Claire's News

Today was the last day of work before the random day off in the middle of the week for the holiday - Independence Day. When holidays fall in the middle of the work week, it makes for a weird week. It's like you have two Mondays and two Fridays. So, in a weird way, today was Friday. Even though in reality it was only Tuesday. It was just one of those weird days all around. Nobody really seemed to be fully in to anything they were doing and the day just seemed to drag on. For me, it was probably more because I knew that when I got off work I would see my husband and if I got off early enough maybe even have dinner with him. You know, like normal people do. Eat meals together.

Needless to say, all day long I was on a high from the anticipation of seeing Marshall and the dogs. My patience with work started wearing thin when I knew Marshall was nearly in town. Ironically, just as Marshall pulled in to the apartment complex was just when I needed him the most. I had a meltdown at work. The biggest as of yet and totally unexpected. Up until now, I'm pretty sure nobody has noticed my mini meltdowns. Today, several people did. Probably more than I even realized actually. I can't explain the meltdown, but I guess that's how grief works sometimes. It just comes on suddenly and unexpectedly. I've known since a few days after my arrival that our actress Claire was pregnant. It was pretty obvious to a woman who was up until a few short months ago pregnant herself. These days I seem to be hyper aware of pregnant women. I had approached Claire about her news and she seemed hesitant, wondering how I would react to it. She appeared relieved when I congratulated her and was open to discussing it. I think pregnant women don't know what to do with me. I think a lot of the world doesn't know what to do with me. I get it. They don't want to make my pain any worse and seeing them or talking about their pregnancy when my just ended badly could hold the potential of rocking my world back into dark places. Usually, this is not the case. It's only when stupid people who are pregnant for all the wrong reasons or don't even want the baby are around that I get irate at my situation.

Anyway, back to today's meltdown. It was late in the day and Claire's husband and her parents had all been visiting set, but now only her mom remained. We were just finishing rehearsing our last scene of the day when Claire called everyone in to set. I was trapped in the room as people filed in like cattle. Damn it. I know what she's about to announce. And sure enough, I was right. She made an announcement to everyone that she was pregnant. I sat in the room and clapped with everyone else, but I felt it building up inside me - the storm. I tried to smile but I my face wouldn't move. I felt everyone's eyes burrowing in the back of me. Quit starring at me. Yes, I know - I lost my baby. He's dead, but I'm sure that won't happen to anyone else in here. Just me. And certainly not Claire. Things like that don't happen to movie stars.

I could hardly wait to get out of that room. I was beginning to feel claustrophobic. And then a couple of people walked by me and patted me on the back. I knew what they meant by it. It was that sympathy pat. I almost broke down right there. It was all I could to make it to the bathroom. Thank God nobody else was in there. I shut myself in the stall and cried. Sobbed really. It only lasted a few minutes then I blew my nose and tried to pull myself together. I stood in front of the mirror a long time waiting for the redness under my eyes to go away. I couldn't go out there looking like this. I texted Marshall but got no response. I finally thought I should venture out. So I did, but I stayed away from set but within earshot. And then Jen walked up to me as I desperately tried to reach Marshall. She put her hand on my arm and before she could say anything I was crying again. She asked if a hug would help or what did I need for she knew I had to continue to work and she didn't want to make things worse. I just shook my head and started to cry so I turned and walked away, dialing as I went. I barely made it around the corner before I was sobbing hysterically. By the time Marshall answered the phone I was crying so hard he couldn't understand a word I was saying. I heard the panic in his voice as he asked me if I was okay and what was wrong.

I finally was able to mutter the words between sobs - "Claire announced her news." Marshall knew then what had happened. He stayed on the phone while I sobbed, hidden in a little corner on the building. I didn't care if they started shooting. I couldn't go back there right now. I had to get it out. Our medical Drew popped his head around the corner to check on me but saw I was on the phone with Marshall so he knew I was dealing as best I could. I'm not sure how long it Marshall to talk me down. It seemed like an eternity. Every time I thought I was settling down, my chest would heave and something deep inside me would cry out again. After some time I composed myself the best I could manage and told Marshall I didn't understand my reaction. I had known for weeks about Claire's pregnancy. Why did her announcement affect me so much? I don't know. Even after hours of reflecting on it, I still don't. I don't fault her for any of it. After all, it isn't like she blindsided me with the news. I'm sure some people thought she had though. Since they didn't all know I'm sure they all questioned whether I had or not. As I walked back to set, I was approached by a few people that wanted to check on me. Drew was the first. He was waiting around the corner for me to come out so he could greet me with a hug and a joke to lighten my spirits. I thanked him for it and moved on. The next was our 2nd AD Kim who asked if I was okay and asked what I wanted from Starbucks for she was having the PA make a run. Sure, Starbucks will make it all better. It can't make it any worse, that's for sure. I saw a group of electrics starring at me as I walked past them. Yeah, I'm sure they are wondering how I'm taking it. When I got home from work, I had a few more Facebook messages from people saying they had thought about me when she made the announcement.

It was a strange, emotionally draining afternoon. At least there were people at work that recognized that the situation was difficult for me. Even if I am one of those people that doesn't fully understand why it was so difficult. I couldn't have been more happy to know that my husband was in town after the day I had. All I wanted to do was go see him and hug him. Nobody would understand what today was like for me except him. Sure some people can imagine or sympathize with the pain, but if you haven't lost a child that could be hear living with you now you can't fully understand. I don't think Claire ever realized how it affected me and I'm glad. I certainly wouldn't want her to think I'm not happy for her. I am. She and Hugh deserve to be parents just as much as Marshall and I do. She deserves to be happy, just as I was. Hopefully, her pregnancy just ends with a much better outcome than mine. I decided that on the slight chance Claire might have gotten wind of my reaction, I should text her to clarify. So I did. I simply told her again congratulations and that I prayed everything goes well for her. She responded by thanking me for all my support and for sharing my experiences as a recent mom with her. I felt better after the text. The last thing I want is to work with her for another 3 months and have her constantly worried about tip toeing around me as she gets bigger and bigger. Whether I'm ready to or not, I'm going to have to face pregnant women and this pregnant woman I will see on a very regular weekly basis. I'm going to have to learn how to cope with it and not let it affect me.