Life is Short

Despite my late night last night, Marshall and I got up fairly early in order to pack as much as we could into our time together. Being the nice husband he is, he walked down to Starbucks and got me some coffee while I showered. He came back not with my usual tall but a grande, saying he figured I needed the extra boost of caffeine because I was probably really tired from working late last night. Boy was he right. After showering and walking the dogs, we decided on some lunch at Pei Wei - one of my favorite little spots in Charlotte. Mostly because we have neither it or P.F. Chang's in Wilmington, so I always use my trips to Charlotte to indulge in one of them. I'm glad I married someone whom I get to laugh with every day. Marshall can make even the most mundane thing funny (I really think he missed his calling to be a comedian sometimes). At lunch we spent some time laughing over the new touch screen drink machine in Pei Wei. Very space age and awesome. Marshall was amazed that it had about 20 some drinks in it, even though we both were settling for water and tea.

No sooner had we finished dinner than I was in desperate need for another caffeine boost. This time we stopped by Caribou. As we walked out when our coffee in tow, I noticed the coffee cup mantra on my coffee collar - "Life is Short. Stay Awake For It." Oh how true. If my coffee collar only knew how short life indeed could be. Some lives, like Nolan's, end before they have even really had a chance to begin. We spent the rest of day running some errands and hanging out with friends. Our renters are moving out of our house in Charlotte, so we stopped by there to check out the damage their puppy had done to some molding.

We managed to make it over to NODA about 30 minutes too early, so we decided to kill some time at none other than, yep you guessed it - the coffee shop. Our old usual hangout when Marshall still lived in NODA before we got married. The Smelly Cat Coffee Shop was a great place to run into all our friends and neighbors when we were in town and it often was the place for Saturday morning coffee with everyone so we could catch up. Unfortunately, so many people have moved out of there that now we go there and hardly see anyone we recognize. We did, however, see the owner's daughter Taylor. It's amazing to me that when I first started going there with Marshall Taylor was only about 10 and had to stand on a stool in order to reach the cash register. Now she's 15 and the cash register is replaced with an iPad. Yep besides the Mac store this is probably one of the first businesses I've seen that uses a program on the iPad to conduct all their transactions, including credit card transactions. It was great to see Taylor and to catch up with her a bit before we had to leave.

Then we snuck in a impromptu visit with our neighbors Jimmy and Misha after viewing the house. Afterwards, we headed to the Smelly Cat Coffee Shop in NODA for yet another caffeine boost and a visit with Kelly, Kevin and Grace. It was great to see them as we always have some good laughs hanging out with them. I had seen Kelly and Grace a few weeks ago, but this was the first time I had seen Kevin and the first time Marshall had seen any of them since Nolan passed away.

It was a great day spent with my husband and some awesome friends, but perhaps the most surprising part of the day was a package I received in the mail from my friend Tina. I had known she was sending me something but I had no idea it would be this. Tina had put together a wonderful care package with the most extraordinary letter. Inside the package was a candle, bath salts, crazy bright colored socks, bright colored hair ties, a purple fuzzy blanket and a nightlight. In her letter she explained each of the things she sent me. She explained that she had put together this little care package for my Charlotte apartment because she assumed I hadn't packed all the creature comforts I might normally have thought to pack due to the weight of leaving home "for the first time for any extended amount of time without Nolan."

The blanket she sent me was so that I just snuggle into it and let the day melt away. Of course it had to be purple, for purple is my favorite color and any of my friends have to know this. It is true, one of the things I realized right away that I forgot to pack was a blanket to snuggle with on the couch. I'm one of those people that regardless of the temperature outside, I find myself snuggled up in a blanket on the couch every evening. Up until Marshall brought the blanket he had in Charleston, I had to grab the comforter off the bed every time I wanted to snuggle on the couch. Now I had my purple fuzzy blanket and Marshall had his army wives blanket.

The retro sock and hair ties are for "Zumba, or whatever crazy dance class" I find myself going to in Charlotte. Ha. Somebody has either been reading my blog or my Facebook updates. Tina acknowledged that I had found a great outlet for my mind and body in these dance classes, for "working out your body has really great and unexpected healing properties." How true. I have been a bit disappointed that I haven't been able to go to Zumba classes that much since work started, but I knew this would happen. Working in the film business just doesn't allow you to have the time to do that, or anything else really. Monday thru Friday you can just forget about having any kind of life outside of work.

The candle was a great aromatherapy candle that smelled amazing. Tina said she found herself lighting a candle almost every day and knew I loved candles too. After all, I did steal her candle Christmas gift during the gift exchange game. Ironically, she knows me all too well. Marshall and I on Wed had just bought two candles for the house. But you can never have too many candles in my opinion.

The bath salts came with a warning from Tina, "Don't eat these!" Haha. No turning Kara into a face eating Zombie like that dude in Florida. But, she said since "long hours at work can make you feel like a Zombie, and I can only imagine you may not be sleeping feel these days anyway, a nice relaxing soak in the tub could do you some good." Yes, I imagine she might just be right. I'm looking forward to lighting my candle and relaxing in a tub full of bath salts.

But, the best and most thoughtful thing she sent me was the nightlight - a nightlight for Nolan. Tina knew that we had a nightlight for Nolan in the nursery at home that we left burning constantly since we came home without him. Now he has a nightlight in his home away from home - my Charlotte apartment. It's also a nightlight that is very reminiscent of his nursery. We painted the nursery with an ocean theme in mind and this nightlight is an underwater scene with a sea turtle and sea shells. It's beautiful and so unbelievable thoughtful.

I know that Tina being pregnant herself has struggled with how to deal with me and this letter solidified that as she said it in her letter. The last thing she wanted to do was cause me more pain and she worried that seeing her pregnant might hurt me. I understand her concern, but Tina and her husband Jamie are no different than Marshall and I. They are in a loving relationship and they wanted and tried to get pregnant. I don't feel any ill will towards them for having a successful pregnancy when ours didn't end up that way. I am excited for them and anxious to meet their daughter Harper when she makes her debut in a a few short weeks. I don't know if Tina will ever know just how much her letter and her care package meant to me, but I do hope she has figured out that my losing Nolan and her having Harper isn't going to destroy our relationship. On the contrary, I think it has actually strengthened our relationship as she was there for me despite her concerns about her pregnancy. She still found a way to show me and Marshall that she cared and was truly effected by Nolan's death.

Lunch Dates

I've mentioned a time or two that my job often takes me to interesting places that I wouldn't normal go or even be allowed to enter. Today was one of those days. We were filming a scene inside an airplane. Just your normal guy on a flight type of thing, but instead of building the set, we went to the airport. We filmed inside a mock airplane that the airlines use to train their flight attendants in. Apparently within the same building were flight simulators in which the pilots train in. The mock airplane we filmed in included a section of a plane equipped with removable seats, overhead bins and even dinner trays. After filming outdoors all day yesterday, it was a welcomed reprieve to be inside an air conditioned building. It was even more enjoyable finding things inside the building to entertain us - like fake dinner trays with cardboard food. I'm sure if locations actually knew the things we do when at a place, nobody would ever allow us to film in their house or building again. Sometimes though, they see us having fun with their things and I think they get a kick out of it.

The best thing about today though was that since we had a later call I was able to spend some time with Marshall this morning before I went to work. We took the dogs for a walk and then grabbed some lunch at Bricktops. It was a lovely morning, but it made it hard to leave and go to work. All I wanted to do was hang out with Marshall and the dogs more. Fortunately, we were filming right near the apartment so Marshall was able to swing by and see me during my lunch hour (which really was more like dinner time). Since base camp and catering was set up at Southpark Mall, Marshall met me there and we spent the hour walking around the mall. We grabbed coffee at Starbucks and just enjoyed hanging out with each other in the middle of the day. I had always thought this season I would spend most of my lunch hours with Marshall and Nolan as Marshall had said he would bring Nolan by to see me most days. So it was nice to spend at least one of my lunch hours with Marshall, even though Nolan wasn't there too. I had gotten my hopes up so high for these lunch dates with my two boys, that it was nice to actually have one come to some sort of fruition. To make my day even better, Marshall came back by set later that night to see me and say hello to everyone on the crew. Most of the crew hadn't seen Marshall since Nolan's death so I know a lot of them were anxious to see him and give him a hug and their condolences in person. After Marshall left, the minutes just seemed to drag on and on. I felt like that night was never going to end. I think we finally finished working somewhere around 3am. By the time I got home Marshall was zonked out along with the pups. JoJo and Buster did manage to groggily waddle to the door to see me when I walked in but there was no budging Marshall. Oh well. At least I got to spend a lot more time with him today than most days.

The Woods

Sometimes you just need a good sweat to cleanse the body. Today, I'm pretty sure the whole crew of Homeland was detoxified as we spent the day tromping around in the woods. It was sticky, sweat and buggy. Within the first 30 minutes of being in the woods I felt as though I needed a bath. The air was hot and damp and the sweat just oozed out of you. I could feel all the impurities seeping out of me. Days like this are just draining. I really sometimes wonder how the heck I came about to have the job I do. I am not a morning person yet I sometimes have to be at work as early as 6am. I hate the cold yet sometimes I spend 12 hours outside at night in the dead of winter. And I hate being sweaty unless I'm sitting a few steps away from a pool or body of water, yet filming in the south during the summer is the sweatiest mess I've ever seen. Still, most days I really enjoy what I am doing. The only thing I would enjoy more is being payed to write. If only.

So for now, I grin and bear the sweat and hope that the 100 degree temperatures make themselves scarce this summer in Charlotte, NC. I could hardly wait to get home and take a shower. My only saving grace was I was probably the least sweaty of everyone out there in the woods today. Most of the guys were drenched from head to toe within the first 30 minutes. I, however, just had a slight glisten. After you get used to the dampness and stickiness, you actually begin to rather enjoy yourself. It was a bit like we were just camping. The woods are actually pretty and I don't think I would be spending time in the woods if it weren't for work. There's a lot of places and things I get to do that I would never do if I didn't work in the film business. I used to love the woods as a child - exploring, pretending, or just traipsing through them. I don't ever remember being sweaty and sticky in them as a child. I guess as a child you don't really care about things like that. I thought about Marshall today sitting in the woods and how he had said he wanted Nolan to play in the woods like he had done when he was a child. Marshall felt it was important that our children have those experiences. He said if the only way to make sure Nolan was safe in the woods was to go with him then Marshall would pick up a stick and go play in the woods with him. I hope one day we have a child that Marshall can go play in the woods with and enjoy being a kid again.

Keep Smiling

Happy random day off in the middle of the week! Yes, it's July 4th and so we have the day off from work. Great. A random day off in the middle of the work week. What are we supposed to do with that? It's not like any of us can go home or do much of anything for that matter. Thankfully, my husband came up here last night. So after dinner with our nephew and his friend, we came home and hung out at the apartment with the dogs. I was exhausted after my emotionally draining day and really just wanted to sleep it off in the hopes that waking up to a new day would make yesterday's pain go away. I have to say, it did for the most part. No more crying. No more heartache. No more thinking about Claire's baby. But always thinking about mine. I would have been that mom that dressed her kid up for holidays. After all, you can only really get away with doing that while they are little. It's like dogs. Only really small dogs look cute wearing outfits. That doesn't keep me from putting things on my dogs, I just never send them out in public all dressed up.

Having no real plans for the July 4th holiday, Marshall and I had a slow start to the morning. We decided to take a stroll down the road to Starbucks to start the day off right with some coffee. Along the way we found a cool gateway and stopped to have some instagram fun in it. On our way back, Marshall commented as we passed a man with his son that he can't help thinking about Nolan when he sees a dad with his son. Yeah, I know. Every little boy makes me think of Nolan. Marshall said he thinks about how right now he should be hanging out with Nolan and bringing him by the set to visit me. Marshall was so looking forward to carrying the little guy around in a Bjorn strapped to his chest like Zack Galifianakis in The Hangover. I was looking forward to seeing him do it. This would have been Nolan's first July 1st. First fireworks.

Eventually, Marshall and I made some plans for the day. We decided to grab some lunch with my friend Kathy, her husband Patrick and their two boys, Caleb and Eli. Marshall had not met any of them before. Although the wait at Cowfish was long, the food and company was enjoyable. I was so impressed with how well Caleb behaved. It was a very long visit and he tolerated it really well. It was good to see them and to know we can still hang out with our friends that have kids without ending up in tears by the end of the visit. Since we had lunch right by the mall, we figured why not do a little shopping while we were at it. We ended up going for another Starbucks and just sort of walking around, not really buying anything. I did try something on in Lululemon and while I didn't end up getting the workout pants, I loved the sticky note I found in the dressing room. Stuck in the corner of the mirror was a note that read, "Keep smiling. It makes people wonder what you're up to." I took it as advice for me. Especially, after yesterday. Smile and nobody will ever know what's going on inside you. You know, when this is all said and done I think I just might make a splendid actress. After all, I am just putting on a front for the world to see so nobody really sees how damaged I really am now.

After shopping, we settled on seeing a movie - Brave. We forewent any traditional July 4th plans - no fireworks, no grilling out, no pool time. Holidays - even the most uneventful ones - are just difficult. I'm sure the worst of all will be Christmas and then of course Nolan's birthday, but at least we will muster through them together. For now, we get to come home to our 4 legged, furry babies who give us so much unconditional love. I really don't know what we would do without them sometimes. They have certainly been instrumental in my healing and I think Marshall will find that being home with them will help him so much too. They are great company and always make you smile throughout the day. I think they live by the sticky note saying - they smile so we don't ever really know what they are up to. It keeps us guessing and keeps them out of trouble.

Claire's News

Today was the last day of work before the random day off in the middle of the week for the holiday - Independence Day. When holidays fall in the middle of the work week, it makes for a weird week. It's like you have two Mondays and two Fridays. So, in a weird way, today was Friday. Even though in reality it was only Tuesday. It was just one of those weird days all around. Nobody really seemed to be fully in to anything they were doing and the day just seemed to drag on. For me, it was probably more because I knew that when I got off work I would see my husband and if I got off early enough maybe even have dinner with him. You know, like normal people do. Eat meals together.

Needless to say, all day long I was on a high from the anticipation of seeing Marshall and the dogs. My patience with work started wearing thin when I knew Marshall was nearly in town. Ironically, just as Marshall pulled in to the apartment complex was just when I needed him the most. I had a meltdown at work. The biggest as of yet and totally unexpected. Up until now, I'm pretty sure nobody has noticed my mini meltdowns. Today, several people did. Probably more than I even realized actually. I can't explain the meltdown, but I guess that's how grief works sometimes. It just comes on suddenly and unexpectedly. I've known since a few days after my arrival that our actress Claire was pregnant. It was pretty obvious to a woman who was up until a few short months ago pregnant herself. These days I seem to be hyper aware of pregnant women. I had approached Claire about her news and she seemed hesitant, wondering how I would react to it. She appeared relieved when I congratulated her and was open to discussing it. I think pregnant women don't know what to do with me. I think a lot of the world doesn't know what to do with me. I get it. They don't want to make my pain any worse and seeing them or talking about their pregnancy when my just ended badly could hold the potential of rocking my world back into dark places. Usually, this is not the case. It's only when stupid people who are pregnant for all the wrong reasons or don't even want the baby are around that I get irate at my situation.

Anyway, back to today's meltdown. It was late in the day and Claire's husband and her parents had all been visiting set, but now only her mom remained. We were just finishing rehearsing our last scene of the day when Claire called everyone in to set. I was trapped in the room as people filed in like cattle. Damn it. I know what she's about to announce. And sure enough, I was right. She made an announcement to everyone that she was pregnant. I sat in the room and clapped with everyone else, but I felt it building up inside me - the storm. I tried to smile but I my face wouldn't move. I felt everyone's eyes burrowing in the back of me. Quit starring at me. Yes, I know - I lost my baby. He's dead, but I'm sure that won't happen to anyone else in here. Just me. And certainly not Claire. Things like that don't happen to movie stars.

I could hardly wait to get out of that room. I was beginning to feel claustrophobic. And then a couple of people walked by me and patted me on the back. I knew what they meant by it. It was that sympathy pat. I almost broke down right there. It was all I could to make it to the bathroom. Thank God nobody else was in there. I shut myself in the stall and cried. Sobbed really. It only lasted a few minutes then I blew my nose and tried to pull myself together. I stood in front of the mirror a long time waiting for the redness under my eyes to go away. I couldn't go out there looking like this. I texted Marshall but got no response. I finally thought I should venture out. So I did, but I stayed away from set but within earshot. And then Jen walked up to me as I desperately tried to reach Marshall. She put her hand on my arm and before she could say anything I was crying again. She asked if a hug would help or what did I need for she knew I had to continue to work and she didn't want to make things worse. I just shook my head and started to cry so I turned and walked away, dialing as I went. I barely made it around the corner before I was sobbing hysterically. By the time Marshall answered the phone I was crying so hard he couldn't understand a word I was saying. I heard the panic in his voice as he asked me if I was okay and what was wrong.

I finally was able to mutter the words between sobs - "Claire announced her news." Marshall knew then what had happened. He stayed on the phone while I sobbed, hidden in a little corner on the building. I didn't care if they started shooting. I couldn't go back there right now. I had to get it out. Our medical Drew popped his head around the corner to check on me but saw I was on the phone with Marshall so he knew I was dealing as best I could. I'm not sure how long it Marshall to talk me down. It seemed like an eternity. Every time I thought I was settling down, my chest would heave and something deep inside me would cry out again. After some time I composed myself the best I could manage and told Marshall I didn't understand my reaction. I had known for weeks about Claire's pregnancy. Why did her announcement affect me so much? I don't know. Even after hours of reflecting on it, I still don't. I don't fault her for any of it. After all, it isn't like she blindsided me with the news. I'm sure some people thought she had though. Since they didn't all know I'm sure they all questioned whether I had or not. As I walked back to set, I was approached by a few people that wanted to check on me. Drew was the first. He was waiting around the corner for me to come out so he could greet me with a hug and a joke to lighten my spirits. I thanked him for it and moved on. The next was our 2nd AD Kim who asked if I was okay and asked what I wanted from Starbucks for she was having the PA make a run. Sure, Starbucks will make it all better. It can't make it any worse, that's for sure. I saw a group of electrics starring at me as I walked past them. Yeah, I'm sure they are wondering how I'm taking it. When I got home from work, I had a few more Facebook messages from people saying they had thought about me when she made the announcement.

It was a strange, emotionally draining afternoon. At least there were people at work that recognized that the situation was difficult for me. Even if I am one of those people that doesn't fully understand why it was so difficult. I couldn't have been more happy to know that my husband was in town after the day I had. All I wanted to do was go see him and hug him. Nobody would understand what today was like for me except him. Sure some people can imagine or sympathize with the pain, but if you haven't lost a child that could be hear living with you now you can't fully understand. I don't think Claire ever realized how it affected me and I'm glad. I certainly wouldn't want her to think I'm not happy for her. I am. She and Hugh deserve to be parents just as much as Marshall and I do. She deserves to be happy, just as I was. Hopefully, her pregnancy just ends with a much better outcome than mine. I decided that on the slight chance Claire might have gotten wind of my reaction, I should text her to clarify. So I did. I simply told her again congratulations and that I prayed everything goes well for her. She responded by thanking me for all my support and for sharing my experiences as a recent mom with her. I felt better after the text. The last thing I want is to work with her for another 3 months and have her constantly worried about tip toeing around me as she gets bigger and bigger. Whether I'm ready to or not, I'm going to have to face pregnant women and this pregnant woman I will see on a very regular weekly basis. I'm going to have to learn how to cope with it and not let it affect me.

Mooresville Mondays

This morning was the earliest I’ve had to wake up since I’ve been back at work. Yep, It even hurt having to set my alarm for 4:45am last night. It made me tired just thinking about getting up that early. Surprisingly, I wasn’t that tired when I got up but the day wore on me quickly. By the time I had to make the hour drive back home after working 13 hours, I was dozing off. Fortunately, the weather was very overcast and even a bit chilly at times this morning. Perhaps the cooler weather was due to the rain storms yesterday. We didn't get much here in Charlotte, but Wilmington got a good dose yesterday afternoon. Marshall sent me some amazing pictures he took of the lightning down at Carolina Beach while he was down there eating with some friends. Whatever the reason for the cooler weather this morning, I didn't care I was just glad for it. It wasn’t until we moved inside that the sun really came out and started to heat things up.

I have to say while Mooresville might be a far drive, it’s a cute little town. I always enjoy when we shoot downtown, simply for the aesthetics of the place. It’s very old fashioned. They even have these great murals painted on the sides of buildings that resemble old school posters. The other great thing about today was being able to catch up with my old college friend, Carl. Since he lives in Mooresville, he was able to meet me for lunch at Wasabi’s. It was a quick lunch but it was still fun to feel normal for a second and have lunch out with someone. That’s one of the drags about the film business. No lunch dates. No dinner dates either on most days. In fact, just forget about having any life because you are a slave to the project.

All in all, it was a good Monday albeit a long one. I got to enjoy the cute quaintness of Mooresville and I really enjoyed the lunchtime company. And to top it all off, we ended the day filming beside this snow cone shop. So we all were treated to snow cones. Who doesn't love a good snow cone on a hot day? But the best part of this Monday - it’s over and tomorrow is Tuesday and my husband and dogs are coming up to see me. I can’t wait! I know I won’t see them much on days I have to work, but knowing I get to come home to them makes it all worthwhile. I wish it could be like that every night. The only thing better would be for us all to be home in Wilmington working and coming home to our own house every night. Ahh, what a life that would be. Normal people just don’t know how good they really have it.

I Can Do All Things

At the YMCA there are two bowls full of little pieces of paper. On each paper is a thought, verse or quote. One bowl holds quotes for adults, the other bowl for kids. I've walked by these bowls numerous times now, but I have yet to reach in and pull out a piece of paper. Today, I went to the Y not once but twice for what else am I to do on a lonely Sunday in Charlotte but fill it with exercise. I thought as I walked by the bowls on my way to my first Cardio Funk class that maybe I would remember to grab a piece of paper on my way out. I've thought this many times before, yet I always seem to forget to do it. Sometimes, I just simply decide against it. After all, there can't be anything thought provoking in them. I rather equated them to fortune cookie sayings. Sometimes you might get a good laugh at them, but really they hardly ever pertain to you and your life.

Well, today I actually remembered to grab one on my way out of the Y. I waited until I got in to my car before I unrolled it and read, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13." Hmm. I rather liked this verse. It made me smile as I thought that maybe, just maybe I would make it through this time after all. Since Nolan's death I can understand more clearly now why people when faced with death or tragedy often turn to religion for answers and consolation. Especially, when science and medicine leave you with lots of unanswered questions. I have always been a religious person, yet I don't go to church on a regular basis. In fact, I haven't belonged to a church since college. Marshall and I talked about trying to find a church in Wilmington that we liked as we did want to expose our children to religion and God as we felt like it would help to build a strong moral compass within them. However, I have found myself wanting even more since Nolan's death to find a church in Wilmington to belong to. I guess now more than ever I want to believe that someone up there is hearing my prayers. My prayer that one day soon I will be blessed with another baby that will be healthy and live and grow up to be a wonderful adult. I have to believe that someone up there hears my prayers, otherwise I might never have the strength to try it all over again. The possibility of losing another baby is a thought I can't fathom and a reality I will never be able to cope with. So, I will save this verse and remember it and pray that it is true. With God's help I will overcome this and I will have another baby one day.