You've Got Mail

When working out of town, I rarely get any mail other than bills. What mail I do get is usually a package of bills sent to me by my mom from my house. It is rare that I get anything fun. So imagine my surprise today when I opened my mailbox to see a brown package awaiting me. Delight! It was almost as fun as Christmas morning. I did know that the package would be coming and I did know what was in it, but none of that took away from the excitement over receiving a package. What I didn't expect was to receive it today. I had just received a message yesterday from Karson that she had sent it that day so to receive it the very next day was surprising. Yes, it was my Zumba gear that I won the Friday I left home. Zumba jingle bracelets and Zumba socks! As I rode the elevator up to my floor I smiled thinking of which bright colors they would be in. When I finally got in and opened them I couldn't help but smile. I put the jingle bracelets on and showed the dogs. They too were fascinated by them. I don't know if it was the bright colors or the noise that intrigued them more but I'm sure JoJo was hoping I would give her one to play with. She would inevitably tear every single one of those jingles off the bracelet, not because she hated them but because she loved them so. It's the same thing with squeaky toys. She loves the squeaker so much she can't help but chew and chew and chew trying to get to it until she eventually chews a hole right through it and it no longer squeaks. Then, of course, she has no use for it anymore.

It turns out I wasn't the only one to receive mail while they were out of town this week. Just yesterday Marshall also received some mail - a Father's Day card from our friends Tina and Jaime. It was quite a lovely card and Marshall said it was some of the nicest things any of his friends had ever said to him. It's amazing what a simple card can do for your psyche when you are out of town. The only thing better than a card? - a package of Zumba fun! Now I really can't wait for the weekend so I can go to Zumba class!

Zu Zu Zumba!

Don't worry, this will probably be the last Zumba post for awhile... okay, so that's probably a lie. But, today is the last day I will be visiting the Y in Wilmington for Zumba classes for awhile so I felt like it was appropriate to write about today. Even though I've only been doing Zumba for about a month, I have quickly become totally addicted to it. I started Zumba classes 6 weeks after I gave birth to my son Nolan and after my doctor had cleared me to "resume any and all physical activity." Wink. Wink. I guess for some women they don't feel the urge to immediately get their body back and not look pregnant. Sure, I might would have felt that way too if I was toting around my healthy baby boy, but being now a childless mother I was quick to want to not look pregnant any more. Anyone who knows me probably knows I'm not that motivated to workout in the traditional sense, but do enjoy activities. I also have a huge dance background having took ballet for 13 years. So Zumba seemed a likely choice since I heard it burned calories like no other.

Well, after leaving every hour long class drenched in sweat I knew I must be burning something off and eventually it started to show on the scale. It showed in my body too. My stomach was getting tighter again and my legs were getting firmer. Hopefully, sooner rather than later I would be rid of all this baby weight. I soon started attending just about every class offered at the Y, going to two and sometimes three classes a day when they were offered. I even visited my friend's gym to check out her Zumba class but quickly realized not all Zumba classes are created equal. My instructors at the Y were way more dancy and fun and their energy was great. In fact, it was probably their energy that drew me to the classes more than anything. One thing Marshall and I can't deal with right now is being around bad or negative energy. Fortunately, we have great friends with amazingly positive energy and now I had Zumba classes with intensely positive energy.

Most people probably think of something like Yoga as being more beneficial for your spiritual self as the self-reflection and meditation helps to heal the soul. I've tried Yoga numerous times in my life and I have some true Yogi friends, but being that in my head right now was not a good place for me to be. I needed something loud and difficult that would distract me. What better than Zumba? The music was infectious and clubby and the moves were challenging. Remembering them was even more so. It probably didn't help that several instructors used the same song but with different moves. Every time I thought I had the moves down I realized I had the other instructor's moves down. Oh well, as long as you were shaking it that is all that mattered.

In all my Zumba classes, I have made some observations regarding this trendy workout. In order to be a true Zumbie, you must not only purchase crazy looking pants but they must also have tassels on the butt. The purpose of this? Well, to make sure your butt is shaking, of course! (Note: I have yet to purchase any tassel pants). Secondly, you also must have brightly colored shirts with Zumba! written all over them or at least have the trademark circle logo with the Zumba dancer in it on them. Finally, to top off your outfit you must have ridiculously brightly colored socks and shoes. And it should go without saying, but none of this wardrobe needs to match either. Now while I have seen all of my instructors wear both the Zumba! shirts as well as the crazy colored shoes, I have yet to see any of them in tassel pants. They all either wear what appears to me to be traditional spandex capri pants or the billowing pants that are more reminescent of MC Hammer pants than anything to me. Now the die hard Zumbies complete their wardrobe with Zumba! bracelets and sweatbands. It's all very 80s to me and makes me laugh. But, hey maybe that's the point after all. Again, not a single instructor I've seen is either wearing Zumba bracelets nor sweatbands. In fact, the instructors all dance with their hair down and most of them have long hair. I've often wondered if that's a requirement for instructors to wear their hair down. Personally, I don't understand how they can stand it. You get so hot and sweaty in Zumba class that if you are not dripping in sweat by the end of it, you are doing something wrong. Meanwhile the instructors' hair is soaking wet yet they continue to sling it around not caring one bit. Umm, yeah. I'm not sure what to say about that except it must be a requirement in order to pass their Zumba instructor test.

Now that we have the wardrobe down, let's talk about class. It has come to my attention that you are not in Zumba class unless you either yell "Zumba" during the song or the song itself says Zumba in it. Usually, it is a combination of both. And if you aren't yelling Zumba you surely are making some other crazy sound that I can't even begin to replicate here. I'm not sure exactly why the instructors insist on having us do this. Personally, I think they enjoy seeing us be so utterly ridiculous and purposely try to see just what ridiculousness they can get us to agree to partake in. The instructors probably have some super secret FB page where they share their stories and get a good laugh at all of us Zumbies. Most people probably think Zumba class is just a whole lot of booty shaking, and you would be right. But there's also a whole lot of jumping around, clapping, spinning in circles and grapevining. A lot of the moves not only make you feel sexy, but they can make you feel like a kid again. Who over the age of 12 spends an hour jumping around and clapping anymore? Not me until I went to Zumba class. And then there are the songs! Oh the songs! It brings back my college years of clubbing and dancing. Those songs that aren't latin or bollywood based and sung in a language I can't understand but a beat I can dig, are modern and poppy. One instructor in particular likes anything by Pitbull and I have to say, I do too now. The music is so addicting that it is one of the reasons you keep coming back.

For me the physical and fun benefits of Zumba were a no brainer. If I stick with it, eventually I will have a body maybe not as great as my instructors', but awesome enough for me. But really the benefit that kept me coming back was the stress relief and spiritual healing it provided. Nothing releases stress better than yelling, kicking, punching and laughing. All of which I do at every single class. The endorphins you release while in there instantly improves your mood. I challenge anyone to go to a Zumba class and leave feeling down. This high is what kept me coming back. It gave me something to focus on for the hour and allowed me to leave my sorrows at the door. Never in a million years did I think I could get this benefit out of Zumba. In a weird way, Zumba healed me. Or at least put me in the right direction to start my healing process. I have a feeling it will take many, many more hours of Zumba to really see the full potential of it's healing process, but eventually I will see a more physically and emotionally strong person thanks to Zumba. So thanks so much Karson, Jaime and Wendy. I hope I can find some good substitute instructors in Charlotte until I can return to my Wilmington Zumba classes.

Sunny Days

After a few days of gloom and a day of constant rain, I was so thankful to see the sun again today. I am one of those people who's mood is directly affected by the weather - or at least weather that lingers for more than a day. For this reason, I would never be able to live in Seattle, WA. Now while I'm sure it is beautiful there and I would love to visit I simply could not live somewhere where it rains 150 days out of the year, is cloudy 201 days out of the year and partly cloudy an additional 93 days. Okay, so no, Seattle is not actually the wettest city in the US but one could argue that it certainly is the most gloomy. I personally would be beyond depressed if I lived somewhere where the sunny days were few and far between. My body requires the natural Vitamin D the sun gives me and no amount of supplement will make up for the loss of natural sunlight. Yesterday I did what most people wish they could do on rainy days - I lounged on the couch and watched TV all day. I did finally manage at 4pm to get dressed and go to Zumba and then over to a friend's for dinner, but otherwise my day was just like the weather outside - a complete wash! Needless to say, today when I awoke and it was sunny I felt reenergized and couldn't wait to get outside. The added boost got me to not one, but two Zumba classes. While invigorating, they were inside so I still had to find some things to do to enjoy the sunny day. I was so hard up for things to do that not only did I wash and flush the boat but I washed the dog! Fortunately, Sally and Stacey saved me from finding any more outrageous chores and came over for some Hula Hooping.

I won't say I feel as though I get a good workout from Hula Hooping, but I most certainly get a good laugh. Now that I have finally mastered keeping the Hula Hoop up, I have moved on to trying a trick or two. Mostly just trying to move the Hula Hoop from above my head to down onto my waist. More times than naught I simply end up throwing the Hula Hoop across the yard in the direction of Stacey. She claims she is going to start wearing a helmet when hooping with me. While we Hula Hoop, I usually bring out our wireless outdoor speaker so we can have some inspiring tunes to hoop too. Tonight I piped in the Pandora "Club/Dance" station from the computer for our listening pleasure. It seemed as though every song that came on was from the playlist of my various Zumba instructors and it made me want to start Zumba in the front yard instead of hooping. I truly hope Zumba sticks around for awhile because I am certainly enjoying it.

All in all today was a really great day. Staying physically busy keeps my mind busy too and doesn't allow for much wallowing in my sorrows. Today the show I work on started filming. I felt a little as though I should have been there, but I also realized I was definitely not prepared to be on a film set yet. My mind still wanders easily, especially when given some down time and we all know there can be plenty of that on a film set!

Still, I felt a bit lost today as I felt a bit like life was continuing on without me. That probably doesn't make much sense but up until now I've been off work, but would have been off regardless. I had always planned on not working between seasons on Homeland and only took the job on The Occult because it was filming at home. Now Homeland is back up and filming without me and I feel a bit as if I'm standing still while the world is continuing to orbit around me. It was very perceptive of Marshall to ask me when I mentioned to him that Homeland started filming today if I felt like I should be there. In a way I guess I do, but at the same time I know I'm not ready to be there. I'm anxious to see everyone but I'm not ready to leave the comfort of my home and my friends. Although I don't go in there everyday, it's comforting knowing I can go into the nursery whenever I want and allow myself to grieve Nolan in there. In the nursery is where I keep my journal to Nolan and it is where I write my letters to him. When I leave to work on Homeland I will no longer have that comfort. It will be a hard transition for me, but also one I know I have to make. Homeland starting to film has been a wake up call for me in a way. It is now time for me to start to mentally prepare myself to go back to work. I've been receiving emails and text messages from Homeland for some time now, but the start of filming makes the looming date of me returning back to work more real. I would like to stay forever in my la la land of limbo where I can walk around in a haze and it be okay that I'm broken. Going back to work means I have to put on a facade that I'm healed and everything is okay - when, in fact, everything is never going to be okay again. There will surely be many sunny days ahead in my life, but underneath the surface of all of them will be a storm brewing. Hopefully, most days the rain won't come and the thunder will be kept inside so that nobody else is even aware of the turmoil inside me.

Dance Like No One is Watching

When I was younger I was really in to dance. I started taking ballet when I was four and took it until I graduated high school. Ballet, tap, jazz, pointe, lyrical - you name it, I danced it. In high school it seemed as though I danced five days a week on top of cheerleading, swimming and soccer. There is something to be said for keeping your body busy, but dancing always felt freeing in a way no other activity did. I've never been a big club type dancer but I think had I been born during the renaissance era I would have loved all the choreographed dances and balls.

I always wondered in dance class if you were supposed to "dance as if no one was watching" why were there so many damn mirrors! I find the same true for Zumba classes. The only exception to this happens to be the classes that takes place in the gym where there are no mirrors. Not surprisingly these are my favorite classes. Everyone who has ever took any type of dance class I'm sure will agree that you want to believe your body is moving just like you think it is and those darn mirrors are an ugly reminder that it isn't. In Zumba class I have found a way around this is to look at the instructor and convince myself that my body is indeed moving just like hers.

It's no wonder to me that I gravitated towards Zumba dance classes as not only a way to get back into shape but also as a way to free my mind from the pain I'm feeling. I have now officially become a Zumba junky. I go to absolutely ever class I can at the Y and have already been researching where I can go to class in Charlotte when I head back to work on Homeland. The thought of being limited to classes only on the weekends once I start back to work is disheartening. There is certainly some truth to the old adage "dance all your cares away." I definitely feel as though dancing is healing in a lot of ways. Of course I'm sure it has something to do with the endorphines released during the workout and all that, but I think there is more to it than just some hormones. Dance, like writing, is an expression of one's self - ergo, it too is therapeutic to me.

In addition to physically going to dance class, I have also been jonesing for my favorite dance show to air - So You Think You Can Dance. Fortunately for me, my Idol girls are also big fans of SYTYCD - or are at least willing to watch it. Watching dances can have the same emotional power as watching a movie. Well choreographed dances that are preformed by strong dancers suck you in and allow you to escape into their world for a few minutes. These dances always stick with me for years to come and several of them are dances I saw performed on SYTYCD. The long awaited premiere for the show was tonight and although it was only auditions, I saw some performances that were astonishing, and some that were rather comical. There was even a cute little girl in her ballet tutu that performed and while she was memorable, her mother who performed before her was even more so. But, the one I remember the most and the one that had the most emotional impact on me was this very bizarre looking guy who claimed to be able to take all your pain away through his dance. Well, I wouldn't say he took my pain away, but his dance style was truly unique and engaging.

What did take my cares away for a few hours tonight was not only the show and Zumba class, but my friends. Once again it was a great night of talking, eating and laughing. There was even some drinking and hula hooping involved and since we had the room, some dancing. While none of us were remotely as good as some of the dancers on SYTYCD, we tried to mimic some of them especially the beat boy dancer. It's great to have friends that you can be yourself around and "dance like no one is watching," even though they all are!

Zumba, Zumba

Sometimes keeping the body busy is the best way to divert the mind. I have found that while in Zumba class I spend the whole hour focusing on my body and how to make it move the way the instructor's is that I don't have any time to worry about all the hard realities of life. It is probably for this reason that I found myself in not one but two Zumba classes today. It wasn't preplanned or even intentional, it just sort of happened. I had planned on going to one Zumba class at the YMCA and then Susan called and wanted me to join her at her gym for a different Zumba class. Not wanting to miss the class I had already planned on going to because I really liked the instructor, I simply agreed to go to both. Now I would not have just one hour of solace from my thoughts, but two. Afterwards, I felt sore but amazingly refreshed and so I decided that for  the next 3 weeks while I was still off I was going to make working out my job. So far I've only found one thing I really enjoy doing - Zumba - but I will go to every Zumba class I can. Maybe along the way I will find something else that inspires me the way Zumba does.

It's ironic that today when I come to this realization that exercise really does help heal my soul that a friend posted a picture on my page of three college boys kicking a soccer ball. These boys were spotted in Goldsboro, NC and they are kicking soccer balls across North Carolina in an attempt to show people how a sport can bond people of different religious backgrounds together in a peaceful coexistence. The boys are all college students at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill - my alma mater. I'm so glad that Jeff posted this on my page and that I was intrigued enough to go to their website Kicking Across Carolina and find out all about them. It was indeed inspiring and proved to me that finding something you are passionate about can do miracles for not only your own physical and emotional well being but also helps to strengthen your bonds with other people. It makes me remember something Shea had said at Nolan's memorial service. She had said that when she was in high school and we were playing soccer together she never imagined that those friendships she was developing then would end up carrying her through her adult life.

There's that phrase - "a couple that plays together, stays together." I think there is a lot of truth in this statement. I don't think that it necessarily means that Marshall needs to do Zumba with me but that we both have exercises that we enjoy which, while molding our physical bodies also mold our spiritual bodies. For Marshall this is surfing. If you have never surfed, let me tell you it is hard work. I'm an extremely strong swimmer but paddling a 9ft surfboard against waves is tough! But when you do finally make it out there the serenity of the ocean beyond the waves is mesmerizing. Many a times I made it out beyond the break and just sat on my board and took in the beauty and calmness of the vast ocean. If two people are able to both find something that helps them to physically and spiritually improve themselves then they are bound to stay together. I think it is when we let not only our physical self but our spiritual and emotional self to become stagnant that we have troubles in our relationships with people. That would explain why we feel more energetic and alive when we exercise. So for now I will Zumba my butt (and cares) away and hope that each day I feel just a tiny bit more alive for it.