Harper

Today was one of those weird days where as though I was a mixed bag of emotions. All day long I felt like I was walking sideways. It was as if my head was so clouded with my thoughts that I could think or see straight. I started receiving text messages early this morning from my friend Tina's husband Jamie that they were at the hospital and Tina was in labor. Yes it was happening. Tina was having her baby girl. Her healthy, living baby girl. I'm happy that everything is going well for her but at the same time it brings up a lot of sadness and anger I still feel over Nolan's death. Why does Tina's life get to be so perfect? She has the perfect house. She hardly works. She has a super fit body and I'm sure will bounce back immediately after the baby. Her husband makes a great living and is home every night. She had the perfect pregnancy. And now she's having a perfect little baby with absolutely no problems. People like her don't have still born babies. In fact, of all the people I know having babies - none of them had a still born baby.

As the day progressed and so did Tina's labor, my anxiety grew more and more. In a way, I wish I had been in town to be there but I think it was a blessing that I wasn't. I don't know that I could have gone back to that hospital. I'm pretty sure it's likely I would have had a panic attack if I had tried to go there. I'm not sure if I can ever go back there and not think about Nolan. Every now and then a smell triggers that memory. I don't know what the smell is exactly, but it reminds me of something I smelled at the hospital. Hell, maybe it just reminds me of the hospital smell in general, but whatever it is it always makes me think of that fateful day in March.

Eventually, I started receiving texts from Tina in the late afternoon. She had finally received an epidural and was feeling much better. I texted with Tifni a bit, who happened to be on duty at the hospital on the labor and delivery ward and so she went in and introduced herself to Tina and Jamie. Tifni told me Tina had been in a lot of pain and all I could think about was Tina doesn't know what pain is. Pain is being 10cm dilated without an epidural and you know a baby is coming that you are never going to hear cry. Personally, after enduring that pain I don't know why any woman would ever want to try to go through childbirth naturally. However, I can also understand how a woman can muster through. If I knew my living breathing child was about to come out, I too could have endured the pain to ensure that baby came out okay. Knowing my child was dead, I thought having to struggle through that pain was plain torture. I begged for the epidural and told my doctor to leave me alone. She did, of course, for she too knew - what's the hurry. It wasn't like we were trying to get a living baby out.

By the time I was off work, Tina and Jamie had their baby girl Harper in their arms. I was so incredibly jealous of them. I cried the whole way home. I'm not mad at them. I too just want what they want. I still don't understand why I didn't get it. I don't understand why Nolan died and I don't ever think I will. I think I will always wonder why. I most certainly will always wish he was here and imagine what my life would be like if he was. Harper and Nolan were supposed to grow up together. Tina and I were supposed to become mothers together. I feel robbed of everything that I was supposed to have.

Sluggish Mondays

Another fun filled day on the Homeland sound stages. Early calls on Monday are always the roughest, especially when they are preceded by a late wrap on Friday and a whirl wind trip home to Wilmington. Needless to say, it was very, very difficult to get up this morning. I wasn't the only one dragging this morning though. Even the director was a bit sluggish, blaming the inability to go to sleep early. I mostly spent the day just trying to stay awake. It's that point in my pregnancy where every day in the afternoon I feel a desperate need to sleep which is exasperated by the fact that I am not able to.

Fortunately, we were working with the Brody kids today and they are always entertaining. They kept the day exciting and kept me from falling asleep in my chair. After they left we moved on to yet some more gunshots to finish out our shooting sequence. While they were riveting to watch, they took forever to set up. The down time was killer. Normally, I wouldn't mind having so much time to myself, but all it made me want to do today was curl up somewhere and sleep. At least on the flip side, I should have no problem falling asleep tonight and will hopefully catch up on my sleep.

Magic Mike

My girlfriend's and I have been planning on going to see the movie Magic Mike ever since we knew it was coming out. Up until now, one or more of us have been out of town and so none of us have gone to see it yet. When the girls heard I was coming into town this weekend, they immediately said we must go see Magic Mike. And so today we went to see Magic Mike. Marshall smartly opted out of the outing. So first we all went to lunch so that Marshall, my Dad, and our friend Melissa's brother Geoff could join us. Geoff is trying to break into the film business in the sound department and Melissa has been mentioning to us for some time to think of him if we ever heard of anything. When we heard our friend Mike (not Magic Mike, just Mike) was looking for cable puller to work with him in the sound department of the new TV show Revolution, we mentioned Geoff to him.

After some chatting back and forth, it was finally decided that Geoff would come down to Wilmington from New Jersey for a couple of weeks and intern with Mike in the hopes that eventually it would turn into a full time job. Geoff just arrived from New Jersey this morning so we invited him out to lunch with all of us. I wish I could have seen more of my Dad this weekend, but with him having to work on Saturdays and me having to leave on Sundays, there just wasn't much time in between to do much. That's the hard part about having divorced parents. You can't just have your parents over for dinner and visit with them both and feel like you spent equal time with them. It's always one or the other, because let's face it - my parents do not like each other. They can be civil at times, but in the general sense neither one of them wants to be around the other. They do it when they have to. Like my wedding or when Nolan was born, but they don't enjoy each other's company. It's one of the many reasons I waited forever to get married. I could have married the guy I dated in college, but I would probably be either divorced or miserable by now. I waited so long to make sure I actually was marrying someone I like to be around. Someone who made me laugh. And Marshall certainly does that. To top it all off, he's pretty on the eyes too. In fact, before we got engaged I had several of my friends tell me that if I didn't marry him, they were going to. Lucky for me he wanted to marry me too.

After a tasty lunch at Los Olos, Stacey, Susan and I said goodbye to the guys and headed across the street to meet Dawn and Cristy for Magic Mike. I had no delusions about the film actually being good, but that's not really why women are going to see it now is it? Let's get honest. There's only one reason why women are going to go see it and that's to see Channing Tatum with his shirt off the entire film. He's a pretty good dancer to boot. I never saw Step Up (which he also is in) so I've never seen his dancing skills before. I knew he had a dance background but didn't know he was that good. I guess some women might also be going to see the film to see Matthew McConaughey without his shirt on, but he just didn't do anything for me. The story was predictable but I didn't mind it. You tend to overlook the storyline when there's a buff shirtless man on screen for 95% of the film.

Marshall and Geoff did agree to meet us for frozen yogurt after the movie, so we headed to Fuzzy Peach where I proceeded to delay leaving even further. Fuzzy Peach is the best frozen yogurt bar in town and remarkably close to our house. It never fails though, every time we go the place is packed. They must make a fortune there. Eventually, though it was time to head home, pack up and get on the road back to Charlotte. I pushed it off until the last possible moment as I just was in no hurry to leave my house. It was a long solitary drive back but I did see a spectacular sunset as I drove west. It was a beautiful ending to a fabulous weekend. Hopefully, I will get a chance to go back home next weekend too and have yet another wonderful weekend at home.

Beach Days

I cannot even being to express how amazing it is to be back home. Waking up this morning in my own bed felt so good. So good I didn't want to get out of it, in fact. But after not getting in until 3:30am, who blames me? I couldn't bring myself to make it to the 9am Zumba class, but did finally get up a little after 10 to get the day started. Of course as soon as Marshall and I had decided we were going to take the boat out, put on our swimsuits and were heading over to the boat, it started to rain. So, we decided to go eat first instead in the hopes that the rain would move out in the meantime. It was only drizzling so we sat under a big umbrella on the deck at the Fish House and watched the boats go by. Every time I sit on the intercoastal waterway - whether in a boat or on a dock - I love living here. I am a water person. I love the water. Lakes, pools, ocean. I love them all. But the intercoastal is my favorite. It's so peaceful here.

The rain did finally move out just as we were finishing our pulled chicken nachos. Which, by the way, if you ever eat at the Fish House in Wrightsville Beach, I strongly recommend the chicken nachos. I usually don't even like chicken nachos but there they are amazing. So we headed over to the boat and took it out to Masonboro. The ride over was somewhat bumpy but once we anchored at Masonboro it was beautiful and calm. We swam a bit and walked along the beach looking for shells. I even found some pretty amazing little shells too. Afterwards, we puttered around the intercoastal a bit before heading back in.

It's always the case when I come home that we try to jam pack so much into only 1 1/2 days. My parents always want to see me and friends want to see me and then I want to see my house. So tonight we made a compromise thanks to Marshall's suggestion and we had my Mom and Billy over for dinner at our house. Marshall even volunteered to do the cooking on the grill. I gladly took him up on this as I could lay on the couch, watch Olympics and wait for them to get here. It was the ideal evening for me! It was the first meal I've had on our new grill and I have to say the burgers were pretty amazing. After dinner I turned on the opening ceremonies to the Olympics which Marshall had DVR'd for me and watched them with my Mom and Billy. I would say Marshall watched too, but he didn't really. He slept on the couch through most of them. I guess the boat and grilling out really wiped him out! It was an awesome ending to a great day. Tomorrow I will see the girls and my Dad for a bit before heading back to Charlotte. Hopefully, Tina will join us tomorrow too for a girls' day at the movies, unless of course Harper decides to make her appearance!

Going Home

All week long I've been looking forward to going home to Wilmington for the weekend. When the schedule first came out for this episode I thought, there's no way we are working late on Friday we have almost all day time work. But then of course we had that night shot on Wednesday and ever since the calls have been getting later and later. Today's call time was 11am. Great. I'm looking at getting off at midnight at best and we are filming in Rock Hill, SC. Still, I was determined to go home. I haven't been home yet since I started Homeland. The one weekend we wrapped early there was no point going home for Marshall wasn't there so I went to Charleston to see him instead. My hopes are to go home the following two weekends. It just so happens that one of my best friends' baby is also due this week so I'm hoping either this weekend or by next weekend she will be here and I get to meet her. Mostly though I'm just homesick. I want to sleep in my own bed, go out on the boat and see my family and friends. I also just want to see the nursery again. With everything that's been going on lately, I miss the comfort the nursery gave me. Just being near it is a comfort to me in a weird way that I can't really explain.

Well, the day started off well enough. We were shooting in a tunnel near downtown Charlotte and we pretty much flew through the scene. Then the company move to Rock Hill, SC, really slowed things down. By the time we were ready to shoot in the hospital in Rock Hill I was cursing our locations people. Could you not find a hospital in Charlotte to shoot in? Seriously? Sometimes I really wonder if locations people find the most obscure location just as their FU to the crew. They definitely aren't winning any friends by sending us to Rock Hill. It was midnight before we wrapped and I practically bolted out of there. I don't think the ADs have seen me finish my wrap report that quick ever. The one great thing about driving that late at night is that there is no traffic and you almost never hit any stoplights. It was a good thing too because I ended up taking the long way home straight down Hwy 74. Usually, the drag about Hwy 74 is Monroe and the other small towns outside of Charlotte where you hit every stoplight. Not tonight though. Most were already blinking and I sped right through them. Yeah, sure I have somewhat of a lead foot. I've been known to get a speeding ticket or two, although not recently. Luckily, I didn't happen upon one tonight either. It was a little after 3:30am when I pulled into my driveway. I'm pretty sure I woke Marshall and the dogs up but it was great to see them. Home at last. What an amazing feeling. Even if it is for less than 48 hours.

Magic and Wishes

It was another one of those super hot days today where we are yet again filming outside. We weren't outside working but 30 minutes before everyone was drenched in sweat. I felt like I drank 30 bottles of water today and still didn't feel hydrated enough. It was one of those so hot its muggy type of days where the water just beads off of you and sticks to your skin. I felt like every drop of water I drank, immediately pooled up on the outer layer of my skin and stuck to my clothes. And I was nowhere near as drenched in sweat as the men walking around carrying lights and c-stands. We were, however, working very near my house at Queens College. At least my drive to and from work would be substantially less than yesterday.

We've filmed at this location several times these season already, but just today I noticed a sign that I had never payed attention to before. Maybe it was because of my new found desire to pay attention to the mundane things nowadays, or maybe it was because I just found myself standing right in front of it. Whatever the case, I realized that the sign was reminiscent of Hogwarts School from the Harry Potter book series. I'm not sure why I drew the correlation exactly, but something made me think of Harry Potter all of sudden. Perhaps it was my subconscious desire to believe in magic and wishes. Or maybe the sign reminds other people of Hogwarts too? Irregardless, it made me then take in the extras all walking around in their uniforms. Now certainly our extras weren't donning capes, but their uniforms furthered the Hogwarts correlation for me. Especially, the extras who were walking around in stripped shirts that looked a bit like Hufflepuff house colors. Maybe I've just seen the Harry Potter movies a bit too much.

But then something magical did happen. A praying mantis appeared on the video cart as I sat there at the monitors alone. Not only was he on the video cart, but he was perched directly in front of me. I stared at him for some time and realizing he wasn't budging, I grabbed my camera and started shooting. He posed quite nicely for some shots until the director and DP came back over. Once we were joined by other people the praying mantis decided he had had enough and quickly left. I've always heard that praying mantis were good luck. Until today, I never knew that they are also said to be a symbol of calm and awareness. It is also said that a praying mantis comes to us when we need peace, quiet and calm in our lives. Usually the mantis makes an appearance when we've flooded our lives with so much business, activity, or chaos that we can no longer hear the still small voice within us because of the external din we've created. Maybe the praying mantis was indeed an good omen for me or maybe she was trying to tell me to just listen to the voice inside me and I would find the peace I desperately need.

Praying

I don't think I've ever been so nervous to have blood drawn as I was this morning. My doctor decided it would be best to know sooner rather than later if I'm having a normal pregnancy so she requested I go to Lab Corp and have my blood drawn to test my HCG levels. I have to go back on Friday to have my blood tested again. Knowing that this test will tell me if everything is going as it should right now, has made me nervous that maybe it isn't. I had hoped that with another pregnancy I would manage to stay calm until I got around week 30, but apparently that is not the case. I think it is safe to say that I will be a basket case until a healthy alive baby is delivered in the end. But maybe once we get these results back and everything is okay right now, then I will calm down a bit and relax until later on in my pregnancy. Thankfully, once I got to work there was plenty to keep me busy. We were shooting a big fight sequence that involved squibs going off and actors shooting guns. Those kinds of scenes always take a long time to set up as each bullet hole has its own squib that goes off and blows a hole. Some squibs are on things like manikins, walls, and doors while others are put on our actors along with blood packs to simulate a blood wound caused by a bullet hole. Though we were mostly working with stunt men today, we did have a couple of actors that were being shot at today. While I had some good laughs today with the cast and crew, I also had a lot of time to think today as the set up time in between shots was greater than normal.

I find myself praying every night that I will have a normal pregnancy that ends with a healthy living baby in the end. One which I get to bundle up in a car seat and take home. A baby that I get to raise and see grow up into a formidable adult. As a child, I said prayers every night. I don't know if I believed so much in the power of the prayer or just the comfort of the habitual routine. Throughout my adolescent and early adulthood, I found myself only praying from time to time. Usually my prayers were for other people. I did on numerous occasions pray for a healthy baby when I was pregnant with Nolan. But ever since Nolan's death, I have found myself praying every night. Sometimes multiple times a day. I prayed that I would get pregnant again and have another chance at being a Mom. It appears that I have been given that chance. Now my prayers are only that this pregnancy is a healthy one that ends with a healthy baby being born. Boy or girl. So long as the baby is healthy I could care less what I have.

Today after my blood work, I had a long drive in to work as we were once again filming in Mooresville. The hour long drive allowed me plenty of time to think about everything. It also gave me plenty of time to worry as well, no matter how hard I tried to shake that thought it kept creeping back in. I've seen first hand the power of prayer when people are sick or injured. I know a lot of people are praying for us to have a healthy baby and I hope that God hears our prayers. Just the thought of now being pregnant and it ending happily as made it a lot easier to swallow everyone else around me being pregnant. If it isn't my best friend, it's the main actress on our show. There seems to be babies all around me. I am happy for all of them, I just want to be happy for me too.

This afternoon when the daily rain began to fall, I looked up in the sky and saw the dark thunder clouds and lightning and was reminded of God's power. I do believe that there is a power larger than any of us on earth. I do believe God has the ability to shape our lives. How much he does so, well that I don't know. But, I have to believe that when called upon God will listen to our prayers and help us if he can and if he deems us worthy and needy of his help. As I watched the sky open up and rain all around us but not actually on us, I knew then that God was listening and helping in my close vicinity. Hopefully, that means he will help to make sure everything goes well this time.

City Fountain

Filming outside in the downtown area of any city is always a sure way to have plenty of onlookers. Especially, when your set takes up an entire block right on the main drag of the downtown area. I find it rather comical though when I'm standing by a gaggle of chairs that have HOM3LAND written in yellow on the back of them people still come up to me and ask, "what are you guys filming?" A few realized their idiocy upon hearing my answer and seeing the word written 10 times in front of their faces. It is fun to be on a show that people actually recognize the name of and are excited to find out we are filming. A few passerby's even exclaimed, "that's my favorite show!" But perhaps the best statement ever from a passerby while downtown didn't actually occur today, but in fact happened the other week. We were filming with Morena and she was walking down the street talking on the phone. A lady stepped into our shot while on the phone and said into the phone, "they are filming something but I don't see no famous people." Apparently, Morena isn't famous enough for her because she was standing right beside Morena and our camera.

I was kind of dreading today. It was one of those days where we had 9 cameras, 4 actors and a ton of extras. The scene went from one street corner, across the crosswalk to a kiosk, across the crosswalk to the other street corner, past a parked surveillance van and across the 3rd crosswalk to the other street corner where it ended at a park. Fortunately, our director cam prepared and it all went way smoother than anyone had anticipated. It actually ended up being a rather lovely little place we were filming at. It's kind of this hidden little oasis inside this busy city block. Not that I come to downtown Charlotte much, but if we weren't filming here I don't think I would have ever noticed that this little park existed. I wonder how many people walk by it on their way to and from work and never take a second glance. It's a very serene place amid the hustle and bustle of city life. Filming here today just reminded me of what I've been trying to remember to do ever since the untimely loss of my baby boy - open your eyes. So many times we walk through our day just going through the motions and never really paying attention to what we are doing. We forget to stop and smell the roses or see the city fountains hidden away from the traffic. I am just as guilty as the next person. I sometimes get so caught up in everything I have to do that day that I forget to just live. To just be and experience things. That's one thing children are great for. Every day is a new discovery for them and every day it's like seeing things for the first time. I can't wait to watch our little one discover and learn each day and hopefully teach me how to do that again.

Now and Then

Today was our last day filming with our female director Lesli Link Glatter. I really enjoyed the last nine days with her and really hope we see her back. It was refreshing to have a female perspective on things and I thought she was extremely prepared and very artistic. Which makes sense when you think about the fact that her background was dance. She was a dance choreographer and worked in Europe, Asia and the US. I can only imagine that when she was 18 and living in Paris and dancing she was a sight to see.  Coming from a dance background myself, I would have loved to have seen her preform. I am sure she was spectacular. She was very good with choreographing scenes. I never that a dance choreographer would make a good director, but now I can see why. I'm actually surprised that she hasn't directed a dance movie given her background, but she has directed plenty of other stuff. Ironically, she directed a movie I loved when I was younger - Now and Then. It's a movie with a star studded cast - Christina Ricci, Rosie O'Donnell, Melanie Griffith, Demi Moore, Thora Birch, Gaby Hoffman and Rita Wilson. It's this charming little movie about 4 girls who were best friends and have reunited again as adults when one of them is about to have her first baby. The movie came out when I was in high school and I loved it. Lesli isn't the first person we have had on Homeland that was attached to this film though. Last season we had Gabby Hoffman on the show as a producer that was involved with interviews of Brody after his return home. Gabby was lovely as is Lesli and now I am really starting to think that Now and Then must have been a great little movie to work on.

Despite the daily downpour we had this afternoon, we still managed to get everything shot that we needed and still get off under 12 hours even with a company move. It was a great last day for Lesli and I truly hope I will see her and be able to work with her again. Before we made our company move we were working in this office space with Claire. As she sat beside me at Video Village she snapped a photo of me and emailed it to me and I found the irony in it and so did she as she too now knows that I'm pregnant. I was sitting beside a dry erase board on which the art department had drawn an arrow and written the word Family. It just so happened that the way in which I sat beside the board had the arrow and word Family pointing at my belly. Every now and then the universe puts out signs to you for the course in which you should take. I try to be one of those people that pays attention to these signs so that I can capitalize on opportunities if need be. Well, there was no sign to capitalize off of today, but I certainly hope this happy accident was the universe's way of telling me this time it's going to work. This pregnancy is going to be fine and at the end of it Marshall and I will have a healthy baby to bring home and love. I know this isn't just our prayer either. I know that there are lots of people, probably even more than we know, who are praying for the same thing for us. I just hope God hears all of our prayers and blesses us with a healthy baby by March.

Stitch and Bitch

I woke up this morning with the hope that I would have a more productive day than I did yesterday, which really wasn't a tall order by any means. As long as I managed to shower before 7pm, it was going to be a far more productive day than Saturday was. Since I missed my Zumba class yesterday morning, I was determined to make it to at least one Cardio Funk class today. And I did! It wasn't until 1pm, so I wasn't asking a lot of myself to manage to get up and make it to class on time. I did, however, actually have a partner in crime this morning. One of our camera guys Chris ended up meeting me there. It was his first time ever going to the class, so not only did I get a good workout but I had a good laugh at Chris trying to master the moves. He was a good sport about it all though and promises me he will attend another class with me. When I first started Zumba I was told to give it three classes before you give up on it, and I have to agree with that. It takes about three classes before you start to get the hang of it and learn some of the moves. Until then you just feel like you are bouncing wildly around not making any rhythmic sense.

Afterwards, I showered and went over to my friend Jen's house. Jen had invited me and some other girls from work over for a Stitch and Bitch session. Yes, the idea was to knit or crochet and gossip and/or bitch about whatever. We did a little stitching (some more than others), very little bitching, but a whole lot of eating. There ended up being six of us girls total although they all ended up coming at different times. To begin with it was just Jen, Tiffany, Lucy and myself. Tiffany proved to be the expert of the group. She rolled out her pouch of knitting needles as a chef would his knives and quickly went to work. Tiffany decided she would knit something easy like a swiffer cover so she could help teach whoever needed her help. Jen and I just looked curiously at her and asked, "a swiffer cover?" Yep. Tiffany makes her own reusable swiffer covers for the ever popular Swiffer mop. Who would have thought of such a thing? Makes total sense to me now. Simply knit, hook on, sweep and then throw in the washer. Brilliant. Before today I didn't know Tiffany very well as she works in the art department office doing graphics and is never on set. But I have since realized that not only is she pretty darn cool, she is very crafty and talented. Not only was she teaching everyone to knit and crochet, but she also came prepared with food she had made for the event - sausage balls and crab dip.

In addition to Tiffany's fares, Jen also supplied us with Cheeze Kurls straight from Michigan and cupcakes. After partaking in it all, I was certainly glad I made it to Cardio Funk class beforehand. I had intended on going to the 5:30pm class of Cardio Funk as well, but I ended up at Jen's until nearly 7pm. It was well worth missing class for though as I had some really good laughs, good food, good company and I did some knitting. While I was pregnant with Nolan, I had started knitting a blue baby blanket. I had managed to do quite a good bit of it before Nolan passed away, but I never could bring myself to pick it up and finish it. Ironically, I had brought the blanket and the knitting with me to Charlotte. I don't know why exactly, but I guess I was hoping that eventually I would feel like knitting again and take it back up. Until today, I never felt like picking the baby blanket back up. I was really glad Jen invited me over to her Stitch and Bitch for it got me knitting again. If this pregnancy goes well, maybe by the end of it I will have a baby blue blanket knitted for our baby - boy or girl. If it ends up being a girl, hopefully I can figure out how to add a pink edge to the blanket.

The Dark Knight Rises

After a couple of days of working really late, staying up even later, and not getting much sleep as a result, today ended up being a total wash for me. I was awakened at 10am by a phone call from my OB/GYN Doctor - Dr. McLean. She is the doctor that delivered Nolan and the only doctor I have seen since. Since I'm pregnant again I was anxious to talk to her and see how to proceed, but I had some difficulty trying to figure out how to leave her a message at the office on Friday. Fortunately, one text to my nurse friend Tifni and that was solved. Tifni's solution? She would text Dr. McLean herself and tell her to call me. And so Dr. McLean did. I told her the news and she responded that she had a feeling that was why I wanted to talk to her. I told her about the appointment I had already scheduled with her for late August, but Dr. McLean seemed as eager to know that everything was okay as I was. She thought it would be best if I had some labs done to test my HCG levels to see if I was having a normal pregnancy. This was music to my ears. I would give anything to know now that things are going well so far instead of finding out at week 10 that they aren't. So hopefully, by mid week Dr. McLean will have that all worked out so I can get the labs done here in Charlotte and sent to her in Wilmington. She is also calling the high risk maternal fetal medicine office to see if they want to see me in August as well. Then she did something I've never in my life had a doctor do - she gave me her cell phone number and told me to call or text her there if I had any questions or problems. Who does that? I don't know any doctors that do that. Not that I blame them. I'm sure they don't want to be bombarded by patients at home. Marshall always said Dr. McLean seemed more like a midwife to him in the way she handled patients. She was more caring and more emotionally invested than most doctors. At least in our situation. I've loved her ever since that day in the hospital, but today I have even more admiration and appreciation for her.

I figured since I was up now, I would call my husband and chat with him a bit. He sounded like he had a full day planned of boating and movies with Dino and his friend. We talked until he had to go meet the guys. Then I turned on the TV, cuddled up on the couch and fell sound asleep again. I awoke mid afternoon to talk to Marshall again for a bit only to go back to sleep. I knew when I woke up again at 6pm that I was in trouble. There was no way I was going to bed at a decent time tonight now. So, I got up, took a shower and went out shopping. On the way I texted a few friends to see if they wanted to catch a movie, but most were already occupied. Fortunately, one of my old college friends, Carl, was equally as bored and ready to get out of the house. So he agreed to meet me and go see The Dark Knight Rises. To kill some time I popped into Barnes and Nobles and of course I ended up leaving with a new book. This one, however, wasn't for me. Ever since Susan had turned me on to the Goodnight series informing me that there was a Goodnight book for every major place in the US, I always looked at bookstores to see if there was one for that town. While I didn't find a Goodnight Charlotte book (as it very well might not exist), I did find a Goodnight North Carolina book. So I bought it. Yes, it is a child's book, but I didn't think of it as buying a book for the baby. Instead, I thought of it as buying a collectors item. Some people collect mugs or spoons for everywhere they go. I've started buying children's books from every place I go. It started on my honeymoon in Hawaii where I bought two children's books on the Hawaiian legends and fairytales. Now every where I go I will first see if they have a Goodnight book and if they don't then I will look for another regional specific children's book.

While it normally takes me a few days to fully process a movie and decide if I really liked it or not, I will say a few initial thoughts about The Dark Knight Rises. First, while it was entertaining I did find it too long. It stalled in the middle for me and I think some of the fight sequences and the sequence with Bruce Wayne in prison were too long. We all knew he was going to make the climb. Did we really have to see him try and fail three times first? And it was so obvious that not only would he make the climb, but that he would make it without the robe that I found that part a bit cheesy and cliché. I like the guy that played Bane, but I found him hard to understand a few times. As my husband the sound guy will tell you, nobody notices good sound but everybody notices bad sound. Yes, Marshall you are correct. Bad sound just takes you out of it. If you can't understand what they are saying, you miss part of the story. I did not, however, realize that Matthew Modine had such a large role in the movie. I worked with him a couple of years ago here in Charlotte on a movie called The Trial. He's a great actor and a really nice person so it was fun to see him on screen in such a blockbuster film. All in all I had a good time, but it was by no means the best of the Dark Knight trilogy. I do feel sad that the opening weekend of this highly anticipated film was tainted by the senseless killing of those people in Colorado. How horrific. I can't even imagine someone doing something like that in a place where people go to escape from reality and be entertained. I heard that out of respect for the victims, the studios have agreed to withhold box office standings over the weekend - an unprecedented weekend in Hollywood.

"I believe movies are one of the great American art forms and the shared experience of watching a story unfold on screen is an important and joyful pastime. The movie theatre is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me. Nothing any of us can say could ever adequately express our feelings for the innocent victims of this appalling crime, but our thoughts are with them and their families."

                                       -Christopher Nolan, director of The Dark Knight

Fraturday

Yet another Friday night that ends in a Fraturday. For those of you with normal hours that don't know what a Fraturday is its where you go to work on Friday and don't get off until sometime in the wee hours of Saturday thus making your Friday a Fraturday. The worst part about Fraturdays is that often following a Fraturday work day we have to then be back to work bright and early on Monday, thus eliminating any type of weekend we may have otherwise had. This weekend will be no exception to this rule. We worked until the wee hours of the morning Saturday and have to be back at work on Monday morning at 7am. Bye bye weekend. Unfortunately, this often becomes the life when working on a television series. If only the writers knew what they were doing to us I'm sure they would stop writing nighttime exterior scenes! Seriously, make all nighttime scenes inside so we can shoot them when it's daylight outside because nobody will ever know.

So, here we were again filming downtown with our kid actors. The only saving grace was that since they were both minors they had to be wrapped by 2am. Now this didn't mean we were done by 2 since we had photo doubles we could use once the kids were wrapped. Fortunately, we only had 2 more shots after Morgan and Timothy went home so we weren't there terribly late. Since the kids didn't work until it got dark, they had gone to see The Dark Knight Rises this afternoon and said it was awesome. Morgan informed me that I have to go see it this weekend so we can talk about it because she really, really liked it and wanted someone to talk to about it. Well, I just may do that. At least if I had to be working until 3am, I was working with one of my favorite actresses on the show. I really do love that kid. She is so talented, yet such a genuine person. We spent some time while they were setting up the shot to just chat and gossip about upcoming episodes and what she knows about her character for the upcoming episodes. She always knows I know more than she does so she tries to get me to spill the beans to her. I never really understood why exactly, but for some reason actors are always the last ones to find out what the upcoming episodes entail. I guess the writers don't want to hear from them until the draft is an official production draft, but I don't see the harm in letting them know the overall general story points.

By the time Morgan and Timothy were wrapped, I too was ready to go. It was late and we no longer had any actors and I was ready for bed. And then my phone started going off. Morgan was home now and texting me to tell me goodnight. She's such a doll. Tomorrow she leaves for a whirlwind trip to NY to do a photo shoot for a magazine and I think she's just a wee bit excited. I'm sure it will be an awesome experience for her and I can't wait to hear about it. Tonight Morgan also found out I'm pregnant again and was so excited for the news. I had to be the voice of reason and remind her it was still really, really early so let's just cross our fingers and hope that it all turns out well. She informed me (as so many other have too) that she just knew it was going to have a good outcome this time. I hope she's right. I hope everyone's right. I can't believe I have to wait until Aug 28th to find out if everything is okay. That's very far from now and it's hard to really get excited until I know that everything is progressing normally right now. First trimesters of any pregnancy are always hit or miss, but after losing a baby I feel an even greater sense of trepidation. I want to tell everyone but at the same time I want to keep it a secret. It's a strange paradox to be in. Most people are over the moon excited when they learn they are pregnant and often don't have a second thought about it. Those people haven't lost a baby. They haven't miscarried and they certainly didn't have a stillborn baby. I just pray that this pregnancy is a healthy and normal one so that I can get to experience the excitement of pregnancy again and ultimately the excitement of a healthy newborn baby.

50 Shades

Some days at work you just have to make your own excitement. Here we were filming in one of those locations that was fairly new, but has become old quick. There really are only so many ways you can film people sitting in front of monitors watching things. Fortunately, we weren't spending our entire day in this drab location. No, after we were done there we got to move outside and ride around on the process trailer all night. Oh boy! There's nothing more risky than doing process trailer work downtown on a night when the drunks are out.

And boy were they out! Two different times we were stopped dead in our tracks on the process trailer due to drunken people. The first time was a drunken brawl that apparently started outside a bar and made its way into the street, thus blocking the intersection. The cops were called as well as an ambulance. It took a good 15-20 minutes before the cops with us could get them to move and clear up the intersection so we could pass. Then, just as we thought we were nearing the end of our process trailer work - BAM! A drunk dude careened into our parked police car that was blocking off the intersection! Really? How stupid can you be? Fortunately, no one got hurt which was amazing to me as the sound from the wreck was jarring. The drunk guys' airbag deployed saving him from injury, but certainly not from jail time.

At least it was a memorable birthday for my friend Monica. Her 50th birthday, to be precise. Now Monica's husband Steve is my husband Marshall's boss. The two of them have worked together for over 20 years now. Steve was a groomsman in our wedding, in fact. He's one of Marshall's oldest and dearest friends. He was also the sound mixer Marshall was working for on Army Wives when Nolan died and Marshall had to leave in the middle of the night. Needless to say, Monica and Steve have a special place in our hearts. Monica herself can feel our pain. While she never loss a child the way we did, she did have a miscarriage but more importantly she lost her sister. Her sister died very unexpectedly in the Canary Islands where she lived. I am not sure exactly the time frame, but I believe it to have only been a couple of years ago. Her sister's death rocked Monica's world, much in the way Nolan's death turned ours upside down. Monica was one of the women that had come together and given us the birth weight pillow so that we could always remember what it was like to hold Nolan in our arms.

So, I thought it was only right that we did something special for Monica's 50th birthday. I had thought I would spend the past weekend shopping for the perfect gift, but my sickness had other plans for me. But not wanting to be empty handed today, I stopped by Barnes and Nobles last night after work to at least pick up a card. Then it dawned on me. I gave my cousin Sandra the book 50 Shades of Grey for her 50th birthday, why not do the same for Monica. It was perfect and funny and heck she might actually enjoy the eroticism of the book. Well, it proved to be a hit. Not only had she not read it, but she was intrigued by the hype surrounding it and wanted to indulge in it herself. Monica's fellow camera department members also did it up right for her birthday. They decorated the camera truck as well as the lunch box room in which we dine. There were 50th birthday balloons everywhere and a huge cake with 50 candles on it. It was fun to watch Monica enjoy her day. I mean who else gets a Hooter Hoister, cake, 50 Shades of Grey and a wreck all on their birthday?!

Lucky Charm

Today was a weird day indeed. What was a suspicion on Monday became a reality this morning when I peed on my second stick of the week and got that all too familiar plus sign. I've become quite the pro at peeing on sticks these days. For over a month I've been peeing on sticks trying to figure out my ovulation schedule since my cycle seems to be all over the place since I had Nolan. According to the ovulation tests, I have ovulated 3 separate times in the past month. Now we all know that can't possibly be true so I guess my body is still confused. Although I've had two regular periods since Nolan's birth, they have not been equal distance apart. That's all fine and good when I spent all my time at home, but I don't want my monthly visitor surprising me one day at work. Besides, since Marshall and I had decided to see if we could pregnant again, I figured monitoring these things would be helpful. By my latest calculations I should have started my period today. But that was accounting for an extremely long cycle, which I don't have. On Monday I couldn't stand the anticipation any more. I had to know. So I peed on a different stick and got a faint but ever present plus sign. Today for good measure I repeated the test with even more conclusive results. We are pregnant again!

As we discussed whether to tell anyone or not, it quickly became apparent to me that we must. We at least had to tell our family and friends that read this blog for if I was going to be accurate and truthful in my blog I couldn't hide this information. It would be like telling a story in which only the good parts are told and all the scary and bad ones are left out. At some point, I had to be honest to myself and I knew that meant writing about this pregnancy. That being said, we aren't under any delusions. It's very, very early on and anything can happen. So for now we are cautiously optimistic. I will make an appointment with my doctor for while I'm home on hiatus in August and hope that when we go we receive good news. After having a first term miscarriage that wasn't diagnosed until my 9 week appointment, I know that a plus sign on a pee stick doesn't mean anything. And after having a baby boy stillborn at week 34, I also know that even once you get past the first trimester with a healthy baby doesn't mean you will be leaving the hospital with one. But for now I'm excited. I feel as though my prayers have been answered. Every night since Nolan's death I have prayed to God for another chance. For a healthy baby this time. Right now it looks as though we might have been given that second chance - third really. Maybe third time really is a charm. If so this baby will always be my lucky charm. My little Irish lucky charm.

Basking in my excitement, it didn't phase me at all today at work when Claire brought up the string test to me. She had seen Morena and I doing it last year and she wanted it done on her before she went for her doctor's appointment next week. Fortunately, we work with wardrobe girls that always have needle and thread on hand and the props department was able to supply us with a number 2 pencil. After assembling the items together I let the pencil dangle above Claire's wrist as she sat anxiously awaiting the results. Our assembling of the items had peaked some curiosity of fellow cast and crew and we quickly had a group around us awaiting the results. For a long while the pencil just bobbed up and down, refusing to swing in either direction. But then it started to move. Back and forth down her arm it swung - a boy! Ironically, this is also what Claire feels as though she is having. For good measure we left the pencil continue to swing and after stopping for some time it then swung perpendicular to her wrist indicating a girl.