Sunny Days

After a few days of gloom and a day of constant rain, I was so thankful to see the sun again today. I am one of those people who's mood is directly affected by the weather - or at least weather that lingers for more than a day. For this reason, I would never be able to live in Seattle, WA. Now while I'm sure it is beautiful there and I would love to visit I simply could not live somewhere where it rains 150 days out of the year, is cloudy 201 days out of the year and partly cloudy an additional 93 days. Okay, so no, Seattle is not actually the wettest city in the US but one could argue that it certainly is the most gloomy. I personally would be beyond depressed if I lived somewhere where the sunny days were few and far between. My body requires the natural Vitamin D the sun gives me and no amount of supplement will make up for the loss of natural sunlight. Yesterday I did what most people wish they could do on rainy days - I lounged on the couch and watched TV all day. I did finally manage at 4pm to get dressed and go to Zumba and then over to a friend's for dinner, but otherwise my day was just like the weather outside - a complete wash! Needless to say, today when I awoke and it was sunny I felt reenergized and couldn't wait to get outside. The added boost got me to not one, but two Zumba classes. While invigorating, they were inside so I still had to find some things to do to enjoy the sunny day. I was so hard up for things to do that not only did I wash and flush the boat but I washed the dog! Fortunately, Sally and Stacey saved me from finding any more outrageous chores and came over for some Hula Hooping.

I won't say I feel as though I get a good workout from Hula Hooping, but I most certainly get a good laugh. Now that I have finally mastered keeping the Hula Hoop up, I have moved on to trying a trick or two. Mostly just trying to move the Hula Hoop from above my head to down onto my waist. More times than naught I simply end up throwing the Hula Hoop across the yard in the direction of Stacey. She claims she is going to start wearing a helmet when hooping with me. While we Hula Hoop, I usually bring out our wireless outdoor speaker so we can have some inspiring tunes to hoop too. Tonight I piped in the Pandora "Club/Dance" station from the computer for our listening pleasure. It seemed as though every song that came on was from the playlist of my various Zumba instructors and it made me want to start Zumba in the front yard instead of hooping. I truly hope Zumba sticks around for awhile because I am certainly enjoying it.

All in all today was a really great day. Staying physically busy keeps my mind busy too and doesn't allow for much wallowing in my sorrows. Today the show I work on started filming. I felt a little as though I should have been there, but I also realized I was definitely not prepared to be on a film set yet. My mind still wanders easily, especially when given some down time and we all know there can be plenty of that on a film set!

Still, I felt a bit lost today as I felt a bit like life was continuing on without me. That probably doesn't make much sense but up until now I've been off work, but would have been off regardless. I had always planned on not working between seasons on Homeland and only took the job on The Occult because it was filming at home. Now Homeland is back up and filming without me and I feel a bit as if I'm standing still while the world is continuing to orbit around me. It was very perceptive of Marshall to ask me when I mentioned to him that Homeland started filming today if I felt like I should be there. In a way I guess I do, but at the same time I know I'm not ready to be there. I'm anxious to see everyone but I'm not ready to leave the comfort of my home and my friends. Although I don't go in there everyday, it's comforting knowing I can go into the nursery whenever I want and allow myself to grieve Nolan in there. In the nursery is where I keep my journal to Nolan and it is where I write my letters to him. When I leave to work on Homeland I will no longer have that comfort. It will be a hard transition for me, but also one I know I have to make. Homeland starting to film has been a wake up call for me in a way. It is now time for me to start to mentally prepare myself to go back to work. I've been receiving emails and text messages from Homeland for some time now, but the start of filming makes the looming date of me returning back to work more real. I would like to stay forever in my la la land of limbo where I can walk around in a haze and it be okay that I'm broken. Going back to work means I have to put on a facade that I'm healed and everything is okay - when, in fact, everything is never going to be okay again. There will surely be many sunny days ahead in my life, but underneath the surface of all of them will be a storm brewing. Hopefully, most days the rain won't come and the thunder will be kept inside so that nobody else is even aware of the turmoil inside me.

Baby Mine

I think most all women have that one movie that they watch whenever they want a good cry. Well, mine is Beaches. To me, it is the saddest movie ever made yet I continue to watch it over and over again. I don't know whether it is the story or the music that gets to me the most but no matter how many times I see it, I cry. For me, the songs that make up the soundtrack of Beaches have even a deeper meaning than the movie itself.

When I was 12 years old, my Nana passed away (my mother's mother). She died in the hospital from colon cancer. My mom and her sister sat by her side the whole time. My uncles and grandfather could not stand to be there and watch her die and eventually left the room. My mom sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" to Nana while she held her hand. Nana loved to hear my mom sing and I'm sure it was comfort to her at the time. It was also the last song she would ever hear my Mom sing. But, I also know my mother would never be able to hear that song again and not think of Nana. Songs are funny like that. Truly powerful songs have a way of bringing you back to a time and a place just as they can also help you to heal. The same year that my Nana passed away, I danced in my school talent show to "Wind Beneath My Wings." My mom said she cried the whole performance. Without a doubt, I know it was the song that brought tears to my mother's eyes, not my dance.

Today while doing some work in the office, I had iTunes on randomly playing songs of its own choosing. JoJo was keeping me company by napping in the middle of the office floor. After a few hours of me working and JoJo napping, iTunes picked a Bette Midler song to play - "Baby Mine." As I listened to the words, thinking of Nolan something amazing happened. JoJo got up and left the room, walking towards the nursery. I waited a few minutes and then followed her. And there she was, laying at the threshold to the nursery. She normally lays in thresholds only when there are multiple people in the house. I think it is her way of being able to keep tabs on everyone in the house. When Marshall is home and in the living room and I'm in the office, JoJo lays in the threshold to the office. When I'm home alone and in the office she lays in the middle of the floor or under my desk. If one of us is in the bedroom and the other in the living room, she lays in the threshold to the bedroom. I found it truly amazing that during a song that brought Nolan to my mind, it also brought him to hers. Maybe his spirit lingers in the nursery and maybe dogs really do have a deeper, more spiritual understanding of things than we could have ever imagined. I don't know the answer, but what I do know is that I was not the only one to think of him at that moment. I also know that Nolan wasn't just mine and Marshall's baby. JoJo also thought he belonged to her and had he lived she would have been so protective over him. She probably would have spent more nights sleeping in the nursery with him than in our room with us. "Baby Mine" is just as much a lullaby from me to Nolan as it is from JoJo to Nolan. Marshall and I often imagined how she would be with him. He probably would have rolled his cars all over her and she would have loved it. She would have been like the tree in Shel Silverstein's book "The Giving Tree." JoJo would have given everything she had for Nolan, even when she had nothing left to give.

For More Information on STILLBIRTH

String Test

My family are believers in all things supernatural and other worldly - God, angels, spirits, ghosts. When I was a child my father worked in an office that was over 100 years old and once was a Pre Civil War farm house in Chantily, VA. Often my Dad would go in being the last to leave the night before and the first to arrive in the morning and the furniture would have been rearranged into a semi circle. Sometimes doors that were closed would be open the next morning, or vise versa. The attic was on the same floor with some of the offices and you could hear rattling in the attic but walk in there and nothing was there. My Dad said he could be sitting at his desk and feel his presence. After my Dad had been working there for some time, the spirit would move things on my Dad's desk and when my Dad asked him to move them back the spirit would respond. My Dad finally decided the spirit was that of a confederate soldier, which would explain the rattling sound when he moved - his equipment moving around on his body. He was a friendly enough spirit and not one that did any harm. He seemed more playful than anything. I was in elementary school when my Dad worked there and every time I came to his office I hoped that I would see or hear the spirit. Regretfully, I never did.

When I was 12 and my Nana passed away, I remember looking up to the sky on the day of her funeral and seeing in the clouds a stairway up into the Heavens. I stared at it for some time fascinated and finally determined it was a stairway for my Nana so that she could make her way to Heaven. Then I turned 14 and my 5 year old cousin Christopher passed away. On the day of his funeral I felt foolish looking up to the Heaven expecting to see a stairway, but alas there it was. Amazed that this happened twice I stared at it making sure I wasn't seeing something that wasn't there. But, indeed clear as day was a staircase in the clouds so that Christopher could make his way up there. It became a ritual for me whenever anyone close to me passed away and every time I saw it. The next staircase was for my Grandfather and the one after that my Aunt Fran. I was somewhat disappointed when at Nolan's memorial service there was no staircase. I thought, well how is he supposed to get to Heaven then? But then I remembered something - Nolan was only a baby, he couldn't walk. A staircase would be of no use to him. On the contrary, that day the clouds were like a thick blanket, one that could easily wrap Nolan in to carry him up to Heaven.

As a believer in angels, ghosts and spirits, I have always tried to be open to feeling their presence in my life. I can say with absolute conviction that I have indeed felt the presence of a spiritual being only once in my life thus far and it was that of my Aunt Fran. It had been weeks after her passing and I was walking from my bedroom to my bathroom when I felt it. Right in the middle of the door jam as though I had just passed through it. It was the most bizarre feeling and it stopped me dead in my tracks. Out of the corner of my I caught a glimpse of an orb. I blinked as it was hazy looking - the hazy clouds you can sometimes see if your eyes are dry or overly wet. I blinked again to clear my eyes, but it was still there. Then in a split second it disappeared. It was the most amazing yet bizarre experience that I had ever had. I never told anyone about it. At the time I felt like if I told someone it would taint the experience or make it seem less real. So I kept the experience to myself.

My strong belief in the supernatural and other worldly is not limited to ghost, spirits and angels. In fact, I am one of those people that believes there is some merit in some, but not all, wives tales. I'm a skeptic at first, like most, but after I see them work over and over again I quickly become a believer. One such wives tale is the string test. I was first introduced to the string test when I was a young girl as my family loved to perform it on any pregnant woman in the family - and it was always right! When I was 12, I had my first string test done on me. By then my family had realized that it worked even if you weren't pregnant. It would show you one by one all the children you were to have. On my mother it showed only one - a girl. On my aunt, three boys. Ever since I was 12 it has always showed the same thing - 2 kids; a boy and then a girl. Just to be safe when I was pregnant with Nolan my mom did the string test once again with the same result - a boy then a girl. Of course, it did indeed appear to be correct as Nolan was a boy. After the string test proved to be right on me, Marshall too became a believer in what my Mom likes to call our hoodoo.

Ever since Nolan's passing I have been wishing that I didn't believe so much in silly things like old wives tales and in particular the string test. I hate the idea that we might never have another son, that Nolan was Marshall's only chance at a little mini me he could dress like him and take surfing and that Nolan was my only chance at having a momma's boy. For once in my life I tried to not believe in the supernatural because the string test simply could not be correct. I need to have another son. So today against my best judgement I decided to do the string test again on myself. I wanted to do it alone so I could be disappointed in the results without anyone around to judge me. So I got out my needle and my string and my pencil (even though my Mom claims you don't need the pencil). It took me some time to steady my hand before I could hold it in the air. I watched with bated breath as the pencil began to swing up and down the length of my arm. Yep, a boy. Nolan. I held my breath as the pencil came to a stop. I knew what it would do next. The same thing it has done for 20 years. Swing back and forth across my arm signifying a girl. Slowly the pencil began to move again and to my surprise it was repeating its previous swing - up and down my arm. Another boy!? That can't be right. I hopefully watched it as it swung strong and true and then stopped. It only swung one more time. Back and forth across my arm. There's my girl. I was truly shocked by the results. That can't be. How is it that now it is going to change it's plan for me. I waited some time and I performed the string test again. This time I used the other arm for added insurance. Sure enough it showed 3 children now where there was previously 2 - boy, boy, girl. What is perhaps even more bizarre is that now the first boy is a very small swing whereas the second one swings fierce and true as does the girl swing.

Call me crazy. Call it hoodoo or voodoo or just plain ludicrous. Call it what you will, but for a mother who has just lost her son it gives me hope. Hope that not only will we be blessed with another chance at having children, but hope that we might one day have another son. Personally, I would love a boy or a girl as long as the baby was healthy and we were blessed with the opportunity to raise him or her. But having the hope that Nolan wasn't our only chance at having a son to raise and watch grow into a man is necessary to help us push through the pain of losing him. Maybe the string test will prove to be wrong, maybe not. It doesn't matter though. For the time being it gives us both the hope we need to move forward and try again.

For More Information on STILLBIRTH

Bloody Mary

It's always a bittersweet end to any long weekend - the thought of going back to work. It is especially difficult when that work takes you away from your home and the ones you love. Such is the case with Marshall right now. Today he had to leave to go back to Charleston, SC to work on Army Wives. In order to not spend the afternoon alone, I headed over to Susan and Stacey's pool to hang out with them and Shea. Sometimes you just need your girl friends and today was one of those days. Thankfully for me, I have amazing girl friends that are always there no matter what. I even had the opportunity to see Shea's mom, sister and nephews for a bit. As with most community pools, there were tons of kids and I worried at first if it was going to bother me. But, a very strong Bloody Mary later and that worry was long gone. Note to self, Stacey makes very strong Bloody Mary's so don't drink them if you are planning on driving anywhere any time soon. Fortunately for me, I was not.










I have never been much of a drinker, mostly because I had very little tolerance for alcohol. A couple of strong drinks in college and I was DRUNK. I do enjoy the occasional buzz but have learned that one glass of wine or one strong Bloody Mary is about my limit. Alcohol can often be a source of solace for people in situations like mine. While my husband doesn't drink at all and I drink very little, it obviously has not been an avenue that either of us have considered. Although, I must admit I have found myself drinking on more occasions than I probably would otherwise even if my drinking is limited to one drink. Alcohol is also something I did not partake in at all while pregnant. I know some people do and some think a glass of wine is okay but I am not one of those people. I believe that if a glass of wine can give me a good buzz, what in the world will it do to my 5lb baby? Since I'm sure Marshall and I will try to have another baby soon, I kind of feel like taking more opportunities to partake in drinking a glass of wine now since I might have to soon give it up again for another 9 months. It's like caffeine in that regard. I have been drinking way more coffee than I ever normally would. I'm a one cup of coffee type of girl, but when I was pregnant I also gave up all caffeine. I occasionally drank a decaf cup of coffee but it just wasn't the same so I eventually said why bother. And so today I not only indulged in a full afternoon of fun, sun, bloody marys and girl time, I capped it off with a cup of coffee. Perhaps that's why I can't seem to go to sleep before 3 am?

For More Information on STILLBIRTH

Building Bridges

Memorial Day weekend for most means cookouts, beer, the beach and friends, but for those with family or friends in the military it means much more. It means remember those that have sacrificed their lives for our country and those that have and are continuing to put their lives at risk for their country. While I myself don't believe in the war and think our troops are better served at home helping the citizens of our own country, I having a father that served in the Vietnam War recognize the service these men and women are doing for our country. It shames me that these people put their lives on the line everyday and are so poorly repaid for their service. So many of these people come out of the service with very little to call their own and our country fails to look after these people. Our government does only slightly better for soldiers today than it did back when my Dad served. It is no wonder so many Vietnam Vets are homeless or sick the way the government and the US citizens failed to take care of them and support them when they returned home. No matter what your beliefs on the military and war are you still should appreciate what these people are doing. If a war did come to the US these would be the people fighting on our behalf and saving our lives. They would risk their lives to save those of people they don't even know. That is something I don't think I could ever do. Sure I would risk my life for my loved ones, but for a total stranger? Probably not.

As I sat on the Intercoastal and had lunch with my husband I watched the Wrightsville Beach bridge go up allowing passage of a big boat. It got me thinking about bridges -  ones that we build, ones that we cross, and ones that are impassable. In war, bridges are highly coveted objects. The side that holds control over a bridge is often at an advantage. However, in life bridges can be the obstacle that holds people together or keeps them apart. Building bridges is often a way to forge friendships with people and move forward in a career. Burning bridges, on the contrary, is a way of dissolving those friendships and work relations. Now I don't know the exact origins of these phrases but it seems to me they could directly be derived from wartime. In order to make allies in war one could have literally helped the other side to build a bridge or conquer a bridge in order to take the advantage in the fight. Conversely, in war if one wanted to keep the other side from passing or wanted to diminish the advantage one simply had to set burn a bridge, thus destroying it and any advantage that came with it.

In dreams bridges symbolise decisions we are finding hard to make. Maybe we are too emotionally involved to decide or we could be coming to an emotional junction and must decide which path to take. I find the bridge today symbolic in my life as it is opening up and allowing others to pass through, I too find myself opening up more and more emotionally and allowing others in to help. Up until recently, I have mostly submerged myself in my writing and refusing to really talk about Nolan. 

But with time more and more people have been reaching out and asking how I'm doing and I've been forced to talk more openly about it. I can't just say "fine" or "I'm okay" because everyone knows this isn't the truth. Now my response is usually, "I'm doing better" or "I'm getting through it." These responses seem more accurate. I'm still here, I'm alive, I wake up every day and I get out of bed, therefore I am getting through it. Bridges are also symbols of compromise, showing that you may be trying to heal some differences. Emotionally I am doing just that - trying to heal and compromise my inner feelings of turmoil with thoughts of healing and moving forward. I feel as though internally I am building lots of tiny bridges to help me move forward in my healing process. Every time I come to an impasse that seems impossible to overcome, I slowly build an emotional bridge that allows me to eventually move forward and continue putting one foot in front of the other. 

I know people that have never experienced a loss as great as losing one's child have no grasp on the healing process and the fact that you don't just get better after a few weeks, months or even years. It is something that you will continue to struggle with the rest of your life. I will never not struggle to get out of bed, to put one foot in front of the other and to continue on living - the struggle will simply get easier with time. There will be days that are more of a struggle than others and I will still be building internal bridges for the rest of my life in order to continue moving forward.

For More Information on STILLBIRTH

Tree of Life

I'm sure everyone knows about the tree of life, but do you know what it really represents? Sure those who know the Bible know that it is the Tree in the Garden of Eden whose fruits impart eternal life, but what about the other meaning? Did you know that it also represents the evolutionary divergence of all living creatures? Then there is also the Celtic meaning of the Tree of Life. The Celts believed the trees of life had many special powers. The Celtic Tree of Life depicts different forces of nature that converge together to create harmony. Celtic people attributed many qualities like wisdom, strength and longevity to the Tree of Life.

Another meaning associated with the Celtic Tree of Life is rebirth. It was believed that the Tree of Life connected the upper and lower words - its roots penetrating into the depths and connecting with the lower world, its branches growing and stretching to the heaven and the trunk remaining in the plane of earth. It was thought that gods in the heaven used the trees to communicate with humans and some of the trees were even capable of carrying messages to the "Otherworld." I found this belief the most interesting today. I'm not sure why exactly, but last week while in Charleston I got it into my head that I wanted a Tree of Life ring. Not being able to find one there, Marshall and I stumbled into T.S. Brown Jewelry Store today in downtown Wilmington. I wasn't in the store two minutes and I had found a Tree of Life ring and purchased it. When I got home I was intrigued to know more about the Tree of Life and its meaning. I wasn't sure exactly why I had been drawn to have one but in reading more I found out why.

The Tree of Life could symbolize a rebirth in me and my way of living after Nolan. Certainly I have forever been changed by his presence in my life and how his death affected me. I don't know that anyone could endure the death of a child and not be profoundly affected by it. As people struggled to help us find a reason for Nolan's death that medicine and science couldn't provide, it was mentioned to me that Nolan was nearly a full term baby at only 34 weeks. Had he lived the extra 6 weeks in utero that most babies live, he would have probably been a very large baby. Being a petite woman it was speculate by some that perhaps Nolan died when he did because if he didn't he would have killed me. It is strange to think that in this day and age women still die by childbirth. It is estimated that about 13 out of 100,000 women die in childbirth. That may seem miniscule compared to the estimated infant mortality of 679 out of 100,000 live births and the estimated 1 in 160 births ending in stillbirth! Nonetheless, I personally know of someone who's wife died during childbirth within the last few years. Maybe my friends' speculation was correct. Maybe had Nolan lived, I would have died. We will never know the answer to that but if that is true than indeed I have been reborn. Nolan gave me life by sacrificing his own.


I do like to also think of the Tree of Life as a way to communicate with the Heavens. By wearing a Tree of Life it allows me the comfort of knowing that Nolan can still be in communication with me and I with him. Marshall long ago got a Tree of Life tattoo on his arm. He got it for its Celtic meaning of harmony and balance in the universe, but I have to wonder if he too has thought that it now has more meaning than he ever anticipated. It is ironic that now three of his tattoos that had perhaps one dimensional meanings for him have now taken on such strong meanings. His Tree of Life that once just represented his Irish background and Buddhist beliefs in being one with nature now can mean his rebirth and his ability to communicate with the Heavens and Nolan. His praying hands that once was also just a Celtic emblem now can represent his angel in Heaven. "Until We Meet Again" are the words Marshall chose to tattoo to remind him of his personal struggle, his time in AA and an Irish Blessing he loves. It is also the line in the blessing we chose to read at Nolan's memorial service and have engraved on Nolan's plaque. For both of us, the Tree of Life has given us a life beyond Nolan's death, a life in which we exist and our little boy doesn't.

To find out more about Stillbirth: March Of Dimes

Life's a Beach

The healing properties of the sea are numerous and well documented throughout history. I for one always feel stronger and more refreshed after a day of beach. Perhaps it is the combination of the healing power of the salt water, the calming nature of the rhythmic waves and the immune boosting power of the sunrays. Today I spent the afternoon at the beach with my Mom. As we soaked in the sun and listened to the waves crashing on the beach, I was at peace. My Mom made the comment that she didn't know what she would do if she lived so far away from the beach that she could just hop in the car and drive there. I know the feeling. If I hadn't been able to feel the sand beneath my toes and chill of the ocean water on my feet, I don't know if I would have been able to come to a place of peace with Nolan's passing as quickly as I did. There's something very zen about the beach.

The beach has also come to represent everything concerning Nolan. It started out as just the theme for Nolan's nursery. Then it became the place where Marshall was going to surf with his little buddy. Then there were the wishing shells at Nolan's baby shower that then became the shells for his memorial service. It seemed only fitting when we picked the angelic white seashell for Nolan's urn and the beach for his memorial service. Then I received a book in the mail from my Aunt Linda. A book to help me through the healing process - My Beautiful Broken Shell. I will never go to the beach again and not see Nolan in the shells and in the waves and feel his presence in the wind. Nolan is everywhere there and so it is healing for me to be there. I dread having to go to Charlotte for work for five months, not because of the work but because I will be so far away from the beach and Nolan. For me going to the beach will always be healing as it will forever be the place I feel closest to Nolan.

Dance Like No One is Watching

When I was younger I was really in to dance. I started taking ballet when I was four and took it until I graduated high school. Ballet, tap, jazz, pointe, lyrical - you name it, I danced it. In high school it seemed as though I danced five days a week on top of cheerleading, swimming and soccer. There is something to be said for keeping your body busy, but dancing always felt freeing in a way no other activity did. I've never been a big club type dancer but I think had I been born during the renaissance era I would have loved all the choreographed dances and balls.

I always wondered in dance class if you were supposed to "dance as if no one was watching" why were there so many damn mirrors! I find the same true for Zumba classes. The only exception to this happens to be the classes that takes place in the gym where there are no mirrors. Not surprisingly these are my favorite classes. Everyone who has ever took any type of dance class I'm sure will agree that you want to believe your body is moving just like you think it is and those darn mirrors are an ugly reminder that it isn't. In Zumba class I have found a way around this is to look at the instructor and convince myself that my body is indeed moving just like hers.

It's no wonder to me that I gravitated towards Zumba dance classes as not only a way to get back into shape but also as a way to free my mind from the pain I'm feeling. I have now officially become a Zumba junky. I go to absolutely ever class I can at the Y and have already been researching where I can go to class in Charlotte when I head back to work on Homeland. The thought of being limited to classes only on the weekends once I start back to work is disheartening. There is certainly some truth to the old adage "dance all your cares away." I definitely feel as though dancing is healing in a lot of ways. Of course I'm sure it has something to do with the endorphines released during the workout and all that, but I think there is more to it than just some hormones. Dance, like writing, is an expression of one's self - ergo, it too is therapeutic to me.

In addition to physically going to dance class, I have also been jonesing for my favorite dance show to air - So You Think You Can Dance. Fortunately for me, my Idol girls are also big fans of SYTYCD - or are at least willing to watch it. Watching dances can have the same emotional power as watching a movie. Well choreographed dances that are preformed by strong dancers suck you in and allow you to escape into their world for a few minutes. These dances always stick with me for years to come and several of them are dances I saw performed on SYTYCD. The long awaited premiere for the show was tonight and although it was only auditions, I saw some performances that were astonishing, and some that were rather comical. There was even a cute little girl in her ballet tutu that performed and while she was memorable, her mother who performed before her was even more so. But, the one I remember the most and the one that had the most emotional impact on me was this very bizarre looking guy who claimed to be able to take all your pain away through his dance. Well, I wouldn't say he took my pain away, but his dance style was truly unique and engaging.

What did take my cares away for a few hours tonight was not only the show and Zumba class, but my friends. Once again it was a great night of talking, eating and laughing. There was even some drinking and hula hooping involved and since we had the room, some dancing. While none of us were remotely as good as some of the dancers on SYTYCD, we tried to mimic some of them especially the beat boy dancer. It's great to have friends that you can be yourself around and "dance like no one is watching," even though they all are!

Elephants in the Room

I've been putting off for some time shopping for my friend Tina's baby shower. Throughout my pregnancy Tina and I had been so excited to be pregnant together and were so looking forward to getting the babies together and sharing in all the excitement of new motherhood together. Unfortunately, my baby died and hers is still alive. Tina is having a little girl that she plans on naming Harper. Harper is due to enter this world Aug 6th so in just 2 weeks there is a baby shower for Tina to celebrate. Knowing my husband would be coming home this weekend and would have absolutely no desire to go shopping for someone else's baby, I decided I needed to just go do it. So, I did.

At first I had a hard time because I was still drawn to little boy clothes and kept thinking, "oh Marshall would love for Nolan to wear this." I had to keep reminding myself that Nolan would never wear any of these things or any of the many, many clothes we have in the dresser at home. I had Tina's registry printed off and kept trying to read it and pick something out but the words on the paper might as well have been Chinese to me. I couldn't make sense of any of it. I simply found myself pushing a cart aimlessly around the baby section without really looking at anything. Finally, I just decided to head to the girls' section and try my luck looking at little girl clothes. I found it was much easier to pick out really girly clothes as they were so far removed from anything I would have bought for Nolan. So I delved into finding cute outfits that were as pink and frilly as possible. Oh don't worry, they are cute, but they are also about as girly as they come. It was the only way I could find some enjoyment in shopping for Tina's baby.

I so wanted to be happy for Tina and I am, but at the same time I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that we won't get to share in all the things we were so looking forward to doing together with our new babies. For Tina, she has other friends and her sister-in-law who are expecting around the same time as she is so she will find someone else to do all those things with. For me, I will just be here by myself without a child. Perhaps one day soon I will have another child but then I will miss out on some of those things that come with having a friend that's having a baby the same time you are. It's not just Nolan that we are missing but all that came with having a baby to raise. While I was able to experience all that went with being pregnant, I was not able to experience all that went with giving birth and having a baby. Marshall and I were robbed of those experiences.

It is probably for this reason that I'm drawn to hang out almost solely with my friends that do not have any children. With them comes no reminder of all that we are missing out on. They represent what we were before Nolan - just people that one day may or may not become parents. Sure we became parents, but we still relate more to our non parent friends for we never had an opportunity to raise Nolan. This week I get the honor of hanging out with these friends not once but three times! Since tonight was at my house for the American Idol finale, I did invite Tina over. She is still one of my best friends and while I don't see her as much as I usually do I still want to spend time with her. I've probably been avoiding her more out of my inability to be overly happy and excited about her pregnancy than anything. She deserves to be happy and excited and I don't want to be that person that takes away from her happiness. I haven't been asking her about her pregnancy and she hasn't been offering it up. I think we both don't really know how to handle one another now. Neither of us knows what to say to the other that won't cause any hurt. I'm really not sure what the answer is. Sometimes when I look at her pregnant belly I just wish I was still pregnant and Nolan was still safely in me and alive. I know eventually I will get over it and eventually Harper will be born. I'm excited to meet her and I will be happy to do so but for now I tread hesitantly when around Tina. I hope to be able to find the courage and strength to go to her baby shower but I also don't want to be the elephant in the room that keeps others from saying things or having the fun that should be had at such a joyous occasion.

Marshall has found at work that he is sometimes that elephant in the room. People will begin to say things and cut up the way they normally would until they realize Marshall is there. They are immediately aware of themselves and stop their fun in mid stream in order to not say something that will cause more pain to Marshall. I wonder at what point we will stop being those people? The ones that people tippy toe around - the Elephants in the room.

Zumba, Zumba

Sometimes keeping the body busy is the best way to divert the mind. I have found that while in Zumba class I spend the whole hour focusing on my body and how to make it move the way the instructor's is that I don't have any time to worry about all the hard realities of life. It is probably for this reason that I found myself in not one but two Zumba classes today. It wasn't preplanned or even intentional, it just sort of happened. I had planned on going to one Zumba class at the YMCA and then Susan called and wanted me to join her at her gym for a different Zumba class. Not wanting to miss the class I had already planned on going to because I really liked the instructor, I simply agreed to go to both. Now I would not have just one hour of solace from my thoughts, but two. Afterwards, I felt sore but amazingly refreshed and so I decided that for  the next 3 weeks while I was still off I was going to make working out my job. So far I've only found one thing I really enjoy doing - Zumba - but I will go to every Zumba class I can. Maybe along the way I will find something else that inspires me the way Zumba does.

It's ironic that today when I come to this realization that exercise really does help heal my soul that a friend posted a picture on my page of three college boys kicking a soccer ball. These boys were spotted in Goldsboro, NC and they are kicking soccer balls across North Carolina in an attempt to show people how a sport can bond people of different religious backgrounds together in a peaceful coexistence. The boys are all college students at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill - my alma mater. I'm so glad that Jeff posted this on my page and that I was intrigued enough to go to their website Kicking Across Carolina and find out all about them. It was indeed inspiring and proved to me that finding something you are passionate about can do miracles for not only your own physical and emotional well being but also helps to strengthen your bonds with other people. It makes me remember something Shea had said at Nolan's memorial service. She had said that when she was in high school and we were playing soccer together she never imagined that those friendships she was developing then would end up carrying her through her adult life.

There's that phrase - "a couple that plays together, stays together." I think there is a lot of truth in this statement. I don't think that it necessarily means that Marshall needs to do Zumba with me but that we both have exercises that we enjoy which, while molding our physical bodies also mold our spiritual bodies. For Marshall this is surfing. If you have never surfed, let me tell you it is hard work. I'm an extremely strong swimmer but paddling a 9ft surfboard against waves is tough! But when you do finally make it out there the serenity of the ocean beyond the waves is mesmerizing. Many a times I made it out beyond the break and just sat on my board and took in the beauty and calmness of the vast ocean. If two people are able to both find something that helps them to physically and spiritually improve themselves then they are bound to stay together. I think it is when we let not only our physical self but our spiritual and emotional self to become stagnant that we have troubles in our relationships with people. That would explain why we feel more energetic and alive when we exercise. So for now I will Zumba my butt (and cares) away and hope that each day I feel just a tiny bit more alive for it.

Home Again

It was a much longer drive home today from Charleston than it was driving to Charleston. Knowing I was leaving my husband for four days was harder and knowing I was heading home to yet another doctor's appointment didn't help. Now I was going to have to tell yet another doctor what had happened. All because they were worried that what was gestational diabetes while I was pregnant had now turned into full blown diabetes because I failed my blood glucose test last week. My fingers were crossed that they were wrong. Wasn't losing my baby enough. Did I really have to have diabetes on top of it all? Needless to say, my thoughts were a jumbled mess as I drove the 3 1/2 hours back home. I was so lost in my thoughts that I nearly missed my turn at one point. Still it was nice when I crossed the bridge and was back in Wilmington. My thoughts were put a bit at rest when I actually went to the doctor and he said he was very doubtful I had diabetes but would schedule me for retesting anyway just to be sure.

So I decided to do a bit of retail therapy and coerced Stacey into joining me. We killed some time at the mall and then made it to our friend Kathy's for dinner. It was a relaxing girls' evening full of great food, good wine, and fantastic conversation. Kathy is probably one of the most serene people I know. She is full of great wisdom and exudes warmth and compassion. I don't spend a lot of time with her but the time I do spend with her I leave feeling at peace.

I went home afterwards and found two wonderful packages awaiting me in the mailbox. One was a deed to another star registered in Nolan's name. So now there are 2 stars registered in the sky in honor of Nolan - one from our friend Melissa, the other our friend Julie. Such a remarkable gift and thoughtful way to honor and remember Nolan forever. We plan to frame them both and hang them up in our house somewhere. We had thought at one time to hang them in the nursery so Nolan could look down and watch over and guide his future brother or sister. Instead, I think we are going to paint a star on the wall and as our future child gets older tell them that the star is their big brother Nolan watching over them and protecting them.

The other package was a piece of jewelry I had ordered myself. My friend Jessica who also lost her son Nicholas at 18 weeks had sent me a link to some remembrance jewelry on Etsy by Michaela Hagenow. Jessica had planned on ordering herself a piece to remember Nicholas by and thought I might would like something to remember Nolan by. I loved Michaela's pieces and the fact that she herself had lost her son shortly after he was born and so she made all the pieces in memory of her son. I chose a bangle bracelet but had her do a custom order for me with the inscription "And Until We Meet Again, May God Hold You in the Palm of His Hand" hand stamped on the front of the bracelet. On the back was Nolan's name and birthdate and attached to the bracelet was a heart charm with angel wings and Nolan's birthstone. It was a beautiful bracelet and I was very pleased to have received it. I immediately put it on and it was perfect. It gave me some peace to wear it that night and would serve as a constant reminder to me that Nolan was okay now as God was holding him close until I could one day be reunited with him.

Please visit Michaela Hagenow's website at  www.metalstampedmemories.com if you are interested in remembrance jewelry.