I finally had coffee with Tifni and her daughter Mallory today. For 10 months we've been texting each other on a weekly basis but I haven't seen her since the day she stepped into my hospital room right after I gave birth to Nolan. It was great to finally sit down with her in person and talk to her. She gets me in a way not many people can. I feel like I can tell her everything I'm feeling that other people might think is ridiculous and irrational and she won't judge me. In fact, she's likely to say she felt the exact same way. I had never thought about how hard it was for her to go back to work after she lost her son Brody. As a labor and delivery nurse, not only did she have to go back to the exact place where she gave birth to her dead baby but also to help deliver other people's healthy babies. Some people who don't even deserve to have those babies. She told me about how hard it was and how she told her husband that she wasn't ever going back. It was her husband that convinced her to go back telling her that she sees more happiness in one day than most people do in a lifetime. How true. She said she went back for awhile and did nothing but sit in the nurses lounge and when she finally did decide to work she refused to help deliver babies but worked in triage instead. But as fate would have it she was finally forced to one day step foot into a patients room and of course it was a crack head having a baby. Tifni said the woman was clearly cracked out while she was there and told the doctor "to get that piece of shit out of me." Tifni said she couldn't bite her tongue but looked at the woman and told her, "I had to push a dead baby out of me so you will not refer to your baby as a piece of shit again in front of me." Tifni said she didn't care if she got fired, she had to say it and that shut the woman up immediately. It was eye opening to me to sit down with Tifni and hear her talk about her feelings and how even years after Brody's death and another healthy baby later she still gets angry. It felt great to talk to someone about how anxious I was this week and know she totally understood why and knew I was anxious even before I actually told her I was. It felt great to tell her how pissed off I was when I heard my brother-in-law and his girlfriend were having a baby and for her to tell me she would have been pissed off too. Although I've had a great support system and my family and friends are much more understanding than most, there are still some things that I think that I will never say out loud to them. I can say those things to Tifni though because I know she has had the same feelings before, feelings that you know you shouldn't be having but you can't help but feel them. Feelings that would make other people think you are a horrible person for even thinking that. Feelings that only a parent who has lost a child would ever feel. Although I've talked to Tifni on a weekly basis ever since Nolan passed away, the past couple of weeks she has texted me every day knowing that I was growing more and more anxious. She is one of those people that knows exactly what I'm feeling and thinking before I can even tell her. She knows because she's been through it all. And in the end she had a beautiful rainbow baby to show for it all. I just learned what a rainbow baby actually was. Its what people call a healthy baby that you have after you experience a stillbirth. Rainbow babies are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope. Sitting at coffee watching Tifni's rainbow baby Mallory play filled me with hope that one day soon Marshall and I too will be blessed with our own rainbow baby. He will never fill the void that was left by Nolan's passing but he will bring happiness and color back into our lives.
This afternoon was bittersweet as I went to my last Wednesday afternoon class at the Y with Karson. I did talk to her briefly before class and she told me her reasoning for dropping the three classes at the Y was to give her more time with her family, which I totally understand and respect. She said that who knows once her little boy is in school she might come back and teach more classes at the Y again but for now she will only be teaching the Thursday morning class at the Y and all her classes at Babs. It was a great class and even went a bit long, which I didn't mind at all. The class was packed though so word must have gotten out that it was Karson's last day. The entire gym was full. After class I ran home and showered and put my PJs on before heading over to Susan's for dinner and to watch American Idol. Mary Beth and her kids Abby and Oliver were already over there and Susan was making grilled cheeses to go with the vegetable soup. She made me a grilled cheese with apple slices on it, which I've never had before but it was really delicious. Stacey and Kelly showed up a little after me. Susan even made us desert - a weight watchers brownie with frozen yogurt. It was really good. The secret to making the brownie weight watchers was to use a can of black beans mushed up instead of the oil. You seriously couldn't even taste the difference. It ended up being a really busy day which I was glad for. The busier I am the less time I have to be anxious and worried. Hopefully the rest of this week will fly by as quickly as today did.
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