Harper

Today was one of those weird days where as though I was a mixed bag of emotions. All day long I felt like I was walking sideways. It was as if my head was so clouded with my thoughts that I could think or see straight. I started receiving text messages early this morning from my friend Tina's husband Jamie that they were at the hospital and Tina was in labor. Yes it was happening. Tina was having her baby girl. Her healthy, living baby girl. I'm happy that everything is going well for her but at the same time it brings up a lot of sadness and anger I still feel over Nolan's death. Why does Tina's life get to be so perfect? She has the perfect house. She hardly works. She has a super fit body and I'm sure will bounce back immediately after the baby. Her husband makes a great living and is home every night. She had the perfect pregnancy. And now she's having a perfect little baby with absolutely no problems. People like her don't have still born babies. In fact, of all the people I know having babies - none of them had a still born baby.

As the day progressed and so did Tina's labor, my anxiety grew more and more. In a way, I wish I had been in town to be there but I think it was a blessing that I wasn't. I don't know that I could have gone back to that hospital. I'm pretty sure it's likely I would have had a panic attack if I had tried to go there. I'm not sure if I can ever go back there and not think about Nolan. Every now and then a smell triggers that memory. I don't know what the smell is exactly, but it reminds me of something I smelled at the hospital. Hell, maybe it just reminds me of the hospital smell in general, but whatever it is it always makes me think of that fateful day in March.

Eventually, I started receiving texts from Tina in the late afternoon. She had finally received an epidural and was feeling much better. I texted with Tifni a bit, who happened to be on duty at the hospital on the labor and delivery ward and so she went in and introduced herself to Tina and Jamie. Tifni told me Tina had been in a lot of pain and all I could think about was Tina doesn't know what pain is. Pain is being 10cm dilated without an epidural and you know a baby is coming that you are never going to hear cry. Personally, after enduring that pain I don't know why any woman would ever want to try to go through childbirth naturally. However, I can also understand how a woman can muster through. If I knew my living breathing child was about to come out, I too could have endured the pain to ensure that baby came out okay. Knowing my child was dead, I thought having to struggle through that pain was plain torture. I begged for the epidural and told my doctor to leave me alone. She did, of course, for she too knew - what's the hurry. It wasn't like we were trying to get a living baby out.

By the time I was off work, Tina and Jamie had their baby girl Harper in their arms. I was so incredibly jealous of them. I cried the whole way home. I'm not mad at them. I too just want what they want. I still don't understand why I didn't get it. I don't understand why Nolan died and I don't ever think I will. I think I will always wonder why. I most certainly will always wish he was here and imagine what my life would be like if he was. Harper and Nolan were supposed to grow up together. Tina and I were supposed to become mothers together. I feel robbed of everything that I was supposed to have.