First Ultrasound

Today was the day we've been waiting for. The day we were to see baby #2 for the first time. The day this whole pregnancy becomes real. I think for Marshall he's been waiting until he saw the baby before he really let it sink in that we were having another baby. I can feel him being reserved about this pregnancy and I understand why. I imagine most people would understand if we both were reserved about it throughout the entire pregnancy. But I had made up my mind when I knew that I was pregnant that if we made it through the first trimester I was going to allow myself to get excited about it. The way I look at is that we have two choices regarding a future pregnancy. We can choose to not get excited in the hopes that if it does end badly we won't be hurt as badly, or we can give this child the same exact love and excitement that we gave Nolan. I mean, really, who are we kidding? If we lose this child at 34 weeks its going to be just as devastating as losing Nolan was no matter how "excited" we allow ourselves to get. At some point I'm going to feel the baby wiggle and kick and so will Marshall and by then you are so invested in this little life that's forming that it's impossible not to be 100% attached and invested. So I chose to give this baby all the love and excitement we gave for Nolan. Maybe we won't do everything we did when were pregnant with Nolan, but most of it. We will still take pregnancy pictures and fill out a pregnancy book (as if this blog isn't a day by day log of that already) and eventually we will pick out names and imagine our future. Sure we won't have any more baby showers or have to decorate a nursery since we have one all decorated and waiting, but that will be all that's different preparation wise between the two.

My nerves continued to build all day and peeked around 2:15pm as we sat in the waiting room, patiently waiting to be called back for our ultrasound. I held my breath as the ultrasound technician squirted the gel on my belly and moved the probe over the gel. I saw the image pop up but it took her pointing to the heart before I could see it flickering. I nearly burst out crying. The baby was alive! All was well, for the moment, and the moment was all I could let myself worry about. I spent the rest of the ultrasound soaking up the skewed images on the screen, trying my best to commit them all to memory. The baby is in that rather alien looking phase, yet definitely recognizable as a human baby. It's little arms and legs were sticking out. Marshall was amazed at how wiggly the baby was and asked me later if Nolan moved that much at that age. I couldn't recall. Sometimes Nolan was very squirmy, other times the ultrasound tech had to shake him to try to get him to rotate when he was less than cooperative.

After the ultrasound we met with Dr. McLean and she said all looked great on the ultrasound. The heartbeat was wonderful and everything looked great so far. Although we are only 11 weeks along right now, Dr. McLean said we can breath a sigh of relief because we are out of the first trimester worries. Well, that's at least one hurtle we can cross off. Only a million more to get through before this pregnancy is over. We discussed genetic testing again and Marshall and I both agreed that we wanted to have it done. After losing Nolan, we want to do anything and everything we can to ensure we know everything that is going on with this baby. We had genetic testing done when we were pregnant with Nolan too which is why we knew his death had nothing to do with his genetics.

I'm not sure if Marshall has let it totally sink in yet, but I'm hopeful that this good news will help him to open up and start to get excited about the possibility of another baby. Boy or girl as long as the baby is healthy and alive that's all I care about.

After Dr. McLean went over everything with us she said, "Now I'm just going to have to try not to cry at your delivery!" We all laughed and I told her she could for she certainly wouldn't be the only one. Later Marshall told me that he just loved Dr. McLean and he didn't want anyone else delivering our baby but her. He said that he knew she was going to cry and he was going to cry with her. I have a feeling everyone in that room and everyone in the waiting room will be crying right along with them. It will be a glorious day when we have a healthy baby to take home with us.