Every Oct 15th we join so many others out there in lighting a candle for our sweet angel Nolan and all other babies that left this world far too soon. I'm so grateful that Marshall and I have been surrounded with such a great community of people that have supported us through our pain and continue to understand that grief is a day to day struggle. It didn't end when we had our second son. It didn't end after a year had passed. It never ends, it just becomes more bearable. We are so blessed to be surrounded by people that understand that. I still struggle to talk about Nolan to strangers that weren't around at the time of his death, but it is mostly due to my worry that it will make them uncomfortable.
Today I overheard a conversation on set as the director debated over urns for a baby and I wanted to chime in and tell him that even the small one was a bit ridiculous in size but instead I bit my tongue. I remember shopping for Nolan's urn only a mere 3 days after I had learned that my baby had died. The choices they showed us were small, colorful decorative urns in the shapes of shells, hearts, and butterflies, not cold metal urns. We chose a white seashell that fits in the palm of my hand. The funeral home told us there was barely enough ashes to split up between the urn and leaving us a few to spread. I never thought about it before, but a 5lb 6oz baby doesn't equate to very many ashes.
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