Today at lunch as we looked at Eli sitting there now a happy and healthy (and barely on the growth charts) 6 month old, we talked about what had happened to both of us and how it is so hard to believe that with all the medical technology they can't foresee these things. It's hard to believe that we are virtually helpless to help a baby in utero. By the time we know something is wrong, it often is too late to do anything about it. Kathy looked at me and said, "it's like you said in your post, it's a miracle they are ever even born." Fortunately, in Kathy's case Eli was born alive and medical technology was able to help him. Other than being the size of a 3 month old at 6 months old, Eli appears perfectly normal and healthy. I did manage to hold Eli - which is by far the smallest baby I've held since Nolan passed away. The only other baby I've held was Dylan and he is more the size of a 10 month old even though he is only 7 months old. Eli was cute and happy, but I couldn't help thinking while I held him that I should be holding my son right now. I should be here at lunch with Kathy and our sons. I am happy though that she brought the boys and I'm happy that she told me, "if you don't want to I understand, but if you want to hold Eli, you can." I love babies. I always have. That is why I got pregnant in the first place. I feel as though some of my friends that have had babies or are expecting babies are afraid of me and have been avoiding me. I'm sure they just don't think I want to be around babies or are trying to not rub my face in what they have and I don't, but in the same regard, I don't like being treated like a leopard. Maybe it was Kathy's scare with Eli that made her different, but I'm glad that she treated me like she would have before Nolan's death.
After I left lunch with Kathy, I drove across the street to my Aunt Linda's house to visit a bit with her. The last time I saw my Aunt Linda was in January for my Uncle Jim's funeral. After Nolan passed away, Aunt Linda had sent me a book entitled My Beautiful Broken Shell. I imagine someone gave this to her after Uncle Jim passed away, but I actually forgot to ask her. My aunt has been scarcely home since my uncle's passing and it seems as though she will be gone for most of July as well. As we sat in her enormously empty house and talked about all her travel plans, she leaned forward and said, "it's like you said, if you keep yourself busy you don't have time to be in the reality of things." My aunt might not know anything about losing a child, but she knows how it feels to lose the love of her life. As I looked at my aunt I thought, it's a miracle either one of us got out of bed today. It does feel like a miracle some days that I even have the strength to force myself out of bed when I don't have anything pressing I have to do. At least with work starting, I will be forced to get out of bed every day for a purpose. I saw a card the other day with this quote on it that resonated with me for some reason I didn't really understand at the time. I purchased the card even though I didn't really know why or what I was going to do with it. After all, I was looking for a Father's Day card and left with only one card and the card read:"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. - Albert Einstein" Now I believe this quote struck me because I once lived my life as though nothing was a miracle. I just expected that good things would happen to me because I was a good person. My philosophy on life has changed. Now everything is a miracle to me.
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