Finding the beauty

The bulk of today was spent driving in Marshall's beamer from Wilmington, NC to Orlando, FL. It took us awhile to decide when we were going, but we finally knew that we just need to get away. We needed to get out of the house and away from it all in order to be able to come back and have a different perspective on things.

And so we packed up the BMW and headed south. Surely if the change of scenery didn't do it for us, the warmer climate was bound to heal the soul. It was on the way down to Florida that I posted the status update that would end up being the catalyst and direction this blog was going to take. I decided that instead of focusing on Nolan and his death and all the negative things about my life right now, I was going to try to focus on finding something beautiful no matter how miniscule it might be. Every day, I was going to approach life by trying to see the beauty in that day. I believe this is the only way I'm going to survive this. And so to hold myself accountable, I posted it on Facebook to let people know I was hoping to find something beautiful each day.

One of my dear friends reminded me that all I really needed to do was look to my left at my husband driving the car and I would see something beautiful. She was right. Not only is my husband a beautiful man in the physical sense but he is a beautiful person on the inside. Without his strength and love I don't think I would be able to make it through this. Even in the hospital I was amazed at how strong he ended up being. Someone that has probably the weakest stomach on the planet and was extremely worried about making it through the labor process without passing out was able to stand there like a rock while he watched me scream in pain and later push out our dead, lifeless son. Not only did he stand there and hold my hand and pull my leg up with each contraction, he watched Nolan come out and witnessed the birth of his son. And so I looked to my left and I did indeed see something beautiful - Marshall. A man who watched our dead son being born and hugged me afterwards and said, "I want to try again whenever you are ready because now more than ever I want to be a Dad."

I smiled as we drove and rolled down my window breathing in some fresh air. Perhaps the air down here would breath some new life into me. I took a deep breath and let the clean Florida air fill my lungs and cleanse my soul. I knew then that I would be alright. Marshall and I would be alright. Life would go on and we would live and grow from this. As we drew closer to our destination, the day drew to a close and we watched a beautiful sunset over the Florida coast. Beautiful sunsets are not something we see much of on the North Carolina coast so it was a beautiful sight to Marshall and me. It lit up the whole sky with a warm orange hue that cast a beautiful glow on the ground before it quickly disappeared engulfing the whole sky in a deep red the navy blue. It was breathtaking and a beautiful way to start my journey of finding the beauty in life.