Day 19: Support

Day 19: Support
Oct 19, 2013

When a tragedy strikes you learn who your true friends are. Not everyone can handle the dark places that the death of a child can take you. I am sad to say that I and my husband lost some friends over it and distanced ourselves from some unsupportive family. But in return we had some of the most amazing people to support us even when they could never imagine what we were going through. From the moment they found out at 2am until long after the dust had settled and we were back home, our friends stood vigilance over us. They sat with us in the room, hung out in our private waiting room, brought food, came and cleaned our house, put away all the unpacked baby stuff and closed the nursery off, mowed our lawn, took care of our dogs, baked us food, went grocery shopping for us, sent us care packages when we were out of town and were just there for us whenever we needed someone to yell at, cry on or just be with. They stuck with us during our darkest of days and never passed judgement on us. They didn't tell us how we should be feeling or acting and just assured us we were grieving exactly how we were supposed to. These same people were back in the hospital with us one year later as we welcomed our second son into this world. For that we are truly blessed.

We also had the support of all our parents and a large extended family, a lot of whom also spend countless hours with us in the hospital. Those of our family that weren't as supportive or couldn't seem to be bothered enough to even pick up the phone to call us, we haven't forgotten. Their actions have forever changed our relationship with them. They might not be fully aware of it, but we are. I was, and remain, a bit surprised about the support we received from the film community. Not only was everyone rooting for our pregnancy, but immediately following Nolan's death they took up a collection for us and presented us with an envelope full of money knowing that time off to grieve meant unpaid time off for us.

For me personally I also found support in the oddest of places. A nurse that came into my room to check on my beeping machine recognized us from her baby class and sat down with us and told us of her son that she too had lost. She gave me her number and from that moment on she became the last bit of support that I needed. She knew just how I was thinking before I had a chance to tell anyone. She coached me through the next year and in turn became one of my best friends. I don't know if she will ever know just how much she helped me through those dark, dark days. She too was there when we had Ronan and even stayed late after her shift to make sure she was there when he was delivered. She was there in the operating room with her camera in hand to capture the moment for us. When I got pregnant again, my OB was a godsend. She had delivered Nolan and assured us at our follow up appointment that she would be our sole doctor for any subsequent pregnancy. Not only was she that, but she gave me her personal number to call or text whenever even if it wasn't medically related. She constantly asked how I was doing mentally during my pregnancy with Ronan. She also fought hard for us to be able to deliver Ronan early, which we did. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to deliver Ronan.

The first thing my husband said to me when he arrived at the hospital was that it wasn't my fault and that he would never blame me for Nolan's death. My biggest fear for the 3 1/2 hours it took for him to arrive was just that - that he would blame me. From then on he proved to be my rock. I saw him start to lose it in the hospital and each time I watched him leave the room and return put back together. I know he worried just as much if not more than I did with our pregnancy with Ronan but he was there going to as many doctor appointments with me as he could. He watched over me like a hall and agreed that I shouldn't work once I was nearing my third trimester. He took work out of town so that I could stay home and take care of myself and the baby and keep our baby healthy and alive. I would not have been able to go through this with anyone else and while it might have been hard on us, it would have been much harder alone. I saw my husband struggle to cope as he had no male to talk to. Men tend to claim up about things like this and finding someone in the same boat was hard. I finally found an old friend of mine that was willing to talk to Marshall and he pulled Marshall out of his darkest places. He was the only person that really understood what Marshall was going through. I certainly didn't. I did to a degree but what a father experiences and what a mother experiences are totally different.

I am thankful for all the amazing support we received and continue to receive, but most of all I'm thankful for my little family - Marshall and Ronan. Without them I certainly would have gone crazy and I would be sitting here writing this inside four padded walls.