Unanswered Prayers

Today was our 2 week follow up appointment with Dr. McLean to get our lab results back. While in the hospital they drew 26 vials of blood from me to test me for all sorts of things from STDs to blood clotting diseases to thyroid problems. Everything came back NORMAL! Really? Seriously? Then the doctor told us that while she and another high risk doctor both thought that my placenta looked abnormal the pathology on it came back normal. And of course, as we expected the caryotyping on Nolan also came back normal. So there you have it. Scientifically, medically there is no reason why this happened. I didn't fall. I didn't have an infection. I wasn't sick. The baby wasn't sick. No answers.

In a way, we weren't expecting answers. They had warned us of this, but we were still hoping, grasping really, that we might get some. It just seems so illogical that this could happen that you expect there to be some answer. But, it just happened. The only silver lining is that there is nothing wrong with me and the odds of this ever happening again are miniscule.

So what is the beauty I can see in today? I guess it's that I'm healthy and I'm here. For a moment before the doctor came in I worried we were going to get some horrible diagnosis. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe she's going to tell us that we can never have kids again. No, she didn't tell us any of that. I'm healthy and we can start trying to have another child whenever we feel ready again after our 6 weeks post pregnancy hiatus is over.

When I went home, I decided to scan Nolan's footprints into my computer so I could share them with my friends. I posted the image on Facebook and was immediately bombarded with comments about how precious and beautiful it was. And so I'm reminded that while Nolan is not with us the footprint he made on the world is everlasting and beautiful.