Sunny Days

After a few days of gloom and a day of constant rain, I was so thankful to see the sun again today. I am one of those people who's mood is directly affected by the weather - or at least weather that lingers for more than a day. For this reason, I would never be able to live in Seattle, WA. Now while I'm sure it is beautiful there and I would love to visit I simply could not live somewhere where it rains 150 days out of the year, is cloudy 201 days out of the year and partly cloudy an additional 93 days. Okay, so no, Seattle is not actually the wettest city in the US but one could argue that it certainly is the most gloomy. I personally would be beyond depressed if I lived somewhere where the sunny days were few and far between. My body requires the natural Vitamin D the sun gives me and no amount of supplement will make up for the loss of natural sunlight. Yesterday I did what most people wish they could do on rainy days - I lounged on the couch and watched TV all day. I did finally manage at 4pm to get dressed and go to Zumba and then over to a friend's for dinner, but otherwise my day was just like the weather outside - a complete wash! Needless to say, today when I awoke and it was sunny I felt reenergized and couldn't wait to get outside. The added boost got me to not one, but two Zumba classes. While invigorating, they were inside so I still had to find some things to do to enjoy the sunny day. I was so hard up for things to do that not only did I wash and flush the boat but I washed the dog! Fortunately, Sally and Stacey saved me from finding any more outrageous chores and came over for some Hula Hooping.

I won't say I feel as though I get a good workout from Hula Hooping, but I most certainly get a good laugh. Now that I have finally mastered keeping the Hula Hoop up, I have moved on to trying a trick or two. Mostly just trying to move the Hula Hoop from above my head to down onto my waist. More times than naught I simply end up throwing the Hula Hoop across the yard in the direction of Stacey. She claims she is going to start wearing a helmet when hooping with me. While we Hula Hoop, I usually bring out our wireless outdoor speaker so we can have some inspiring tunes to hoop too. Tonight I piped in the Pandora "Club/Dance" station from the computer for our listening pleasure. It seemed as though every song that came on was from the playlist of my various Zumba instructors and it made me want to start Zumba in the front yard instead of hooping. I truly hope Zumba sticks around for awhile because I am certainly enjoying it.

All in all today was a really great day. Staying physically busy keeps my mind busy too and doesn't allow for much wallowing in my sorrows. Today the show I work on started filming. I felt a little as though I should have been there, but I also realized I was definitely not prepared to be on a film set yet. My mind still wanders easily, especially when given some down time and we all know there can be plenty of that on a film set!

Still, I felt a bit lost today as I felt a bit like life was continuing on without me. That probably doesn't make much sense but up until now I've been off work, but would have been off regardless. I had always planned on not working between seasons on Homeland and only took the job on The Occult because it was filming at home. Now Homeland is back up and filming without me and I feel a bit as if I'm standing still while the world is continuing to orbit around me. It was very perceptive of Marshall to ask me when I mentioned to him that Homeland started filming today if I felt like I should be there. In a way I guess I do, but at the same time I know I'm not ready to be there. I'm anxious to see everyone but I'm not ready to leave the comfort of my home and my friends. Although I don't go in there everyday, it's comforting knowing I can go into the nursery whenever I want and allow myself to grieve Nolan in there. In the nursery is where I keep my journal to Nolan and it is where I write my letters to him. When I leave to work on Homeland I will no longer have that comfort. It will be a hard transition for me, but also one I know I have to make. Homeland starting to film has been a wake up call for me in a way. It is now time for me to start to mentally prepare myself to go back to work. I've been receiving emails and text messages from Homeland for some time now, but the start of filming makes the looming date of me returning back to work more real. I would like to stay forever in my la la land of limbo where I can walk around in a haze and it be okay that I'm broken. Going back to work means I have to put on a facade that I'm healed and everything is okay - when, in fact, everything is never going to be okay again. There will surely be many sunny days ahead in my life, but underneath the surface of all of them will be a storm brewing. Hopefully, most days the rain won't come and the thunder will be kept inside so that nobody else is even aware of the turmoil inside me.

A Dog's Sense

Every now and then I hear my cattle dog JoJo's paws tap tap tapping down our hardwood hall past my office where she peeps in before continuing down to the nursery. The tapping usually pauses a minute or two before turning around and tapping back my way where she settles in under my desk. Of our two dogs, Buster is the loner. JoJo, however, wants to be near either myself or Marshall at all times. While Buster will put himself to bed, leaving us all in the living room to stay up into the wee hours of the morning, JoJo toughs it out. She patiently waits in the living room, napping on the rug or her doggie air bed until she hears us say those four precious words - "let's go night night." Knowing this about JoJo, I was surprised today to hear her usual tapping go past my office to the nursery and stop. I waited to hear the tapping come back my way, but it never did. After some time had passed and I realized JoJo never came back to the office, I decided to go investigate - camera in hand. As I slyly crept to the nursery and peeped in, I saw her. There in the middle of the room sat JoJo. She sat off kilter, in a rather lackadaisical manner and appeared to be staring at something mid air. Her back was to the crib so that she faced an intruder that might enter the room and yet she did not immediately notice me. After I quietly snapped a picture or two of her, I called her name and she quickly turned her gaze to me but still did not budge. Instead, she simply settled down as if to once again patiently wait and made herself comfortable on the rug.

Now I've always been one to believe in angels as I've collected angel figurines my whole life, but I never felt so sure of one's presence as I did today. Some people say animals can see things that humans sometimes can't and they certainly have a sixth sense about them that most of us never will. I truly believe JoJo wasn't just mindlessly staring off into space but that she saw something - something I didn't. Something that was so intriguing to her that it made her want to not just pause in the room, but stay. JoJo, who always likes to be in the presence of others, was indeed in the presence of another. I would like to think that other presence was Nolan, but it could have been many other angels that I've loved and have long ago lost. Being that the presence was in the nursery that was to have been Nolan's is simply the only reason why I feel it must have been him.

So, I decided I would stay awhile with JoJo and write in my journal to Nolan which I keep in the drawer of his nightstand. I rocked and wrote and JoJo just watched me. After awhile, Marshall joined us and we just hung out in the room for a bit. Sensing our intent to stay in the nursery, JoJo excused herself just long enough to fetch her new hippo toy and return with it. For the first time ever we played in the nursery. It wasn't with our baby as we thought it would be, but instead was with our other "baby" - JoJo. She would alternate bringing first me then Marshall her hippo and we would throw it to her. I think often people underestimate the wisdom of dogs and what we can learn from them. Our dogs have been just as instrumental in our healing process as our friends and family.

Marshall and I decided that for Mother's Day we were going to get both of our mom's something to remember their grandson by. We figured it would be a pendant of some sort with his name and birthdate on it. So we went to the mall in search of something and ended up finding the most perfect gift. And while we were there, Marshall found himself some dog tags that he had engraved with Nolan's name and birthdate and the inscription, "Until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of his hand." At the same store we even found a thermos for our friend Jamie. We took a picture and sent it to his wife Tina telling her she could get it for him and she wouldn't even have to worry about engraving it - it was already done for her!

And so began our adventures at the Independence Mall. Before we had even left the store, we ran into our friend Stacey. Since we had time to kill while the engraving was done, we decided to go shoe shopping with Stacey. I don't believe any 3 people ever had so much fun shoe shopping and I'm pretty sure we were the highlight of the salesman's day. We probably spent over an hour at the Shoe Department trying on some great and some not so great shoes. Marshall was quick to point out when Stacey had picked up a pair of some not so great shoes. We laughed and laughed and we eventually bought some shoes - 6 pairs to be precise! Three pairs for me and three pairs for Stacey! For all the fun we had, it was well worth the money!

To make the day even better, Marshall and I spent the evening with our favorite Wednesday night crowd and yet another dog - Sailor. Now Sailor is Susan's black labrador retriever. But Sailor is a retriever that doesn't retriever and doesn't swim. Susan jokes that he's broken. Nevertheless, Susan decided we all needed a good laugh, so she's entered Sailor in a dog dock diving contest. Yep, that's right - not only does Sailor have to jump after a toy into the water, but he also must retrieve the toy and swim to the other side. Have you ever talked about your dog in front of them and they look embarrassed as if they know you are talking about them? Well, Sailor looked mighty embarrassed when everyone was laughing about Sailor's odds of surviving the dock diving contest. So, after dinner and American Idol we decided to teach Sailor how to jump towards something. It just so happened that I brought my light up hula hoop. After much prodding and some teaching from Marshall and Dino, Sailor finally mastered jumping through the hoop.


While it was extremely funny watching Sailor being taught how to jump through the hoop, nothing was as funny as watching all of us 30 and 40 somethings try to hula hoop. Boy did we get a good laugh at each other!