Pregnancy Woes

It was a lazy morning for us both as Marshall was still recuperating from his lack of sleep yesterday. Neither of us were motivated to get dressed to go do anything. Marshall spent most of the morning laying on the floor snuggling with JoJo and trying to wake up by drinking cup after cup of coffee. Eventually, we did get dressed and decided to go out to Kickback Jack's to watch the first half of the Panther game and eat some lunch. We decided to sit at the bar this time since it was just the two of us and the place was packed. This little old lady in her late 70s or early 80s ended up sitting beside us at the bar. She was from Myrtle Beach, SC and was traveling home from Pennsylvania. She too was there to eat lunch while watching her football games - Steelers, Redskins, and Panthers. She ended up chatting with us the entire time we were there. She was very sweet and cute and it seemed to make her day that we were taking the time to chat with her. At halftime, we said goodbye to sweet old lady and headed home to watch the second half of the game. Dad came over and watched the rest of the game with us. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and missed the ending but the Panthers won! Woot woot. If only they could have started this winning streak about 4 games earlier!

Dad left and we gave JoJo a much needed bath. Then we went to Target to get presents for Tynik and his siblings. Marshall was very impatient with the Christmas crowds and then ended up getting impatient with me saying I was walking too slow. For the past several months, I have had an ongoing pain in my left heel that pops up every now and then and makes it very painful to walk. Today is one of  those days where it is acting up making walking around the store fairly painful. So when Marshall got aggravated with me for walking slow, it upset me. Sometimes I think he has no idea how much being pregnant affects my every day routine. By the time we got home, I had really let Marshall's shortness with me really upset me. He left to go run an errand and I found myself sitting in the nursery crying. I am tired of being pregnant. I'm tired of the heartburn, the back aches, the sore feet, the weight gain, the hormonal roller coaster. I'm tired of experiences all the agonies of pregnancy and not ever getting to experience the reward of being pregnant. I remember one time seeing a show, I believe it was Private Practice or Grey's Anatomy, in where a pregnant woman had fallen and come to the ER. There she found out her baby had died and she too would have to birth a stillborn baby. I remember on the show the doctor said that most time she can convince her patients to deal with the pain, promising them they get to see their baby at the end of it and all their pregnancy woes and pain will have all been worth it. But you can't tell that to a woman who is birthing a stillborn baby. I remember in the hospital when I dilated from a 2 to a 10 within 30 minutes without having had an epidural yet and was in excruciating pain. I remember my doctor asking me if she could check me and couldn't stop crying but shook my head no. I remember crying, "why is this happening to me?" "Why are they torturing me?" At that moment, that is exactly how I felt. Tortured. Everything I had been through in the last 8 1/2 months had all been for naught. And today I cried thinking it could happen again. I could be going through all this again only to be tortured once again. I've been dealing with pregnancy woes now for 2 years. I'm about at my breaking point. If I am blessed with a healthy boy at the end of it, it will indeed all be worth it. But if something goes wrong again, I don't know that I can survive it all over again.

Marshall apologized when he returned home and saw how distraught I was over it all. I explained to him how tired I was and he said he didn't know how I wasn't. He said I've had such a good attitude this whole time about being pregnant and he didn't seem that surprised that I finally had a meltdown about it. Of course, he was deeply sorry he was the catalyst for my meltdown. We decided to forgo the movie tonight and went to Best Buy instead to look for a new phone case for Marshall. He ended up getting a red one that charges your iPhone while you use it. We picked up a couple of RedBox movies on the way home - The Apparition and Total Recall. We watched the scary one, which was not that great, then decided to watch the other one in the bedroom. Of course, we didn't make it through 15 mins of it before falling asleep.