Some people are collectors - of coins, dolls, shot glasses, you name it. I am one of those people. My whole life I have collected angels. I don't know why really and I can't tell you when it began. I have not a tremendous collection but enough to say I collect them. Some are more beautiful than others. Some are beautiful handblown glass pieces, others are clay sculpted, but most of them are porcelain. I was thinking that when we decide where we are going to put Nolan's urn that I would get an angel and put beside it. Originally, I had planned to just buy a new angel just for that purpose, but it got me thinking so I decided to gather all my angels together and have a look at them. I can tell you where I got a lot of the angels - mostly as gifts from my parents, aunts, friends or ex-boyfriends. Yet there are some I don't know their origins at all. Perhaps I had them as such a young child that I don't remember or they were angels my grandparents had that I inherited after they passed away.
One such angel caught my attention. I don't know where I got it from or how long I've had it but it seems like it just appeared and that I've quite possibly had it my whole life. It's one of the smallest angels I have and is porcelain and pure white. For some reason it always reminded me of a small child while most of my other angels look like women. I thought maybe this would be a good angel for Nolan's urn. When I went to pull the child angel out of its resting place I noticed that one of the wings was broken and that beside it was the broken piece. I don't remember the angel getting broken, as I'm sure I would have tried to fix it before putting it back. Immediately I thought I must fix it or I will never be able to use it for Nolan's angel. Nolan's angel must be perfect. But, I set the child angel out anyway until I could get some super glue to fix it.
As the day went on I passed by that angel many, many times and something always made me glance and look at it. By the end of the day, I decided I would never fix the broken wing that there was something beautiful about the broken angel. Marshall refers to himself these days as broken. At least that's how he feels. It's as if something inside him broke when Nolan died and it can't be super glued back together. No amount of mending will ever fix either of us, just as though no amount of super glue will fix the angel. From a distance, it will appear whole but upon further inspection you will see the break and where it has been held back together. That is how Marshall and I will always be. We will be forever broken, held back together only by the very fragile stitches that our friends, family and the future sew for us. From a distance and to strangers we will look whole, but upon further inspection people will be able to see the small break inside us.
The broken angel is not only a representation of what Nolan's passing left to those of us on earth, but how I feel about Nolan. Although perfect in every way, something inside with Nolan (maybe just the placenta) was broken and caused Nolan's passing. Something that, had Nolan been in the outside world instead of inside my belly, he could have probably been saved and mended back together. But since he wasn't he too is forever broken. And so his angelic form in heaven is like that of the broken angel figurine.
I always knew angels existed, for that is why I was drawn to read about them and collect them. I believed in angels always and I hoped that somewhere looking down on me was my guardian angel. As a child I always looked for signs of angels in the heavens, in clouds, in the stars. I had always hoped that I would be so lucky as to see an angel, I just didn't know that one day God would give me one of my own. I certainly never imagined in a million years that I would get to hold an angel. There was only a small group of people in that hospital early that morning when Nolan was born. And only a small group of people that saw him, touched him, and held him. I will forever remember those people - my family, my friends, the doctor and the nurses. There is one thing that will forever bind all of us together. Only that small group of people can go forth in the world and say with confidence, "I held an Angel."
Some people are collectors - of coins, dolls, shot glasses, you name it. I am one of those people. My whole life I have collected angels. I don't know why really and I can't tell you when it began. I have not a tremendous collection but enough to say I collect them. Some are more beautiful than others. Some are beautiful handblown glass pieces, others are clay sculpted, but most of them are porcelain. I was thinking that when we decide where we are going to put Nolan's urn that I would get an angel and put beside it. Originally, I had planned to just buy a new angel just for that purpose, but it got me thinking so I decided to gather all my angels together and have a look at them. I can tell you where I got a lot of the angels - mostly as gifts from my parents, aunts, friends or ex-boyfriends. Yet there are some I don't know their origins at all. Perhaps I had them as such a young child that I don't remember or they were angels my grandparents had that I inherited after they passed away.
One such angel caught my attention. I don't know where I got it from or how long I've had it but it seems like it just appeared and that I've quite possibly had it my whole life. It's one of the smallest angels I have and is porcelain and pure white. For some reason it always reminded me of a small child while most of my other angels look like women. I thought maybe this would be a good angel for Nolan's urn. When I went to pull the child angel out of its resting place I noticed that one of the wings was broken and that beside it was the broken piece. I don't remember the angel getting broken, as I'm sure I would have tried to fix it before putting it back. Immediately I thought I must fix it or I will never be able to use it for Nolan's angel. Nolan's angel must be perfect. But, I set the child angel out anyway until I could get some super glue to fix it.
The broken angel is not only a representation of what Nolan's passing left to those of us on earth, but how I feel about Nolan. Although perfect in every way, something inside with Nolan (maybe just the placenta) was broken and caused Nolan's passing. Something that, had Nolan been in the outside world instead of inside my belly, he could have probably been saved and mended back together. But since he wasn't he too is forever broken. And so his angelic form in heaven is like that of the broken angel figurine.
I always knew angels existed, for that is why I was drawn to read about them and collect them. I believed in angels always and I hoped that somewhere looking down on me was my guardian angel. As a child I always looked for signs of angels in the heavens, in clouds, in the stars. I had always hoped that I would be so lucky as to see an angel, I just didn't know that one day God would give me one of my own. I certainly never imagined in a million years that I would get to hold an angel. There was only a small group of people in that hospital early that morning when Nolan was born. And only a small group of people that saw him, touched him, and held him. I will forever remember those people - my family, my friends, the doctor and the nurses. There is one thing that will forever bind all of us together. Only that small group of people can go forth in the world and say with confidence, "I held an Angel."
This is beautiful,Kara. I am so glad that I was one of the lucky ones that got to hold Our Little Angle,Nolan !!
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