A Heart to Hold

Today while I was at work a friend of ours dropped off a package for us with a note that instructed me not to open it until I got home. I figured it was something pertaining to Nolan, so I followed the instructions. Since I got off work at 8pm (unheard of on a Friday night), I picked up the dogs and drove down to Charleston. I decided not to open the package until Marshall and I could open it together. Today was Marshall's last day filming on Army Wives for the season and it just so happened that I made it to Charleston in time for their martini shot (the last shot of the day). It was nice to see everyone one last time and there were a few people there that I had not had the opportunity to see since Nolan's passing so I was able to receive their hugs and thoughts.

After they wrapped for the evening, some of the crew hung around to celebrate in now being gainfully unemployed. Marshall and I went and got the dogs out of the car and walked them around the stage. Marshall wanted to show them where he worked and they were very excited to see him and all the new people. That was until one of the production assistants came rushing past them on a scooter. I thought Buster was going to have a heart attack and JoJo wanted to chase him. We decided then that not only was it time to take them back to the car, but it was time for us to take ourselves to the car and go home. I had been up since 6am and it was now nearly 2am and I was feeling the weight of the day on the back of my eyelids.

I almost forgot about our package until we made it back to Marshall's parents' house and unpacked my bags and saw it. I told Marshall it was something from our friends Kat, Monica and Chrissy - all three work in the film business in Charlotte and have known Marshall for a long time. In fact, Monica is married to Marshall's boss and best friend Steve. The card attached to the gift said that they wanted to give us a "heart to hold." It wasn't until I opened the gift that I understood what exactly that meant. They had given us a blue stripped heart shaped pillow with Nolan's name and birth weight embroidered on it. But this wasn't any ordinary pillow. What was so amazing about this pillow is that it weighed exactly 5lbs 3oz - Nolan's birth weight. Since we didn't have Nolan to hold anymore they had given us a pillow to simulate the size and weight of Nolan. It was pretty surreal holding the pillow. As Marshall held it he said exactly what I was thinking - that he had forgotten how big Nolan had been. When you don't have anything tangible to see and hold it is hard to imagine how big 5lbs 3oz really is and this pillow is a great reminder of that. Nolan wasn't some little fetus. He was a full size baby with a full head of hair and was big enough to survive just fine outside me. In fact, he was bigger than some babies I know that were born healthy and at full term. I will cherish this pillow and hold it when those tough times come, as I know they will.

When I was in the hospital, my Mom gave me a necklace with a key pendant on it. She attached a note saying that it was to be a reminder to me that Nolan held the key to my heart and I his. One of the happiest moments of my life was when I saw Nolan's heartbeat for the first time and then later heard it time and time again at the doctor's office. And the saddest day of my life was that Wednesday night in March when the ultrasound showed that there was no longer a heartbeat. Nolan will always hold a piece of my heart, but now I have a heart to hold that will always remind me of my baby boy.