Day 5: Empathy

Capture Your Grief Day 5: Empathy

When faced with what to say to the bereaved, I find people turn to the old standbys, "everything happens for a reason," "God has a plan," or "this too shall pass." Or some, knowing these things sound utterly stupid to someone struggling to deal with grief, just choose to not say anything at all. Then there's the friends who turn to you and say, "I'm so very sorry I don't know what else to say." I know, I had a bit of it all. So what should you do or say when your friend, family member or coworker has a child pass away? If you haven't also experienced this type of loss, please don't tell us you know what we must be going through. You don't and I pray you never do. I have buried friends and very close family members (all of my grandparents being deceased), I even buried a very special aunt but none of these compared to the tremendous feeling of helplessness I experienced when our son Nolan passed away. 

When I was in high school my five year old cousin passed away from drowning and I remember how deeply hurt, shocked and confused I was that this could happen to an innocent child. I grieved along with my family members. I saw it destroy his parents' marriage, deeply affect his twin sister and profoundly change the way many of my family members looked at the world. But to say I understood what his parents were going through would be a complete lie. Even today I cannot understand. You see, I lost my son as a newborn. They lost their five year old. Yes the loss is similar, but different. I can empathize and I have a new profound understanding for the highs and lows they went through and are still going through, but our stories are different. 

The first thing my husband said to me when he arrived at the hospital early that morning was, "I don't blame you." He would tell me this time and time again, knowing that I still blamed myself. It's hard not to. Knowing you were the one that was carrying the baby and was supposed to be protecting him, it's hard to come to terms with the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome.

Perhaps the thing I liked to hear the least was "everything happens for a reason." I just can't believe that there is ever a good reason for the death of an innocent child. In fact, I don't imagine anyone wants to try to imagine the reason their loved one died, especially when it was sudden and unexpected. If you don't know what to say, the best advice I can give you is to be honest. I had friends tell me they had no words but were so sorry for me and I appreciated it. I knew they cared. I knew they realized the importance of my child's life. To not say anything begins to negate the child's life as if because you didn't see him, he didn't exist. In my Mommy of Angels group, this is often the biggest complaint. We all want to know that the world, our family and our friends all acknowledged our children. I want my friends to know I'm a Mommy of two boys, even though they only see me with one. 

We did receive a lot of very thoughtful gifts and messages but perhaps the most thoughtful one I received was the one that was probably from the person it was hardest for me to see. You see one of my very best friends was also pregnant when I had Nolan. She struggled with even coming to the hospital as she didn't want to hurt me any more than I was already hurting. I know this because she messaged my husband about it. She finally decided to come anyway, swollen belly and all. I knew it took a lot of courage for her to show up there and I appreciated it. I knew most women would have shied away from me and maybe would have dissolved the friendship over this, for in fact some did. But not her.

A couple of months later I returned to work out of town and after being in my work apartment for a few weeks I received a care package. It was from my pregnant friend. In it contained a beautiful letter, some fun things to make me laugh like crazy socks and hair ties to work out in, a purple cuddly blanket (she knew to be my favorite color), some awesome smelling candles (because I always stole her candles at our Christmas gift exchange), and a beautiful nightlight to represent Nolan. She knew I had gotten a nightlight for his nursery at home so she thought I might need one to remind me of him while I was gone. It was so very touching and the most perfect thing. She followed it up by sending my husband a Father's Day card that summer. 

Not many people acknowledged us as parents that year, but she did. And when her daughter Harper was born 5 months after Nolan passed, she was the first baby I held after him. I wouldn't hold another baby until Ronan was born 7 months later. I have a lot of great friends and family that did tremendous things for us after Nolan passed, but none made quite the impact. Although it was often hard that first few months to be around her and her baby, I did it, knowing that our friendship meant too much to me to not be there. I'm glad she felt the same way.  Today our children play together and I hope that they grow up to understand the importance of friendship and maintaining it even when the days aren't sunny and bright.