Day 25: #SayItOutLoud

Day 25: #SayItOutLoud
Oct 25, 2013

There isn't much I haven't said regarding Nolan and his death either on here or on my blog, and while some might disagree with my openness, all I can say to them is then don't read it. I thought instead of trying to rack my brain to say something I haven't already said, I would post a picture that nobody has ever seen. In fact, I myself have never even looked at it until today. This picture is probably the last truly happy picture of myself. It's the last picture of myself before my world came crashing down and my happiness ceased to be as carefree and naive as it once was. This picture was taken at my baby shower for Nolan (we refused to have any showers with Ronan). I was 35 weeks pregnant in this picture. Five weeks shy of being full term and yet had Nolan been born on the day this picture was taken, he would most likely still be with us today and as healthy and happy and normal as any other 1 1/2 year old. This picture was taken a mere 6 days before Nolan was born.

Day 24: Artwork

Day 24: Artwork
Oct 24, 2013

We were given several piece of artwork to remember Nolan by, all were dealing with the ocean, sand or sky. Several of the pieces were Nolan's name written in the sand with a beautiful ocean background. My favorite is the purple sky sunset with Nolan's name written in the sand given to us by several of my friends from high school. Another favorite is of an angel drawn in the sand with the ocean water rushing up to meet it. The ocean will always be a symbol to us of Nolan. We had the ocean in mind when we made his nursery and Marshall had big dreams of taking him surfing in that ocean. To me the ocean reminds me that there are forces out there much more powerful than us and to which we have no control over. Every day the tides ebbs and flows, no thanks to any human intervention. No, there's a force much greater than any we could create that moves the vast ocean back and forth. It's humbling really and makes us aware of our place in the vast universe.

Day 23: Tattoos/Jewelry

Day 23: Tattoos/Jewelry
Oct 23, 2013

Since Nolan's death, I've acquired several pieces of jewelry meant as a token of remembrance for him. The first such piece was a sterling silver key pendant my mother gave me while I was in the hospital with him. A note accompanied it that said it was to serve as a reminder to me that Nolan held the key to my heart and always would. The second piece of jewelry I bought for myself. It was a bracelet that I had custom made. On the outside it said, "Until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand." On the inside was inscribed Nolan's name and birthdate. A small angel wing charm and an aquamarine jewel (Nolan's birthstone) hung from the side of the bracelet. I wore this bracelet every day for the next 6+ months. I also received a bracelet from my friends while in the hospital that had Nolan's name on it and on the inside it read, "I held an angel." They passed out these silicone bracelets to everyone that had been at the hospital with us.

 My cousins also gave me a sterling bracelet that read "Endless love." But none of the jewelry proved to have as much significance as the one pendant I had made for myself and have worn every day since I received it in the mail. I took Nolan's footprint that the nurses had given me and sent it off to a jeweler to have him imprint it into a pendant for me along with Nolan's initials. When the jeweler found out it was to serve as a momento of my dead son, he sent me two pendants. I put that pendant on my necklace along with my key and wore the two together for the next year. On mother's day this year, Marshall and Ronan gave me another key to add to my necklace to represent Ronan. While Nolan's key is void of any color other than the sterling silver and bears a simple cross in the middle, Ronan's key is vibrant with jewels. It's a beautiful representation of the differences in my two boys. I usually wear the three pendants together, but I always wear Nolan's footprint. Since Ronan was born he has held on to the pendant whenever I'm nursing him. Now that he is more inquisitive, he is constantly grabbing at it and holding it and now even trying to chew on it. I may one day stop wearing the footprint around my neck, but I will always hold it dear and keep it close to me.

Day 22: Words

Day 22: Words
Oct. 22, 2013

As evidence by my blog, there's lots I could say about Nolan, but some of the written words that speak to me and remind me of Nolan are as follows.

A saying that we read aloud during Nolan's memorial and that we later had engraved on his plaque is:

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

This is an Irish blessing and ironically Marshall has the line from it "until we meet again" tattooed on his arm long before Nolan was ever even thought about. It seemed only fitting that this saying be incorporated into Nolan's memorial and subsequently into our thoughts when remembering Nolan.

At his memorial I read a poem I had stumbled upon only days after Nolan's death. This one poem summed up every thing I was thinking and feeling at the time and still resonates with me tremendously.

Tears

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
and bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken
no time to say goodbye
you were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness
and secret tears still flow,
what it meant to lose you,
no one will ever know.

Day 21: Honor

Day 21: Honor
Oct 21, 2013

Since Nolan's death, Marshall and I have done numerous things to try to honor his memory. We held a memorial service several weeks after his death on what was supposed to be Nolan's due date. Now every year on his birthday, March 30th, we plan on doing something as a family to celebrate Nolan's life. Our intent is to do something Nolan would have enjoyed doing. This year we decided to include all our family and friends that wanted to be included in it and we held a birthday party for Nolan complete with cake, candles and a sky lantern that we lit and launched into space on the beach. This yearly celebration also includes Marshall and I to not work on March 30th. If there was one thing we learned that fateful night in March 2012, it was that family is more important that work. We want to use Nolan's birthday to remind us of this and keep us in check that we aren't letting work come in the way of family. The other yearly thing we plan on doing to honor Nolan's memory is to sponsor a little boy every Christmas. Our hope is to sponsor one around the age Nolan would have been that Christmas and buy Christmas presents for that little boy. Presents that we would have bought for Nolan had he been here.

I think there's lots of things we do on a day to day basis to honor Nolan's memory though. Some things we are not necessarily even aware that we are doing. My blog in itself is a way of honoring his memory and every time we publicly speak about him, write about him or post about him we are honoring his memory. I remember the first time I posted a picture of him online there was some backlash from people that were offended that I posted a picture of him. To those people, I have to say I am sorry that my loss offended you but he is my son and I will honor his memory any way I want.

Day 20: Hope

Day 20: Hope
Oct 20, 2013

After I lost Nolan I had hope that he wasn't my only chance to be a mother. I held out hope that I would be granted another opportunity to be the mother I always wanted to be and not just a mother with empty arms. 49 weeks and 1 day after Nolan's death I was granted that wish. 49 weeks and 1 day. Normal gestation for a baby is 40 weeks. Ronan grew inside me for 38 weeks.That means only 11 weeks after Nolan's death we conceived Ronan. Not quite 3 months. We were told to wait until I had one cycle before we tried again and longer if we needed to heal more emotionally first. But I felt like my emotional healing wouldn't begin until I had hope that I would be a mother again. That hope came in the form of a blue line on a pregnancy test. I would take 3 more tests before the week was over, each one showing an even darker blue line. Ronan became my hope for a brighter future. As he grew bigger and stronger, so did my hope. Ronan gave me hope that one day I would be able to be the mother that I thought I was about to become with Nolan. Ronan and Marshall, who after all gave me my two most precious gifts of all - my sons.

What hope do I have for others that might experience this? I would hope that no one would ever join this "club" I'm in, but I know that is unrealistic. So for those that do, I hope that they too can find something to live for, some hope for a brighter future. For some I know this doesn't include having another child. For me that was the only hope I clung to because I felt it was obtainable. But now in retrospect I realize there were other things I could have gravitated to as well to give me hope that I would smile and laugh and be happy again. There was and is my marriage, my friends, my family, and my art - my writing. Now my hope is that my writing can help someone else. I want to know that my writing isn't just helping to heal me but maybe somewhere else someone else is reading it at just the right time and it is impacting them. Maybe that's my higher purpose in having gone through this experience. I feel like it was paid forward to me and now I should pay it forward in the only way I really know how - by writing it down.

Day 19: Support

Day 19: Support
Oct 19, 2013

When a tragedy strikes you learn who your true friends are. Not everyone can handle the dark places that the death of a child can take you. I am sad to say that I and my husband lost some friends over it and distanced ourselves from some unsupportive family. But in return we had some of the most amazing people to support us even when they could never imagine what we were going through. From the moment they found out at 2am until long after the dust had settled and we were back home, our friends stood vigilance over us. They sat with us in the room, hung out in our private waiting room, brought food, came and cleaned our house, put away all the unpacked baby stuff and closed the nursery off, mowed our lawn, took care of our dogs, baked us food, went grocery shopping for us, sent us care packages when we were out of town and were just there for us whenever we needed someone to yell at, cry on or just be with. They stuck with us during our darkest of days and never passed judgement on us. They didn't tell us how we should be feeling or acting and just assured us we were grieving exactly how we were supposed to. These same people were back in the hospital with us one year later as we welcomed our second son into this world. For that we are truly blessed.

We also had the support of all our parents and a large extended family, a lot of whom also spend countless hours with us in the hospital. Those of our family that weren't as supportive or couldn't seem to be bothered enough to even pick up the phone to call us, we haven't forgotten. Their actions have forever changed our relationship with them. They might not be fully aware of it, but we are. I was, and remain, a bit surprised about the support we received from the film community. Not only was everyone rooting for our pregnancy, but immediately following Nolan's death they took up a collection for us and presented us with an envelope full of money knowing that time off to grieve meant unpaid time off for us.

For me personally I also found support in the oddest of places. A nurse that came into my room to check on my beeping machine recognized us from her baby class and sat down with us and told us of her son that she too had lost. She gave me her number and from that moment on she became the last bit of support that I needed. She knew just how I was thinking before I had a chance to tell anyone. She coached me through the next year and in turn became one of my best friends. I don't know if she will ever know just how much she helped me through those dark, dark days. She too was there when we had Ronan and even stayed late after her shift to make sure she was there when he was delivered. She was there in the operating room with her camera in hand to capture the moment for us. When I got pregnant again, my OB was a godsend. She had delivered Nolan and assured us at our follow up appointment that she would be our sole doctor for any subsequent pregnancy. Not only was she that, but she gave me her personal number to call or text whenever even if it wasn't medically related. She constantly asked how I was doing mentally during my pregnancy with Ronan. She also fought hard for us to be able to deliver Ronan early, which we did. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to deliver Ronan.

The first thing my husband said to me when he arrived at the hospital was that it wasn't my fault and that he would never blame me for Nolan's death. My biggest fear for the 3 1/2 hours it took for him to arrive was just that - that he would blame me. From then on he proved to be my rock. I saw him start to lose it in the hospital and each time I watched him leave the room and return put back together. I know he worried just as much if not more than I did with our pregnancy with Ronan but he was there going to as many doctor appointments with me as he could. He watched over me like a hall and agreed that I shouldn't work once I was nearing my third trimester. He took work out of town so that I could stay home and take care of myself and the baby and keep our baby healthy and alive. I would not have been able to go through this with anyone else and while it might have been hard on us, it would have been much harder alone. I saw my husband struggle to cope as he had no male to talk to. Men tend to claim up about things like this and finding someone in the same boat was hard. I finally found an old friend of mine that was willing to talk to Marshall and he pulled Marshall out of his darkest places. He was the only person that really understood what Marshall was going through. I certainly didn't. I did to a degree but what a father experiences and what a mother experiences are totally different.

I am thankful for all the amazing support we received and continue to receive, but most of all I'm thankful for my little family - Marshall and Ronan. Without them I certainly would have gone crazy and I would be sitting here writing this inside four padded walls.

Day 18: Release

Day 18: Release
Oct 18, 2013

My blog for the first year after Nolan's death was all about letting go of the worry and fear. Finding myself pregnant again a mere 3 months after Nolan's death, I was extremely fearful of having to bury another baby. Now that I have a healthy baby boy home in my arms and filling my house with laughter and noise, my goal is no longer to rid myself of worry. Sure, I worry, but I don't know that it is any more than normal mother worrying over her child. Okay, so yeah it probably is a tiny bit more than what a normal mother would worry about. Most only worry whether their child is sleeping, eating, pooping and developing normally. I worry that he might go to sleep and not wake up. I still attach a Snuza to his diaper every night before bed. I still find myself checking on him every 10 minutes while he's napping. I even go as far as to put my hand on his chest to ensure he's still breathing. So, yeah that's probably not exactly normal motherhood anxieties. Or maybe it is? I don't know. I will never know because my motherhood will never be "normal." Most mothers don't have a devastating event happen at the very start of their motherhood that will forever effect how they mother subsequent children. I'm sure I'm over protective. I'm sure I hold him and coddle him too much. I still haven't moved him out of our room and into his own despite him being 7 1/2 months old. In fact, I've found every possible reason not to move him and I'm running out of excuses. In another week or so Ronan will officially be too long to fit into his bassinet. I will be out of time and forced to move him to his own room and I just hope I can put some of my anxieties to rest so that I too may get some rest.

But the point of my 30 days of grief project is mostly to release myself from any regrets and guilt I still have over Nolan. As the sole provider and protector over a baby in your womb, it has been very hard for me to not feel some guilt associated with Nolan's death. Even though I know that I personally did everything I could to ensure Nolan's health, I still felt as though I as a mother did something wrong. Something that resulted in my baby's death. Was it something I ate? Was it something I didn't eat? Did I gain too much weight? Did I not gain enough? Did I not rest enough? Did I rest too much? These were all questions that plagued my thoughts for the last year and a half. So much so that I was a nazi when I was pregnant with Ronan. I didn't drink a sip of caffeine, liquor or sugary beverage. I tested my blood sugar twice a day (despite not being diagnosed with gestational diabetes). I counted my carbs, I went to Zumba 3 or more times a week. I had ultrasounds twice a week. I bought a device to listen to his heartbeat. I did kick counts every hour and multiple times during the middle of the night. I didn't eat deli meat. I ate everything well done. I didn't eat fish. I took my prenatals religiously. I didn't go near smokers. I drank tons of water. I did all this so I would know that if anything did happen to him, there was absolutely no way it was my fault. There were too many times with Nolan that I wondered, did I? I've been told by everyone and their brother that it wasn't my fault but still I haven't been able to let go of the possibility that maybe I did do something wrong. So if I have anything I need to release myself of during this 30 days of grief project, it is guilt. I have to let myself off the hook. It wasn't my fault. I did do everything right. I listened to the doctors and I ate what I was supposed to and didn't eat anything I wasn't. Something went wrong that was out of my hands. Something, we just don't know what. But that something wasn't anything I could control.

Day 17: Time

Day 17: Time
Oct 17, 2013

It's been 1 year, 6 months and 17 days since Nolan passed away. Some days it feels like an eternity, other days it feels like it was just yesterday. When I looks back on the time, so much has happened during that year and a half. I believe that what little bit of sanity I have is due to my son Ronan. If I hadn't occupied myself with focusing on a healthy pregnancy and bringing him into the world healthy that first year would have been nearly impossible to get through. I knew sometimes that being pregnant again was the only thing giving me hope of a happier ever after. In my darkest moments, I clung to the promises that "something like that just doesn't happen twice." I heard that said to me so many times that I actually started to believe that maybe it was true. It was like being struck by lighting. If you were fortunate enough to survive it the first time, you certainly would never be struck again. I tried not to think about the people who had been struck twice. I had to believe I wasn't going to be one of those people. It was my only saving grace. The belief that this time my son would be born healthy and alive. And then he was. The 7 months since Ronan's birth have been the most healing 7 months since Nolan's death. I look at Ronan and know we wouldn't have him if Nolan hadn't died and I can't imagine Ronan not being in my life. He is the happiest, smartest little fella I can only imagine that he is here for a greater purpose. He's not only our salvation, he's our everything.

Day 16: Seasons

Day 16: Seasons
Oct 16, 2013

There's no particular season that makes me grieve more heavily than another. I could say that March being the month Nolan died in is a sad month, but now March is also the month that Ronan was born in to. So I save Nolan's actual birthday for the one day in March that I allow myself to pine for him. I think of both of my sons as little leprechauns as they are both Irish babies born in March right around St. Patrick's Day. The first year after Nolan's death, every new season brought more sadness as it was suppose to be Nolan's first summer, first Halloween, first Christmas and first birthday. Now it's Ronan's first summer, first Halloween and first birthday so seasons are exciting to me as I watch him grow and explore each new season.

Day 15: Wave of Light

Day 15: Wave of Light
Oct 15, 2013

In remembrance of Nolan and all the other babies whose light burned out long before they could really shine, people all over the world lit a candle at 7pm their time and allowed the candle to burn for one hour. The effect was a wave of light that traveled around the world in remembrance of these little souls. It just so happened that today was my last day of work on Homeland and ironically we had lunch at 7pm. Marshall and Ronan brought a candle with them and we lit it in my office and let it burn for the lunch hour. Our craft service girls also lit a candle in their truck and let it burn in the window for Nolan. I appreciated everyone else that also lit a candle in memory of Nolan and sent me pictures or posted them on Facebook. I loved each and every candle lit and know Nolan was smiling down on all of them.

Even more ironic was a gift I received today. It being our last day of work, Claire Danes handed out her wrap gifts to everyone. She gave me a beautiful silver dish that could be used for jewelry, knickknacks or yes, a candle. Not wanting to give me just the dish, Claire gave me a pure white candle. Seeing my posts on Instagram of Nolan's candle the irony did not slip past her. The dish and the candle just might have to become Nolan's special candle (or at least until it's all burned away and needs to be replaced).

Day 14: Family

Day 14: Family
Oct 14, 2013

In today's world the idea of what a family is has become more and more non-traditional. Our family is no exception. While we might appear to be your traditional family, - mom, dad, son and yes, even a dog - we are not what we appear on the outside. Looking at us from afar you would never know that we have another son, who while he will always remain with us in spirit, no longer is with us physically. This is a secret our family carries from most of the world and once they pry and find out they see that our storybook family is far from perfect.

Perfect would be having both Nolan and Ronan here with us. Perfect would be chasing after Nolan with Ronan strapped to my chest in the Ergo. Perfect would be the world knowing I'm a mom of two sons, not just Ronan. But our family isn't perfect. Because of Nolan's death our family has been put under stresses that most can't even imagine. In fact, most families would break under the duress. It hasn't always been easy but we have managed to stay a family and thanks to the immense love and support we've had our family has actually grown. Ronan has more aunts and uncles than he could have ever imagined and that's a feat for a little guy who's Mommy is an only child! We are so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives that care so much about not only us but both our boys that they want to be around for him. He's also blessed with amazing grandparents, blood aunts and uncles and tons of cousins. Our family may not be perfect, but it is exactly how it was meant to be. I wouldn't trade either of my boys, my only wish is that I had been able to spend more time with Nolan.

Day 13: Book

Day 13: Book
Oct 13, 2013

There were two books I read during my so-called grieving period. One was a compilation of stories about women who had lost babies and their grieving process. I found this compilation helpful in that it allowed me to see that others were dealing and coping the same way I was, but it wasn't until I read "My Beautiful Broken Shell" that a book really touched me during this time. An avid reader, I couldn't focus long enough to get through any books for entertainment. This book was the length of a good children's book making it the perfect length for my preoccupied mind. After reading it I immediately began to think of Nolan as my beautiful broken shell; imperfect in his health for some reason I didn't know but beautiful still and worth keeping forever in my heart. It also allowed me to realize that because of Nolan I was now broken and that no amount of time or healing would "fix" me. It allowed me to come to terms with my brokenness and move forward in my new reality.

Day 12: Article

Day 12: Article
Oct 12, 2013

I've read many, many articles on grief from everything to the pamphlet they handed me in the hospital to blogs and websites like Still Standing. Most of the articles I've read have been specifically targeted towards parents who have lost children, although grief of any kind runs a similar course. My blog became a complication of what I read in conjunction with what I was experiencing and feeling.

Today's image is a very rarely seen one that was just recently shared with me via a friend that was with us in the hospital. He snapped this shot of my husband and Nolan in the hospital because it was such a powerful image of grief to him at the time. He has held on to this image until this month when I started my 30 day grief project. He decided it was finally an appropriate time to share it with me and I'm so glad he did.

Day 11: Emotional Triggers

Day 11: Emotional Triggers
Oct 11, 2013

I think if it was easy enough to be able to pin point what emotional triggers trigger our grief, then it would be that much easier to heal. Its the not knowing what or when or how something is going to rip your wound wide open. For me, in the early months it was learning that someone else was pregnant, specifically if it was someone who either didn't want the baby or wasn't prepared for a baby. Knowing that we had done everything right, were ready and able and tried to have a baby, loved him dearly and couldn't wait for him to arrive and then to have him torn from us before we ever got to hold him in our arms and feel his warmth against our skin, it made me desperately angry to learn of people who weren't deserving of a baby to be granted that precious gift so freely. The hardest thing I had to do early on was attend one of my best friends' baby shower. I went knowing that one of the hardest things she had ever had to do was show up in my hospital room with Nolan lying dead in his bassinet and her baby growing inside her very pregnant belly. I know that took bravery on her part to come and show me she was going to be here for me, so I had some wine and braved her party. I did quite well too, until one of her friends showed up with her baby in tow. I was ready to leave then. Perhaps my biggest public breakdown was actually at work. It was only a few weeks before I had learned that I was pregnant, but I remember it vividly. Our actress, Claire Danes, was pregnant and I knew it but was one of only a handful of people who knew the news. The knowing she was pregnant didn't upset me as I knew her and her husband very much had been wanting children. It was, however, the day when we were filming at our CIA building off Claude Freeman when she got the attention of all the crew and had us shuffle into a classroom for some announcement. I felt pretty sure I knew what was going to happen, but that still didn't prepare me for the wave of emotion that overcame me. In that instance, Claire informed the entire crew of her pregnancy. I sat there in my chair and felt that huge ball well up in my throat and I knew I had to get out of there and get out of there immediately. As I waited for the room to clear so I could leave, I felt someone gently pat me on the back and I all of sudden felt all eyes on me. I know they weren't all looking, but I knew some were at least. They were wondering if I already knew this news. They were wondering how I was going to take it. They were all waiting for me to lose it and they were right. I was losing it. I jumped up and shrugged off the pat and virtually ran down the hallway to the stairwell, vigorously dialing my phone. By the time I got Marshall on the phone I was in hysterics. I could barely choke out two words for him, my chest was heaving so rapidly from my sobs that I was grasping at my breath. I had no idea on earth how I was going to finish the day. I knew I had to get it out, get over it, dry my eyes and go back to work. It took about 15 minutes, but Marshall eventually talked me down. When I came out of the stairwell, I remember Drew our medic standing there waiting for me. He asked me if I needed a hug or would that make it worse. I found only a few people that seemed to notice my sprint out of the room as everyone else was busy with work.

Since Ronan, it no longer bothers me to learn of other people's pregnancies. What triggers my grief these days are memories of the event, the day, and my son Nolan. When Ronan was first born, and even some now, people would call him Nolan occasionally. I never let it bother me, but of course when they did it, I couldn't help but think of Nolan. There's a very distinct smell that I can't quite describe that I remember during Nolan's birth that was very much different from the C-section with Ronan. At first I smelled it a lot, but over time it has become less and less a remembrance and thus less an emotional trigger. Nowadays, Ronan is the biggest emotional trigger for me. I can't look at him and not think, "I wonder what Nolan would have been like at this age." I often wonder what it would have been like to have both boys and having them be just shy of a year apart. I know my life would be crazy and chaotic but I would gladly do it if it meant I could have kept both of my boys with me. I think I have a hard time putting Ronan down, including at night when he should be sleeping in his own bassinet, because I fear that one day I will lose him too. I want to soak up every single moment I have with him for fear that one day it will be my last. I know to most this sounds like a morbid thing to think, but once your eyes have been opened to the possibility of losing a child, the fear of having it happen all over again becomes all consuming at times. I thought this fear would go away after he was finally born healthy, but it didn't. It has subsided and I don't live every moment of every day checking on him to see if he's still breathing, but I do check him multiple times a night, despite the Snuza he wears to bed that monitors his breathing and will alarm at the first sign of distress. It's a paranoia I don't think I will ever overcome. Just as I think any subsequent pregnancy will be just as nerve racking as the one with Ronan. Nolan forever changed my life and he has made an everlasting impact on my heart.

Day 10: Beliefs

Day 10: Beliefs
Oct 10, 2013

When a tragedy happens we often grapple for answers of any sort to help us cope with the pain. Why me? Why did God to this to us? Why my baby? These are all questions I asked over and over again. I finally came to the conclusion that God didn't do this to us. What God would want a baby to die and what kind of God would want to see parents go through the agony of dealing with the death of their child. No, Mother Nature did this to us. Something happened to Nolan that was unexplainable but it happened and it happened for a reason. I like to believe it's so we could have Ronan. If Nolan had lived there would have been no way possible that we would have gotten pregnant so quickly again as we were pregnant a mere 3 months after Nolan's death. I do like to believe that while God couldn't keep Nolan from dying, he could put in place a wonderful support network for us to help us cope. The people we met, almost immediately in the hospital, proved to be just who we needed in our lives at that exact moment to help us along our journey to healing. One such person has since become one of my dearest friends as we are tied together by a bond not most can comprehend.

I do believe that Nolan is still with us and I believe Ronan and our dog can see him. Right after Nolan died, our dog JoJo who never leaves our side was often found in the nursery. Prior to Nolan's death she would never go in there. I would find her just sitting in there in front of the crib staring off into space. This was very odd behavior for her but I've always heard that dogs can see spirits and ghosts and I believe it. I believe that she was seeing Nolan. When Ronan was born he would laugh in his sleep even as young as a few days old. My grandmother used to say when babies laugh in their sleep it's because they are seeing angels. Ronan laughs in his sleep a lot. He also takes to staring off into space and smiling and laughing while in his nursery. Marshall and I both feel as though when he does this it's because he is seeing his brother. I hope that Ronan always has a spiritual connection with his brother. I can sometimes feel a presence in our house even though I personally can never see him, I know that Nolan is there with us.

Day 9: Music

Day 9: Music
Oct 9, 2013

It was right before Christmas when we learned we were having a boy. We announced the sex of our baby that night at our family Christmas party. Nobody was as excited as Marshall to be having a little boy. From then on he would sing to our baby, most often a few verses from "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon. It was this song that Marshall would later recite during Nolan's memorial service on the beach.

"Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)"

Close your eyes,
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Darling,
Darling,
Darling.

Day 7: Color

Day 8: Color
Oct 8, 2013


Traditionally, when one thinks of a color associated with a little baby boy they automatically think of blue. When I think of my two little boys, blue only comes to mind when referencing my son Ronan's eyes. For Nolan, my angel, it's the color white and for Ronan, my rainbow baby, it's the color of the rainbow and yellow (my sunshine after the storm). When planning Nolan's nursery blue and green were the first two colors we had in mind and so began the ocean themed nursery. But once my Nolan passed, all the color faded out of my life. I began to see everything in black and white and so I chose to see Nolan as the white light in my life. For me it was the color that represented purity in its rawest form and was most often the color associated with angels. It was also the color of all the seashells that we threw into the ocean on the day of his memorial service. All the shells had words that were meant to represent "wishes" for Nolan. They had been made for his baby shower, but ironically forgotten about until after. I kept one shell and put it in Nolan's shadow box, along with a photo of his feet and his "Nolan" bracelet the nurses at the hospital made him. The shell reads simply, "love." For Nolan's urn Marshall and I picked out a seashell since that had somehow become our representation of him. Later I would receive a book on grief from my aunt entitled, "My Beautiful Broken Shell." I don't know if my aunt ever realized just how profound a meaning that book had on me. My favorite "shell" now has become a starfish. Since Nolan has two stars in the sky named after him I think it's only fitting to depict him as a guiding star in our life, yet he will always be deeply connected to the ocean in our minds. The starfish is the epitome of both images and thus the perfect symbol for Nolan. It is no wonder then that for Christmas Marshall and I chose a white stocking with white shells and baby blue starfish for Nolan. It was the most perfect stocking for our perfect angel.

Day 7: You Now

Day 7: You Now
Oct 7, 2013

Even now almost a year and 7 months to the day, I still find it hard to get out of bed some days. Most days the only reason I do get out of bed is the obligation to work but on days off it's the smiling face of my baby Ronan that pulls me out of my funk and gives me a reason to be happy. Most days are good days at this point, but the dark days are darker than most people can even imagine. My husband and I still struggle with our new reality and quite honestly without Ronan here I don't know that we would be as far along in our healing process as we both are. The death of a child is hard on a marriage even when no blame is placed and I thank my lucky stars that so far Marshall and I have managed to make it through together. We did go from a couple that never fights to a couple that rarely fights and I can't imagine how a couple already in turmoil could ever cope with losing their child and still manage to stay together. We have started to realize that when we do fight they are almost always originating out of some pent up anger or frustration from Nolan. I don't think that will ever go away. What has happened is that Marshall and I have learned to better deal with our pain and frustration and we have worked on communicating our inner turmoil better so it doesn't come off as anger towards the other person.

I've learned that the pain doesn't go away, we just become better at concealing it from the rest of the world. I still cry every time I think of Nolan (which is every single day) and every day I write a post about him. I've also learned that it is possible to be happy again when I thought that was never going to be my reality again. I still find it very difficult to answer some questions like, "is this your first baby?" I dread meeting new people while I'm holding Ronan knowing that I'm about to lie to them just to avoid a discussion I don't want to have. Nobody wants to hear about your dead baby, they only care about the one that is in front of them. Sometimes I think people forget that we are still grieving, that we got pregnant again immediately with Ronan and that our wounds are still very raw and fresh. But very few people think to ask how we are doing any more. For those who care to know, when I tell people at work, "I'm here" when asked "how are you," rest assured it was a bigger struggle to get "here" than you will ever imagine.

Day 6: Rituals

Day 6: Rituals
Oct 6, 2013

We never set out to intentionally create any rituals in regards to Nolan, but a few of them just started to happen out of habit more than anything. The first one that started and probably the most visual one was a light that we burn every night. The one thing that was left unfinished in the nursery when we had Nolan was that we had yet to buy a lamp for his room. I became obsessed with finishing his nursery and finding the perfect lamp. My husband didn't quite understand my obsession, and quite frankly neither did I, but he indulged me. After a day of being very distraught over not having any success in shopping, I happened upon a beautiful blown glass night light that went perfectly with our ocean themed nursery. When we got home I immediately went in to the nursery and plugged it in. It was perfect. Now the light burns bright every night in the nursery, which has still remained empty despite the arrival of my second son. We have yet to transition him out of his bassinet and into his own room, so he hasn't had the pleasure of sleeping under the watchful light of his brother. We have had a few people stay the night and had to put them in the nursery to sleep and I tried to make a point to move Nolan's night light out of there and plug it in elsewhere so it could continue to burn. Recently, I forgot to though and was deeply saddened to see it pulled out of the wall and lying on the floor the next morning. I replaced it in another outlet until our guest left so that it could continue to burn bright all night long.

The other daily ritualistic thing I do is a necklace I wear. While we were in the hospital, our friends had silicone bracelets made that had Nolan's name on the outside and on the inside they said, "I held an angel." I wore the bracelet all day and night long until I replaced it with a silver bracelet that had Nolan's name and birthdate on the inside and the phrase, "until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hands" on the outside along with Nolan's birthstone. Eventually, though I replaced even that with the keepsake I wear constantly which is Nolan's footprint engraved on a pendant along with his initials. I wear it around my neck even still. Now that my son Ronan is teething, he has replaced holding the pendant to chewing on it and for some reason it doesn't bother me. In fact, I find it endearing that Ronan since the day he was born has been drawn to the pendant. I've tried wearing teething necklaces for Ronan to chew on and he still finds his way to the footprint pendant.

Although we've only celebrated one birthday thus far, we have decided upon a ritual that we did this past year. Both my husband and I have decided that we will never work on Nolan's birthday but instead use the day to spend it with our family and do something special in memory of Nolan. This year we spent it not only with our son Ronan, but also our extended family and amazing friends. We held a birthday party complete with a cake and candle and then we ventured out to the beach where we let a luminary go. Each year we will let go the number of luminaries that would have equaled the age Nolan would have been had he lived.

Last Christmas we decided to buy some gifts from Nolan for some children in need that we knew. This year and from now on out we plan on picking a child from the angel tree, hopefully a boy around the age Nolan would have been, and buying him gifts.

Day 5: Memory

Day 5: Memory
Oct 5, 2013

This one is the hardest for me. Since the birth of Ronan, I haven't looked at pictures of Nolan for fear of comparing my two sons. This is the last memory I have of my precious Nolan. I kept him with me for as long as I could in the hospital knowing that once they took him away that reality would really set in. I know it was silly, but in that moment having him in the room with me even as still as he was, it brought me comfort. This was our family and this was the best it was going to be for awhile. I cherished my time with him. The nurses helped me bath him for the first and only time I would ever do it and helped me dress him. I had knitted him a hat which I put on him to have his picture taken. We had him christened, cut a piece of his hair off for a keepsake and held him in our arms for as long as his little body could stand the touch. He was my baby and even though I knew I must it was torturously painful to say goodbye to him and to ask the nurses to take him away to the funeral home. 

This new reality was such a stark difference to the immense happiness we felt throughout the entire pregnancy. From the moment we learned we were pregnant, to the day we found out we were having a boy, we were ecstatic. Everything was just perfect. Even the nursery we had put together for him was simply perfect. I never imagined our perfect little family would be ripped apart before we could even hold our baby boy in our arms.

Day 4: Legacy

Day 4: Legacy
Oct 4, 2013

Nolan's footprint may have been small but it was very impactful. Not only did he touch our lives but his short life affected and is still affecting many, many people. Because of Nolan, Marshall and I became parents. In his memory 50 trees were planted in a protected forest in FL, two stars shine bright in the sky bearing his name, one autistic child went to surf camp and many more people were made aware of inexplainable stillbirths. The greatest legacy Nolan left behind was the one he left inside Marshall and I. It is true that part of a baby's DNA remains inside the mother for decades. I remember feeling him inside me long after he was no longer with us. Some people experience phantom pains from limbs that have been removed, well I felt phantom kicks months after Nolan was gone from inside me. Not a day goes by that Marshall and I don't think of Nolan and wish he was still here. I try to learn from Nolan and never take any moment for granted. I cherish every single second I get with Ronan knowing all too well just how limited our time together could be.

Day 3: Myths

Day 3: Myths
Oct 3, 2013

There were three big myths about grief that I experienced after losing Nolan.

1. That the loss of an infant shouldn't be that great since you didn't really know the child.

Anyone who thinks this obviously doesn't have children and certainly never carried a child for 9 months only to birth the baby and hold him in your arms while he slept perfectly peaceful, yet devastatingly still. I interacted with Nolan for 9 months. I felt him kick and move, hiccup and roll. I saw him practice breathing on the ultrasound and heard his heart beat. I felt him react to my husband's voice with little kicks. I loved him before I ever even laid eyes on him. He was my baby and I was his Momma.

2. That all losses are the same. 

I have lost quite a few people in my life that were extremely close to me but none hurt as deeply as the loss of my child. I even had an early term miscarriage prior to having Nolan and to make a comparison between that and the death of Nolan is unfathomable. To lose a child for no explainable reason when you know if only they had already been born they would most likely still be with us today is a pain so deep that just thinking of it shatters my world all over again.

3. That once we had a "healthy" baby the loss of Nolan would dissipate. 

The moment I heard Ronan's first cries a wave of relief flooded over me but also it rehashed a lot of memories of Nolan. The moment I laid eyes on Ronan I couldn't help but compare how much he resembled his older brother. The full head of brunette hair, the almond shaped eyes and those oh so precious sweetheart lips. Every time Ronan grabbed ahold of my pendant with Nolan's footprint my heart broke knowing he would never get to play with his big brother. Ronan's love and brightness has taught Marshall and I how to live and laugh again but he has in no way made us forget about Nolan.

Day 2: Identity

Day 2: Identity
Oct 2, 2013

Nolan was born still on March 30, 2012 at 1:03am. He weighed 5lbs 3oz and was 21" long. We named him Nolan Eason McGee. Nolan meaning "noble one" was a name we picked because it was Irish and we simply just liked it. We had gone through baby books and list galore before deciding upon Nolan. We had narrowed it down to Nolan and Miles and decided on Nolan a month or so before he was born but kept the name primarily to ourselves. Eason, also an Irish name, was my mother's (Nolan's maternal grandmother) maiden name. We were sitting at brunch one more in Charlotte, NC, with my cousin Erika discussing possible middle names when I mentioned Eason and Marshall loved it. Erika was the first person to know that was going to be his middle name. When I told my mother what name we had decided, she cried she was so touched that we would have even thought to consider that name. At the time I didn't realize the name was also Irish I just thought it was a cool name and a wonderful tribute to my mom and my grandparents. 

1 year later on March 9, 2013, I gave birth to Nolan's Irish twin. It seemed only fitting that we gave him an Irish name too, thus Ronan Finlay McGee came into our lives. Every day I am saddened that Ronan will never know his big brother Nolan, but we will do everything in our power to make sure that Ronan knows all about Nolan and understands why we celebrate his birthday every year. I know by making the choice to acknowledge Nolan's presence in our life will also cause Ronan to eventually come to us with lots of questions about him and about why he isn't here, but hopefully by the time that occurs we will be in a place in our healing where we can confront those questions with grace.

Day 1: Sunrise

Most people know Oct as breast cancer awareness month thanks to the pink accessories that adorn our NFL teams, but as a mother of an angel I would like to remind you that it is also Pregnancy, Infant & Child Loss awareness month. I invite all of our family and friends to join us at 7pm your time on Oct 15 in lighting a candle in memory of our sweet baby boy Nolan and all other children that were taken long before their light could really shine and create a wave of light to remember these tiny souls. As a way of raising awareness of this very important subject, I've decided to participate in a 30 day project for the month of October in which I post a photograph each day and write about Nolan and my experiences in losing him. Since the birth of my second son, Ronan, my posts have been few and far between but my hope is this 30 day project will revitalize this blog as my journey in healing has still only just begun.


Day 1: Sunrise
Oct 1, 2013
Bessemer City, NC
Driving home from an all night shoot on the television show Homeland, I snapped this picture. Frustrated from working all night, exhausted and wanting to just go to sleep, when I arrived home I was greeted with my son Ronan's wide eyed grin smiling up at me from his bassinet. All the stress of my day floated away as I smiled back and him and picked him up. I was instantly no longer tired and just wanted to enjoy every moment I had with Ronan. I cuddled him and we both eventually drifted peacefully off to sleep. Prior to Ronan's birth, sleep was not restful for me. Nolan's death continued to plague my dreams. Since Ronan's birth my best sleep comes when I have him snuggled close up to me. There's a calmness that comes over me when I hold Ronan in my arms. He is the melatonin to my insomnia, my sunshine breaking through the storm.