Bloody Mary

It's always a bittersweet end to any long weekend - the thought of going back to work. It is especially difficult when that work takes you away from your home and the ones you love. Such is the case with Marshall right now. Today he had to leave to go back to Charleston, SC to work on Army Wives. In order to not spend the afternoon alone, I headed over to Susan and Stacey's pool to hang out with them and Shea. Sometimes you just need your girl friends and today was one of those days. Thankfully for me, I have amazing girl friends that are always there no matter what. I even had the opportunity to see Shea's mom, sister and nephews for a bit. As with most community pools, there were tons of kids and I worried at first if it was going to bother me. But, a very strong Bloody Mary later and that worry was long gone. Note to self, Stacey makes very strong Bloody Mary's so don't drink them if you are planning on driving anywhere any time soon. Fortunately for me, I was not.










I have never been much of a drinker, mostly because I had very little tolerance for alcohol. A couple of strong drinks in college and I was DRUNK. I do enjoy the occasional buzz but have learned that one glass of wine or one strong Bloody Mary is about my limit. Alcohol can often be a source of solace for people in situations like mine. While my husband doesn't drink at all and I drink very little, it obviously has not been an avenue that either of us have considered. Although, I must admit I have found myself drinking on more occasions than I probably would otherwise even if my drinking is limited to one drink. Alcohol is also something I did not partake in at all while pregnant. I know some people do and some think a glass of wine is okay but I am not one of those people. I believe that if a glass of wine can give me a good buzz, what in the world will it do to my 5lb baby? Since I'm sure Marshall and I will try to have another baby soon, I kind of feel like taking more opportunities to partake in drinking a glass of wine now since I might have to soon give it up again for another 9 months. It's like caffeine in that regard. I have been drinking way more coffee than I ever normally would. I'm a one cup of coffee type of girl, but when I was pregnant I also gave up all caffeine. I occasionally drank a decaf cup of coffee but it just wasn't the same so I eventually said why bother. And so today I not only indulged in a full afternoon of fun, sun, bloody marys and girl time, I capped it off with a cup of coffee. Perhaps that's why I can't seem to go to sleep before 3 am?

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Building Bridges

Memorial Day weekend for most means cookouts, beer, the beach and friends, but for those with family or friends in the military it means much more. It means remember those that have sacrificed their lives for our country and those that have and are continuing to put their lives at risk for their country. While I myself don't believe in the war and think our troops are better served at home helping the citizens of our own country, I having a father that served in the Vietnam War recognize the service these men and women are doing for our country. It shames me that these people put their lives on the line everyday and are so poorly repaid for their service. So many of these people come out of the service with very little to call their own and our country fails to look after these people. Our government does only slightly better for soldiers today than it did back when my Dad served. It is no wonder so many Vietnam Vets are homeless or sick the way the government and the US citizens failed to take care of them and support them when they returned home. No matter what your beliefs on the military and war are you still should appreciate what these people are doing. If a war did come to the US these would be the people fighting on our behalf and saving our lives. They would risk their lives to save those of people they don't even know. That is something I don't think I could ever do. Sure I would risk my life for my loved ones, but for a total stranger? Probably not.

As I sat on the Intercoastal and had lunch with my husband I watched the Wrightsville Beach bridge go up allowing passage of a big boat. It got me thinking about bridges -  ones that we build, ones that we cross, and ones that are impassable. In war, bridges are highly coveted objects. The side that holds control over a bridge is often at an advantage. However, in life bridges can be the obstacle that holds people together or keeps them apart. Building bridges is often a way to forge friendships with people and move forward in a career. Burning bridges, on the contrary, is a way of dissolving those friendships and work relations. Now I don't know the exact origins of these phrases but it seems to me they could directly be derived from wartime. In order to make allies in war one could have literally helped the other side to build a bridge or conquer a bridge in order to take the advantage in the fight. Conversely, in war if one wanted to keep the other side from passing or wanted to diminish the advantage one simply had to set burn a bridge, thus destroying it and any advantage that came with it.

In dreams bridges symbolise decisions we are finding hard to make. Maybe we are too emotionally involved to decide or we could be coming to an emotional junction and must decide which path to take. I find the bridge today symbolic in my life as it is opening up and allowing others to pass through, I too find myself opening up more and more emotionally and allowing others in to help. Up until recently, I have mostly submerged myself in my writing and refusing to really talk about Nolan. 

But with time more and more people have been reaching out and asking how I'm doing and I've been forced to talk more openly about it. I can't just say "fine" or "I'm okay" because everyone knows this isn't the truth. Now my response is usually, "I'm doing better" or "I'm getting through it." These responses seem more accurate. I'm still here, I'm alive, I wake up every day and I get out of bed, therefore I am getting through it. Bridges are also symbols of compromise, showing that you may be trying to heal some differences. Emotionally I am doing just that - trying to heal and compromise my inner feelings of turmoil with thoughts of healing and moving forward. I feel as though internally I am building lots of tiny bridges to help me move forward in my healing process. Every time I come to an impasse that seems impossible to overcome, I slowly build an emotional bridge that allows me to eventually move forward and continue putting one foot in front of the other. 

I know people that have never experienced a loss as great as losing one's child have no grasp on the healing process and the fact that you don't just get better after a few weeks, months or even years. It is something that you will continue to struggle with the rest of your life. I will never not struggle to get out of bed, to put one foot in front of the other and to continue on living - the struggle will simply get easier with time. There will be days that are more of a struggle than others and I will still be building internal bridges for the rest of my life in order to continue moving forward.

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