparent he was the only one with any interest in learning to play. I guess like most musicians, he too wishes he had other gifts. The gift he wants - to be able to play the piano. Now, we have a piano in our house. A very old piano. It used to belong to my Aunt Fran and I'm not sure where it came from before her. I inherited it when I started to play and I still have it. It is an old standard Kimball piano. Its ivory keys are now a more yellowish color. I play it every now and then. One thing Marshall had prayed for was for his son to have long fingers so that if he was interested in playing the piano he would "at least have the right equipment." Nolan was indeed blessed with long fingers. He probably would have made an excellent pianist, if he had wanted to be one.

Marshall once told me that when he goes through bad things he stops listening to and playing music. When we had come home from the hospital, Marshall had played his guitar one day for a bit and then put it away. He didn't pick it up again for weeks. When he did, he started talking about buying a new guitar. Thanks to the deal Army Wives had with Fender, Marshall was able to get an amazing electric guitar for a fraction of the cost. This week, that guitar was delivered to his parents house in Charleston. Marshall's mom said he had been like a 6 year old on Christmas morning opening it. The first thing he did when he got home last night was to show it to me and first thing this morning he played it for me. The rest of the day, Marshall told me how excited he was to be off work in a couple of weeks so he could play music. Just as writing has been therapeutic for me, playing music would be so for Marshall. He intended to write music and write about Nolan and let the music heal him.

Music can do that for people. If you are a musician, it can be healing to play an instrument and get lost in it. If you aren't, you can get lost in listening to music. I made two playlists of music after Nolan died that I listen to based on my mood. One is my Zumba playlist that I listen to whenever I need to uplifted. The other is a playlist of songs that remind me of Nolan. I listen to this playlist a lot when I am writing or when I just want to take some time to think. As we rode around Charleston today, Marshall got more and more excited about the prospect of making music with his new guitar. Then he started to tell me how he had started to really listen to music again. Perhaps one of his favorite artist (besides the Grateful Dead, because we all know Marsh is a Dead Head) is Dave Matthews. He said after listening to his album Some Devil, the songs and lyrics have all changed their meaning for him. Just as Bette Midler's song "Baby Mine" has different meaning for me now, so does Dave Matthews' "So Damn Lucky." Marshall played the song for me and described to me how he now related to the song.

In "So Damn Lucky" the lyrics that really resonated with Marshall were "Everything's different just like that/ Oh my God, wait and see/ What soon will become of me?/ Frozen hearts/ Screaming wheels/ Does that screaming come from me?" For Marshall, this song took him back to that horrible Wednesday night in March when I called him from the hospital to tell him our son had died and he needed to come home. Marshall cried a bit as he sung, "Take me back, just before I was spinning/ Take me back, just before I got dizzy/ Take me back, amazing what a minute can do." It was true. In one minute, our whole world was shattered. The true power of a great song is its ability to take you to a time and place. Right now, we are drawn to songs that remind us of Nolan or help us relate to our situation. In Marshall's case, Dave Matthews' songs help Marshall to acknowledge his own feelings about Nolan's death. In a lot of ways, I think in going back to work Marshall has had to put his healing on hold in order to get through. I'm sure I will do some of that too. It's only natural that you put up a guard while at work in order to get the job done.

I think today I was in a better mindset to really hear Marshall's advice on going back to work. Marshall is always telling me to "live in the moment" and not worry about the future. I guess I should probably listen to him and it might help me to get through going back to work. In leaving home yesterday, I should have tried to focus on the fact that I was just leaving for a short period. Just like when we left to go to Florida for a few days or when I left to go to Charleston for a long weekend. Instead, I focused on the fact that I had no idea when I would come back. But one great thing Marshall suggested was that we plan a trip for when I get off work in November. With our jobs it is hard to plan trips as we never really know when we will be working and where and we can't just take time off. So, he thought maybe Thanksgiving would be a good time for us to just take the week and go somewhere. He thought that by me having something to look forward to, it would help me get through going back to work and having to be out of town. The more we talked about it the more excited I got about the idea. Right now, we are considering going to Ireland. Marshall has been before, but I haven't and it is somewhere I've always wanted to go to - especially now that I'm married to a person of Irish decent.

We stopped at Starbucks to caffeine up and chat some more about our trip. While in Starbucks, we found a compilation CD entitled Every Mother Counts. Intrigued by the title, I picked it up and read about it. The proceeds of the CD went to Every Mother Counts to fund research on maternal health globally. Marshall bought it for me, saying it was a late Mother's Day gift for me. It was a beautiful CD, but the song that stood out the most for me on it was Seal's "Secret." Marshall after hearing it said he might have to learn to play that song for it was a beautiful love song from a son to a mother. The lyrics that resonated to me was "I belong to you/ And you belong to me/ Look at me/ I'm one of your secrets/ From what I see/ You're trying hard to keep it." As a mother, you always want to protect your children and this feeling hasn't changed even though my son died. I still want to keep him and protect him. He is my little secret in that he will always be on my mind even though others won't know he is. And he will always belong to me. In the hospital my Mother gave me a necklace with a key pendant. Attached was a note that said this was a little token for me to always remember that Nolan held the key to my heart and I his - for he belonged to me, and I belonged to him. While I can't play music in order to heal in the way that Marshall can, I still have relied on music to help me get through. Some songs stir up sadness, while others distract me and uplift my spirit. They are all necessary though as each day requires something different in order to help me heal. Fortunately, there are countless songs that speak to us and are there on the days when we need to listen to them.

For More Information on Every Mother Counts and STILLBIRTH