Sunny Days

After a few days of gloom and a day of constant rain, I was so thankful to see the sun again today. I am one of those people who's mood is directly affected by the weather - or at least weather that lingers for more than a day. For this reason, I would never be able to live in Seattle, WA. Now while I'm sure it is beautiful there and I would love to visit I simply could not live somewhere where it rains 150 days out of the year, is cloudy 201 days out of the year and partly cloudy an additional 93 days. Okay, so no, Seattle is not actually the wettest city in the US but one could argue that it certainly is the most gloomy. I personally would be beyond depressed if I lived somewhere where the sunny days were few and far between. My body requires the natural Vitamin D the sun gives me and no amount of supplement will make up for the loss of natural sunlight. Yesterday I did what most people wish they could do on rainy days - I lounged on the couch and watched TV all day. I did finally manage at 4pm to get dressed and go to Zumba and then over to a friend's for dinner, but otherwise my day was just like the weather outside - a complete wash! Needless to say, today when I awoke and it was sunny I felt reenergized and couldn't wait to get outside. The added boost got me to not one, but two Zumba classes. While invigorating, they were inside so I still had to find some things to do to enjoy the sunny day. I was so hard up for things to do that not only did I wash and flush the boat but I washed the dog! Fortunately, Sally and Stacey saved me from finding any more outrageous chores and came over for some Hula Hooping.

I won't say I feel as though I get a good workout from Hula Hooping, but I most certainly get a good laugh. Now that I have finally mastered keeping the Hula Hoop up, I have moved on to trying a trick or two. Mostly just trying to move the Hula Hoop from above my head to down onto my waist. More times than naught I simply end up throwing the Hula Hoop across the yard in the direction of Stacey. She claims she is going to start wearing a helmet when hooping with me. While we Hula Hoop, I usually bring out our wireless outdoor speaker so we can have some inspiring tunes to hoop too. Tonight I piped in the Pandora "Club/Dance" station from the computer for our listening pleasure. It seemed as though every song that came on was from the playlist of my various Zumba instructors and it made me want to start Zumba in the front yard instead of hooping. I truly hope Zumba sticks around for awhile because I am certainly enjoying it.

All in all today was a really great day. Staying physically busy keeps my mind busy too and doesn't allow for much wallowing in my sorrows. Today the show I work on started filming. I felt a little as though I should have been there, but I also realized I was definitely not prepared to be on a film set yet. My mind still wanders easily, especially when given some down time and we all know there can be plenty of that on a film set!

Still, I felt a bit lost today as I felt a bit like life was continuing on without me. That probably doesn't make much sense but up until now I've been off work, but would have been off regardless. I had always planned on not working between seasons on Homeland and only took the job on The Occult because it was filming at home. Now Homeland is back up and filming without me and I feel a bit as if I'm standing still while the world is continuing to orbit around me. It was very perceptive of Marshall to ask me when I mentioned to him that Homeland started filming today if I felt like I should be there. In a way I guess I do, but at the same time I know I'm not ready to be there. I'm anxious to see everyone but I'm not ready to leave the comfort of my home and my friends. Although I don't go in there everyday, it's comforting knowing I can go into the nursery whenever I want and allow myself to grieve Nolan in there. In the nursery is where I keep my journal to Nolan and it is where I write my letters to him. When I leave to work on Homeland I will no longer have that comfort. It will be a hard transition for me, but also one I know I have to make. Homeland starting to film has been a wake up call for me in a way. It is now time for me to start to mentally prepare myself to go back to work. I've been receiving emails and text messages from Homeland for some time now, but the start of filming makes the looming date of me returning back to work more real. I would like to stay forever in my la la land of limbo where I can walk around in a haze and it be okay that I'm broken. Going back to work means I have to put on a facade that I'm healed and everything is okay - when, in fact, everything is never going to be okay again. There will surely be many sunny days ahead in my life, but underneath the surface of all of them will be a storm brewing. Hopefully, most days the rain won't come and the thunder will be kept inside so that nobody else is even aware of the turmoil inside me.