Ready, SET, Go

Marshall was up early today as he had to go to work. Yes, occasionally we have to film on the weekends and wouldn't you know Marshall's first week back to work and he has to work on a weekend. The good thing was that Susan had never been on a film set so we were able to take her to one today before she and Stacey had to head back home. Our friend Shea was supposed to come to Charleston this weekend too, but since she couldn't we decided to bring her along via a picture on our phones. Yesterday, Susan and Stacey took a picture with the hotel employees holding Susan's phone with Shea on it. Today, we decided to take some pictures with Shea at Army Wives. Fortunately, the actors were all great sports about it and posed with the most crazy picture we could possibly find of Shea - she was hanging upside down in Dino's traction device and trying to get up while Susan was holding it so she couldn't.

I knew that while going by set would be fun for Susan, it posed to be hard for me. There were lots of people down there that I hadn't seen since Nolan's passing that I knew would want to hug me and tell me in person how sorry they were. It's not that I don't want people doing this, it's just that it doesn't get any easier. Sometimes it is easier to handle than others and I had just hoped that it would go okay. I got chocked up a couple of times, but fortunately I did not cry on set. Marshall was in a really good mood. I think having us come visit him on set gave him something to look forward to and be excited about. It was especially fun for him to show Susan around since it was all brand new to her.

We had a fun afternoon sight seeing as we drove by Rainbow Row and the battery and then stopped to play in the Waterfront Park fountain. It was another beautiful day and it was fun to really enjoy Charleston. We had a lot of fun playing around in the fountain and taking pictures without getting too terribly wet. I guess because Marshall has worked down there for 5 years now and since his parents live down there, when we are down there we never really sight see much or really enjoy any of downtown Charleston. We spend most of our time in Mount Pleasant with his parents. I guess it is the same with any town you live in, you tend to avoid the tourist spots. We most certainly avoid the beach on big tourist weekends and instead opt to go out in our boat if anything.


Eventually, Susan and Stacey had to leave. After such a busy and fun weekend I probably would have had a hard time dealing the alone time between when the girls left and Marshall got home from work. Fortunately though my in-laws were around so I was able to spend some time hanging out with them and catching up. It was nice as I have not seen them since they were at the hospital with us when Nolan passed away. I was glad to have some time with them that wasn't filled with sadness. Gary and I had a glass of wine and then Susan and I chatted while Gary put the burgers on the grill. Marshall got off just in time to make it home for a late dinner. I wish I could stay down here longer. Even though Marshall is working 12 hours a day, it's still nice to see him for a few hours every night and to sleep in the same bed again. It's been amazing how much better I've slept while down here. Maybe it's been because of all the excitement and walking, but more probably it is because of the comfort I feel to have my husband around. I often wish our jobs were so that we were able to spend all of our nights together at home in our own bed. I know Marshall wishes that same thing, especially now. But until we become independently wealthy, I just don't think that will happen for us.

The Market

If Nolan had been born on his due date he would be one week old today. I thought about this today as I headed to the Market in downtown Charleston with my husband and friends Stacey and Susan. The last time I was at the Market I was pregnant with Nolan. Marshall and I had stopped to look at some wooden toys and found a cute little wooden dog that would open and close his mouth as if barking when you rolled him around. The man at the booth wouldn't take our money for the dog but said it was a gift for the baby and told us "God Bless." We had several such occurrences late in my pregnancy where people felt inclined to give us things - toys, their thoughts and advice, pick up our lunch tab. Several times Marshall mentioned how odd it was that when the two of us were together these occurrences happened. We often wondered if this happened to other pregnant couples. Surely it did, right? Just because none of our previously pregnant friends had not told us about this happening to them didn't mean it didn't happen. But to us it seemed as though when we were together we had some aura about us that drew people to us. We liked to think it was karma and because we tried to put good karma out there, it was coming back to us via all these kind people. I was sad today when I walked by the same table with the wooden toys and thought about what we would buy for Nolan from there today had he still been with us. Marshall relayed the story to Susan and Stacey as we passed by the table.












All and all we had a fun day in Charleston. It is a beautiful city and was fun to see Stacey and Susan explore it for the first time ever. Besides the market, we wandered around downtown looking at the beautiful alleyways and houses. We laughed a lot and saw a lot of beautiful things - artwork, houses, wildlife. It was good to be out of Wilmington again for a bit and of course it was great to be with my husband again. Unfortunately, it was Marshall's only day off this weekend as they are filming tomorrow. But we tried to make the most of it and the most of our time together.

In my in-law's neighborhood we finally saw an alligator! It was so exciting that we had to stop the car, get out and take pictures with it. Fortunately, it was on the other side of the pond so we weren't too tempting for it to come try to eat. It wasn't the big 8 ft one that's been spotting behind my in-law's house, but was a smaller 5 ft one.

To add to the excitement of the day, we also spotted some geese with their babies in my in-law's neighborhood. We also stopped to take pictures with them but when Marshall got out of the car, the Momma goose was not happy with him and started hissing and coming at him. Needless to say Marshall knew better than to mess with a Momma protecting her babies so he got back into the car and we left them alone. As we drove off they waddled away back towards the pond. Watching them go I thought how beautiful it was - these geese with their babies. So many animals in the wild simply have babies and walk away from them, but not these geese. They protect their babies and would take on an animal or human 5x their size just to protect their offspring. They are a lot like human mothers in that way. At least a lot like I would be and will be over any child I'm blessed to have. I'm pretty sure that saying "I would kill someone for my kid" is without a doubt true.

We attempted to go to dinner at Red's on Shem Creek but so did about half of Charleston, so we ended up opting for a nearby pizza joint. Since it was late and the pizza place was closing shortly, we sat outside on the picnic table under a huge canopy of tree. It was beautiful under there and the restaurant had hung pendant lights from the tree branches. It reminded me of something you would see in a movie, not outside a pizza place.

All in all it was a fun day with friends and my husband. Like all good times, it ended too quickly and Marshall has to go back to work tomorrow. On the up side, we are going to visit him on set so that should make work somewhat more enjoyable for him tomorrow.

Road Trip

It's been 4 days since my husband left to return to work and it feels like it's been weeks. I would have gone down sooner to see him if it hadn't been for doctor appointments and other appointments that we couldn't reschedule. I was finally able to get out of town around noon and since our friends Susan and Stacey were going to Charleston too, we decided to just follow each other down there. So I packed up the dogs and headed over to Susan's for the 3 1/2 hour down the coast. In my car I have one of those built in baby mirrors. It had been one feature we liked when buying the car because we had hoped that soon we would have a baby to look at back there. For now, though, I use it to watch my dogs and see what funny things they are doing in the backseat while riding. Today I saw some real puppy love going on back there. Buster was using JoJo's butt as a pillow and somehow without turning around I did manage to capture a couple of pictures of this amazing cuteness. It made me chuckle to see them snuggling like this in the backseat.

My friend Kathy had told me earlier in the week that while I drove to Charleston I should roll the windows down and turn the music up and just breathe it all in. Since it was a beautiful sunshiny day I decided I would take her advice and do it. There is something exhilarating about the wind in your hair and the music so loud you can't hear your awful singing over it. I'm sure the dogs appreciated the fresh air as only dogs in cars do.

 Our party arrived in Charleston around mid afternoon, but Marshall was going to be at work until at least 9pm or so. The girls and I decided to not waste any time and go do some shopping. On the way, though we saw the elusive Charleston deer in my in-law's neighborhood so we pulled over and took pictures. You would have thought we had never seen a deer a day in our lives the way we carried on. We were hoping to see the much talked about 8 foot alligator that has been spotted in my in-law's backyard pond, but he didn't want to come out for us today. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

 About the time we were shopped out (or at least our wallets were for the evening), Marshall got off work. So he met us at Susan and Stacey's hotel room where they tried to break down the wall. Both Stacy and Marshall thought the wall looked like a shoji that would pull out and separate the room so they both tried to pull the wall out just to see if it would indeed move. We finally decided it was late and if we continued to cut up in the hotel room the way we were they were going to get kicked out before they even stayed. So, we left and went to Wild Wing Cafe for some dinner and live music. I don't believe I've seen a Wild Wing so packed other than during football season. The band was good so perhaps that was why. The band was called Plane Jane and we are told they play every Friday night there. After a busy day of driving, shopping and cutting up we all decided to retire to bed so we could get up early and hit it hard. Amazingly, Susan and Stacey have never been to Charleston before so we will be heading downtown for them to check out the Market and all the historical sights of downtown.

The Old and the New

I spent some time tonight in the nursery. The glow from the nightlight drew me in as I turned off the other house lights preparing to go to bed. I went in and shut and locked the windows since I would be leaving town tomorrow. As I locked the window by the crib the starfish mobile twirled a bit from the breeze. I wound up the mobile and watched as it danced gently above the empty crib. And then it hit me. All the emotions that I've been trying to subdue crashed into me, like a wave pummeling into the beach. I sat down in the glider and rocked myself while I wept in the darkness of the nursery.

There is something oddly serene about the nursery. While I don't go in there every day and often when I do go in there I get rather emotional, inevitably I leave feeling better. It is as though the room has taken on some of the healing properties of the ocean itself. Perhaps it's just all the love and care that went in to creating the nursery by Marshall and me and Stacey. The peace I get when spending even a few minutes in there assures me that any little boy or girl that we may have will certainly love that room and get buckets of enjoyment out of it.

Earlier today I spent some time at my Mom's office. My mom is the marketing/admissions director for an assisted living place in Wilmington called Autumn Care and this week is Nursing Home week. For nursing home week, Autumn Care was having festivities and games all week for the residents and staff. Stacey and I decided to go this afternoon and help with the games before my Zumba class. It was fun to spend some time with the residents and watch them smile and laugh. Since we were in a nursing home, Stacey and I also thought it would be fun to do something for Marshall.

Marshall has been "writing" these scenes for a comedy film. And by writing I mean telling them to me and our friends in the hope that I will write them down and eventually write a film based upon these scenes and characters. In one scene, Marshall has a character that works at a nursing home play dodge ball with the residents only the game becomes ugly as some of the residents take out their revenge on the dodge ball court. Since we weren't allowed to photograph any residents in our picture, we convinced some of my mom's coworkers to act as residents in the nursing home picture we made for Marshall. Hopefully, Marshall will get a kick out of it when he sees it and it will inspire him to keep "writing" his film.

So I spent half of my day with the elderly and then went to Zumba to work off some of the old me and try to find the new, skinny, unpregnant me. Susan met me at Zumba tonight. It was even more enjoyable to have a friend in the class to laugh with and dance our cares away with. I am surprised that with each class I find Zumba more and more entertaining and fun. Maybe it's because with each class I know the moves a bit better and don't feel as though I'm just stumbling over my feet for an hour. I'm just glad I haven't gotten bored with it yet and hope that I don't. I certainly need to stick to it long enough to go out with the old and in with the new physical me. Hopefully by doing so I will also go out with the old and in with the new emotional me as well.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

After being cleared to resume all activities by my doctor, I decided yesterday to try Zumba and I loved it. Today, I tried another class and enjoyed it even more. While I originally decided to go try Zumba because I wanted to shed the extra baby weight I still have, I realized while in class today that exercising numbs my mind. I don't think about my baby I lost or my friends having babies or my husband that is 3 1/2 hours away - all I think about is the music and trying to remember the dance steps so I don't trip and fall flat on my face. I keep thinking of this book I once read called "Good in Bed" by Jennifer Weiner. It really has very little to do with my situation except that the main character is pregnant and she ends up in the hospital unexpectedly having her baby prematurely. Her baby, however, ends up living. But Cannie (the main character) ends up leaving the hospital alone because her baby must stay in the hospital. To deal with her pain from watching her baby struggle for life and the pain over her broken relationship Cannie starts walking. And she walks and walks and walks until all her weight is finally gone. In the book she talks about how she would just walk and end up confused because she had no idea where she had just walked to. It was as if she was blindly walking around. I feel that way most of the time. As if I am just blindly stumbling through this world and if I don't pay attention I will get completely lost.

I zumbad my way through the afternoon and made it to Idol night with the friends. Definitely my favorite night of the week, especially now that Marshall has left. On Idol nights I am assured there will be good food, good friends and lots of good times. Most of all there will be laughter to balance the moments in my day that are far from happy. For the first time ever, we invaded Dino's house for our Idol festivities and we even managed to get Dino to make Pasta e fagioli for us. After yelling at the Idol judges for a bit and making fun of Joshua's gospel scream, we took the party upstairs to Dino's bonus room where we played his drums and hung upside down in his traction machine. It was a great way to end my day and keeping me from doing some more wandering around lost in this world by myself.

6 weeks

Today was my 6 week post delivery check up with my doctor. The good news - I've healed great physically. According to my doctor my healing is more like someone 8-9 weeks post delivery not 6. She also told me I'm free to resume any and all activity. I had been sort of worried about asking my doctor about when we could try to get pregnant again. Not because I was worried about the answer but in some way I felt as though maybe she wouldn't approve of us trying to have another baby so quickly. Surprisingly, she had no opposition to it what so ever. She said she completely understood our need to have a baby now more than ever. We aren't under any delusions that another baby will take the place of Nolan or even take away the pain over the loss of him, but we have no other children. We got pregnant with Nolan in the first place not out of a mistake but out of a planned attempt to have children.

It's part of what makes Nolan's death so frustrating and makes me angry. So many people get pregnant that don't want the baby or are drug addicts or are having the baby for the wrong reason and they have totally healthy babies. And here we are trying as a loving married couple to have a baby to raise and love and our baby dies for no apparent reason whatsoever. I have a few friends that have either recently had a baby or are expecting a baby and I have no ill will towards any of them.  All of them are loving parents that wanted their baby and will raise their baby with love. It's the people out there that have babies in order to fix a marriage, or accidentally got pregnant, or are total screw ups and are totally not taking care of themselves and their baby that make me so angry at my situation. It just doesn't seem fair to me that their baby lives and ours doesn't. I would never wish our situation on anyone, I just wish my situation wasn't what it is. I want a healthy baby like all those people. That's all I ever wanted. I didn't care whether I was having a boy or a girl, I just prayed that the baby was healthy and I did everything I could to ensure he was. I didn't drink a drop even while we were trying to conceive, I didn't have any caffeine or any other foods that the doctors recommend you don't eat.

Today I spent some time alone after my doctor's appointment and I started stewing in my sorrow. I finally decided to get out of the house and go to Zumba and hopefully work off some baby weight and sweat out some of my frustration. It was the first Zumba class that I have ever went to and I loved it! I danced ballet when I was younger so I've always enjoyed dance of all types so this type of workout was perfect for me. I can't wait to go back to class tomorrow. I felt refreshed after my class as if I sweated out all the toxic thoughts that had previously been invading my body. When I got home, I saw this post from a friend of mine that works on the TV show with Marshall. She had wrote a beautiful note and attached this picture with the inscription, "There are some who bring a light so great to the world that even after they have gone, the light remains." This post warmed my heart. Nolan was indeed a light so bright that it is still burning even now for all to see. Ironically, ever since Nolan's passing Marshall and I have left a light burning in the nursery every night. It didn't start out intentionally, but I think now we both intentionally leave it on at night. It's usually just the small nightlight that's left to burn all night but it's a small reminder of Nolan's presence in our hearts and in our lives forever.

Time to Say Goodbye

Today was most definitely a harder day for Marshall than it was for me. While I knew he would eventually return to work and I wasn't looking forward to it, Marshall had a much harder time leaving than I did watching him go. Alone with your thoughts in a car for 3 1/2 hours is a lot harder than being alone with your thoughts in the comfort of your home with your puppies and friends nearby. In a way we have been lucky to have had as much time off as we both did, especially Marshall. Not many men would be able to take 6 weeks of leave for the birth of their child much less the death of one. While most women would have 6-9 weeks off, I still feel blessed that the producers of Homeland are so understanding and did not give me an ultimatum to return to work when the show starts or not at all. The show starts filming in Charlotte, NC in 2 weeks which would mean I would have to return in a week. I simply am not ready to return to work just yet and they fortunately allowed me to have some more time off and return when I'm ready, which will be in mid June.

But with the good comes the bad and while Marshall was able to take 6 weeks off when he does return to work he must do so in Charleston, SC a good 3 1/2 hours away. While he doesn't officially start to work until tomorrow when the next episode of Army Wives begins filming, he wanted to go by the set and say hello to everyone and get the obligatory hugs out of the way. I knew the drive down would be hard for him and then later tonight when he has to return to an empty house will be difficult.

Fortunately, I was not alone for long today. Shortly after Marshall left, Stacey called to suggest we do lunch and see if Dino wanted to tag along. It ended up being a beautiful rainy day so we sat outside at Bluewater and enjoyed the overcast water and the company. Stacey and Dino ended up monopolizing my whole afternoon. From lunch we went to Starbuck's for coffee and sat so long and talked that we eventually got hungry again. So we went and picked up dinner at Big Thai 2 and went to my house so we could hang out with the dogs. It wasn't until 9pm when they left and I enjoyed every moment of it. It is so wonderful to have friends that understand that alone is probably really not what either of us need right now. Luckily, Marshall had the same thing occur. While he was forced to spend some time alone after visiting the set, when they were done filming his coworker JT met him out for dinner so Marshall wouldn't have to spend the entire afternoon and evening alone.

After Stacey and Dino left I got on the computer to do some writing and to look at the pictures again from the weekend's memorial service and I noticed what Stacey and Dino had been up to Saturday night. We had invited everyone back to our house after the memorial service for desserts and coffee. Marshall and I both ended up getting pulled away from time to time by different people and I apparently totally missed the roasting of marshmellows. We have one of those electric fireplaces that we had turned on just the light on so there was some ambient lighting in the room. Well, Dino and Stacey decided that since there was a fire and there were mini marshmellows that they should try to roast them on our fake fire and Susan documented the entire thing with my camera. It gave me a good laugh to see what they had done and it was a nice way to end the evening and occupy some of my alone time.