Day 1: Sunrise

Capture Your Grief Day 1: Sunrise

Cloudy, rainy days have a tendency to make even the happiest person depressed. After a while the lack of sunshine and Vitamin D takes its toll on your body and mind. I remember in the days following the death of my son Nolan I felt I was enveloped in a cloud of haze; there was no light shining any where, no warmth radiating throughout my body. I was nothing but a heavy storm cloud on the brink of opening up and spewing forth all the anger and coldness inside me. Instead I walked around for days, weeks, months like a storm cloud twirling off the coast gaining strength to become a category 5 hurricane. And then the sun came out and broke through the cloudiness inside me. 

I was having another baby. For 9 overcast months I wrestled the darkness inside me, clinging to the hope that this time would be different, that this time my baby would be born healthy. Every day that passes didn't bring relief, it brought more angst and anxiety. 

It wasn't until I was on the operating table and heard my rainbow baby cry for the first time that the storm cloud inside me broke open. I cried all the tears that the past year had been gathering up inside me. I cried for my dead son Nolan, and I cried for my healthy son Ronan. I finally felt as though Nolan's death had a greater purpose - it brought us Ronan. I knew in the depths of my soul we would have never had Ronan had Nolan been born alive. My rainbow baby was here and he was truly the light after the storm.