Sorrow Abides, and Happiness takes his leave

This morning while drinking my favorite coffee - Donut House Coconut Mocha - I started to read some of the quotes on my Shakespearian love mug that Marshall had bought me years ago. One stood out and made me think immediately of Nolan, "When you depart from me, Sorrow abides, and Happiness takes his leave." I imagine this is how I will feel for some time - as though Happiness has taken his leave from me and will never return, letting Sorrow take up permanent residence in my heart. I know this to be untrue, but every day at some point this is how it feels. After a busy day yesterday, today is one of those days where I'm feeling very introspective. I'm thinking of Nolan and questioning why a lot today. I know I can ask why a million times and a million times I will get the same answer - "we don't know." I know this and yet it doesn't stop me from asking. I guess a part of me still clings to the hope that one day I will get a different answer or one day I will wake up from this terrible nightmare and realize I'm still pregnant and Nolan is still alive. I keep thinking how wonderful would that be if this was all just some horrible trick my brain was pulling on me. Of course, it's a horrible trick our brains play on us letting us think that somewhere there might be some hope that he will come back. Marshall told me that the whole time I was in the hospital being induced and then went into labor up until the time Nolan came out he kept hoping and thinking Nolan was still alive. Marshall said he had thought maybe there was a chance they were wrong that he would come out crying and breathing. It indeed is a cruel joke the mind plays on you when you are under stress or dealing with a horrific situation. The mind shouldn't be allowed to give us false hope like that when we know deep down there is no way possible for it to happen.

To try to ward off our introspection and solitude, Marshall and I made dinner plans with our dear friends Susan and Stacey.  We had received several gift cards to Circa 1922 from people, so Marshall and I wanted to do something nice for Susan and Stacey who had given so selfishly of themselves through this all. Stacey not only painted a beautiful mural for us in the nursery, she refused to let us pay her for it. They both stayed with us in the hospital and were shoulders for both of us and our parents to cry on. They cleaned up our house for us and stocked our fridge with groceries. They tried to ease our pain and suffering as much as they good by being the best friends they knew how. We are so blessed to have them and all the other friends and family we have in our lives. I truly don't know how people get through losing a child (or anyone else) without a support system like we have. So many people have commented to me on Facebook that they are amazed by my strength. Well, I'm only as strong as the weakest person around me. If I didn't have my friends and family and wonderful husband holding me, I would certainly have fallen down by now. Sure I believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I also believe he puts all the right people in our paths to make sure we can handle it.