6 weeks

Today was my 6 week post delivery check up with my doctor. The good news - I've healed great physically. According to my doctor my healing is more like someone 8-9 weeks post delivery not 6. She also told me I'm free to resume any and all activity. I had been sort of worried about asking my doctor about when we could try to get pregnant again. Not because I was worried about the answer but in some way I felt as though maybe she wouldn't approve of us trying to have another baby so quickly. Surprisingly, she had no opposition to it what so ever. She said she completely understood our need to have a baby now more than ever. We aren't under any delusions that another baby will take the place of Nolan or even take away the pain over the loss of him, but we have no other children. We got pregnant with Nolan in the first place not out of a mistake but out of a planned attempt to have children.

It's part of what makes Nolan's death so frustrating and makes me angry. So many people get pregnant that don't want the baby or are drug addicts or are having the baby for the wrong reason and they have totally healthy babies. And here we are trying as a loving married couple to have a baby to raise and love and our baby dies for no apparent reason whatsoever. I have a few friends that have either recently had a baby or are expecting a baby and I have no ill will towards any of them.  All of them are loving parents that wanted their baby and will raise their baby with love. It's the people out there that have babies in order to fix a marriage, or accidentally got pregnant, or are total screw ups and are totally not taking care of themselves and their baby that make me so angry at my situation. It just doesn't seem fair to me that their baby lives and ours doesn't. I would never wish our situation on anyone, I just wish my situation wasn't what it is. I want a healthy baby like all those people. That's all I ever wanted. I didn't care whether I was having a boy or a girl, I just prayed that the baby was healthy and I did everything I could to ensure he was. I didn't drink a drop even while we were trying to conceive, I didn't have any caffeine or any other foods that the doctors recommend you don't eat.

Today I spent some time alone after my doctor's appointment and I started stewing in my sorrow. I finally decided to get out of the house and go to Zumba and hopefully work off some baby weight and sweat out some of my frustration. It was the first Zumba class that I have ever went to and I loved it! I danced ballet when I was younger so I've always enjoyed dance of all types so this type of workout was perfect for me. I can't wait to go back to class tomorrow. I felt refreshed after my class as if I sweated out all the toxic thoughts that had previously been invading my body. When I got home, I saw this post from a friend of mine that works on the TV show with Marshall. She had wrote a beautiful note and attached this picture with the inscription, "There are some who bring a light so great to the world that even after they have gone, the light remains." This post warmed my heart. Nolan was indeed a light so bright that it is still burning even now for all to see. Ironically, ever since Nolan's passing Marshall and I have left a light burning in the nursery every night. It didn't start out intentionally, but I think now we both intentionally leave it on at night. It's usually just the small nightlight that's left to burn all night but it's a small reminder of Nolan's presence in our hearts and in our lives forever.