You Are Your Mother

Today was the last day of episode #204 and as a treat the writer, Alex, and director, Lodge, treated the entire crew to an ice cream truck. True the truck might have been more beneficial yesterday when we were in the hot sun all day, as opposed to today when we are in the air conditioned stage, but regardless it was a nice surprise. I debated indulging in it since I didn't make it to a single Zumba class all weekend. I had opted to hang out with my husband and sleep as opposed to going to the gym. But, I decided since I still have very little of an appetite besides coffee, it couldn't hurt. So, I got myself a scoop of butter pecan and then I thought, oh geeze, it's happening. I'm turning in to my mother. Whenever we got ice cream when I was a child, my mom always got butter pecan and I always hated. Why would you get such a thing when there's chocolate? Or even better, chocolate and peanut butter? I don't know if this is still my mom's favorite or not, but I would guess that it is. I do know that when I took the first bite, I immediately thought of her.

I had always been told to just wait until you have kids and you will realize you are turning in to your mother. Well, I guess I assumed that meant when you say things or do things in regards to your own children you will realize that your mother did them to you. I never imagined it would happen even though my child died. But twice since Nolan died I have had people that have known my mother a very long time tell me that I was starting to look a lot like my mom now. Odd. I've never really favored either of my parents. I always assumed I must have more of my mom's looks since I have cousins from my mother's side that look identical to me. My build and stature is more reminiscent of my mom's sister though than my mom. My mom is a good 4-5 inches or so taller than me. She's not pear shaped like me and my Aunt Jo. She has auburn hair and hates sweet tea. And yet, people think I look like her. I'm a brunette with blonde highlights. I have darker skin and darker eyes. Sure, I guess we have similarities and I think my mom is a beautiful woman so I take it only as a compliment to be told I look like her. But quite frankly, I don't see it. Not yet, at least. Today, however, I see myself becoming more and more like her. And I'm okay with that. My mom was and is a great mother. She raised me right and taught me well. I am the woman I am today because of her. People have said over and over again to me through the whole Nolan thing how strong I am. How I've dealt with it with such grace and strength. Well, any strength I have I got from my Mom. She was my rock growing up and she gave me the strength to make it through Nolan's death. If it wasn't for her being so steadfast, I'm sure I would have balled my way into the nuthouse. In times like these, I've found that someone has to be the rock. Someone has to be the strong one. I know my Mom had her times of weakness. I know she spent many, many nights crying in her bed. I saw her cry when she held Nolan. But she was always strong when I needed her to be strong. She didn't cry when I cried out in pain. I know she probably wanted to, but she didn't. She held my hand and helped me breathe through the pain until I could get the epidural. So I'm okay if I am becoming like my mother. Today it's butter pecan ice cream, tomorrow maybe I will be somebody's rock.