Capture Your Grief Day #15: Community

Every Oct 15th we join so many others out there in lighting a candle for our sweet angel Nolan and all other babies that left this world far too soon. I'm so grateful that Marshall and I have been surrounded with such a great community of people that have supported us through our pain and continue to understand that grief is a day to day struggle. It didn't end when we had our second son. It didn't end after a year had passed. It never ends, it just becomes more bearable. We are so blessed to be surrounded by people that understand that. I still struggle to talk about Nolan to strangers that weren't around at the time of his death, but it is mostly due to my worry that it will make them uncomfortable. 

Today I overheard a conversation on set as the director debated over urns for a baby and I wanted to chime in and tell him that even the small one was a bit ridiculous in size but instead I bit my tongue. I remember shopping for Nolan's urn only a mere 3 days after I had learned that my baby had died. The choices they showed us were small, colorful decorative urns in the shapes of shells, hearts, and butterflies, not cold metal urns. We chose a white seashell that fits in the palm of my hand. The funeral home told us there was barely enough ashes to split up between the urn and leaving us a few to spread. I never thought about it before, but a 5lb 6oz baby doesn't equate to very many ashes. 

Capture Your Grief Day #9: In Memory

There's lots of things people did for us initially when Nolan died to help us preserve and honor his memory: named stars after him, planted trees in his honor, had his name written in the sand and photographed and a heart pillowed weighing his birth weight engraved with his name. All these things were amazing and helped us to get through the initial few months, but since then we have developed a few "traditions" of our own to honor his memory. I had a piece of jewelry made with Nolan's initials and his footprint and I wear it around my neck, close to my heart every single day. We also celebrate his birthday each year with family and set off sky lanterns in his memory. For Christmas each year we pick a boy child from the Angel tree that is the age Nolan would have been currently if he lived and we buy presents for that child. But most importantly we live every day knowing that life is all too precious and can be taken away from us in heartbeat without any explanation. We were reminded of that that week when my husband's best friend of 20+ years passed away suddenly. Now that we are blessed with another child, not a day goes by that I don't tell him how much I love him and kiss him and hug him so that he knows his parents love him more than life itself. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I had Nolan here too to kiss and hug but I take solace in the knowledge that we probably wouldn't have Ronan here with us had Nolan lived and I can't imagine my life without a Ronan. Ronan is to me my daily reminder of Nolan's memory. Not only did they favor one another, they were born just weeks shy of 1 year apart - both March babies. I will forever be a mother of two sons, not just the one people see.

Capture Your Grief Day #4: Now

I often wonder how any mother can lose their first born child and continue on never having another child. As I sit here with my 1 1/2 year old, knowing that I would still feel utterly lost and broken without him in my life. My friend told me after Nolan passed that the most healing thing would be to have another baby and she was so right. The last 19 months have brought me so much happiness that I sometimes forget to be sad. I never once forget that Nolan is not here and I miss him every second of every day but Ronan makes it all okay somehow. With every hug he gives me, every time he calls me Momma, my broken heart heals just a little bit more. 2 1/2 years ago my empty arms ached for a baby that I didn't get to take home with me. Now I get random hugs from Ronan and I love them all. It's as if he is showering me with extra hugs to make up for all the lost hugs from his older brother. I'm so blessed to have my rainbow baby in my life and a loving husband. Together we are healing as a family and remember our firstborn, Nolan.

Capture Your Grief Day #2: Heart

For 2 1/2 years I've worn Nolan's footprint around my neck, keeping it close to my heart. On the day he was born, my mom gave me a heart shaped key pendant so that I would always remember he held the key to my heart. After Ronan was born, my husband gave me another heart shaped key pendant to represent my second son. Both of my boys hold a special place in my heart.

Capture Your Grief Day #1: Sunrise

While it might be the sun rising (or most likely my alarm) that wakes me up each morning, it's this little guy that gets me out of bed each day. Because of him I put one foot in front of the other and face the day head on. I'm so blessed to have my rainbow baby. Without him I'm not sure where I would be with my grief. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I was juggling a 1 1/2 year old Ronan and a 2 1/2 year old Nolan, but I thank God each day that I was given a second chance to have a healthy baby. Ronan is our sun, our moon, our everything.