Early to Rise

Getting up at 5am was something I wasn't looking forward to when going back to work. I'm more of a night owl so early mornings do not come easy for me. I can, however, function on little amounts of sleep so I had that going for me at least. Although Friday had been a more reasonable call time (10am), it was a very busy day for me. I guess in a way it was good to hit the ground running, but I had also been worried I might have trouble focusing. My job is a very detail oriented one so being able to focus for 12 hours is essential. I found on Friday that by being so busy all day I hadn't been able to stop to think about Nolan or focus my attention on anything other than keeping up with the work at hand. The show I had been on prior to Nolan's birth had been a feature film and thus moved at a much slower pace than TV. Needless to say, Friday went off without a hitch and the work day was over before I knew it.

Monday was a different story. The morning looked to be fairly slow for me as we were only shooting one scene before moving locations so there was no chance of block shooting multiple scenes at one time. On top of the prospect of a slow morning, I also had to be at work at 6:30am. I don't think I have been up at that hour since I was in the hospital having Nolan. I had become quite used to sleeping in until 9am. My late morning wake ups were partly due to my inability to sleep well at night. It was usually well in to the wee hours of the morning before I could manage to go to sleep. I don't know why exactly I had such a hard time sleeping at normal hours for it definitely wasn't for lack of being tired. In fact, it seemed as though I was always tired these days. As I mentioned before, staying in bed all day would have been a very easy alternative for me. I could now understand why some people succumb to this option. It's the easy way out. Some days it was all I could do to force myself out of bed at any decent time. Now work was forcing me out of bed. At least sleeping all day would not be an option I could legitimately contemplate for any length of time.

So this morning when my multiple alarms went off at 5am, I jumped out of bed after only a mere 4 hours of sleep. Ugh. This day was going to be rough. Surely, I would be ready for a nap by mid morning. It did prove to not be as draining of a day as I had originally expected. I suppose after the months of emotionally draining day, work was a welcomed diversion. Now I was just mentally exhausted at the end of the day which is much easier of a time than being emotionally spent. I only had one moment early in the day when one of our actors came up to me and told me he had just heard about my news over the weekend. He gave me a big hug and told me how sorry he was to hear about my loss. Other than that, it was work as usual. Maybe I can do this after all. It seems as Marshall was right. Work was a bit cathartic. Work kept me busy throughout the day and gave me something to focus my mind on. Now if I could only get used to the early risings.

Back to Work

I had always envisioned going back to work after the birth of my baby to be a difficult thing to do. But after the death of my baby, I guess I figured going back to work wouldn't be that difficult. I was wrong. Even though I have a great job that is fun and pays rather decently, I still would have gladly stayed home forever. There was something about losing Nolan that made me just want to stay in the cocoon of unemployment at my house. I knew it was really just the safety net that my house and my family and friends provided that kept me from wanting to return to work. Still, I knew that eventually I must return back to work and face the rest of the world and all the people that didn't know my situation. I was afraid that by leaving my safety net I would also be leaving all the people that knew I still needed to be treated with sensitivity, that this was far from over. So today I started work filming on season 2 of Homeland and boy did it start off with a bang.

I guess in a way it was good to hit the ground running, but I had also been worried I might have trouble focusing. My job is a very detail oriented one so being able to focus for 12 hours is essential. On top of that I got absolutely NO sleep last night. I tried to fall asleep, I really did but I just tossed and turned all night. I'm sure it was just the anticipation of being back in the reality of the world and all, but I also kept finding myself how different I thought this first day back would be. I had always imagined I would be showing up to this season of Homeland with my new baby in tow for everyone to meet. I would have been one of those parents. The one that has a million pictures and videos of their kid and is eager to show them to anyone that wants to see them. Hell, I showed pictures of Nolan to people and he wasn't even alive. He was beautiful though and he deserves to be shown off.

It was a strange day, but all in all it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Marshall was right. Work was a good distraction. I had to pay so much attention to what we were filming and was so busy all day, I scarcely had a moment to myself all day. It was refreshing in a way. Most days I have to work at keeping my mind occupied to keep it from going to the dark places it so easily migrates to.

After work, I was finally able to move in to my new apartment. Since Marshall was on his way up to visit me for the weekend I moved all the boxes in by myself before he arrived. It's a cute little apartment in a great location in Charlotte so hopefully we will have some good times here this season. At the very least, it is within walking distance of Starbucks and the Mac store so that should keep Marshall happy when he visits. It might not have been a really long workday (as we kept it to just 13 hours), but it was an emotionally and mentally draining day. At least I can check another firsts off my list after today.

Hellos

The last time I had experienced a panic attack, I was in graduate school. There I would experience very mild ones on a regular basis. I even went to student health on a couple of occasions convinced there was something else really wrong with me for I honestly had no idea why I was having panic attacks. I did perfectly well in graduate school. I didn't feel overwhelmed or stressed beyond normal limits. But with the end of graduate school came the end of my panic attacks. My husband has told me of himself having a few panic attacks. One of which occurred on the Ravenel Bridge in Charleston, SC on his way to work. At the time he thought he might be having a heart attack, which of course he wasn't. I didn't think much of it knowing that my husband is deathly afraid of heights and if you have ever been on that suspension bridge you know it can be a bit hairy on windy days. Recently though he had one on set. He ended up having to step away for a bit. I'm not sure what prompted it and I don't know if Marshall even really knew himself. Today, I think I might have had an idea what caused his though for as I pulled up to the Homeland sound stages I began to become out of breath. I parked and suddenly my breath became quicker and more shallow and my chest began pounding. I had to sit for several minutes in my car before I could manage to slow my breathing. I was practically shaking. This was another one of those firsts Tifni talked about. Although it wasn't my first official day back to work, it was my first day seeing my coworkers. It had been some time since I saw a bunch of people that wanted to tell me how sorry they were for my loss. In fact, other than cards that we still periodically get in the mail and errant Facebook messages, I hadn't heard those words said to my face in quite some time. Everyone I saw on a regular basis already knew and had said everything they wanted to say to me. Sure I had a person every now and then say it, but not 50. I took a deep breath and cut the car off. Ready or not, I was doing this.

I tiptoed in to the office, but no sooner had I rounded the corner than I was met immediately with 5 people coming towards me with arms outstretched. They all said how much they missed me and were glad I was back and so on and so forth. I smiled and thanked them all and tried to remember how to chit chat. All I could come up with was, "so, how's the show been going?" I would repeat this phrase another 50 times before I left. For most people it was just the obligatory hug, the head tilt to the side and the, "I'm so sorry for your loss, Kara." I choked back tears numerous times, determined I was not going to cry in front of these people. I did manage to get pulled away for a few minutes by one of my closest friends on the set, Jen. She asked how being on set had been for me so far and if I was tired of all the head tilts and people looking at me with such sympathy. I smiled because she was stating out loud exactly how I was feeling. There was a subdued way with which everyone spoke to me. You know that tone you use at funeral homes or libraries. It was as if they spoke any louder I would surely burst into tears. I did receive some pretty fierce hugs that had they gone on even a moment longer I was surely going to break into tears. The women just hugged me, told me if I needed anything to let them know, and then told me how great I looked. I assume they meant for just having a baby I looked almost back to normal, but nobody said the words - just having had a baby. The men were a little bit less talky and more huggy. They gave me some great big bear hugs and then usually just asked about Marshall and was he still on Army Wives. Only a few men actually said they were sorry. I think most of them didn't know what to say. A few got pretty choked up when they attempted to say something to me so instead they stopped and just hugged me again and left. When I was down in Charleston over the weekend, Marshall and I had run into one of the biggest most burley grips on his show, Tim. Tim had come over and put his arm around me and asked how I was and that he had been thinking about me. Marshall was shocked to see Tim so gentle and kind to me and was amazed that Tim had said anything to me at all. That amazement was replicated today as one after one, the big burley grips came and hugged me. The biggest one of all (an ex boxer) actually spoke the words, "I was so sorry to hear about your baby, Kara." He then actually spent a moment talking to me about it and it amazed me that he had the courage to approach the subject when so many people don't. I don't expect people to, but I'm okay with talking about it if they ask. I think most people just don't ask because they don't know if it will cause any more pain for us.

Although I only spent a little over an hour at the office, I was emotionally pretty spent by the time I left. I ran by the Y to find out about Zumba classes only to learn that there wasn't one until the evening. So, I decide I would head back to Jay's and see a familiar face. Maybe that would cheer me up. Instead, I pulled in to an empty driveway. My heart sunk for a moment. I don't really want to be alone. But then I looked up and standing at the door were my two babies - JoJo and Buster. I wouldn't be alone as long as I had them to come home to and I immediately smiled at the sight of them. As soon as I got out of the car they both began wagging their tales and fetching their toys for me to see. The best hellos I received all day were from my puppies. They don't tilt their heads and look at me with sympathy. They just smile and wag their tags and are so excited to see me they can hardly contain their happiness within their bodies. Their excitement is infectious and it makes me smile and warms my heart. Dogs love unconditionally no matter what you do, or what you say, or what has happened to you. They shower you will love and happiness every time you walk in the door. Marshall had said it would be good for me to have them up here with me at first and he was right. Jay is going to be gone for a few days and then starting Sat I will be in my new apartment so the only company I will have when I come home with be my dogs. I know the same was true for my house in Wilmington after Marshall went back to work, but it was different there. In Wilmington I knew that if I couldn't take it any longer, there were people I could call to come over or I could go to their houses. I also was home with all the comforts I knew. Right now the only thing that makes coming back to Jay's home seem a bit like home is my dogs. But boy do they give the best Hellos!

Charlotte

A year ago this time I was traveling to Charlotte to work on season one of Homeland. Even though I had worked on numerous movies and plenty of TV shows, this would be the first TV show where I was the primary script supervisor. It was a big deal for me and a huge show. I was so excited. Having worked on the pilot for Homeland in January of 2011, I knew the show had the potential to be great. It's amazing what a year can do. Now it was with trepidation that I made the trip up to Charlotte to begin work on season two. I was now going to be walking in on a show that had already been filming for over a month, and for the last two weeks had been filming in Charlotte. The producers kindly let me take some additional time as I informed them I just didn't think I would be ready to come back to work in May. But now it was June and it was time for me to go back to work. It had been over 10 weeks since Nolan had died. In some ways, 10 very long weeks. In others, 10 extremely short weeks.

The sky seemed to reflect my sentiment tonight as I drove and rain poured down from the Heavens. Even though I was feeling somewhat better about having to leave my house, I now had to leave my husband. My only saving grace was that I can't move in to my apartment until Friday and so my cousin Jay graciously allowed me to stay with him for the first few days. At least I wouldn't be going to some empty new apartment by myself or, even worse, some sterile hotel room. I would see a friendly face and have some company. It was after 9pm when I finally pulled in to Jay's driveway, but thankfully Jay was a night owl. He helped me carry my stuff in and then chatted a bit with me before I eventually had to excuse myself to get ready for bed.

Tomorrow I have to go to the office and say hello to everyone. Some of the hellos are surely going to be difficult. I'm sure a lot of people won't know what to say to me and so some won't say anything at all. And that's okay. I wouldn't know what to say to me either. What do you say to someone who loses their baby for no apparent reason? I'm sorry seems such a trivial thing to say and, in a way, it is. Sometimes I wish people would just pretend as though nothing happened and treat me like they always do. Instead, I know everyone is going to have kid gloves on around me. Nobody wants to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. It's like Marshall said. At his work several guys have recently had babies. Ours was the only one that died. Now Marshall says they appear to not talk about their babies around him or stop talking when he comes near. We aren't bitter at other people's happiness. Yes it does seem cruel that people that don't even want babies have perfectly healthy ones while ours dies, but I'm not going to fault them for that. At least I have my "babies" here in Charlotte with me for a few weeks. The dogs are great company and will help me to adjust to being in Charlotte, especially on Friday when I move in to my own place.

Sunny Days

After a few days of gloom and a day of constant rain, I was so thankful to see the sun again today. I am one of those people who's mood is directly affected by the weather - or at least weather that lingers for more than a day. For this reason, I would never be able to live in Seattle, WA. Now while I'm sure it is beautiful there and I would love to visit I simply could not live somewhere where it rains 150 days out of the year, is cloudy 201 days out of the year and partly cloudy an additional 93 days. Okay, so no, Seattle is not actually the wettest city in the US but one could argue that it certainly is the most gloomy. I personally would be beyond depressed if I lived somewhere where the sunny days were few and far between. My body requires the natural Vitamin D the sun gives me and no amount of supplement will make up for the loss of natural sunlight. Yesterday I did what most people wish they could do on rainy days - I lounged on the couch and watched TV all day. I did finally manage at 4pm to get dressed and go to Zumba and then over to a friend's for dinner, but otherwise my day was just like the weather outside - a complete wash! Needless to say, today when I awoke and it was sunny I felt reenergized and couldn't wait to get outside. The added boost got me to not one, but two Zumba classes. While invigorating, they were inside so I still had to find some things to do to enjoy the sunny day. I was so hard up for things to do that not only did I wash and flush the boat but I washed the dog! Fortunately, Sally and Stacey saved me from finding any more outrageous chores and came over for some Hula Hooping.

I won't say I feel as though I get a good workout from Hula Hooping, but I most certainly get a good laugh. Now that I have finally mastered keeping the Hula Hoop up, I have moved on to trying a trick or two. Mostly just trying to move the Hula Hoop from above my head to down onto my waist. More times than naught I simply end up throwing the Hula Hoop across the yard in the direction of Stacey. She claims she is going to start wearing a helmet when hooping with me. While we Hula Hoop, I usually bring out our wireless outdoor speaker so we can have some inspiring tunes to hoop too. Tonight I piped in the Pandora "Club/Dance" station from the computer for our listening pleasure. It seemed as though every song that came on was from the playlist of my various Zumba instructors and it made me want to start Zumba in the front yard instead of hooping. I truly hope Zumba sticks around for awhile because I am certainly enjoying it.

All in all today was a really great day. Staying physically busy keeps my mind busy too and doesn't allow for much wallowing in my sorrows. Today the show I work on started filming. I felt a little as though I should have been there, but I also realized I was definitely not prepared to be on a film set yet. My mind still wanders easily, especially when given some down time and we all know there can be plenty of that on a film set!

Still, I felt a bit lost today as I felt a bit like life was continuing on without me. That probably doesn't make much sense but up until now I've been off work, but would have been off regardless. I had always planned on not working between seasons on Homeland and only took the job on The Occult because it was filming at home. Now Homeland is back up and filming without me and I feel a bit as if I'm standing still while the world is continuing to orbit around me. It was very perceptive of Marshall to ask me when I mentioned to him that Homeland started filming today if I felt like I should be there. In a way I guess I do, but at the same time I know I'm not ready to be there. I'm anxious to see everyone but I'm not ready to leave the comfort of my home and my friends. Although I don't go in there everyday, it's comforting knowing I can go into the nursery whenever I want and allow myself to grieve Nolan in there. In the nursery is where I keep my journal to Nolan and it is where I write my letters to him. When I leave to work on Homeland I will no longer have that comfort. It will be a hard transition for me, but also one I know I have to make. Homeland starting to film has been a wake up call for me in a way. It is now time for me to start to mentally prepare myself to go back to work. I've been receiving emails and text messages from Homeland for some time now, but the start of filming makes the looming date of me returning back to work more real. I would like to stay forever in my la la land of limbo where I can walk around in a haze and it be okay that I'm broken. Going back to work means I have to put on a facade that I'm healed and everything is okay - when, in fact, everything is never going to be okay again. There will surely be many sunny days ahead in my life, but underneath the surface of all of them will be a storm brewing. Hopefully, most days the rain won't come and the thunder will be kept inside so that nobody else is even aware of the turmoil inside me.