I've been putting off for some time shopping for my friend Tina's baby shower. Throughout my pregnancy Tina and I had been so excited to be pregnant together and were so looking forward to getting the babies together and sharing in all the excitement of new motherhood together. Unfortunately, my baby died and hers is still alive. Tina is having a little girl that she plans on naming Harper. Harper is due to enter this world Aug 6th so in just 2 weeks there is a baby shower for Tina to celebrate. Knowing my husband would be coming home this weekend and would have absolutely no desire to go shopping for someone else's baby, I decided I needed to just go do it. So, I did.
At first I had a hard time because I was still drawn to little boy clothes and kept thinking, "oh Marshall would love for Nolan to wear this." I had to keep reminding myself that Nolan would never wear any of these things or any of the many, many clothes we have in the dresser at home. I had Tina's registry printed off and kept trying to read it and pick something out but the words on the paper might as well have been Chinese to me. I couldn't make sense of any of it. I simply found myself pushing a cart aimlessly around the baby section without really looking at anything. Finally, I just decided to head to the girls' section and try my luck looking at little girl clothes. I found it was much easier to pick out really girly clothes as they were so far removed from anything I would have bought for Nolan. So I delved into finding cute outfits that were as pink and frilly as possible. Oh don't worry, they are cute, but they are also about as girly as they come. It was the only way I could find some enjoyment in shopping for Tina's baby.
I so wanted to be happy for Tina and I am, but at the same time I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that we won't get to share in all the things we were so looking forward to doing together with our new babies. For Tina, she has other friends and her sister-in-law who are expecting around the same time as she is so she will find someone else to do all those things with. For me, I will just be here by myself without a child. Perhaps one day soon I will have another child but then I will miss out on some of those things that come with having a friend that's having a baby the same time you are. It's not just Nolan that we are missing but all that came with having a baby to raise. While I was able to experience all that went with being pregnant, I was not able to experience all that went with giving birth and having a baby. Marshall and I were robbed of those experiences.
It is probably for this reason that I'm drawn to hang out almost solely with my friends that do not have any children. With them comes no reminder of all that we are missing out on. They represent what we were before Nolan - just people that one day may or may not become parents. Sure we became parents, but we still relate more to our non parent friends for we never had an opportunity to raise Nolan. This week I get the honor of hanging out with these friends not once but three times! Since tonight was at my house for the American Idol finale, I did invite Tina over. She is still one of my best friends and while I don't see her as much as I usually do I still want to spend time with her. I've probably been avoiding her more out of my inability to be overly happy and excited about her pregnancy than anything. She deserves to be happy and excited and I don't want to be that person that takes away from her happiness. I haven't been asking her about her pregnancy and she hasn't been offering it up. I think we both don't really know how to handle one another now. Neither of us knows what to say to the other that won't cause any hurt. I'm really not sure what the answer is. Sometimes when I look at her pregnant belly I just wish I was still pregnant and Nolan was still safely in me and alive. I know eventually I will get over it and eventually Harper will be born. I'm excited to meet her and I will be happy to do so but for now I tread hesitantly when around Tina. I hope to be able to find the courage and strength to go to her baby shower but I also don't want to be the elephant in the room that keeps others from saying things or having the fun that should be had at such a joyous occasion.
Marshall has found at work that he is sometimes that elephant in the room. People will begin to say things and cut up the way they normally would until they realize Marshall is there. They are immediately aware of themselves and stop their fun in mid stream in order to not say something that will cause more pain to Marshall. I wonder at what point we will stop being those people? The ones that people tippy toe around - the Elephants in the room.
At first I had a hard time because I was still drawn to little boy clothes and kept thinking, "oh Marshall would love for Nolan to wear this." I had to keep reminding myself that Nolan would never wear any of these things or any of the many, many clothes we have in the dresser at home. I had Tina's registry printed off and kept trying to read it and pick something out but the words on the paper might as well have been Chinese to me. I couldn't make sense of any of it. I simply found myself pushing a cart aimlessly around the baby section without really looking at anything. Finally, I just decided to head to the girls' section and try my luck looking at little girl clothes. I found it was much easier to pick out really girly clothes as they were so far removed from anything I would have bought for Nolan. So I delved into finding cute outfits that were as pink and frilly as possible. Oh don't worry, they are cute, but they are also about as girly as they come. It was the only way I could find some enjoyment in shopping for Tina's baby.
I so wanted to be happy for Tina and I am, but at the same time I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that we won't get to share in all the things we were so looking forward to doing together with our new babies. For Tina, she has other friends and her sister-in-law who are expecting around the same time as she is so she will find someone else to do all those things with. For me, I will just be here by myself without a child. Perhaps one day soon I will have another child but then I will miss out on some of those things that come with having a friend that's having a baby the same time you are. It's not just Nolan that we are missing but all that came with having a baby to raise. While I was able to experience all that went with being pregnant, I was not able to experience all that went with giving birth and having a baby. Marshall and I were robbed of those experiences.
It is probably for this reason that I'm drawn to hang out almost solely with my friends that do not have any children. With them comes no reminder of all that we are missing out on. They represent what we were before Nolan - just people that one day may or may not become parents. Sure we became parents, but we still relate more to our non parent friends for we never had an opportunity to raise Nolan. This week I get the honor of hanging out with these friends not once but three times! Since tonight was at my house for the American Idol finale, I did invite Tina over. She is still one of my best friends and while I don't see her as much as I usually do I still want to spend time with her. I've probably been avoiding her more out of my inability to be overly happy and excited about her pregnancy than anything. She deserves to be happy and excited and I don't want to be that person that takes away from her happiness. I haven't been asking her about her pregnancy and she hasn't been offering it up. I think we both don't really know how to handle one another now. Neither of us knows what to say to the other that won't cause any hurt. I'm really not sure what the answer is. Sometimes when I look at her pregnant belly I just wish I was still pregnant and Nolan was still safely in me and alive. I know eventually I will get over it and eventually Harper will be born. I'm excited to meet her and I will be happy to do so but for now I tread hesitantly when around Tina. I hope to be able to find the courage and strength to go to her baby shower but I also don't want to be the elephant in the room that keeps others from saying things or having the fun that should be had at such a joyous occasion.
Marshall has found at work that he is sometimes that elephant in the room. People will begin to say things and cut up the way they normally would until they realize Marshall is there. They are immediately aware of themselves and stop their fun in mid stream in order to not say something that will cause more pain to Marshall. I wonder at what point we will stop being those people? The ones that people tippy toe around - the Elephants in the room.
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