You've Got Mail

When working out of town, I rarely get any mail other than bills. What mail I do get is usually a package of bills sent to me by my mom from my house. It is rare that I get anything fun. So imagine my surprise today when I opened my mailbox to see a brown package awaiting me. Delight! It was almost as fun as Christmas morning. I did know that the package would be coming and I did know what was in it, but none of that took away from the excitement over receiving a package. What I didn't expect was to receive it today. I had just received a message yesterday from Karson that she had sent it that day so to receive it the very next day was surprising. Yes, it was my Zumba gear that I won the Friday I left home. Zumba jingle bracelets and Zumba socks! As I rode the elevator up to my floor I smiled thinking of which bright colors they would be in. When I finally got in and opened them I couldn't help but smile. I put the jingle bracelets on and showed the dogs. They too were fascinated by them. I don't know if it was the bright colors or the noise that intrigued them more but I'm sure JoJo was hoping I would give her one to play with. She would inevitably tear every single one of those jingles off the bracelet, not because she hated them but because she loved them so. It's the same thing with squeaky toys. She loves the squeaker so much she can't help but chew and chew and chew trying to get to it until she eventually chews a hole right through it and it no longer squeaks. Then, of course, she has no use for it anymore.

It turns out I wasn't the only one to receive mail while they were out of town this week. Just yesterday Marshall also received some mail - a Father's Day card from our friends Tina and Jaime. It was quite a lovely card and Marshall said it was some of the nicest things any of his friends had ever said to him. It's amazing what a simple card can do for your psyche when you are out of town. The only thing better than a card? - a package of Zumba fun! Now I really can't wait for the weekend so I can go to Zumba class!

Walk It Off

One of the harder things about going back to work is having to give up going to Zumba classes every day. I had thought I might be able to catch a few classes during the week if we got off in time, but so far that has not worked out. I know without the exercise the little bit of extra weight I still have to lose won't come off as easily so it's a bit depressing having to miss Zumba. But, it's more than just the inability to lose the weight as quickly. Zumba had become more to me than just a fun way to lose weight. Zumba became an integral part in my healing process. I know it might not make any sense to most people, but somehow through Zumba I found myself again and I found some peace.

Today when Meredith (our visiting writer) suggested we take a walk during lunch, I was grateful. Not only was it a beautiful day, but we were filming in a very beautiful area of Charlotte. So we spent the lunch break walking around the neighborhood admiring the beautiful houses and stopping to smell the flowers. This was the second time I had spent my lunch with Meredith on a walk and I really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, she left today to go back to LA so I will have to continue the lunchtime walks on my own. It's not every day that we are filming in a place that allows for a lunchtime walk, but hopefully I will be able to sneak one in at least a few days a week. What I realized today was that while it wasn't Zumba, a walk could at least give me the endorphin boost I needed to stay on track with my healing. Sure the walk isn't going to help that much with the weight loss, but I'm more concerned with my mental health these days than anything. In the beginning the weight loss was important because I desperately needed to not look pregnant anymore. I think it's safe to say I no longer look pregnant now and my focus has shifted to improving my mental and emotional health while also continuing to stay physically active. I knew going back to work would be a struggle, but I think the lunchtime walks are a good alternative to Zumba during the week and the weekends will be as jam packed with Zumba classes as I can get them.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

After a couple of days of work, it quickly became apparent to me that work was going to be easier than I had thought. So far it appeared that the physicality of leaving the house was harder than the actual work. Once at work and in the swing of things, my mind was able to focus on the task at hand and not wonder to the dark places that grief takes you. It wasn't until the drive home each night that I allowed myself to think about all the what ifs and the won't be. That was of course until today. I found out early today that a woman I know who should not even be having another kid is in fact having a boy. Ugh. It made me mad. Not mad at her or her situation but mad at the unfairness of life and my situation.

Throughout this whole thing anger is not really what I felt. I have felt cheated, sad, disappointed, hurt and lost but not mad. Marshall and I both agreed that to be mad at God for this would be silly. I don't believe people when they tell me God had a reason. I don't think God had anything to do with Nolan's death. Nature caused Nolan to die. God put all the right people in our path to help us deal with his death and to make the most we could out of it. As Marshall says, God was just as sad at Nolan's death as we were. I can't believe that any God would take the life of a child, especially an infant. I think God has been ever present since we learned of Nolan's death in that he has helped us to find ways of healing by introducing us to the right people at the right time.

There's that poem:

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.


When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.


Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

I've read this poem numerous times throughout my life, but today I'm reminded of it as I struggle to bite my tongue and say what I really want to say to some "friends" of mine. I'm pissed that a person who got pregnant the first go round "accidentally" so that her boyfriend would marry her and drank the whole time she was pregnant, had a perfectly healthy baby. I'm pissed that that same person who was contemplating a divorce is now pregnant again and having a boy. I'm sure she will drink the entire pregnancy again and yet again she will have a perfectly healthy baby boy. Meanwhile, I did everything text book - no caffeine, no alcohol, no food I wasn't supposed to eat and my baby died. It just doesn't seem fair. Life is very cruel today. No I don't wish any harm to this person's baby, I just want my baby to be alive and healthy. I want my son back and I don't understand why people like this person and all the other drug addicts and alcoholics out there can torture their baby for 9 months and their baby is fine! Now how does that make sense. Tifni said in the hospital to us that it just doesn't make sense that this happens to people like us and her and her husband and not to all the people out there that don't want or care for their baby.

So yes, today I'm angry at my situation. And I feel that I'm allowed to be angry. Meanwhile, I have another friend who had an early 2nd term MISCARRIAGE tell me I shouldn't be wasting my time being angry. Really? Really?! She thinks in her mind that our situations are the same. Well, I had a miscarriage before I had Nolan and I'm here to tell you they are vastly different situations. Yes, it sucks losing a baby. But she never even felt her baby move inside her and most people didn't even know she was pregnant. She didn't have her nursery all painted and the furniture all put together and the closet all full of baby clothes. Hell she didn't even know what she was having until her little 5oz baby came out. Just as my situation is different than when my cousin Sandra lost her 5 year old son. Sandra's loss was much greater than my loss. She knew here son for 5 years, I knew mine for 34 weeks. I only felt him kick and move inside me and saw him move and his heart beat on the ultrasound every month. Today I've been biting my tongue with my friend that wants to pretend she is above me in her grieving process because she chose not to be angry. I called Marshall and my Mom to talk about it with them in case I was acting irrationally. They both told me I'm totally valid in my feelings and my thinking and that my friend's miscarriage was vastly different from my situation even though my friend didn't see it that way. Maybe once my friend carries a baby to 34 weeks she will understand what a loss then would be like as opposed to losing a baby at 17 weeks. So today I decided my best bet was to stop texting my friend. I needed to focus back on work anyway. If I didn't cut off all ties with her today then I was going to lose my shit at work. That was something I was not prepared to do. Instead, I went to my car at lunch, turned up the radio and cried and cried. I told myself I would allow myself this time to get over the grief of today and that was it.

The afternoon went much better than the morning. Sometimes you just need a good cry to get it all out and get over it. I came home to find that my "friend" that was expecting a boy had defriended me from Facebook. I can only imagine that my miscarriage friend said something to her, but I'm not that concerned about it. I hadn't heard anything from my pregnant friend when Nolan died so obviously she didn't care that much about me or the pain I was going through. She is one of those friends that comes in to your life for a season and now that season has changed. I no longer need her friendship and realized today that she hasn't been a friend to me for quite some time now. It is cathartic knowing this. I've always been the type of person to hold my friends close and to do anything to keep those friendships, but I feel as though it is time to let this one go. The season has clearly ended on that friendship. Thankfully, I have lifetime friendships that are still strong and thriving and those are the friendships that I have leaned on so desperately during this time. I have also had very strong relationships that have come into my life for the reason of helping me deal with Nolan. It is yet to be seen how strong these relationships will be but I think when you bond over something as deep as the loss of a child that is a bond that is hard to break. Dealing with the loss of our child is something we will always deal with our entire lives so these friends will probably be in it for the lifetime, not just a season.

Early to Rise

Getting up at 5am was something I wasn't looking forward to when going back to work. I'm more of a night owl so early mornings do not come easy for me. I can, however, function on little amounts of sleep so I had that going for me at least. Although Friday had been a more reasonable call time (10am), it was a very busy day for me. I guess in a way it was good to hit the ground running, but I had also been worried I might have trouble focusing. My job is a very detail oriented one so being able to focus for 12 hours is essential. I found on Friday that by being so busy all day I hadn't been able to stop to think about Nolan or focus my attention on anything other than keeping up with the work at hand. The show I had been on prior to Nolan's birth had been a feature film and thus moved at a much slower pace than TV. Needless to say, Friday went off without a hitch and the work day was over before I knew it.

Monday was a different story. The morning looked to be fairly slow for me as we were only shooting one scene before moving locations so there was no chance of block shooting multiple scenes at one time. On top of the prospect of a slow morning, I also had to be at work at 6:30am. I don't think I have been up at that hour since I was in the hospital having Nolan. I had become quite used to sleeping in until 9am. My late morning wake ups were partly due to my inability to sleep well at night. It was usually well in to the wee hours of the morning before I could manage to go to sleep. I don't know why exactly I had such a hard time sleeping at normal hours for it definitely wasn't for lack of being tired. In fact, it seemed as though I was always tired these days. As I mentioned before, staying in bed all day would have been a very easy alternative for me. I could now understand why some people succumb to this option. It's the easy way out. Some days it was all I could do to force myself out of bed at any decent time. Now work was forcing me out of bed. At least sleeping all day would not be an option I could legitimately contemplate for any length of time.

So this morning when my multiple alarms went off at 5am, I jumped out of bed after only a mere 4 hours of sleep. Ugh. This day was going to be rough. Surely, I would be ready for a nap by mid morning. It did prove to not be as draining of a day as I had originally expected. I suppose after the months of emotionally draining day, work was a welcomed diversion. Now I was just mentally exhausted at the end of the day which is much easier of a time than being emotionally spent. I only had one moment early in the day when one of our actors came up to me and told me he had just heard about my news over the weekend. He gave me a big hug and told me how sorry he was to hear about my loss. Other than that, it was work as usual. Maybe I can do this after all. It seems as Marshall was right. Work was a bit cathartic. Work kept me busy throughout the day and gave me something to focus my mind on. Now if I could only get used to the early risings.

Father's Day

Today was Marshall's first Father's Day. I wasn't sure how he would feel today, but I gathered it would be something like what I felt on Mother's Day. It's hard to describe but it was an odd feeling. It was one of those days where everything just felt a little off. This isn't what your first Mother's or Father's Day was supposed to be like. We should be holding our baby boy. Instead, we are trying to hold ourselves together over the loss of our baby boy. Knowing this might be one of those off days for Marshall, I tried to make it as pleasant for him as I could. Some people might think that the best thing to do on days like this is just to ignore it, but I disagree. I know on Mother's Day all I could think of was that I'm a mother now - a mother without a child. It was the oddest feeling to me. It was a day where I just felt like the whole world was backwards from the way it should be. So this morning I gave Marshall a card - the miracle card that I had purchased a week ago. The one that I didn't know exactly why I purchased it at the time but the more I thought about it, the more I decided I wanted to give it to Marshall. I wanted him to be reminded that today when things seem so wrong and backwards that he should remember that everything is a miracle. It was a miracle Nolan was ever here at all - let alone that he lived for nearly 9 months. It was a miracle that we became parents at all and maybe we will be lucky enough to have that miracle happen to us twice. I also gave Marshall two more things to remind him of Nolan. One was some money to help pay for his tattoo he wants to get to remind him of Nolan. The other was a music journal I had found at Barnes and Nobles. Marshall keeps saying how he is looking forward to writing music and using music to help him heal so this journal is a place for him to put that music and his lyrics. Hopefully, it will be overflowing with lyrics soon.

I think now having experienced his first Father's Day, Marshall had a new appreciation for how I felt on Mother's Day. It was nice to be recognized on the day, instead of people pretending like it didn't happen - like I didn't actually become a mother. Sure maybe I'm not a mother in the sense of raising a child, but I certainly was a mother. I grew a baby inside me for 34 weeks and I went through labor and I birthed a baby. I even experienced some of the joys of motherhood - just not the part where I hold my crying newborn baby. Marshall too fathered a baby. He felt him kick inside me, he talked to him, sang to him - did all the things fathers can do before the baby actually comes out. He was there with me holding my hand when I started having contractions and he stayed while I birthed our son. So today he needed to be recognized for the amazing father and husband he is and will be to our future children. I can't wait to see him with them. One thing this whole experience has done for both of us has been to open our eyes. We will have such a different take on life and children from now on.

Before Marshall had to leave to go back to Charleston, we decided to meet some of the crew from Homeland for lunch at the Original Pancake House in Southpark for what they call Dutch Baby Sundays. They started Dutch Baby Sundays last year even though I only went to a few of them and I never ordered a Dutch Baby. The Dutch Baby just happens to be this very decadent crepe that the Original Pancake House makes. It's full of whipped butter, powdered sugar, fresh fruit, lemon juice and syrup. Only two people out of our party of eight tried it. The rest of us settled for normal brunch items - omelets, sausage, bacon, etc. It was a great meal coupled with some really great conversation. We might not have accomplished much today, but we did manage to overcome another first for us - Marshall's first Father's Day.

Do Over

Sometimes the best thing to do when you get off track is just to start over. In a way, I felt like coming to Charlotte and starting a new season of Homeland was a do over. After all, it was when I was in Charlotte for the filming of season one of Homeland that I became pregnant. Now that Marshall and I are talking about trying again to get pregnant it feels like deja vu - only hopefully with a better outcome this time. Who knows how long it might take us to get pregnant, but we are both hopeful that sooner rather than later we will be blessed with a baby to take home and raise. Even though last night was my first night in my apartment, it wasn't until today that I really unpacked and got settled in. Marshall was even here to help me. It did feel a bit like I was starting over today. There is something fun and exciting about being in a new place in a different town. It didn't hurt that this was a part of Charlotte where I've never ever stayed before. Everything about this was new for me and for Marshall. Once unpacked, we decided to wander around the southpark area and get acquainted with the surroundings. It goes without saying, but this of course included a very expensive trip to Southpark Mall. I did manage to start my day off by attending what I thought was Zumba class at the local YMCA. It turned out to in fact be Bollywood class instead. I met Meredith (the writer of the current Homeland episode) there and even though we both expected to be Zumba-ing it up, we did rather enjoy our Bollywood time.

I am sure for people that don't travel for work this is hard to understand, but there is something freeing about being in another city for an extended period of time for work. You are this weird local/tourist hybrid where you neither belong nor are you unwelcome. You get to explore all the things about the new city like a tourist, but then you end up staying so long you eventually become more local than visitor. You become the person out of towners stop to ask for directions. You are the person telling others where the good restaurants and shops are. For however brief of a period as it might be, you become an expert on that city. Okay, so maybe not expert. To be sure, I can still not navigate my way around this town without my handy GPS. Just in case, I have not one, but two of them. I have yet to become an expert on anything in southpark, but in just a week I have managed to become rather acquainted with the Harris Y. Now if you actually went to this Y, you might understand why this would be a feat. My mother-in-law referred to it as the Poor Man's Country Club. I know I've already mentioned how big the Zumba classes are, but the whole Y is quite spectacular. So for a moment today, I was actually the local tour guide as I showed Meredith around the Y - the 2 indoor pools, the gym, the indoor track and the grandiose upstairs exercise room. Even the parking lot is huge. You almost don't even need to go to the gym once you've parked at the outer spaces and walked all the way to the door of the Y. I thought this must surely be the biggest Y in Charlotte, but my husband assured me there were several more just as big, if not bigger.

 The rest of the day was spent with Marshall showing me around this side of Charlotte. A Charlotte native himself, Marshall was well versed in the southpark area. I tried to keep up with all the directions he was giving me but his side trips down memory lane kept confusing me. We drove by the house where Marshall grew up and the junior high he went to. We even drove by where the well used to be but was now covered up - the well where Marshall found his violin. It was a beautiful day and we had a lovely time just driving around. Marshall reminiscing and me listening and trying to keep my bearings. Finally, we ended up back in the neighborhood where we decided to dine at a new place - Taco Mac. The food was pretty good but Marshall was more impressed by the beer taps at our table and our personal TV. It really was a shame that neither of us drink beer but we did snap a picture to send to our beer drinking friends. This would be the perfect place to watch football games and I imagine this restaurant is packed during football season. If you ever go, I highly recommend the queso dip. Yum. So far this was my best day in Charlotte. It did feel like a new start at things. A do over, if you will.

Back to Work

I had always envisioned going back to work after the birth of my baby to be a difficult thing to do. But after the death of my baby, I guess I figured going back to work wouldn't be that difficult. I was wrong. Even though I have a great job that is fun and pays rather decently, I still would have gladly stayed home forever. There was something about losing Nolan that made me just want to stay in the cocoon of unemployment at my house. I knew it was really just the safety net that my house and my family and friends provided that kept me from wanting to return to work. Still, I knew that eventually I must return back to work and face the rest of the world and all the people that didn't know my situation. I was afraid that by leaving my safety net I would also be leaving all the people that knew I still needed to be treated with sensitivity, that this was far from over. So today I started work filming on season 2 of Homeland and boy did it start off with a bang.

I guess in a way it was good to hit the ground running, but I had also been worried I might have trouble focusing. My job is a very detail oriented one so being able to focus for 12 hours is essential. On top of that I got absolutely NO sleep last night. I tried to fall asleep, I really did but I just tossed and turned all night. I'm sure it was just the anticipation of being back in the reality of the world and all, but I also kept finding myself how different I thought this first day back would be. I had always imagined I would be showing up to this season of Homeland with my new baby in tow for everyone to meet. I would have been one of those parents. The one that has a million pictures and videos of their kid and is eager to show them to anyone that wants to see them. Hell, I showed pictures of Nolan to people and he wasn't even alive. He was beautiful though and he deserves to be shown off.

It was a strange day, but all in all it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Marshall was right. Work was a good distraction. I had to pay so much attention to what we were filming and was so busy all day, I scarcely had a moment to myself all day. It was refreshing in a way. Most days I have to work at keeping my mind occupied to keep it from going to the dark places it so easily migrates to.

After work, I was finally able to move in to my new apartment. Since Marshall was on his way up to visit me for the weekend I moved all the boxes in by myself before he arrived. It's a cute little apartment in a great location in Charlotte so hopefully we will have some good times here this season. At the very least, it is within walking distance of Starbucks and the Mac store so that should keep Marshall happy when he visits. It might not have been a really long workday (as we kept it to just 13 hours), but it was an emotionally and mentally draining day. At least I can check another firsts off my list after today.