Back to Work

I had always envisioned going back to work after the birth of my baby to be a difficult thing to do. But after the death of my baby, I guess I figured going back to work wouldn't be that difficult. I was wrong. Even though I have a great job that is fun and pays rather decently, I still would have gladly stayed home forever. There was something about losing Nolan that made me just want to stay in the cocoon of unemployment at my house. I knew it was really just the safety net that my house and my family and friends provided that kept me from wanting to return to work. Still, I knew that eventually I must return back to work and face the rest of the world and all the people that didn't know my situation. I was afraid that by leaving my safety net I would also be leaving all the people that knew I still needed to be treated with sensitivity, that this was far from over. So today I started work filming on season 2 of Homeland and boy did it start off with a bang.

I guess in a way it was good to hit the ground running, but I had also been worried I might have trouble focusing. My job is a very detail oriented one so being able to focus for 12 hours is essential. On top of that I got absolutely NO sleep last night. I tried to fall asleep, I really did but I just tossed and turned all night. I'm sure it was just the anticipation of being back in the reality of the world and all, but I also kept finding myself how different I thought this first day back would be. I had always imagined I would be showing up to this season of Homeland with my new baby in tow for everyone to meet. I would have been one of those parents. The one that has a million pictures and videos of their kid and is eager to show them to anyone that wants to see them. Hell, I showed pictures of Nolan to people and he wasn't even alive. He was beautiful though and he deserves to be shown off.

It was a strange day, but all in all it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Marshall was right. Work was a good distraction. I had to pay so much attention to what we were filming and was so busy all day, I scarcely had a moment to myself all day. It was refreshing in a way. Most days I have to work at keeping my mind occupied to keep it from going to the dark places it so easily migrates to.

After work, I was finally able to move in to my new apartment. Since Marshall was on his way up to visit me for the weekend I moved all the boxes in by myself before he arrived. It's a cute little apartment in a great location in Charlotte so hopefully we will have some good times here this season. At the very least, it is within walking distance of Starbucks and the Mac store so that should keep Marshall happy when he visits. It might not have been a really long workday (as we kept it to just 13 hours), but it was an emotionally and mentally draining day. At least I can check another firsts off my list after today.