Today was one of those days where not much happened. I had to take JoJo to the vet and then spent the rest of the morning at the dentist. Oh joy. Afterwards, there wasn't much I wanted to do except for lay on the couch and nap. Rainy days do that to me. So I did just that. I watched my guilty pleasure - The Bachelorette - and I napped. The rain seemed endless today and the dogs appeared to be as lazy as I was today. There is one thing I don't have to worry about on rainy days and that is letting the dogs out. They refuse to go out in the rain. Such prima donnas. Seriously, they go to the door, see it is raining, turn their noses up at it and walk back to the living room and lay down. Well, at least I had a partner (or two) in crime today as I spent my afternoon leisurely laying around. It was all I could do to get up and change clothes and go to Zumba class. I even had to brew myself a cup of coffee in order to get the least bit motivated to get out of the house. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with the melancholy weather, but mostly it was me finally stopping long enough to give in to my true feelings.
If I could think I could get away with it, I probably would never get out of bed. But then surely someone would be texting or calling and would disturb me. I could always silent my phone, but if my husband didn't hear from me throughout the day he would probably send a rescue team. In reality, I really wish I could just curl up in bed, draw the curtains and sleep. Maybe if I did I would wake up from this horrible nightmare and my life would be different. But I know that if I didn't wake up from the nightmare, I would just become horribly depressed and you would never be able to get me out of bed. And so I wake up every morning and I get out of bed. I have my coffee and I get dressed. And I try to go out into the world and be "normal" - if there even is such a thing. Or at least I try to appear normal. If the Oscars handed out awards to everyday people, I should surely get one. Most people I meet would never know that I had just lost my son only 9 1/2 weeks ago. My performance on a day to day basis is stellar. Only in the comfort of my own home do I break down crying. My friends and family don't even see that side of me any more. Not that I'm trying to hide it from them, I'm just trying to keep the act up. I figure the more practice I have at it, the more convincing I will become. Eventually, I won't have to think about it anymore and the act will become second nature to me. It will never become anything but an act though. There will never be a day when I am okay with the fact that I lost my son. I will never get over it or be "normal" again. I will live and I will put one foot in front of the other every day, but I will never be the person I was before Nolan died. He has forever changed me and I refuse to act like he didn't. I will always remember him and talk about him and my future children will know about him. But the rest of the world doesn't care or understand my loss, and so I will put on a facade and act like I am just like everyone else.
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