Sweet and Savory

With it being Labor Day weekend, my Mom had today off. So Marshall and I met her at Sweet and Savory for lunch. It was our first time back since our fiasco with the waitress for hell when we were all there for Gloria's birthday. On the way over Marshall joked that with our luck we would probably get the same waitress again. My Mom was already seated when we walked in and as luck would have it we had the waitress from hell again! Yikes. We briefed Mom on the story and she tried to ensure us that the waitress had been very nice so far. Much to our disbelief, Mom was right. Our waitress from hell had done a 180 and was just as nice and sweet and attentive as she could be. I guess our table's complaining to the managers must have made them have a talk with her about having an attitude adjustment. So it was a pleasant lunch after all.

For some reason, after lunch Marshall and I got a wild hair to go couch shopping. I would say that it was an impulse buy, but that isn't entirely true. We've talked for some time about getting rid of the couch and getting something different, something bigger. The trouble is we have a small house and our living room isn't big enough for anything too terribly large. But we thought we would go to our new favorite furniture store and "look." Down College road to Custom Home Furnishings we went with nothing in mind except to look and see if we could find a small sectional. We had found one at Ikea that was small and would work but it wasn't exactly what we wanted and wasn't as nice a piece of furniture as we were hoping to get either. Our ideal was a small leather sectional. With dogs and a baby coming we figured leather would be the easiest to keep clean. It just so happened that the girl who sold us our coffee table was there so she gladly showed us around their large inventory and walked us through which sectionals came in smaller sizes and which in leather. We quickly narrowed it down to two we liked, but which were completely different styles. The prices were fairly comparable so we decided to do a comfort test. One quickly won out on the armrests alone. We love to lounge around on our couches and watch TV so the fact that one had rounded padded armrests that required no throw pillows to make it comfy was a big selling point for us. It also happened to be slightly cheaper than the other. Sold! Now that we had picked the couch came the daunting task of deciding on which color leather. After much deliberation we finally settled on a gray marbleized color that had just a hint of blue in it. We thought it would give it a little bit of a texture to it so we jumped. Now we just have to wait 8-10 weeks to see if we made the right decision. Since this year is our 3rd anniversary and leather is the traditional gift for 3rd anniversaries we decided that this would be our gift to each other.

While waiting to fill out all the paperwork and pay, Marshall took a seat on the nearest couch and discovered it was completely electronic! He thought it was the coolest thing. You press a button and the foot rest comes out. You press another button and it reclines. I thought he was about to change his mind entirely on the couch he wanted, but he decided the electronic couch just wasn't as comfortable as the one we picked.

Reality TV night

Since I've been in Charlotte, I've missed my weekly get togethers with the girls to watch Idol, So You Think You Can Dance or whatever other competition show happens to be airing that we can get into. Instead, Marshall has been vigilantly upholding my place. But, since I was home we were both able to partake in this weeks' get together at Susan's. Nattel, Susan's friend from the Bahamas was visiting so she was making us Bohemian mac and cheese and homemade pizza. Both were fantastic! I'm surprised Marshall left any mac and cheese for the rest of us, but he did let us have a little. It was a fun evening of good food, some okay dancing and a lot of laughs. I haven't seen hardly any of this season's So You Think You Can Dance, so I wasn't familiar with any of the contestants but I have to agree with Marshall - this year's dancers weren't as good as last season. Yes, my husband indulges his wife and not only lets me watch SYTYCD but will actually watch it with me from time to time. It and Idol are about the only reality shows I can convince him to watch with me although he did get sucked into Honey Boo Boo when I turned it on to show him the train wreck I watched in the hotel in Salisbury. He too found it so fascinated that they were real people that he just had to watch it. Marshall's favorite was the mom June. Say what you will about Honey Boo Boo and her crazy family, but that mom June obviously cares about her children and spends a great deal of time with them. They may be backwards in a lot of ways but they seem to be a family that actually does stuff together and cares about each other.

The Bowl of Candy

Due to work and pregnancy fatigue, Zumba has fallen by the waste side. I've been really missing it too. I've especially been missing classes with my favorite instructor from Wilmington - Karson. But this morning I was finally able to make it to her class at Babs McDance. Karson came up to me after class and was so glad to see me back. She asked how I was doing and gave me a hug saying she was so excited to see my news of a new baby. As I left I tried to purchase a punch card that would give me 10 classes at $8 a class as opposed to $10 a class, instead Karson handed me 2 punch cards and told me she wouldn't take any money for them. I think from reading my Zumba blog months ago and seeing my Facebook posts, she has realized just how much Zumba and her classes in particular have helped me. It was such a nice gesture and it made me super excited to be able to come back. Hopefully I will at least get in a few classes these two weeks while I'm home!

Since Marshall's birthday fell during the middle of the week and I was working and he was in Charlotte working on the house, I decided to get some friends together tonight for late birthday celebration at Los Olas. Tina and Jamie couldn't come as they are still getting used to having a brand new baby at home, but the rest of the gang all came out. We had a great time with everyone and the food was as always fantastic. As per tradition, Marshall got the big bowl of candy full of gum and sweets of his liking.

I guess, I should probably explain the bowl of candy since this is the first time during my blogging that someone has received it. Several years ago, I had a birthday dinner at Boca Bay. Susan, Stacey and Marshall and several other friends and my Mom were all there. For a gift, Stacey had brought me this glass fish bowl full of assorted candy. In the middle was a candle and it was topped with a garland wreath. It became a joke at dinner that I was going to regift the very large bowl of candy to Susan who's birthday was a month after mine. Well the joke quickly became a reality. The plan was to empty it out and refill it with candy to Susan's liking and a different decoration.

A few weeks before Susan's birthday, Marshall walked by the bowl and bumped it with his elbow. He didn't hit it very hard. In fact, it barely moved on the counter but it got a crack in it. Upon further inspection we realized the crack didn't even go all the way thru the glass and was only partially down one side. Instead of buying a different bowl, we went to Target and bought some tie dyed duck tape to fix it. So we carefully crafted a design on the bowl with duct tape and patched up the crack. We filled the bowl with candy and hung a Bengals sock monkey around the bowl for Susan's birthday. When we told them the story of the crack and the duct tape, a new tradition was born. Not only was the jar to be passed around, but each person was to add something to the outside. The next time I received the bowl, I was pregnant with Nolan who Marshall fondly called "Carlos." So on the outside of the bowl Stacey had written with stickers, "Baby Carlos on Board." In addition to candy, I found a small monkey and a monkey onsie inside.

This year was the first year that the girls decided to induct Marshall into the bowl giving. Not only did he received his favorite type of candy but he also received a gift card to Fuzzy Peach, his favorite frozen yogurt place. I'm surprised Marshall ate any of his dinner as I'm sure his sweet tooth was going nuts to dive into that bowl. No sooner were we in the parking lot then he was already rummaging through his candy to find some "dessert."

First Ultrasound

Today was the day we've been waiting for. The day we were to see baby #2 for the first time. The day this whole pregnancy becomes real. I think for Marshall he's been waiting until he saw the baby before he really let it sink in that we were having another baby. I can feel him being reserved about this pregnancy and I understand why. I imagine most people would understand if we both were reserved about it throughout the entire pregnancy. But I had made up my mind when I knew that I was pregnant that if we made it through the first trimester I was going to allow myself to get excited about it. The way I look at is that we have two choices regarding a future pregnancy. We can choose to not get excited in the hopes that if it does end badly we won't be hurt as badly, or we can give this child the same exact love and excitement that we gave Nolan. I mean, really, who are we kidding? If we lose this child at 34 weeks its going to be just as devastating as losing Nolan was no matter how "excited" we allow ourselves to get. At some point I'm going to feel the baby wiggle and kick and so will Marshall and by then you are so invested in this little life that's forming that it's impossible not to be 100% attached and invested. So I chose to give this baby all the love and excitement we gave for Nolan. Maybe we won't do everything we did when were pregnant with Nolan, but most of it. We will still take pregnancy pictures and fill out a pregnancy book (as if this blog isn't a day by day log of that already) and eventually we will pick out names and imagine our future. Sure we won't have any more baby showers or have to decorate a nursery since we have one all decorated and waiting, but that will be all that's different preparation wise between the two.

My nerves continued to build all day and peeked around 2:15pm as we sat in the waiting room, patiently waiting to be called back for our ultrasound. I held my breath as the ultrasound technician squirted the gel on my belly and moved the probe over the gel. I saw the image pop up but it took her pointing to the heart before I could see it flickering. I nearly burst out crying. The baby was alive! All was well, for the moment, and the moment was all I could let myself worry about. I spent the rest of the ultrasound soaking up the skewed images on the screen, trying my best to commit them all to memory. The baby is in that rather alien looking phase, yet definitely recognizable as a human baby. It's little arms and legs were sticking out. Marshall was amazed at how wiggly the baby was and asked me later if Nolan moved that much at that age. I couldn't recall. Sometimes Nolan was very squirmy, other times the ultrasound tech had to shake him to try to get him to rotate when he was less than cooperative.

After the ultrasound we met with Dr. McLean and she said all looked great on the ultrasound. The heartbeat was wonderful and everything looked great so far. Although we are only 11 weeks along right now, Dr. McLean said we can breath a sigh of relief because we are out of the first trimester worries. Well, that's at least one hurtle we can cross off. Only a million more to get through before this pregnancy is over. We discussed genetic testing again and Marshall and I both agreed that we wanted to have it done. After losing Nolan, we want to do anything and everything we can to ensure we know everything that is going on with this baby. We had genetic testing done when we were pregnant with Nolan too which is why we knew his death had nothing to do with his genetics.

I'm not sure if Marshall has let it totally sink in yet, but I'm hopeful that this good news will help him to open up and start to get excited about the possibility of another baby. Boy or girl as long as the baby is healthy and alive that's all I care about.

After Dr. McLean went over everything with us she said, "Now I'm just going to have to try not to cry at your delivery!" We all laughed and I told her she could for she certainly wouldn't be the only one. Later Marshall told me that he just loved Dr. McLean and he didn't want anyone else delivering our baby but her. He said that he knew she was going to cry and he was going to cry with her. I have a feeling everyone in that room and everyone in the waiting room will be crying right along with them. It will be a glorious day when we have a healthy baby to take home with us.

No Air

The waiting is always the worst part for me. Tomorrow is our big ultrasound to see our baby for the first time and I am going crazy waiting! We spent the day trying to stay busy by running errands, but the rain was a big damper on the day. At least our flowers loved the rain. I was pleased to see all the flowers Marshall's dad had given us was thriving as we were very late in planting them. They were all still fully blooming and our tropicanas we planted last year are now towering over the fence line!

Last night we realized that our AC wasn't working properly so we had to call a guy to come and fix it today. So of course we spent a good bit of the day waiting around for a guy to come over. Due to the rain, they were limited in what and when they could come but they did finally come by long enough to get us up and running with a little AC in the hopes that they would return tomorrow to completely remedy the problem. Oy vey! If it isn't one thing, it's another! At least maybe we will be able to sleep through the night tonight since we won't be burning up, but I'm sure the anticipation of tomorrow will keep me from having a completely restful evening.

It's almost as though my house has become a complete metaphor for my life right now. I feel like I'm grasping for air, trying desperately to hear some good news that we are having a healthy baby, but in the meantime I'm sweating to death waiting for the results. I know we both will be devastated if things don't go okay this time. So devastated that I don't know if and when would be ready to try again. I've always been a believer of the whole "get back on the horse" thing, and we did but if we get thrown again I don't know that I will be able to do it again. Hopefully, it will just be a smooth ride this time and the journey will end in a very healthy, living baby.

Surf's Up

Today was a pretty low key day. We grabbed lunch at Surfhouse grill and sort of just ran some errands. It was nice to just be home and to feel sort of normal for a change. It's been nearly 5 months since we lost Nolan and now with the new pregnancy I feel completely on edge. I'm not sure if I will ever calm down during this pregnancy, but I know that for now I am riddled with anticipation. We have our first ultrasound coming up this week and I couldn't be more nervous. All I'm praying for at this point is a healthy baby and to see that flutter of a heartbeat. I know it's early and it won't look much like a baby, but as long as I can see a heartbeat and I know all is well for now, maybe it will at least give me a sigh of relief for a second.

It was such a beautiful day that we ended up spending the afternoon out at Wrightsville Beach. The surf was good, so Marshall wanted to get some surf in while he could and since the weather was still warm I was excited to soak in some rays while I meditated on the beach. I did venture into the water for a bit and while it was chilly at first it, you quickly warmed up. I really miss Wilmington and the beach! The one thing I hate about working on Homeland is being in Charlotte all summer. I miss out on so much boating and beach time that I almost forget I actually live at the beach. Hopefully, during this hiatus I will make up for some of that lost time though. Today was a pretty good start.

Home for Hiatus!

Early this morning we packed up the two cars and headed back to Wilmington. I felt my mood lighten as I headed east towards the beach with the dogs in the back. Everything felt just as though it should be. The four hour trip seemed to last forever as I anxiously drove home to my house, family and friends for a two week hiatus. It felt so good to get home and crash on my couch.


We arrived home shortly after lunch time and after depositing the dogs and our belongings at the house, I was desperate for some food. So, we headed out to one of my favorite local places - Flaming Amy's! I crave their pineapple jalapeño salsa and that is just what I had. The have the best salsa bar around and they even bottle their salsa and ship it off to soldiers as part of their Operation Bottle Drop. If you are ever in Wilmington, I strongly suggest you check out the salsa bar at Flaming Amy's Burrito Barn. I'm not a big fan of burritos, but they have some beef nachos that are to die for. It was just what the doctor ordered!

Afterwards, we went home and I napped and just enjoyed being home. I was surprised to see the flowers still blooming in the front yard, even though the torrential downpour that Wilmington's been experiencing the last month has caused the flower beds to now be full of weeds! I had no desire to go anywhere or do anything other than just enjoy my house. I know the next two weeks are going to fly by but I'm going to try to enjoy every second of it!

Last Day Before Break

Today was like that last day of senior year... everyone was anxious to get done and go home. Unfortunately, it was not an early night so our anticipation of a two week break was well drawn out.

This was the first day since the death of Nolan that I've had to work with a baby on set. The baby was 9 months old, so she wasn't an infant, but it was still weird nonetheless. I don't know why, but it is still strange sometimes to be around babies, especially really young ones. Boy babies are the worse, though. It's just a reminder of what I lost.

Fortunately, our baby work was limited and we moved on to this cool warehouse where we ended the rest of our night. We would have been done sooner, but due to all the windows in the warehouse we had to wait for it to get dark before we could actually film. Since it was late before we wrapped, Marshall and I decided to just wait and drive home tomorrow so I could get some sleep. Tomorrow can't come soon enough as I can't wait to be home and off work for two whole weeks!

Name in the Sand

Today I received the following poem and pictures from our friend Shea:

I wrote your name in the sand today
Daddy asked me if it was okay
I told him gently you don't have to ask
For your mommy and daddy it seemed a simple task!
Although your stay so terribly brief
its moments like these that help the grief
forever in our hearts and minds baby Nolan!

Marshall had asked Shea to write Nolan's name in the sand while she was in Hawaii and she had gladly agreed. She said while she was on the beach doing it, her friend's son also wanted to write Nolan's name in the sand. She sent us both pictures and it brought a smile to my face. Marshall and I went to Hawaii on our honeymoon and I we both had hoped that one day we would go back. I had imagined that whenever we did go back we would be going back with our children. Since Nolan will never be able to set foot on the sand in Hawaii it was nice to see his name written in the sand there.

3 More Days

The countdown to our 2 week hiatus has finally begun. Three more days of work and we are off for the DNC convention. It was great to see on the preliminary call sheet for tomorrow the hiatus on the advanced schedule. You can feel it on set too. It's like the countdown for the last week of work. You can see an end in the future and it makes the day lighter and more pleasant when you know you are going to have a reprieve in the future. It's also been great to have mostly short days this week. I was off again yesterday at 7pm and was able to meet Marshall for dinner for the second night in a row. I know I won't be that lucky all week, but when you know you have a vacation coming up soon, it makes work a little more bearable. I hate politics and I loathe election years and all the phone calls, but I must say I am so thankful for the DNC convention coming to Charlotte, NC this year and giving us a 2 week break from work! We will definitely be on the downhill slope after the hiatus.

Diego's baby

We weren't filming in the best part of town today and the apartment complex we were in was a pain in the neck to film in. We couldn't have any equipment in the apartment hallways and the apartment we were filming in was up some steps so it proved to be somewhat of a challenge.  The upside of the day for me was that we were once again working with Morgan. But, we were also working with an actor named Diego. Now I like Diego, the problem with today was it was the first day Diego was back since the birth of his son. You would think that since I am now pregnant the mention of the birth of someone else's child wouldn't be so difficult for me to swallow and yet it is. I can't really explain it. It isn't that I'm not happy for Diego and his girlfriend and their unnamed child (yeah, that's right, they haven't agreed on a name yet). I am happy that everyone is happy and healthy and the baby boy is doing well, it just makes me sad to think that my baby boy didn't have the same fate. Whenever I hear of someone giving birth to a healthy baby, it just makes me question why all over again. Why was their baby born healthy and alive and mine was stillborn? I can only hope that one day I will stop question the why and just be able to celebrate in the birth of someone else's baby with them. Perhaps, having a healthy birth myself will help me to get past this hump. But for today seeing the baby presents lined up on Diego's chair just made me sad. It made me think of all the presents piled up in our nursery and all the thank you notes I never was able to bring myself to write. I think about it lots of times that I should, and yet I still can't bring myself to do it. It seems so wrong to have to thank people for gifts they gave us for Nolan that we were never able to use.

Manic Mondays

Last night Marshall and I were able to have dinner with on of our actresses, Morgan, and her Mom. They are both such great people and for some reason Morgan seems to really enjoy hanging out with me and Marshall so she was excited to have dinner with both of us. We had a great time hanging out with them, and I got to continue the fun as I was working with her all day today. The episode we are currently shooting is a really big episode for Morgan. She's always so cheerful and sweet that it really does make work much more bearable when you get to work with such pleasant people. Fortunately, due to Morgan's limited filming hours it was a fairly reasonable day and I was able to meet Marshall for dinner. As far as Mondays go, this one wasn't half bad.

Memorial Beach

Our dear friend Shea is currently in Hawaii with her girlfriend Gloria. Today she sent us pictures from Memorial Beach where she went with her friends she is visiting. Her friends lost their daughter Rae Rae from cancer when she was very young. So when she arrived in Hawaii she and Gloria went to Memorial Beach where they were able to pick a luminary for both Rae Rae and Nolan and set it afloat in the water. Before Shea had left for Hawaii, she had called Marshall and I to ask if we would mind if she set a luminary afloat in memorial of Nolan. Of course, we told her it was a beautiful idea and only asked her to please take pictures.

She chose a beautiful green luminary for Nolan and her and Gloria let the two luminaries go into the water together. It was a beautiful tribute to both these young lives that were taking from us way too soon and I'm so glad I have friends that are still thinking about my baby boy months after his passing. It warms my heart to think that Marshall and I and our parents won't be the only people thinking of and missing Nolan in the years to come. I think his passing affected way more people than even we realize, but certainly everyone who was at the hospital that day will never forget seeing and holding Nolan and will be missing him for the remainder of their lives.

Misha's 50th

We went over to the house for a little bit today, but I was still not allowed to go into the house as the fumes were still pretty strong. I was able to look in through the windows and doors and see the floors and they look amazing. By the time we are finished with this house it is going to look so we aren't going to want to sell it! This afternoon we spent part of it with our Noda neighbors Jimmy and Misha. It was Misha's 50th birthday celebration and they had invited us over for a birthday party they were having. So, we decided to stop by for a bit. Not knowing the majority of the people there, Marshall and I set on the back porch talking to the couple of people we did know. Perhaps the highlight of the party for Marshall was admiring Jimmy's friend Goose's cooker truck. Goose has built a pig cooker into the back of this old truck he has and it looks amazing! He drives his cooker down to gallery crawl every 1st and 3rd Friday of the month and sells his BBQ. Marshall immediately said that was what my Dad needed to cook his BBQ with! It was pretty sweet. Afterwards, we had a pretty low key night of dinner and relaxing and watching movies in bed. It was nice to finally have some down time together.

Support

Yesterday the flooring guys were at our rental house sanding and sealing the hardwoods. Today they were finally dry enough that Marshall was able to walk on them and take some pictures to send to me. They look amazing. Our house was built in the early 1900s and some of the flooring in the house is the original floors. I doubt they have looked this good in a long time though. While the floors look great from the pictures, I won't be able to see them in person this weekend. The fumes in the house are really strong and when Marshall asked the flooring guy about me being around them pregnant he said I shouldn't be allowed in the house for 3 days. So I guess I will be viewing them through the window this weekend. The house now has not a single square of carpet in it. Two thirds of the house is the original hardwoods, but the master bedroom, bathroom and mud room all had to be refloored. We had floored the master bedroom several years ago with bamboo flooring. It was then that we discovered the fireplace in the bedroom that someone had dry walled over! It never ceases to amaze me what people do to houses. That was also when we had all the floors in the house leveled with support beams from underneath. It was amazing how slanted the floors were. Often you don't realize when you are standing in the moment, just how off things can be.

As much as I've enjoyed having Robi here and I know he's been a tremendous help to Marshall, it was nice to come home from work and be able to be alone with Marshall. My apartment here is a small studio so Robi was slumming it on my couch and trying to get any private time for any of us was virtually impossible. But, Robi had to head back to school as college is starting back up on Monday. I'm sure it won't be the last we see of Robi while I'm working in Charlotte though. He goes to college at Appalachian State so it's only about an hour and a half drive for him to come visit us in Charlotte. Plus, he's already requested our presence at an App State football game so I imagine we will try to find a weekend to head up there and see him. Sometimes I still feel a bit unsociable.

Not that I ever was an extremely sociable person, but I used to really enjoy having people over and doing things. Now I find that it just depends on the day I'm having. Or the day Marshall is having. If either of us is having a hard time with dealing with Nolan, it often makes the day hard for the other one. I can't see Marshall cry about Nolan and not cry too. Last week Marshall had some very trying days. So bad that I was scared it just might send him over the edge. Marshall has been sober for nearly 9 years now, but a tragedy as great as losing a child is all that it takes for some people to start drinking again. Until last week, I thought Marshall wasn't going to be one of those people but last week I was deeply concerned he just might. It wasn't until he got on the phone with Chad and was able to pour his heart out to another Dad who had also lost his son that Marshall felt like he was going to be okay. Its sad really that it took this long for Marshall to find someone to help him work through this. Marshall's older brother Parker also lost a child in a much different situation all around, but Parker had very little insight or help to offer Marshall. Marshall told me shortly after Nolan passed away that Parker's situation was vastly different and he found he couldn't even really talk to his brother about it. I guess we all just handle things differently and the way Parker saw and dealt with the loss of his son Ryan was so far removed from Marshall's experience that he wasn't able to offer Marshall any comfort in his time of need. I don't know if Chad will ever really know how helpful he has been to Marshall (and to me for helping Marshall). Just as I have Tifni to talk to, Marshall now feels as though he has someone he can reach out to and talk to in good times and bad. Someone that understands everything he is feeling and thinking. Someone that is willing to let him vent and cry and will cry with him. I don't know if people that haven't experienced this type of loss will ever understand what kind of support and comfort we get out of other's experiences of this same loss. It helps you to know you aren't alone. I can see now why people go to stillbirth support groups. If I had never met Tifni I probably would have gone to one by now too. But Tifni is my support group and now Chad is Marshall's. We all need a little support now and then.

Two Things Stand Like Stone

Today we filmed in this amazing little park nestled in uptown Charlotte. Our scene was centered around this large fountain that had fish statues squirting water out of their mouths. It was one of those fountains that in the middle had spouts that would randomly turn on and off. You know the type - its the fountain that you always see children running through in the middle of the summer. We had children as extras doing exactly that very thing. As I walked around the fountain, I noticed an inscription along the base of the fountain that wound clockwise around it.

"Life is mostly froth and bubble, two things stand like stone; Kindness in another's trouble, Courage in your own." - 1866, Adam Lindsay Gordon.

I was immediately struck by the inscription and wrote it down. It was one of those moments where you think, I was supposed to be here at this moment to read this because it is talking to me. It reminded me that while it is important to be kind and sympathetic to people who are going through difficult times in their lives, perhaps the more difficult thing is to be courageous in the face of your own difficulties. For months now people have commented to both Marshall and myself how amazed they are at our strength and courage. We both have felt a bit uneasy to hear this from people as neither one of us felt at all strong and courageous. In fact, we felt quite the opposite. When I lost my son, I felt helpless and defeated. But I had a choice. I could sit in my despair and become depressed and isolated, or I could gather what strength I had left and attempt to muster through. Although there were plenty of dark days (and surely still will be more), the only option I saw was to try to move through them. Sometimes, I need reminders like this quote that all the pain I am going through is a rock in my life - it will always be there. When all the other bubbles in my life float away, this stone of pain will carry on with me for all of eternity and I am courageous in facing my troubles head on and not running away from them.

Company

While I've been spending 12-14 hours a day at work the last couple of weeks, Marshall and Robi have been spending just as much time working on our rental house in NODA. Our intent is to get it ready to sell and hopefully it will sell quickly. If not, we will most likely be forced to put it back on the rental market until the real estate market turns around and we can sell it. Today the boys spent the day painting the outside of the house. We had started to paint the house awhile back a dark gray but were advised by our real estate agent to paint it a lighter more neutral color for the lighter color would make the small 1000 sq feet house appear bigger. From the pictures Marshall texted me today, it looks great! I can't wait to see it in person.

I know it has been so good for Marshall to have Robi helping him. Marshall was really dreading having to work on the house by himself for I think he had always planned that when he would be working on the house over the summer he would be also watching and entertaining Nolan at the same time. It's hard for Marshall to be alone a lot in Charlotte for here is really where he seems to have the hardest time dealing with not having Nolan around - at least for now. I'm sure that's mostly due to the fact that our plans at the time was that I would work and Marshall would take the time off and be Mr. Mom until November and take care of Nolan. Its hard when you had all these plans to then be faced with the awful reality that none of the plans are going to happen and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Marshall's Birthday

The hardest part about working on a show is finding the time to celebrate important events properly like birthdays and anniversaries. When I was due with Nolan, Marshall was scheduled to be working in Charleston, SC on the TV show Army Wives and it caused him a lot of unrest. I think his biggest fear was missing the birth. Even though he planned on being home a few days before the actual due date, and being able to leave and drive home the moment I thought I was going into labor, as we learned you just can predict what is going to happen. Never in a millions years though did I think I would be calling my husband at 1am to tell him he needed to come home because our son had died. Today was Marshall's birthday and I of course had to spend the entire day at work. We had a slightly later call time than yesterday, so I knew the odds of me being able to celebrate Marshall's birthday at all with him today was going to be hard. So, we celebrated with cake last night and our nephew Robi agreed to make dinner for us tonight.

Even though we spent the day working on stage, we still went later than I had thought. By the time I got home, Robi was nearly done cooking a somewhat late dinner. Marshall had unfortunately spent his entire birthday also working - working on our rental house. The only upside to his birthday as the fact that he was in Charlotte with me and so we could actually spend some time together. Fortunately, he will also be here this weekend so that I can take him shopping and get him a birthday present. Despite, the late dinner and limited time to spend together it was still nice to be able to wish my husband a happy birthday in person on his big day. It was also extremely nice to come home to a home cooked meal ready for me. Maybe I will keep my nephew Robi around a little longer!

Jail Time

Today we spent the morning filming in a real working jail. Of course, I didn't see a single prisoner but I did see plenty of police. In fact, we couldn't walk anywhere without being escorted by some law enforcer or another. I'm pretty sure they had us filming in a part of the prison where there weren't actually any prisoners, but it was still pretty creepy nonetheless. Just being surrounded by all those bars and locks made you want to never do anything to land yourself in a place like this. Afterwards, we moved back to the stages and spent the rest of the day filming in our prison set that we built on stage.

When the day was over I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some stuff to make dinner for Marshall and Robi and decided we might as well celebrate Marshall's birthday while we were at it. Knowing the week we had in store for us, this would surely be the earliest I would be off all week and the best time for me to spend any time celebrating Marshall's birthday. Afterall, his birthday is tomorrow so it's not that premature to celebrate tonight. After dinner, I stuck some candles in Marshall's pre-made grocery store birthday cake and sang Happy Birthday to him. I can only imagine what Marshall might have wished for this year on his birthday as he blew out the candles on the cake with one fell swoop. We all enjoyed a slice of cake and some ice cream before settling in to our respective beds to unwind. Robi on the couch with his laptop watching God only knows what kind of videos or movies and Marshall and I in bed watching some horror film on Netflix - Marshall's choice, of course. He is the king of B Horror films. He loves them and most of the time I fight to watch something better, but it was his birthday. Besides, I'm in that completely fatigued part of pregnancy where I will only last about 10 minutes of the movie anyway so it doesn't really matter what we watch. Honestly, for me it is just nice to know my husband is here and I get to fall asleep with him beside me and wake up next to him in the morning. It makes being pregnant and out of town a little easier to deal with.

Phone Calls

Marshall's struggles from yesterday continued into today. Last night as Marshall was still talking about his difficulties and his need to talk to a man who had been through the same experiences, it dawned on me that I might know someone. Soon after Nolan's death, I had been approached on Facebook by an old high school acquaintance of mine, Chad. He had reached out to me because he too knew the hardship of losing a child. His son Grayson was born premature and lived only 40 days before Chad and his wife had to make the most difficult decision of their life - they had to take their only child off life support and hold him in their arms while he died. Although are situations differ slightly, the end result is still the same. We all lost our son. Our firstborn son at that. Since Chad had so willingly reached out to me in my time of need, I thought that he might also be willing to talk to Marshall about his experiences.

So I went out on a limb and I messaged him and asked, giving him Marshall's cell number in case he was willing to call him. This morning, Marshall received a call from Chad. Marshall sat out on the balcony of the apartment and talked to Chad for hours. When he came inside he was all teary eyed and a completely different person. He couldn't stop singing Chad's praises and was so thankful that finally he had met another man who was willing to talk about his loss. Not only did Chad talk about his own personal experiences, but he listened to Marshall talk and he cried with Marshall. It's amazing what one phone call can do to change your perspective on things.

The whole rest of the day Marshall looked like he a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Chad had told Marshall that he was willing to talk to him again whenever Marshall needed him and the two made plans to meet when Chad and his family go on vacation to Myrtle Beach. I've never seen Marshall so happy to be on the phone with someone for hours. Chad was Marshall's own personal therapist today. Later I received a message from Chad saying that he hoped he had helped Marshall. I replied back that he had no idea how much he had helped him. I thanked him again for being so willing to talk. There are so many women willing and able to talk about or write about their grief but the male perspective is nearly vacant. I had spoken yesterday to a friend of ours who had just been to reading of a play entitled "Still." She too had said that one thing she had mentioned in the talk afterwards was that while the play was great at showing a female's take on the loss of a baby by stillbirth, there is little if anything out there that shows the male perspective on it. I told Marshall this in the hopes that maybe one day he will get to the place where he can write or sing about it.

After the cathartic phone call, Marshall and I spent the afternoon hanging out with our nephew Robi. We all went to eat at one of our favorite pizza joints - Hawthorne's Pizza - and then spent some time at the house doing a little work. It was nice to have a good day after the heaviness of yesterday.

Surviving.

I won't say today was a great day, although there were some great moments. Today was a bad day for Marshall and it got progressively worse as the day went on. I think people expect that we will progressively get better and better as the days pass, but that's not the case. One day you are better and the next day you take 2 steps back. I've had some really bad days. Days when I call Marshall from work balling my eyes out. It's only natural that Marshall has those days too. I think the biggest problem with Marshall is not having a guy to talk to about his loss. It's true that Marshall and I both lost our son, but our loss and the way it affects us is different. We had different experiences with Nolan. Marshall's experiences with Nolan were much less physical than mine were. Sure he felt him kick every now and then, but mostly Marshall had a mental and emotional connection with Nolan. I hate that most men that experience a loss of a child aren't willing to talk about it, but I'm glad Marshall is not like that. Marshall is a talker and the way he deals with things is to talk it out.

Today he just got fed up with people telling him everything is going to be okay. He's right when he says nobody has the right to tell him that unless they too have lost a child and have survived it. There's not many people out there that have that right. We are a small group of people that can say we lost our child and we survived it. In fact, I am not a part of that group yet. I lost a child, but I haven't survived it yet. I don't feel right. I don't feel like everything is going to be okay. I don't feel like my life will ever be normal again. I don't know if I will ever go a week without crying again. These are all things that I don't know and until I do I can't say I've survived the loss of my son. There are only a few women who I listen to when they tell me things regarding my life right now. One is my friend Tifni and the other is my cousin Sandra. Tifni is much more vocal to me than Sandra, but both have lost their child, went on to have another child and have managed to survive the loss. Tifni's situation is nearly identical to mine in that she lost her son to a stillbirth and then had another baby - a girl. While I don't know what I'm having yet, she knows the stress I feel being pregnant again after experiencing a stillbirth. When she tells me that I will survive this thing, I believe her. She survived. Her marriage survived. And she smiles in all her pictures. She calls her daughter her miracle baby and I understand the feeling. If I'm blessed with a healthy baby at the end of this pregnancy, that baby will be my miracle baby.

Amidst the agony of the day, there was a brief moment of fun and happiness. We managed to score some lower level tickets to the Carolina Panther game so we went and took our nephew Robi. Marshall is such a die hard Panther fan that it was great to see him just light up in the stadium. He immediately said how happy this made him just to be there watching them play. Even though it was a pre season game and the main guys didn't even play for a whole quarter, it was still fun to be there. Marshall's boss and friend Steve was there too so he came and sat with us for awhile. Steve managed to score a box seat ticket for $30! We were not so lucky, but our seats were really great so I can't complain. Afterall, it was the least I could do after Marshall and Robi have worked so hard on the house all week.

Perhaps the best part of the evening though was the impromptu concert on the street we stumbled upon. When we walked up to them there were only about 10 people standing around listening to them but we weren't there 5 minutes and when I looked around there were probably 100 or more people standing listening to them and dancing. The band was amazing! I finally learned that they were called Brass Connection and they were playing later that night at some club. The band was all African American guys consisting of 5 trombones, 1 tuba, 1 french horn and a drummer. The youngest guy looked to be all of maybe 16. I don't know how these guys haven't hit it huge because they truly were incredible! I felt a bit like I was in New Orleans listening to them throw down. And boy did they know how to work a crowd! I don't usually give street musicians money because usually I don't find them worth it but these guys were so good and so entertaining I just had to. That music definitely left the evening on a high note. Music can be so therapeutic.