What Might Could Have Been at Universal Studios

I had mixed emotions about spending two days trudging around Universal Studios and Walt Disney World, but Marshall seemed to think it was a good idea and so I wanted to try it for him. Most of the day today I felt as though I was going to cry. It was so hard to see all the happy families and to watch Marshall watching all the Dad's carrying their sons on their shoulders. I could see the pain on his face as he watched them knowing that he might never have another son. Sure Marshall and I have decided we want to try again to have a child and I feel as though one day we will be blessed with another child, but Nolan very well might be the only son we will ever have. I was just as excited as Marshall was to be having a little boy. Having grown up an only child, I always wanted an older brother. As an adult that desire turned in to me always wanting to have a little boy first. I never envisioned having only one child if I could help it so I always wanted to have a boy first so he would be the big brother to any that might follow. I certainly never thought any child of mine would pass away before me and certainly not as a baby. I hope for Marshall and myself that we are blessed with another son at some point. I know every man wants a boy, but after being so close to having that bond that only fathers and sons do I know Marsh wants that more than ever before. No future sons we may have will ever be able to take Nolan's place as he will always be our first little boy, but I do pray he wasn't our one and only. I do pray and hope that God thinks Marshall and I are deserving parents and bless us with another child.

While I did see a lot of beauty in today in all the faces of the smiling children, it was hard to appreciate the beauty as I was consumed in my own sorrow for most of the day. It was as if I was robotically going through the motions of having a good time, but not actually enjoying anything. I could tell Marshall was doing the same. Neither of us seemed interested in riding any rides or doing much of anything other than holding hands and mindlessly walking around the park. We must have walked a thousand miles today with the number of times we circled the park.  Our day finally changed mid afternoon when we decided to stand in line at the Spiderman ride.  Marshall is not a fan of rides by any means as he is frightened of heights but this was a simulated ride so we thought it might be cool. Cool, indeed it was.

We piled into a car of about 8 people and off we went with our 3D glasses on. Intense was an understatement. Not only were the holograms jumping at us, but every time they jumped on the car, it bounced, every time they threw something at us you could feel the gust of air as it whizzed by. Perhaps nothing else in the park is worth the ride, but Spiderman is worth the adventure. It was the first pure enjoyment I had had since Nolan's death. Marshall and I were both still smiling long after the ride was over and the 3D super world was traded in for the 2D world I now feel as though I live in.

Still on an endorphine high, Marshall and I stopped off for some ice cream which always makes even the bluest blues disappear. We sat on a shady bench to enjoy it, only to realize we just parked our butts right besides the stroller parking. Great. I looked at all the empty strollers and it appeared they were a metaphor for my current situation. Here were all the makings for a happy child - a good stroller with all the necessary goodies shoved into the pockets, but all of them empty. And here sat Marshall and I - good parents with all the necessary wisdom and loving arms to wrap a kid in, but empty. Our ice cream all of a sudden seemed much less appealing, so we decided to walk while we finished eating them.

After we walked a few more laps around the park and our ice cream was long gone, we realized the day was about over and we were ready to head home. But first, I convinced Marshall to ride one more ride with me - a water ride. I don't even know the name of the ride but they seem to have one at just about every park. Its the one that sits about 10-12 people in a round raft that floats down the rapids soaking everyone in the raft at some point during the ride. If you don't get drenched by a rising rapid, you get soaked by a water grenade or dowsed by a waterfall. Marshall was reluctant to get on the ride but since we were leaving to go home, he figured why not. It's almost impossible to not smile and laugh as you watch everyone in the raft take turns getting soaked, but what made me smile the most was the little boy sitting beside me. He was a blonde haired boy of about five or six and sitting next to him was older brother of probably about ten years of age. Both little boys had their whole faces painted to make them look like an animal. The blonde boy was obviously painted like some mythical creature that doesn't actually exist as his whole face was navy blue, outlined in gold sparkles. His bright blue eyes pierced through the navy face and his smile brought a happiness to the mythical creature that was endearing. He kept looking at me and laughing and smiling even though he appeared somewhat distraught that his family made him ride this wet ride. His little hands gripped the handle bar as he looked around wildly for the next hidden water grenade to bomb him. But every time he did he then smiled and laughed for a moment until once again preparing his sodden face for the next attack.  I left the park with that image of the little boy in my mind as Marshall and I slodged our way back to the car with our soaking wet pants and shoes. We giggled on the way back at how soaking wet we were and how thankful we were to be going home after that. In  a way, that water ride was cleansing to us both. It helped to wash away the sorrow of the day and show us that we could look at other little boys and still get enjoyment out of their faces. Not once did I look at the little boy on that ride and think of Nolan. I only saw that little boy for who he was, not what he might could have been.