Birthday Blues

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 34 years old. If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I would be today, this wouldn't be it. I had imagined I would have had kids by now and I had hoped things would be a bit different career wise. And I certainly never imagined I would be celebrating my first birthday without my son. You would think my birthday wouldn't be that big of a deal, but with everything that's been going on lately it just makes me sad to think I should have a 6 month old right now to celebrate this birthday with. Instead, I'm yet again pregnant for the 3rd time and desperately hoping that this time ends with a healthy baby for me to take home.

But that's not all that makes this birthday a bit bittersweet. Thanks to the election and my Dad's oversensitivity these days to any comments I make regarding my family, he's decided to not talk to me. I'm not one of those overly political people. I don't usually post things on Facebook regarding politics or my views and certainly not much regarding the election. But, when North Carolina elected a governor that has publicly admitted he does not support the film incentive, I couldn't contain myself. In fact, my Facebook newsfeed was blowing up with comments from all my NC film friends and their disbelief and regret that Pat McCrory was the governor elect. So I posted a note saying that to all the NC people who voted him in I hope they are happy when I and hundreds of other NC residents have to leave the state to find work because our governor has demolished the NC film incentive. And that if any of the people that happen to have voted for him are related to me I'm going to disown them for either not supporting someone who supports my livelihood or just not caring to take the time to educate themselves on the fact that McCrory didn't. Later I received a text from my Dad saying since he wasn't a Davis, or Eason or Marriner that Facebook comment was obviously meant for him and goodbye. I told him he was being ridiculous as I don't know who any of my family voted for and my point to all of them who say they love the shows I work on and always want to come by set was that if you did vote for McCrory perhaps next time you should better educate yourself on who supports the film incentive and wants to see these shows stay in NC. I never heard any more from my Dad. Still to this day I haven't heard anything from him and I doubt I will hear anything on my birthday either.

I feel like this birthday is just going to be passed over like any other day. I know my husband has been too busy to do anything for it. There will be no candles to blow out tomorrow. No presents to open and no cards to read. It might as well be a day like any other. I'm sure I will get a few text messages and probably some comments on my Facebook wall, but that will be the extend of my birthday celebration. I guess I had just hoped that with all that had happened this year, my birthday would be one cause for celebration. I had hoped that my family would at least want to give me one day where I could be blissfully happy for the entire (or at least 99% of the day). Oh well. Maybe next year.

Today's weather didn't help my mood and my depression about the lack of preparation and excitement about my birthday. It was cold and rainy and gloomy all day. Yesterday, Marshall had told me he was going to go birthday shopping for me today. Same thing he said a few days ago too. I guess he just has other priorities right now and me and my birthday is not one of them. Needless to say, he never went shopping today. Instead we went to Kickback Jack's to meet some friends and watch the Panther game. Stacey and Brian were there along with a few other guy friends of theirs that we've met a time or two at football Sunday's. We watched the first half there while we ate lunch, then returned home to watch the remainder of the game. At least that was fun as it always it hanging out with them. Sadly, the Panthers lost yet again in overtime. Boy do they suck this year! I had had such high hopes for them this year and they have not lived up to any of them.

The evening was somewhat better when my Mom and Billy showed up bearing gifts! You can always count on your Mom to remember your birthday. In fact, you can always count on your Mom for just about everything. At least in my family the Matriarchs tend to be the glue that sticks everything together. When I was young it was my Nana (my Mom's Mom). She was always the reason the entire family got together for holidays and she always remembered everyone's birthdays and made each one of her grandchildren feel special. In fact, I bet if you were to ask her grandchildren who was Nana's favorite, every single one of us would say, "I was." That's just how Nana made you feel. She had that way about her. When she passed my Mom and my Aunt Jo tried to keep up the tradition of getting everyone together for the holidays. It became harder and harder as people moved away and the grandchildren got older. But, most of us still get together every Christmas at my Aunt Jo's for some fun and games and good times with the family. I guess because I was so used to this with my family, I assumed Marshall's family would be the same. But this will be the second Christmas that we won't see any of his family. In fact we haven't seen our two youngest nieces in two years now. I hate it and I wish it was different but I don't know that I'm the one that can get that to change. I just keep suggesting and dropping comments and hoping one year his parents will just tell everyone they would like everyone to be at their house for some point during the holidays. The day after, the weekend after, whatever. Just something. Maybe everyone would show up, maybe not. I would like for my kids to know their cousins on their Dad's side but with things going the way they are I don't know how on earth that will ever be possible. They will know their cousins on my side though for sure because my family makes a point to get together and we do it more than once a year too. I just feel like family on both sides are equally important and I wish there was something we could do about the lack of seeing Marshall's family. Hopefully, one day in the very near future that will all change.

My Mom, Billy, Marshall and I went out to dinner at K-38 at Porter's Neck after I opened my presents. It was a great dinner and a nice early celebration to my birthday. Probably the only celebration, so I enjoyed every moment of it. I got another new maternity shirt and more importantly a new purse! Yep, I've become that girl that loves purses. I love shoes too, I just don't have that much room for them so I'm more picky about my shoes. Purses, however, I feel as though I need a new one every 6 months or so. Or rather a new one for every season. They somehow seem to get bigger and bigger every time too. Mom gave me a new purple one! My favorite color. It's going to be a great bag to have in NY and it such soft leather. I absolutely love it! Tomorrow might be insignificant as birthdays go, but at least today was fun.