Support

Yesterday the flooring guys were at our rental house sanding and sealing the hardwoods. Today they were finally dry enough that Marshall was able to walk on them and take some pictures to send to me. They look amazing. Our house was built in the early 1900s and some of the flooring in the house is the original floors. I doubt they have looked this good in a long time though. While the floors look great from the pictures, I won't be able to see them in person this weekend. The fumes in the house are really strong and when Marshall asked the flooring guy about me being around them pregnant he said I shouldn't be allowed in the house for 3 days. So I guess I will be viewing them through the window this weekend. The house now has not a single square of carpet in it. Two thirds of the house is the original hardwoods, but the master bedroom, bathroom and mud room all had to be refloored. We had floored the master bedroom several years ago with bamboo flooring. It was then that we discovered the fireplace in the bedroom that someone had dry walled over! It never ceases to amaze me what people do to houses. That was also when we had all the floors in the house leveled with support beams from underneath. It was amazing how slanted the floors were. Often you don't realize when you are standing in the moment, just how off things can be.

As much as I've enjoyed having Robi here and I know he's been a tremendous help to Marshall, it was nice to come home from work and be able to be alone with Marshall. My apartment here is a small studio so Robi was slumming it on my couch and trying to get any private time for any of us was virtually impossible. But, Robi had to head back to school as college is starting back up on Monday. I'm sure it won't be the last we see of Robi while I'm working in Charlotte though. He goes to college at Appalachian State so it's only about an hour and a half drive for him to come visit us in Charlotte. Plus, he's already requested our presence at an App State football game so I imagine we will try to find a weekend to head up there and see him. Sometimes I still feel a bit unsociable.

Not that I ever was an extremely sociable person, but I used to really enjoy having people over and doing things. Now I find that it just depends on the day I'm having. Or the day Marshall is having. If either of us is having a hard time with dealing with Nolan, it often makes the day hard for the other one. I can't see Marshall cry about Nolan and not cry too. Last week Marshall had some very trying days. So bad that I was scared it just might send him over the edge. Marshall has been sober for nearly 9 years now, but a tragedy as great as losing a child is all that it takes for some people to start drinking again. Until last week, I thought Marshall wasn't going to be one of those people but last week I was deeply concerned he just might. It wasn't until he got on the phone with Chad and was able to pour his heart out to another Dad who had also lost his son that Marshall felt like he was going to be okay. Its sad really that it took this long for Marshall to find someone to help him work through this. Marshall's older brother Parker also lost a child in a much different situation all around, but Parker had very little insight or help to offer Marshall. Marshall told me shortly after Nolan passed away that Parker's situation was vastly different and he found he couldn't even really talk to his brother about it. I guess we all just handle things differently and the way Parker saw and dealt with the loss of his son Ryan was so far removed from Marshall's experience that he wasn't able to offer Marshall any comfort in his time of need. I don't know if Chad will ever really know how helpful he has been to Marshall (and to me for helping Marshall). Just as I have Tifni to talk to, Marshall now feels as though he has someone he can reach out to and talk to in good times and bad. Someone that understands everything he is feeling and thinking. Someone that is willing to let him vent and cry and will cry with him. I don't know if people that haven't experienced this type of loss will ever understand what kind of support and comfort we get out of other's experiences of this same loss. It helps you to know you aren't alone. I can see now why people go to stillbirth support groups. If I had never met Tifni I probably would have gone to one by now too. But Tifni is my support group and now Chad is Marshall's. We all need a little support now and then.