Fly Away

Another day on the sound stages. For those of you who have never been on sound stages, they are like a time sucking vortex. You go in there and it’s daylight outside and you leave and it’s nighttime outside and you have no idea when it went dark. There are no windows to let even the smallest amount of outside daylight in. In fact, most entryways are double doored to ensure that no light gets in that way either. Today we were filming at our Brody house interior set with the Brody family characters. Consequently, they are some of my favorite actors on the show. Damian, Morena, Morgan and Claire are my favorite actors on the show to work with. Not to say that the rest aren’t lovely people and easy to work with as well, I just don’t have the comradeship with the others that I do with them. In fact, ever since Nolan’s death I have come to love Morena even more than I did last year. A lot of actors can be self-absorbed and while they might act like they care about you while at work, you would likely never hear from them out of work. The fact that Morena took the time to send us flowers when Nolan passed away to let us know she knew and was thinking about us really meant a lot to both Marshall and myself.

Marshall experienced a bit of the same thing from the actors on his show. Even though he was currently working with them when he had to leave for Nolan’s passing, he did stay out of work for 6 weeks. In that duration, he only heard from a couple of the actors – Kim Delaney and Sterling Brown. Some of the others kept up with us and sent their well wishes through Marshall’s boss Steve, but only Kim and Sterling took the time to personally send their thoughts to Marshall. They are like anyone else I guess, some took their time out of their day to personally send us a note or text even though they didn’t really know what to say, while others simply pretended it didn’t happen at all.

Some days I wish I could pretend that it didn’t happen at all either. But let’s be honest, where would that get me? I sometimes think about Jenny in Forest Gump when she prays, “Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away” and wish I could pray the same thing. If I could fly away from here, maybe I could leave all my pain and hurt behind me. In reality, I know that no matter where I go, my problems will follow me there so it’s best just to confront them head on. It’s funny because Marshall and I have a friend who has a baby by a woman he’s not married to. His biggest dilemma is not being able to see his son enough because they live in separate states. He’s been complaining a lot to Marshall about this and it makes us angry that he would even think to complain to us about NOT seeing his son. Really? At least you CAN see him from time to time. We can NEVER see our son again. Nolan’s dead. Your son is alive and well. He just happens to live some distance from you. I sometimes look at these two Dads – Marshall and our friend and I compare how they are dealing with difficult situations concerning their sons and I have to say Marshall is dealing with the death of his son much better than our friend is dealing with not seeing his. I think it’s safe to say Marshall would love to be able to have the problem of not seeing his son enough as opposed to not ever being able to see him again because he’s dead. Sometimes I want to just tell my friend, “get your ass to the airport and fly down and see him! Stop complaining and do something about it.” Ugh. Before I lost my son I tolerated this time of bitching much better than I do now. I suggested to Marshall he just distance himself from this friend for a bit until our friend could sort out his problem and get into a more positive place with his situation. The hard thing is he is a great friend and was there for us when Nolan passed away but he has to understand we are not the right people to be his sounding board for this particular problem. When I’m around him and he starts in about it, I find my mind taking flight and zoning out. I stop comprehending anything he’s saying for my own self-preservation.

It’s not just with him though. I find myself doing it whenever anyone talks about death and in particular the loss of a child. It’s happened a couple of times on set that this topic has come up and I completely zone out. I know if people realized what they were saying around me, they wouldn’t say it but people just don’t think sometimes. They say inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times and places. It’s like Tifni said she hates when people say to her things like “your kids have the perfect gap between them” or “you have one of each, that’s perfect.” What she hears is, “see it’s okay Brody died because now your kids have the perfect gap between them and you have one boy and one girl.” I get it. I will feel the same way when we have other children. I know when I get pregnant again it will be weird when people ask me if it’s my first pregnancy. I won’t be able to lie to them, I will have to say no I had a son and he died. I’m just going to have to prepare myself for that. I don’t want to ever lie about Nolan’s existence even to people I don’t know. But for now, I just use the fly away method whenever conversations around me float to inappropriate places that I can’t mentally handle right now.

Stages

I figured blogging might would be difficult when I went to work. Mostly due to the lack of time to find to actually write, but also that I wouldn't have much to write that would be of any interest to me or anyone else. After all, am I really supposed to be able to find something beautiful every day that I'm at work? I work for 13 hours a day minimum. When am I going to have time to see anything outside of work. Sure when we are filming on location it is easy to see something beautiful and thought provoking, but when we are stuck inside on a sound stage for 13 hours a day it becomes very difficult. But there were a couple of things that happened today to really make me smile.

The first was the realization that I now have my very own parking spot at the sound stages. That's right, a reserved parking spot just for me. Of course, first thing this morning when I pulled up someone was parked in it, but in all fairness the parking sign was put up after they had already parked. I was, however, able to park in it when I return from going to Target at lunch. It's amazing the little things that bring such joy these days. If people only knew what little things they could do to make us smile these days, they probably wouldn't be walking around us tiptoeing as if we are highly breakable. Believe it or not, I actually like talking about Nolan. Or I should say, I like when people ask me about him already knowing what happened. I do not like it when someone comes up to me that doesn't know what happened. I don't like pretending that everything is okay and that I didn't really do anything on the hiatus. But I do, because the alternative of telling these people that my son died is not something I want to do in the middle of work.

So today when our actress Claire set down and asked me about what happened, it felt good. It was nice to tell someone there what had happened and she seemed to want to know it all. Not very many people from work have asked me what happened. Nobody has asked his name or what he looked like. Now some of these people are indeed mine or Marshall's friends on Facebook so some of them have probably seen the pictures and know what he looked like but most have not. I have his picture on my phone and I probably look at it a hundred times a day. He was so beautiful and the picture just looks like he's sleeping. By looking at it you would never know there was anything wrong with him. You definitely wouldn't know he was dead. I know Claire probably had her own personal reasons for her curiosity at my situation, but nevertheless it was nice to tell someone about it. Plenty of people have asked me how I am and how I'm doing with work and all, but she was the first here to ask me about what happened. To ask me why he died. She was shocked to learn that we had no forewarning that anything was wrong and we had no answers to why he died.

All in all, I realized today that maybe I could find something worthwhile in the days spent doing stage work. I certainly had quite a few good laughs today, mostly during rehearsals. And it was the first day with our new director Lodge. He seems nice enough and he certainly is trying to do a good job, but physically he's a very awkward character. He reminds me of a teenage boy who just experienced a growth spurt and has yet figured out how to make his body respond the way he wants it to. You know what I'm talking about. They walk around quite awkwardly as if their feet are delayed in responding to their brains. That's how Lodge lumbers around the stages. He's quite a tall man too which adds to the physical awkwardness of his stature. Nevertheless, it was an enjoyable day on most all accounts. So I guess there is something beautiful about the stages.

Ice Cream

For the last 6 weeks I've been on this diet regimen that I have refused to break. It all started when I went for my 6 week checkup after Nolan was born. I had decided that once I was cleared medically to return to all activities, I was going to hit the gym running. Well, not exactly running... more like dancing. Since I took to Zumba so well, I was determined that I was going to dance my way fit again. I had set a goal for myself that before Marshall and I got pregnant again I wanted to be back down to my pre-pregnancy weight.

Over the weekend, Marshall and I decided to start trying to get pregnant again. Now I'm not quite back down to my target weight, but I'm certainly on the right track. I've lost 20 of the  nearly 30 pounds I gained with Nolan and I feel the best I've felt in a long time. I also plan to continue the exercise regimen whether I become pregnant or not, but the dieting will have to cease. At least by then hopefully I will be in the mindset to eat healthier since I have gotten out of the habit of sodas, processed foods and snacks. It's as though the death of my infant son really made me evaluate my own health. Now I'm not an unhealthy person by any means and I'm of normal weight for my size, but I could stand to be more fit and a little bit more conscious about what goes into my body. But after weeks of no candy, no snacks, no sodas, no anything the slightest bit unhealthy, I decided to splurge a little. After all, if you don't allow yourself to have it every once in awhile you are more likely to go off the diet and stay off it. So today when our director got an ice cream truck for the crew, I indulge. No cone though, just the one scoop of ice cream but it was enough. In fact, I couldn't even finish it all. I figured it was my treat for feeling like I'm far enough along in my healing that I'm able to consider having another baby. Who knows when we might actually become pregnant, but at least we've taken a huge leap in the right direction. We are willing and able to try it again, knowing we will be scared beyond belief for the entire 9 months. Most people expect some reprieve after the first trimester, but after having a stillborn baby late in the third trimester I think it's safe to say we will receive no reprieve from our angst the next go round. But for now I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to eat my ice cream and remind myself that with each new hurdle we face and conquer there will be other rewards ahead for us. Hopefully, one day we will receive the biggest reward imaginable - another baby that we are able to take home, love, and watch grow up.

Skyscrapers

Today was my first day filming in uptown Charlotte this season. In Wilmington we have no skyscrapers, so to stand in the middle of downtown Charlotte and look up at the enormous buildings always reminds me of just how small we really are in the grand scheme of things. It's also a reminder to the triumphs we can accomplish when we set our minds to it. I look at the skyscrapers that reach upwards towards the stars and I'm reminded of that saying, "reach for the stars." Skyscrapers are a reminder to me that we as human beings should "reach for the stars," and not let anything be beyond our grasp.

For months now I've been solely focused on just making it through that any goals I had of future desires had been put on hold. It has been mentioned to me by numerous people that I should pursue my writing career now more than ever. Even people on Facebook who only read my status blurbs have sent me messages saying how profound my blurbs have been to them and how they think my writing will affect thousands of people one day. Its endearing to hear that something you feel passionate about, something that helps you work out your pain, could actually be helping someone else through something as well.

I don't know if I will ever become a successful writer. All I know is that I love it and right now more than ever it helps me. Sometimes I sit and cry and cry as I write. Other times, it brings a smile to my face. But every time when I've typed the last word and I hit the publish button, I always feel relieved. It's as if by writing down the pains of my day the just go away for the time being. Sure sometimes new pains take their place, but for a moment I get a reprieve from them. My husband, who is one of those people that finds comfort through my blog, thinks I need to write a book; a book based on this blog. Maybe he's right. There certainly are plenty of people out there going through the same thing we are. About 1 in every 160 births in the US are still. That's 26,000 stillbirths a year, 68 a day in the US alone. Another 600,000 women a year experience miscarriages. These statistics still amaze me. I don't think I will ever get over how common stillbirths really are. I don't know if I will ever find the words to reach the masses, but if I could reach even a fraction of the parents who experience a stillbirth and help them to heal then it would be worth it. For now, I will continue to write in my blog and hope that whoever needs to get something out of it is able to come across it and read it. Who knows, maybe somewhere in the future when I've reached a good point in my healing process I will be able to successfully find the words for a book that will reach the parents out there who have experienced a loss as great as ours.

Phantom Pains

Marshall always refers to Sundays as the Sunday Blues, mostly because he was always having to travel back to Charleston on Sundays. Today, however, I was the one leaving. I delayed it for as long as I could. We even had a long lunch with friends on Sullivan's Island before I headed out. Since it would be our last weekend in Charleston for probably a really good while, I wanted to make the most of it. It was such a beautiful day and there was this cute little park near where we had lunch. If Nolan was still here, I imagine that Marshall and I would have taken him there. The park was even named Marshall Park. Maybe one day we will have other kids we can take there. Eventually, I had to say my goodbyes and pack up the car to head back to Charlotte.

I knew that leaving the dogs with Marshall so he could take them back to Wilmington with him tomorrow was the better thing for the dogs, but I didn't realize how much I would really miss them. I figured since I'm at work 13 hours a day, I don't see them that much and would be okay being by myself. This was to be my first day really by myself since Nolan passed away. No husband, no friends, no family and no dogs. Even when everyone else had gone away, I still had the dogs. If you haven't been able to tell yet, our dogs are our babies. They are part of our family. We love them dearly and treat them more like people than four legged furry animals. They have given me such a comfort in the past 3 months and have been there with me whenever I was upset and needed a good laugh. But tonight as I drove back from Charleston to Charlotte, I found myself glancing in the rear view mirror to see what the dogs were doing in the backseat. Each time I felt dumb for having forgot they weren't back there. My new apartment seemed eerily quiet and still this evening. I know I will get used to this but I am reminded now that I'm not totally okay with being by myself. I don't like it. I enjoy quiet time but I want company while I have it. I want someone to sit with me and just be there. That's what was so wonderful about the dogs. They were just there. I didn't have to talk to them, but if I wanted to they would listen and sometimes cock their heads to the side to show their interest.




You get so used to the company of others that it feels a bit like they are still there even when they aren't. It's like phantom pains in a leg that no longer exists. I used to not really understand that concept. How does one really feel the pain when there's nothing there any longer to feel it? Well, carry a baby for 34 weeks. A baby that kicks you and squirms and hiccups inside you and then that baby dies and you no longer have him inside you or in your arms. I have felt the phantom pains inside me. For weeks after Nolan's death I couldn't help but to rub my belly the way I did when Nolan was inside there. It was the way I could communicate with him and I subconsciously continued to do it long after he was gone. It's an emptiness I can't explain. I don't know if pregnant women who give birth to healthy babies feel any of that or if the emptiness of their bellies is replaced with the liveliness of their baby in their arms. Hopefully, one day I will personally be able to answer that question. For now, I have to imagine that the phantom kicks and squirms in my belly are something that only mothers of stillborn babies feel.

Closing a Chapter

At the end of every day on a film set, after the last shot is filmed wrap is called meaning the day is over. Likewise, at the end of every show when the last day of filming is done we have what we call a Wrap Party. Since yesterday was the last day of filming on Army Wives for Season 6, tonight they had the wrap party. Generally, Marshall isn't a big fan of wrap parties so we tend to go early and leave early. Primarily because wrap parties are generally associated with lots of free booze and can turn into a lush fest pretty quickly and since Marshall doesn't drink it can quickly become uninteresting to any sober participants. Nevertheless, we went to the Army Wives wrap party tonight in downtown Charleston's Harbor Club. It was actually one of the better wrap parties Army Wives has put on. The place was nice, the gag real was funny and what I had of the food was really good.

I know Marshall felt a sense of relief yesterday after filming, but probably more so today at the wrap party knowing that this season was over for him. He's been saying for weeks now that if he could just get off this show he might be able to continue his healing process. For him, he needed this season to be over in order to get some closure to Nolan's death. I get that. Marshall was down in Charleston working on Army Wives the night I called him from the hospital to tell him Nolan had died and he needed to come home. He left the show to come home for 6 weeks to be with me and to grieve. So for Marshall, this season of Army Wives was tainted with the death of our son. By going back to work, Marshall had to face a lot of the things he left when he got the tragic news. When I started back to work, my circumstances were different. I wasn't on Homeland when Nolan passed away. I was on a movie that I never went back to for they were done filming by the time I was physically able to go back to work.

So tonight, Marshall closed the chapter of Army Wives Season 6. Perhaps there will be a season 7 and perhaps Marshall will be on it but season 7 won't hold the memory of our son's death. Season 6 will always be the season that Nolan passed away. The rest of that year at work will be a blur to Marshall. In fact, I doubt Marshall could recount a single day at work since he's been back. I know for me I find that I can focus long enough to do my job for the day, but ask me today what happened yesterday and I probably won't recount much detail. It's a weird thing the way the mind works. I normally am that person that remembers everything, sometimes to a fault if you were to ask Marshall. Nowadays, if I don't write it down I absolutely don't remember it. I find myself going to Target 3 times before I remember everything I was supposed to get the first time. It's oddly frustrating. But then I remember that my brain is probably still in shock or denial or just plain out confused. It probably spends 99% of its time just trying to make me function throughout the day that when it finally has a chance to reset itself, it does just that.

 And so every day is like that day in the movie Groundhog's Day where the same day keeps repeating itself over and over again. Always my brain is expecting a different result by doing the same things - get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, go to bed. So far, I haven't had a different result. I still feel numb and discombobulated. My world has yet to seem right or even remotely back on the right track. Maybe for Marshall by finally being off Army Wives and away from Charleston his day will end with a different result. Perhaps by closing the chapter on season 6 he can find some closure with Nolan's death and can move forward in his healing process. I hope that for him and I hope that once home he can do some surfing and boating and hanging out with friends and he can find some happiness again. I know eventually we will both get there and that eventually life will get easier again but until then we will just take one chapter at a time and try to find some closure along the way.

A Heart to Hold

Today while I was at work a friend of ours dropped off a package for us with a note that instructed me not to open it until I got home. I figured it was something pertaining to Nolan, so I followed the instructions. Since I got off work at 8pm (unheard of on a Friday night), I picked up the dogs and drove down to Charleston. I decided not to open the package until Marshall and I could open it together. Today was Marshall's last day filming on Army Wives for the season and it just so happened that I made it to Charleston in time for their martini shot (the last shot of the day). It was nice to see everyone one last time and there were a few people there that I had not had the opportunity to see since Nolan's passing so I was able to receive their hugs and thoughts.

After they wrapped for the evening, some of the crew hung around to celebrate in now being gainfully unemployed. Marshall and I went and got the dogs out of the car and walked them around the stage. Marshall wanted to show them where he worked and they were very excited to see him and all the new people. That was until one of the production assistants came rushing past them on a scooter. I thought Buster was going to have a heart attack and JoJo wanted to chase him. We decided then that not only was it time to take them back to the car, but it was time for us to take ourselves to the car and go home. I had been up since 6am and it was now nearly 2am and I was feeling the weight of the day on the back of my eyelids.

I almost forgot about our package until we made it back to Marshall's parents' house and unpacked my bags and saw it. I told Marshall it was something from our friends Kat, Monica and Chrissy - all three work in the film business in Charlotte and have known Marshall for a long time. In fact, Monica is married to Marshall's boss and best friend Steve. The card attached to the gift said that they wanted to give us a "heart to hold." It wasn't until I opened the gift that I understood what exactly that meant. They had given us a blue stripped heart shaped pillow with Nolan's name and birth weight embroidered on it. But this wasn't any ordinary pillow. What was so amazing about this pillow is that it weighed exactly 5lbs 3oz - Nolan's birth weight. Since we didn't have Nolan to hold anymore they had given us a pillow to simulate the size and weight of Nolan. It was pretty surreal holding the pillow. As Marshall held it he said exactly what I was thinking - that he had forgotten how big Nolan had been. When you don't have anything tangible to see and hold it is hard to imagine how big 5lbs 3oz really is and this pillow is a great reminder of that. Nolan wasn't some little fetus. He was a full size baby with a full head of hair and was big enough to survive just fine outside me. In fact, he was bigger than some babies I know that were born healthy and at full term. I will cherish this pillow and hold it when those tough times come, as I know they will.

When I was in the hospital, my Mom gave me a necklace with a key pendant on it. She attached a note saying that it was to be a reminder to me that Nolan held the key to my heart and I his. One of the happiest moments of my life was when I saw Nolan's heartbeat for the first time and then later heard it time and time again at the doctor's office. And the saddest day of my life was that Wednesday night in March when the ultrasound showed that there was no longer a heartbeat. Nolan will always hold a piece of my heart, but now I have a heart to hold that will always remind me of my baby boy.