Day 18: Release

Day 18: Release
Oct 18, 2013

My blog for the first year after Nolan's death was all about letting go of the worry and fear. Finding myself pregnant again a mere 3 months after Nolan's death, I was extremely fearful of having to bury another baby. Now that I have a healthy baby boy home in my arms and filling my house with laughter and noise, my goal is no longer to rid myself of worry. Sure, I worry, but I don't know that it is any more than normal mother worrying over her child. Okay, so yeah it probably is a tiny bit more than what a normal mother would worry about. Most only worry whether their child is sleeping, eating, pooping and developing normally. I worry that he might go to sleep and not wake up. I still attach a Snuza to his diaper every night before bed. I still find myself checking on him every 10 minutes while he's napping. I even go as far as to put my hand on his chest to ensure he's still breathing. So, yeah that's probably not exactly normal motherhood anxieties. Or maybe it is? I don't know. I will never know because my motherhood will never be "normal." Most mothers don't have a devastating event happen at the very start of their motherhood that will forever effect how they mother subsequent children. I'm sure I'm over protective. I'm sure I hold him and coddle him too much. I still haven't moved him out of our room and into his own despite him being 7 1/2 months old. In fact, I've found every possible reason not to move him and I'm running out of excuses. In another week or so Ronan will officially be too long to fit into his bassinet. I will be out of time and forced to move him to his own room and I just hope I can put some of my anxieties to rest so that I too may get some rest.

But the point of my 30 days of grief project is mostly to release myself from any regrets and guilt I still have over Nolan. As the sole provider and protector over a baby in your womb, it has been very hard for me to not feel some guilt associated with Nolan's death. Even though I know that I personally did everything I could to ensure Nolan's health, I still felt as though I as a mother did something wrong. Something that resulted in my baby's death. Was it something I ate? Was it something I didn't eat? Did I gain too much weight? Did I not gain enough? Did I not rest enough? Did I rest too much? These were all questions that plagued my thoughts for the last year and a half. So much so that I was a nazi when I was pregnant with Ronan. I didn't drink a sip of caffeine, liquor or sugary beverage. I tested my blood sugar twice a day (despite not being diagnosed with gestational diabetes). I counted my carbs, I went to Zumba 3 or more times a week. I had ultrasounds twice a week. I bought a device to listen to his heartbeat. I did kick counts every hour and multiple times during the middle of the night. I didn't eat deli meat. I ate everything well done. I didn't eat fish. I took my prenatals religiously. I didn't go near smokers. I drank tons of water. I did all this so I would know that if anything did happen to him, there was absolutely no way it was my fault. There were too many times with Nolan that I wondered, did I? I've been told by everyone and their brother that it wasn't my fault but still I haven't been able to let go of the possibility that maybe I did do something wrong. So if I have anything I need to release myself of during this 30 days of grief project, it is guilt. I have to let myself off the hook. It wasn't my fault. I did do everything right. I listened to the doctors and I ate what I was supposed to and didn't eat anything I wasn't. Something went wrong that was out of my hands. Something, we just don't know what. But that something wasn't anything I could control.