A Month

After spending the day unmotivated to leave the house, I finally noticed the date on my phone - April 30th. It's been one month since I gave birth to my son Nolan. A month in which everything seems a blur still. If Nolan would have been born when we last heard his heart beating at the doctor's office, he would be 5 weeks old today and alive. It's heartbreaking to think there might have been a way to save him, a way for him to still be here. But even all the advances medicine has made has not been able to save a baby from dying in the womb unexpectedly. If he had been out and had problems, they probably could have saved him.

I did manage to make it outside long enough to get the mail and I saw that our flower beds had bloomed overnight. Deep burgundy blooms popped up to remind me there is something beautiful for me to see every day, even if I don't leave my house.

Sorrow Abides, and Happiness takes his leave

This morning while drinking my favorite coffee - Donut House Coconut Mocha - I started to read some of the quotes on my Shakespearian love mug that Marshall had bought me years ago. One stood out and made me think immediately of Nolan, "When you depart from me, Sorrow abides, and Happiness takes his leave." I imagine this is how I will feel for some time - as though Happiness has taken his leave from me and will never return, letting Sorrow take up permanent residence in my heart. I know this to be untrue, but every day at some point this is how it feels. After a busy day yesterday, today is one of those days where I'm feeling very introspective. I'm thinking of Nolan and questioning why a lot today. I know I can ask why a million times and a million times I will get the same answer - "we don't know." I know this and yet it doesn't stop me from asking. I guess a part of me still clings to the hope that one day I will get a different answer or one day I will wake up from this terrible nightmare and realize I'm still pregnant and Nolan is still alive. I keep thinking how wonderful would that be if this was all just some horrible trick my brain was pulling on me. Of course, it's a horrible trick our brains play on us letting us think that somewhere there might be some hope that he will come back. Marshall told me that the whole time I was in the hospital being induced and then went into labor up until the time Nolan came out he kept hoping and thinking Nolan was still alive. Marshall said he had thought maybe there was a chance they were wrong that he would come out crying and breathing. It indeed is a cruel joke the mind plays on you when you are under stress or dealing with a horrific situation. The mind shouldn't be allowed to give us false hope like that when we know deep down there is no way possible for it to happen.

To try to ward off our introspection and solitude, Marshall and I made dinner plans with our dear friends Susan and Stacey.  We had received several gift cards to Circa 1922 from people, so Marshall and I wanted to do something nice for Susan and Stacey who had given so selfishly of themselves through this all. Stacey not only painted a beautiful mural for us in the nursery, she refused to let us pay her for it. They both stayed with us in the hospital and were shoulders for both of us and our parents to cry on. They cleaned up our house for us and stocked our fridge with groceries. They tried to ease our pain and suffering as much as they good by being the best friends they knew how. We are so blessed to have them and all the other friends and family we have in our lives. I truly don't know how people get through losing a child (or anyone else) without a support system like we have. So many people have commented to me on Facebook that they are amazed by my strength. Well, I'm only as strong as the weakest person around me. If I didn't have my friends and family and wonderful husband holding me, I would certainly have fallen down by now. Sure I believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I also believe he puts all the right people in our paths to make sure we can handle it.

I Held An Angel

Some people are collectors - of coins, dolls, shot glasses, you name it. I am one of those people. My whole life I have collected angels. I don't know why really and I can't tell you when it began. I have not a tremendous collection but enough to say I collect them. Some are more beautiful than others. Some are beautiful handblown glass pieces, others are clay sculpted, but most of them are porcelain. I was thinking that when we decide where we are going to put Nolan's urn that I would get an angel and put beside it. Originally, I had planned to just buy a new angel just for that purpose, but it got me thinking so I decided to gather all my angels together and have a look at them. I can tell you where I got a lot of the angels - mostly as gifts from my parents, aunts, friends or ex-boyfriends. Yet there are some I don't know their origins at all. Perhaps I had them as such a young child that I don't remember or they were angels my grandparents had that I inherited after they passed away.

One such angel caught my attention. I don't know where I got it from or how long I've had it but it seems like it just appeared and that I've quite possibly had it my whole life. It's one of the smallest angels I have and is porcelain and pure white. For some reason it always reminded me of a small child while most of my other angels look like women. I thought maybe this would be a good angel for Nolan's urn. When I went to pull the child angel out of its resting place I noticed that one of the wings was broken and that beside it was the broken piece. I don't remember the angel getting broken, as I'm sure I would have tried to fix it before putting it back. Immediately I thought I must fix it or I will never be able to use it for Nolan's angel. Nolan's angel must be perfect. But, I set the child angel out anyway until I could get some super glue to fix it.

As the day went on I passed by that angel many, many times and something always made me glance and look at it. By the end of the day, I decided I would never fix the broken wing that there was something beautiful about the broken angel. Marshall refers to himself these days as broken. At least that's how he feels. It's as if something inside him broke when Nolan died and it can't be super glued back together. No amount of mending will ever fix either of us, just as though no amount of super glue will fix the angel. From a distance, it will appear whole but upon further inspection you will see the break and where it has been held back together. That is how Marshall and I will always be. We will be forever broken, held back together only by the very fragile stitches that our friends, family and the future sew for us. From a distance and to strangers we will look whole, but upon further inspection people will be able to see the small break inside us.

The broken angel is not only a representation of what Nolan's passing left to those of us on earth, but how I feel about Nolan. Although perfect in every way, something inside with Nolan (maybe just the placenta) was broken and caused Nolan's passing. Something that, had Nolan been in the outside world instead of inside my belly, he could have probably been saved and mended back together. But since he wasn't he too is forever broken. And so his angelic form in heaven is like that of the broken angel figurine.

I always knew angels existed, for that is why I was drawn to read about them and collect them. I believed in angels always and I hoped that somewhere looking down on me was my guardian angel. As a child I always looked for signs of angels in the heavens, in clouds, in the stars. I had always hoped that I would be so lucky as to see an angel, I just didn't know that one day God would give me one of my own. I certainly never imagined in a million years that I would get to hold an angel. There was only a small group of people in that hospital early that morning when Nolan was born. And only a small group of people that saw him, touched him, and held him. I will forever remember those people - my family, my friends, the doctor and the nurses. There is one thing that will forever bind all of us together. Only that small group of people can go forth in the world and say with confidence, "I held an Angel."

I Am HOPE

This past February 14 was my mother's 7 year mark for surviving breast cancer. Today I was able to go to the opening ceremonies at the Relay For Life and watch my mother and all the other survivors out there take the opening lap to start the relay. It gives me hope that if all these people can endure such pain and suffering and be here today laughing and smiling and happy to be alive, than I too can endure this heartache I am feeling. One day I too will be here laughing and smiling and happy that while my son might not be alive, I am. I think there was a point in the hospital when my fever spiked to 103.7 and I was pretty out of it that my husband worried that he might lose me too. Days later he said to me: "I would much rather have not lost Nolan at all, but if I had to choose him or you - I would choose him. If you are still here, we can make another baby but we can't make another you." So today was a day of celebration in seeing my Mom healthy, myself healthy, and I even had a visit by my Aunt Jo who also battled breast cancer and won the fight. I think the beauty of today was the lesson it taught me in HOPE. Hope for happiness, health, and a future. If my Mom, my Aunt Jo, my sister-in-law Kriszta and all the rest of the survivors I saw tonight could battle such a crippling disease as cancer and come out alive and well then I surely will survive this. To think of my Mom when she told me she had breast cancer and how scared she was and then to see her tonight smiling and happy that she beat it made me smile. Any strength I have demonstrated throughout this hardship is absolutely strength I have gained from my mom.

American Idol

The highlight of my weeks are Wednesdays. On Wednesday evenings I get together with a group of my girlfriends (several of whom I've known since high school). We laugh, we eat, we watch American Idol. I've been toting Marshall along for the past few weeks as it's good for the both of us to laugh a little and be around such positive energy as my friends put off. Each week we rotate who's house we go to and in turn who cooks. This week it was Stacey's house - the chief of us all. In fact, we've tried to convince her to start a blog or a cooking show or something - I'm pretty sure it would take off. Marshall requested "some yummy shit with plenty of cheese" and of course "something sweet." So, for Marshall Stacey made a killer chicken lasagna and this decadent desert she found on pinterest. I couldn't tell you the name of it, but it involved yogurt, bananas, strawberries and chocolate. Marshall's eyes just lit up seeing it. It was great to see him excited about something again. He had not one, but two slices! 

On an American Idol note, Shea once again spent the evening trying to convince us all Elise was a terrible person so it didn't matter if she could sing or not. Shea is convinced Elise has an attitude and every time the poor girl was in front of the camera Shea pointed out how she smirked or disagreed with the judges. I do think Elise can sing, but Marshall was right - she picks all the wrong songs. She picks songs to try to showcase her musical knowledge and range, not to showcase her musical abilities. For instance, tonight she picked a song that was meant to show off a bluesy voice AND excellent guitar work but Elise only has a bluesy voice. She only gave us one side of the song and it fell flat. And for the record, I believe the judges are trying to sway the voice - Joshua is not that good so you all can sit your asses down. Seriously, why do they fell the must stand up every time he sings. Granted, he has had some killer songs but not every song is warranted a standing ovation from the judges. At some point, the standing ovation becomes pointless because you do it every single time. It's like telling someone "I Love you." After a while it becomes habit and you aren't even sure you mean it anymore. I mean, sure you probably do, but it has lost some of its meaning, hasn't it? FYI, my husband and I don't say it every time we talk on the phone. Really, you talk to your husband how many times a day, do you really have to say it every single time you hang up? Sure we tell each other on a daily basis, but not at the end of every conversation. We don't want it to be a habit. We want it to be words we say because we feel it, not because it is an automated response like "fine" is after you're asked "how are you?"

Dog = God

Ever since Marsh and I braved the nursery we have been able to leave the door open. Now from time to time I find the dogs lounging in there even though they never ever went in there before. It's strange how sometimes it seems as though they know exactly what is going on.

The Lamp

Marshall suggested we continue shopping today for a lamp for the nursery and I'm glad he did because we found one.

Bagpipes

Britt's Donuts

Night Light

Well we didn't decide on a lamp today but we did find this groovy nightlight for the ocean room (aka nursery). Amazing how such a faint glow can shed new light on a situation. Perhaps now we can put off finding that lamp for awhile longer.

Boppy Pillow Comfort

During my pregnancy with Nolan, my husband bought me a maternity Boppy pillow which I snuggled with religiously. After Nolan was born, I continued to snuggle with it for a week. While I no longer used it to cradle my swollen belly, I used it for comfort and support to my aching body. Once I felt stronger, I tossed it to the side of the bed. Tonight, my dog Buster has put it to a new use as he decided it had been discarded long enough that he could now lay claim to it himself. As Marshall and I prepared for bed, I found Buster curled up on the floor by my side of the bed with his head propped up on the Boppy pillow. Perhaps it is now bringing him comfort as I know both of our dogs have sensed the sadness that has come over both Marshall and me. 

Wonderful Wednesdays

It's once again my favorite time of the week - Wednesdays. Now usually when I'm working I would say that the weekends are my favorite but that is really because when I'm working I'm never off in time to spend Wednesday nights with my friends. Unfortunately, I work in a business where our days are a minimum of 12 hour days and we never go in or get off at the same time every day. But, when I'm not working I plan my week around Wednesdays. If I have to go out of town I make sure I'm back by Wednesday nights or I don't leave until Thursdays. The reason is not because of a TV show. Heck we DVR the TV show anyway so that we can fast forward through all the commercials. The reason is the friendship. It is one night a week that if we are in town and don't have to work and aren't sick that we all get together. And the group all get along so well and have so much fun with each other. I really am going to miss these nights when I leave town and go back to work.

Today was a really good day all around. Marshall and I took the boat back out and puttered around the Intercoastal. Then it was American Idol night at our house. As always it was lots of laughs and good company.

Unanswered Prayers

Today was our 2 week follow up appointment with Dr. McLean to get our lab results back. While in the hospital they drew 26 vials of blood from me to test me for all sorts of things from STDs to blood clotting diseases to thyroid problems. Everything came back NORMAL! Really? Seriously? Then the doctor told us that while she and another high risk doctor both thought that my placenta looked abnormal the pathology on it came back normal. And of course, as we expected the caryotyping on Nolan also came back normal. So there you have it. Scientifically, medically there is no reason why this happened. I didn't fall. I didn't have an infection. I wasn't sick. The baby wasn't sick. No answers.

In a way, we weren't expecting answers. They had warned us of this, but we were still hoping, grasping really, that we might get some. It just seems so illogical that this could happen that you expect there to be some answer. But, it just happened. The only silver lining is that there is nothing wrong with me and the odds of this ever happening again are miniscule.

So what is the beauty I can see in today? I guess it's that I'm healthy and I'm here. For a moment before the doctor came in I worried we were going to get some horrible diagnosis. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe she's going to tell us that we can never have kids again. No, she didn't tell us any of that. I'm healthy and we can start trying to have another child whenever we feel ready again after our 6 weeks post pregnancy hiatus is over.

When I went home, I decided to scan Nolan's footprints into my computer so I could share them with my friends. I posted the image on Facebook and was immediately bombarded with comments about how precious and beautiful it was. And so I'm reminded that while Nolan is not with us the footprint he made on the world is everlasting and beautiful.

Water Cleanses My Soul

My whole life I have been drawn to the water. When I was younger my family joked that I was a fish. In the summers you couldn't get me out of the water. I loved spending my summer days out at my Aunt Jo and Uncle Brooks' lake house. I'm pretty sure I learned to swim out at that lake. Sleepy Creek growing up was always my safe place. I loved being there and felt a calmness being there. And then when I was 14 my 5 year old cousin Christopher drowned there. It was the most horrific thing I had ever experienced - having a beloved child die. That was, of course, until that beloved child was my own. In the last few weeks I have developed a new found appreciation for my cousin Sandra. I never realized before how strong she was and how well she managed to deal with the loss of her son. For the rest of my life I will always think only of Nolan on March 30. I still daily take time to think of Nolan and grieve him and I am sure I will for many many days to come. Sandra, however, was not allotted that time. Sandra had another child - Christopher's twin sister, Brandy. Every year since Christopher's death Sandra cannot take the day to remember him and honor him. She has had to instead plan birthday parties and put on a happy face and celebrate Brandy. It was, after all, her birthday too. Even immediately following Christopher's death she had to pull herself together and smile and hug her daughter. Brandy was only five years old too. She didn't understand what all the crying was for and she certainly didn't understand where her brother had gone.

In some regards, I think well maybe this wouldn't be so hard if I had another child for then at least I could throw all my love towards that child. But another child makes it harder to grieve the loss. You have to be strong for the surviving child.

People say everything happens for a reason. My Nana and Granddaddy lost their firstborn child, Jewel, when she was two. Jewel died of pneumonia. Perhaps Jewel died so my grandparents could relay their learnings from her death to my cousins who would experience a tragedy of their own. My grandparents have all passed on. The last one when I was 19. My cousin Sandra came to see me at the hospital. She could hardly manage to be in the room. You could see in her eyes that my loss brought back all the memories of her loss. She doesn't need to be here now, because I learned what I needed to learn from her years ago when I watched her go through it. I watched how she handled Christopher's death and I watched her every year since then. She got through it and she has had happiness again. I will too. It makes me wonder who Nolan is going to help? Who is going to be touched and will learn something from Nolan's death? Who will draw strength from my experience? Perhaps that's why I write my feelings down. Maybe somewhere someone will read them and it will be exactly what they needed to read in order to help them through their own pain and suffering. I don't know the answer but I have to believe that there is one.

Somewhere out there, maybe even across the wide ocean of ours someone will be affected by Nolan's death. There will be a reason it happened. A reason far greater reaching than any I could imagine.


This afternoon Marshall and I spent some time on the boat for the first time this year. It was refreshing to be out on the Intercoastal even if only for an hour. We just rode around Wrightsville Beach and soaked up some sunshine and breathed in some salt air. There is something about the ocean that is just cleansing and healing. Every time I am near the ocean water I instantly feel more whole as if the ocean is pouring inside of me and filling up the whole which Nolan's death left in me.

Doggie Surprises

Farmer's Market Fun

Today was our last day in Florida with Luke and Jessica. After staying up late last night chatting with them, we were all pretty slow to awake. Except of course Jessica who gets up at the crack of dawn every day and is revving to go. She's like my Dad. My Dad I don't think has ever slept past 7am in his life. Come to think of it, Jessica and my Dad have the same birthday - years apart, of course. Maybe there's something to do with the day you are born shaping what time of person you are going to be, or at least what time of morning person you will be. Myself, I am NOT a morning person. Ask me to stay up all hours of the night and I can but ask me to get up at 5am and you will not see a happy camper.

So after several cups of coffee and showers, we were all finally ready to go. So we drove into Jacksonville to have brunch at their favorite spot and then went down to the river for their Farmer's Market. We browsed the vegetables and fruit, but settled on some homemade Naan bread and natural honey soap. There was live music and some amazing artwork that Marshall and I considered buying until we realized we needed more wall space in our house to hang it on. It was a beautiful day and the Farmer's Market reminded me of the Azalea Festival in Wilmington, only smaller. After such a pleasant morning with two of our dearest friends, Marshall and I reluctantly said our goodbyes and packed up the car to leave.

Dolphins

 It's our last official day in Orlando and Marshall and I are spending it at SeaWorld, but first we took a detour by to meet our friend Dino's son Dylan. I had mixed emotions about meeting Dylan - I wanted to since we were in Florida but didn't we come to Florida to escape the fact that we just lost our son? Marshall and I both struggled yesterday with this since Dino arrived in Florida and started texting us to come get together with him and meet his son. I knew once we met him we would be glad that we did, but on the other hand I felt like the trip was all of a sudden becoming about us meeting Dylan and not about us grieving the loss of our own son. After a long day at Disney yesterday and a quiet dinner at our hotel restaurant, Marshall and I both came to terms with the fact that we were going to meet Dylan today.

 And so this morning we ventured over to Mindy's house where Dino was staying and meet his five month old son Dylan. I held him and played with him but saw that Marshall had no interest in holding him. Nolan was the first baby Marshall had ever held and he was petrified to hold him up until the day he came out and then all that fear went away. Perhaps he is waiting until we have another child before he will ever hold someone else's.

 After the brief visit with Dino and Dylan, Marshall and I went to SeaWorld. Neither of us had been there since we were children, but there is something about the ocean and the creatures in it that has always been calming to me. While on the boat or out surfing, we are always mesmerized when we see dolphin or a sea turtle. So of course my first stop at SeaWorld was the Dolphin Cove and we just happened to make it in time for the Dolphin show. Oh what a treat! It truly was the first time I really felt bliss since Nolan's death. Watching these miraculous animals as they jumped and played and interacted with their trainers took my breath away. Some say that dolphins are a

 message of wellbeing to the pure at heart. I for one believe they are. There is something indescribable about them. Just by watching them I am immediately put at ease and a wave of serenity rushes over me. Maybe they are my power animal or maybe they are one of those creatures put here on earth to show us God's love for us. It is obvious to me that dolphins' capacity for knowledge is much greater than our own. Marshall even noted how the dolphins seem to get enjoyment out of the trivial things their trainers had them do, as if they were mocking us at thinking their limits of understanding us were to splash us and jump on command.