Hellos

The last time I had experienced a panic attack, I was in graduate school. There I would experience very mild ones on a regular basis. I even went to student health on a couple of occasions convinced there was something else really wrong with me for I honestly had no idea why I was having panic attacks. I did perfectly well in graduate school. I didn't feel overwhelmed or stressed beyond normal limits. But with the end of graduate school came the end of my panic attacks. My husband has told me of himself having a few panic attacks. One of which occurred on the Ravenel Bridge in Charleston, SC on his way to work. At the time he thought he might be having a heart attack, which of course he wasn't. I didn't think much of it knowing that my husband is deathly afraid of heights and if you have ever been on that suspension bridge you know it can be a bit hairy on windy days. Recently though he had one on set. He ended up having to step away for a bit. I'm not sure what prompted it and I don't know if Marshall even really knew himself. Today, I think I might have had an idea what caused his though for as I pulled up to the Homeland sound stages I began to become out of breath. I parked and suddenly my breath became quicker and more shallow and my chest began pounding. I had to sit for several minutes in my car before I could manage to slow my breathing. I was practically shaking. This was another one of those firsts Tifni talked about. Although it wasn't my first official day back to work, it was my first day seeing my coworkers. It had been some time since I saw a bunch of people that wanted to tell me how sorry they were for my loss. In fact, other than cards that we still periodically get in the mail and errant Facebook messages, I hadn't heard those words said to my face in quite some time. Everyone I saw on a regular basis already knew and had said everything they wanted to say to me. Sure I had a person every now and then say it, but not 50. I took a deep breath and cut the car off. Ready or not, I was doing this.

I tiptoed in to the office, but no sooner had I rounded the corner than I was met immediately with 5 people coming towards me with arms outstretched. They all said how much they missed me and were glad I was back and so on and so forth. I smiled and thanked them all and tried to remember how to chit chat. All I could come up with was, "so, how's the show been going?" I would repeat this phrase another 50 times before I left. For most people it was just the obligatory hug, the head tilt to the side and the, "I'm so sorry for your loss, Kara." I choked back tears numerous times, determined I was not going to cry in front of these people. I did manage to get pulled away for a few minutes by one of my closest friends on the set, Jen. She asked how being on set had been for me so far and if I was tired of all the head tilts and people looking at me with such sympathy. I smiled because she was stating out loud exactly how I was feeling. There was a subdued way with which everyone spoke to me. You know that tone you use at funeral homes or libraries. It was as if they spoke any louder I would surely burst into tears. I did receive some pretty fierce hugs that had they gone on even a moment longer I was surely going to break into tears. The women just hugged me, told me if I needed anything to let them know, and then told me how great I looked. I assume they meant for just having a baby I looked almost back to normal, but nobody said the words - just having had a baby. The men were a little bit less talky and more huggy. They gave me some great big bear hugs and then usually just asked about Marshall and was he still on Army Wives. Only a few men actually said they were sorry. I think most of them didn't know what to say. A few got pretty choked up when they attempted to say something to me so instead they stopped and just hugged me again and left. When I was down in Charleston over the weekend, Marshall and I had run into one of the biggest most burley grips on his show, Tim. Tim had come over and put his arm around me and asked how I was and that he had been thinking about me. Marshall was shocked to see Tim so gentle and kind to me and was amazed that Tim had said anything to me at all. That amazement was replicated today as one after one, the big burley grips came and hugged me. The biggest one of all (an ex boxer) actually spoke the words, "I was so sorry to hear about your baby, Kara." He then actually spent a moment talking to me about it and it amazed me that he had the courage to approach the subject when so many people don't. I don't expect people to, but I'm okay with talking about it if they ask. I think most people just don't ask because they don't know if it will cause any more pain for us.

Although I only spent a little over an hour at the office, I was emotionally pretty spent by the time I left. I ran by the Y to find out about Zumba classes only to learn that there wasn't one until the evening. So, I decide I would head back to Jay's and see a familiar face. Maybe that would cheer me up. Instead, I pulled in to an empty driveway. My heart sunk for a moment. I don't really want to be alone. But then I looked up and standing at the door were my two babies - JoJo and Buster. I wouldn't be alone as long as I had them to come home to and I immediately smiled at the sight of them. As soon as I got out of the car they both began wagging their tales and fetching their toys for me to see. The best hellos I received all day were from my puppies. They don't tilt their heads and look at me with sympathy. They just smile and wag their tags and are so excited to see me they can hardly contain their happiness within their bodies. Their excitement is infectious and it makes me smile and warms my heart. Dogs love unconditionally no matter what you do, or what you say, or what has happened to you. They shower you will love and happiness every time you walk in the door. Marshall had said it would be good for me to have them up here with me at first and he was right. Jay is going to be gone for a few days and then starting Sat I will be in my new apartment so the only company I will have when I come home with be my dogs. I know the same was true for my house in Wilmington after Marshall went back to work, but it was different there. In Wilmington I knew that if I couldn't take it any longer, there were people I could call to come over or I could go to their houses. I also was home with all the comforts I knew. Right now the only thing that makes coming back to Jay's home seem a bit like home is my dogs. But boy do they give the best Hellos!